Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says that 4 in 10 U.S. kids are exposed to violence. The other 6 are still waiting for their parents to get enough money to buy them a PlayStation 4.

A study says that 4 in 10 U.S. kids are exposed to violence. As opposed to back in the 1950s and ‘60s when every child was able to watch TV and get a daily dose of The Three Stooges.

A wedding was held in Japan that featured two robots. In the U.S., Republicans said the occasion was permissible because the robots had not declared themselves to be gay.

A study says that meditation can trigger anxiety and depression, especially at intensive meditation retreats. Mostly when the people realize they are paying a lot of money to be able to sit and just think for ten straight hours.

A study says that meditation can trigger anxiety and depression, especially at intensive meditation retreats. For one thing, you are probably asking for trouble if you sign up for an activity that combines the words “intensive” and “meditation.”

The Army is killing a program that sends social scientists onto the battlefield to help troops avoid unnecessary bloodshed. Although an easier way would be to put the social scientists into Congress and the White House to try to figure out why we are starting all these wars in the first place.

The Supreme Court has given North Carolina’s plans for a “Choose Life” license plate new hope. The only problem is that the plates might be mistaken instead of being anti-abortion as made for people who still remember the group “Wham!”

The Governor of Puerto Rico says the commonwealth can’t repay its $72 Billion in debts. The only question is who even thought it was a good idea to loan the island $72 Billion in the first place?

The Governor of Puerto Rico says the commonwealth can’t repay its $72 Billion in debts. Which is ironic in that for a commonwealth they sure don’t seem to have much common wealth.

A study says that one third of investors are wary of financial abuse of elderly relatives. Mostly because they are worried some Nigerian prince will scam the money out of their parents after they have been so patient and getting their money the traditional way by waiting for them to die sooner.

Stock markets around the world are closing early today so that they won’t be affected by the leap second that is being added because of the Earth’s rotation. And people thought that members of the UAW and Teamsters had tough unions that wouldn’t stand for working any extra time without pay.

A report says that incomes rose for the bottom 99% of American families at the highest rate in 15 years but income inequality still grew. At least the bottom 99% has achieved income equality with each of them still being as poor as everyone else.

Greeks are limiting bank customers to just $66 in ATM withdrawals a day to prevent a run on the banks. Americans were shocked. There are countries where people have $66 in their bank accounts?

A report says that U.S. job openings have hit an all time high. They won’t be filled, it’s just that management knows their other employees are too afraid to not do the work of those who have been laid off or they are next.

Wal-Mart is apologizing for making an ISIS cake after refusing to make one featuring the Confederate flag. ISIS birthday parties are the ones where they bring two knives, one for the cake and the other to cut off the heads of any infidels who were invited.

Wal-Mart is apologizing for making an ISIS cake after refusing to make one featuring the Confederate flag. ISIS cakes are easier to make since they can be made smaller as they never have to have room for more than about 20 candles.

AOL’s digital prophet says that Millennials are only interested in video and content and not ads. Although AOL having someone called a “digital prophet” sounds about as much of a waste of office space as someone at Chrysler being named chief of quality control.

Pending home sales in the U.S. are at the highest they have been in nine years. The only problem is that they are pending the buyers being able to get their credit score up after their last foreclosure.

Google will add alerts to their navigation system to warn drivers about upcoming railroad crossings. Which is ironic for people who can get a text alert about the train they are about to hit they had no idea was there because they were too busy texting.

A poll says U.S. investors prefer a mixture of financial advice from digital and human sources. Meaning they get investment ideas from the Internet and then do exactly the opposite of whatever Jim Cramer says.

A poll says U.S. investors prefer a mixture of financial advice from digital and human sources.  Which for most people means using the free Wi-Fi at the public library to get investment ideas and following up with the people working the ladle at the soup kitchen.

A report says that 95% of the restaurants in New York City are getting “A” grades on cleanliness. Apparently things have been improving ever since all the eateries started making Saturday bath day for all their basement rats.

A report says that 95% of the restaurants in New York City are getting “A” grades on cleanliness. Meaning after just a few meals there most customers’ wallets and credit accounts are completely cleaned out.

A study says that men become defensive when their masculinity is questioned. Apparently the study was done by having researchers watch a showing of the movie “Roadhouse.”

A study says that junk food is tied to depression. But not as much as the bathroom scale the person stands on after eating fast food every day for the past six months.

Health experts are warning that a new “belly button challenge” can promote an unhealthy body image. The challenge says people are fit if they can reach behind their back and touch their belly button. Which means people who can’t do it need to either lose weight or figure they were just born with short arms.

A study says that flavored cigarettes are still popular online despite a ban in the U.S. Topping the list are cigarettes that come in menthol cancer, vanilla emphysema and cardiac clove.

A report says that parents should set a good example for their children to prevent obesity. Which means kids not be allowed to play video games during dinner but walk over and sit at to the table with everyone else to eat their McNuggets and fries.

A study says how long a baby gazes at things may predict later hyperactivity. Especially when they can’t stop staring at the Oreos, Doritos and Twinkies in the snack drawer.

A study says that weight loss surgery may ease incontinence. Mostly from the patients no longer needing to drink three Big Gulps worth of Coke to wash down the four Big Mac combos they ate for lunch.

The USDA is proposing healthier foods for kids in daycare. Apparently they decided action needed to be taken when the labels of “choice,” “prime” and “select” were being used to describe the marbling of fat on the children.

Musician Bill Hudson has disowned his children Oliver and Kate, saying “They are dead to me.” In fact, he considers them even more dead than the career of the Hudson Brothers.

Mets rookie Steven Matz has had a deli sandwich named after him. It’s different than the other sandwich associated with the Mets, nothing between two pieces of toast.

An investigation says that $3 Million was transferred from Phil Mickelson to an illegal gambling operation. No one had any idea when Mickelson said he really admires Rose, it wasn’t Justin he was talking about but Pete.

AC/DC will join several several subscription streaming services. The band was concerned over what breaking up an album into individual tracks would have on listener experience. Other than maybe delaying the inevitable hearing loss for another few months.

AC/DC will join several several subscription streaming services. The band was concerned over what breaking up an album into individual tracks would have on listener experience. Other than people realizing that if you buy one AC/DC song you pretty much have their entire catalog.

A study says that Google alters search results to play up its own content. Mostly when people type in “glass” and Google is hoping that finally someone might be actually showing an interest in Google Glass.

Microsoft is teaming with Taylor Made to make a wearable golf tracker band. It’s for the health conscious golfer who wants a scoring summary and time of play, along with knowing just how much weight was gained from sitting in a golf cart all afternoon while downing three hot dogs and a six pack of beer.

Microsoft is teaming with Taylor Made to make a wearable golf tracker band. Apparently the engineers at Microsoft had another game in mind for the tracker but decided they could make more sales to golfers than people who played Quidditch.

A study says access to high speed fiber broadband can increase the value of a home by as much as 3%. Which is the same amount as access to an AOL capable phone line can increase the value of any double wide trailer.

Physicists claim the universe has a “ring” like the noise made from a crystal glass. Either that or they still have tinnitus from all the vuvuzelas at the last World Cup.

Physicists claim the universe has a “ring” like the noise made from a crystal glass. At least we can all be thankful that if there is any noise going on for 14 billion years it is crystal glass and not a car alarm, nails on a chalkboard or Gilbert Gottfried.

Researchers say that millions of silver coins were stored in the attic of the Parthenon in the 5th century. As opposed to present day where the Greek government may still have three Euros and a couple of bottles of Ouzo still hidden away in the Treasury.

President Obama is set to expand overtime pay for millions of workers. The only problem is that you only get overtime for more than 40 hours a week at one job, so it doesn’t count for the people working 75 hours a week at three jobs.

The White House says that Greece is not their problem. If they can’t figure out how to stay afloat with a debt of $1.73 Billion, they need to take a lesson from the masters who have been going on for years while in the hole for $17 Trillion.

Democrats in the House and Senate are pushing for statehood for Washington, D.C. Which is unpopular for most politicians, especially the ones who live in northern Virginia because if they are ever caught at least now it doesn’t involve crossing state lines.

Louisiana and Mississippi have begun issuing marriage licenses to same sex couples. Which is at odds with most people’s beliefs there that marriage should be between one man and his farm animals.

David Cassidy is selling his home as part of his bankruptcy proceedings. The sad part is that he is now forced to live in a psychedelic, refurbished 1974 school bus.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is the last day of June. Half the year is gone. I have already made one accomplishment in the first half of the year, namely spending all the money that I make for the entire year. We should treat this like a half way New Year’s Day, meaning that everyone can start over with our resolutions. I would like to see everyone start off the second half of 2015 by making sure to remember to send the love!

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