Thursday, June 04, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A Wall Street bond expert’s analysis says the Federal Reserve’s policies are transferring more wealth to those who don’t need it. To which his banking coworkers on Wall Street are saying “Shut up before you spoil everything!”

Bomb threats were made against at least five U.S. airliners this week. Fortunately, authorities say they weren’t credible since they included flights by United Airlines which everyone knew weren’t going to get off the ground anyways.

Bomb threats were made against at least five U.S. airliners this week. The threats were not carried out as authorities told them if they had a complaint against the airlines they would have to just get in line behind all the passengers.

A country radio music consultant has told stations their ratings would improve if they played fewer songs by women. The consultant then added they would actually get a lot more listeners if they played less country music.

A country radio music consultant has told stations their ratings would improve if they played fewer songs by women. When word got out that a consultant was advising against playing less popular music, Justin Bieber said “They can do that?”

Arrest warrants were issued for people who cheered during a high school graduation ceremony in Mississippi. Although the people who were cheering even louder were the parents of the kids who didn’t graduate as they won’t have to pay any college tuition.

Arrest warrants were issued for people who cheered during a high school graduation ceremony in Mississippi. The people say they were just so proud and excited to see their kids get their high school diploma before they turned 25.

An analysis says that 29% of Americans 55 and older have no retirement savings. The other 71% have been carefully putting money away for years and are now confident they can retire shortly after they turn 90.

A study says that chimps have the mental skills to cook food. Which was hailed as great news, especially when management at McDonald’s found out they don’t demand $15 an hour.

A Texas bill will allow students to carry guns on college campuses. Which means when you ask students their GPA, the answer will usually be .22, .38 or .44.

A report says that working from 9 to 5 is becoming a less popular way to make a living. Mostly because in order to keep their jobs people are having to be at the office from 7 AM to 10 PM.

A study says that memories can survive cryogenic preservation. Which means in another 50 years or so there is going to be some great story telling when Walt Disney and Ted Williams are able to sit down and have lunch together.

Japan is mulling the idea of putting emergency toilets in elevators. Apparently they got the idea after riding one of the elevators between floors at a New York City subway station.

The average rent in San Francisco is up to $4,225 a month. It is so expensive to live there that the lyrics of the song are being changed to “I left my shorts in San Francisco.”

The postal service is taking steps to fire the gyrocopter pilot who landed on the lawn of the U.S. Capitol Building. Instead of being told he could be going to prison, the Post Office just assigned him a new Zip Code which was the same one used at Leavenworth.

A poll says that more Americans approve George W. Bush than disapprove. Now if Donald Trump would just take follow his lead and go into hiding for the next eight years we might all come out better off.

A poll says that more Americans approve George W. Bush than disapprove. Which means that given enough time, there is still hope for O.J. Simpson, Bernard Madoff and Justin Bieber.

Some U.S. Senators say that Jimmy John’s employees should not have to sign non-compete agreements. Mostly because after working at Jimmy John’s, you would hope people would have enough ambition to not work at another sandwich shop.

Some U.S. Senators say that Jimmy John’s employees should not have to sign non-compete agreements. More importantly, why would anyone want to work at a shop that thinks they have a monopoly on putting some meat and mustard between two pieces of bread?

Google cofounder Sergey Brin says he will not release accident reports involving their self-driving cars in order to protect the privacy of the other drivers. Although anyone who has been hit by a car programmed to avoid accidents can be found on Google by typing in “drivers who really need to turn in their licenses.”

A consumer advocacy group says the worst restaurant for caloric content is Red Lobster, which features a meal containing 3,600 calories. The real danger of eating that meal is the threat of leaving the restaurant and being harpooned by Eskimos.

Youtube users picked their favorite ad of the decade. Which for most people are the Youtube ads that give the option of skipping out after five seconds.

Youtube users picked their favorite ad of the decade. Which brings up the question as to why anyone on Youtube is using their time to watch the commercials?

Taco Bell says it will start to offer alcoholic beverages at a store in Chicago. The idea is that if people drink enough alcohol, they might order some food. And vice versa.

Wal-Mart says it will offer a new soundtrack to shoppers called “Wal-Mart Radio” that will feature songs selected by a DJ. The only problem is that they chose one of their greeters for the job who is asking them where they keep the records and Victrola.

Wal-Mart says it is going to raise the temperature in its stores for worker comfort. To which their employees are pleading with the company to not give customers an excuse to wear even skimpier outfits to do their shopping.

Groupon has named a new CFO. The last one left when it came time to get their annual bonus and the company cut it in half with a 50% off coupon.

The NFL will live stream a game this season between the Buffalo Bills and Jacksonville Jaguars that will be exclusively shown online. The only problem is that the game so far has only generated interest to be sponsored by pop up ads, spam and offers from a Nigerian prince.

The NFL will live stream a game this season between the Buffalo Bills and Jacksonville Jaguars that will be exclusively shown online. It will be the game where viewers are actually hoping will be cut short by a computer virus.

A survey says that U.S. companies stepped up hiring in May. Which is good news for people who will now not have to wait as long with all the new people behind the counter at the 7-Eleven.

A survey says that U.S. companies stepped up hiring in May. The only problem is that most of them were brought in to help with the paper work for all the layoffs planned for June.

Bill Gates says his foundation is aiming to cut the rate of child mortality around the world. Which is ironic after causing the obesity, heart disease and diabetes rates to go up exponentially with young people by developing the computers they sit and stare at all day.

A study says the use of pesticides are linked to ADHD. Although it would be easier to make a correlation between eating treated crops and the disorder if they could find anyone who still actually eats fruits and vegetables.

New data says that 30% of U.S. adults have had an alcohol related disorder at some point in their life. The other 70% have never gone away to college.

New data says that 30% of U.S. adults have had an alcohol related disorder at some point in their life. The people the study refers to are “men” and the point in their life is “football season.”

A study says that being without their smartphone may be a new behavior disorder. Although the question is what does anyone who ignores the rest of the world to stare at their smartphone all day know about behavior?

A study says that being without their smartphone may be a new behavior disorder called “nomophobia.” Meaning that without their iPhone there will be “nomo” cat videos, “nomo” Facebook posting and “nomo” sending out endless selfies on Twitter.

Researchers say they have developed a new test to diagnose PTSD. Apparently all it takes to find out if someone has the disorder is sneak up behind them and yell “Boo!”

A study says that childhood bullying may be responsible for 30% of the cases of depression in adults. The other 70% are the bullies who realize if they had actually done some sort of school work instead of torturing everyone else, they might not be 45 years old and still working at a 7-Eleven.

A study says that eating the average U.S. diet may kill prostate cancer survivors. What the study doesn’t mention is that the average U.S. diet will also kill those who have never had prostate cancer and women who don’t even have a prostate gland.

Clint Eastwood is set to direct a biopic about pilot “Sully” Sullenberger who landed the plane on the “Miracle on the Hudson.” The climax of the movie is when Sullenberger is about to attempt the landing and the air traffic controller asks him “So do you feel lucky, punk?”

The UK has banned a commercial featuring an Yves St. Laurent model who is unhealthily underweight. Apparently she was a foreigner who was normal weight before the shoot but that’s what happens after being served British food for two weeks.

The UK has banned a commercial featuring an Yves St. Laurent model who is unhealthily underweight. Not to say that some people are taking the weight thing a bit too far, but the worst part is that it was a radio commercial.

Celebrity chef Bobby Flay has received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. It’s the one on Hollywood Boulevard right at the fork in the road.

Celebrity chef Bobby Flay has received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. He is currently involved in a bitter divorce with his wife, which is why all his recipes always start out “separate two spouses...”

LeBron James says that Kyrie Irving and Stephen Curry are two of the best dribblers in the game. Unless you count the drool on the chin of Charles Barkley every time someone puts a steak dinner in front of him.

Tiger Woods says he is teaching his son golf with the “Willie Nelson rule,” that par is whatever you say it is. Which is different than the Stephen Stills rule that Tiger used in his marriage, to “love the one you’re with.”

Former Dodger Mike Piazza says he may be interested in buying bankrupt Italian soccer team Parma. He says he is just crunching the numbers for the initial cost of the team, players’ salaries and estimated amount for FIFA bribes.

Tiger Woods played U.S. Open venue Chambers Bay this week taking more than 7 hours to complete the course. Or as muni golfers in L.A. call that, a weekend nine hole round at Rancho Park.

Snapchat has hired the former president of The Onion to head its original content. Which was interesting as the announcement made his first headline seem like something that would be more likely to be found on The Onion.

A poll of married women say that they consider it cheating if their husband even has a female friend. Mostly because women know if they even suspect their husband of cheating for any reason they probably have a 75% chance of being right.

A poll says a majority of Americans want wealth to be divided more evenly. Meaning they just want some more of it sent their way.

Former Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chafee has announced his bid to run for President on the issue of changing the U.S. to the metric system. Apparently it will sound better to be beaten in the primaries by 1.6 kilometers than to lose by a mile.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The NBA Finals start tonight. I am just rooting for someone to win fast because it delays our news and makes me stay up later. That means less time for joke writing. Which probably translates for everyone reading this to hope for triple overtime. I am just lucky there isn’t a 24 second clock on this blog that buzzes if a funny joke hasn’t been found in that time span. Just remember that you will never be whistled for a technical foul if you just make sure once in awhile to send the love!

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