Sunday, June 28, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Supreme Court approved same sex marriage for all 50 states, to which Justice Antonin Scalia says the Court is a “threat to democracy.” He says this never would have happened back in the days of 2000 when the Court got to pick their own President.

Donald Trump has banned the staff of Univision from using his golf course in Miami over the network dropping his Miss Universe beauty pageant for his disparaging comments about Mexicans. Although he says they can get in a quick nine holes any time as long as it’s done while carrying hedge clippers or walking behind a lawnmower.

A poll says that 72% of Americans fear an economic crash, the highest ever. The other 28% don’t have anything to worry about since they are pretty much still trying to get through the meltdown that happened back in 2008.

A survey says that half of all Americans have delayed a major life event because of money worries. Mostly pushing any thoughts of retiring at age 65 back to somewhere around 93.

A study says that chimpanzees can tell right from wrong. Which explains how his guilt over not testifying against Michael Jackson drove Bubbles to spending the rest of his time at Neverland drinking all of Jackson’s Jesus Juice.

An Australian engineer has designed a robot that can build a house in two days. Although that still doesn’t beat the record of most bank loan officers who can still get through the foreclosing proceedings on the same home in less than 30 minutes.

An Australian engineer has designed a robot that can build a house in two days. Although it still can’t touch the record of putting up as many bricks over 48 minutes still held by LeBron James.

A study says that porn addiction is not real. At least as long as it is being done under the guise of gathering information for some kind of “study.”

McDonald’s says it will increase the size of its Quarter Pounder. It will be the first expansion associated with the restaurant’s menu other than what has been going on over the past 50 years with their customers’ waistlines.

The White House says it wants doctors to warn their patients about global warming. Mostly to take their minds off the fact that their annual check-up they are seeing the doctor about will not be covered by their Obamacare policy.

NASA is testing non-stick aircraft wing coatings to prevent accumulations of residue from insects. Also to make the wings slippery to prevent any more of those gremlins from hitching rides like that one on “The Twilight Zone.”

NASA is testing non-stick aircraft wing coatings to prevent accumulations of residue from insects. Now if the airlines would only do the same thing for their chicken sandwiches.

A report says that charitable giving in the U.S. reached a new high in 2014 of $358 Billion. Otherwise known as the combined salaries and perks of all the major corporate CEOs.

Fans of Alexander Hamilton say they are upset about him being replaced on the $10 Bill. None more than Larry King who says he hates to see any of his personal acquaintances demoted.

Fans of Alexander Hamilton say they are upset about him being replaced on the $10 Bill. For many people his picture brings back great memories, like the days when they actually had a ten dollar bill in their wallet.

AOL shareholders say they want a bigger payout than they are getting for the Verizon deal. Although they should be easy to negotiate with, as they can’t be that aware about stock values if they still own shares of AOL.

AOL shareholders say they want a bigger payout than they are getting for the Verizon deal. Some of them are drawing the line to get an equal value for their investment, like a straight across the board trade for the same amount of stock in Pets.com.

An analysis says that poor road conditions cost drivers an extra $515 a year in wear and repairs. Which you know means roads are getting really bad when that doesn’t even include the cost of getting your car towed out of a pothole.

A report says the roads in Washington, D.C. are the worst in the nation with 92% of them considered in poor shape. The other 8% of the roads are perfectly maintained so traffic can flow without any delays are the ones that go from the lobbyists' offices over to the Capitol Building.

Disney has banned selfie sticks from all of its theme parks. Apparently they don’t want to take away the tradition of park guests being asked every two minutes by a group of foreigners if they would mind taking their picture.

Disney has banned selfie sticks from all of its theme parks. Which is unfortunate for the people who will no longer have pictures to remind them of their trip since the cost of a Disney vacation means they can no longer afford to bring along the rest of the family.

Apple has changed its mind and will readmit some video games that feature the Confederate flag, including “Civil War: 1863.” Not to say that the people still playing a Civil War video game are old, but the only console that it can be used with is a Magnavox Odyssey.

Nutrition experts are hailing a federal decision to stop recommending restrictions of total fat consumption. Mostly because for many Americans, the fat they eat is so much more nutritious than the rest of their diet which is made up of sugar, salt and preservatives.

The CDC is warning of a pool parasite this summer. Which is different than the friends and relatives who are over to your house every day after finding out that you just had a pool put in your yard.

New technology will allow doctors to “walk” through people’s colons in a virtual colonoscopy. The only thing patients will need to do is make sure there is a welcome mat to they can wipe their shoes when they are done.

A report says that the brain is controlled mostly by the unconscious. Which has pretty much already been proven by anyone you have ever tried to have a conversation with while they have a smartphone in their hands.

Research says some OCD patients get relief through a removal of part of their brain. As opposed to people who like to watch C-SPAN congressional TV and find they only get relief through a complete frontal lobotomy.

A study says that antidepressants are linked to bone fractures in older women. Which is bad, especially when they are prescribed the medication because they are depressed about always breaking their bones.

A study says that only a third of people in the UK consider their diet healthy. The other two thirds figure it must be good because if they can eat a meal of haggis with no problems, there is nothing their body can’t handle.

Doctors extracted a five foot long hairball from a 15 year old girl in the UK. Apparently she made it through the procedure in good shape but for the next few days will be confined to her basket and litter box.

A study says that surgery may help teenagers with frequent migraine headaches. Which is ironic considering their parents have had to deal with one steady migraine since the day their kids reached their teens.

A picture of Kendall Jenner has become the most liked Instagram photo ever, beating out one of her step sister Kim Kardashian. Although the way to get it to have even more “likes” would be to caption one of their pictures as “This will be the last selfie I ever take.”

Tom Cruise is set to play Maverick again in a sequel to “Top Gun.” Only in this one he tries to avoid a Russian MiG that is firing on him while he is jumping up and down on a couch.

Tom Cruise is set to play Maverick again in a sequel to “Top Gun.” He is getting a little old to be believable as a fighter pilot so instead he rides around on his Rascal yelling at the neighborhood kids to get off his lawn.

Tom Cruise is set to play Maverick again in a sequel to “Top Gun.” Although since the cast is a little older, instead of the beach volleyball scene they wear their robes while getting in a couple of games of shuffleboard.

Kim Kardashian says she thought her career was over after her divorce. Millions of people were asking the same question. Just what is her career?

Kim Kardashian says she thought her career was over after her divorce. But all it actually did was make people become interested in seeing how long she could tough it out being married to Kanye West.

The NFL has posted an opening for a “Director of Investigations.” The position requires candidates to be familiar with social media and computers and applicants must have their own air pressure gauge.

Andong Song has become the first Chinese player drafted by the NHL. Which has a lot of people confused, saying “Isn’t Andong Song the name of the Asian guy in “Sixteen Candles”?

A study says that texts make people sound less intelligent and employable than the same information communicated verbally. Although nothing makes someone sound dumber than saying “OMG!,” “BRB” or “LOL.”

A study says the Apple Watch has some Millennials feeling guilty, worrying that it is an ostentatious symbol of wealth. Which shows how far our economy has fallen when young people think they have arrived when they acquire $300 of disposable income.

A study says that three quarters of American households making less than $30,000 a year are online. The reason they make less than $30,000 is because the rest of their income has gone to a Nigerian prince they met over the Internet.

A survey says that 73% of businesses are planning to switch over to Windows 10 within two years of its release. The other 37% will make the change just as soon as they finally are able to get their computers running on Windows Vista to boot up.

Pollster John Zogby says the recent Supreme Court decisions have made President Obama’s legacy equal to that of Ronald Reagan. All he needs to do now is star in a few low budget B movies and make a few commercials for 20 Mule Team Borax and he will seal the deal.

Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders says he will step up his outreach to minority voters. The first thing he will do is leave his home state of Vermont so for the first time he can actually see for himself what a minority voter looks like.

The Department of Education says it is backing off a plan to rate colleges and universities. Which really isn’t necessary since all most college applicants use anyway is the Princeton Review for top party schools.

The Department of Education says it is backing off a plan to rate colleges and universities. The rankings were to be based on a scale from 30 to 45 based on the number of years for each school it was estimated it will take graduates to pay off their tuition loans.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Supreme Court approved same sex marriages and Obamacare in the same week. Although no cameras are allowed in the court, for an idea of how Justice Antonin Scalia reacted just remember the face of Spencer Tracy the moment his daughter introduces him to her fiancee Sidney Poitier in “Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner.” I don’t want to get into the politics of it, that’s reserved for the jokes. But from a comedy standpoint, you can’t buy stuff like this. The only thing that makes me happier when I sit down to crank out the jokes is when you all remember to send the love!

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