Friday, June 26, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Supreme Court voted to strike down a challenge to Obamacare. The good news is that there will still be health care available for all the congressional Republicans whose heads just exploded.

The Supreme Court voted to strike down a challenge to Obamacare. Dissenting Justice Antonin Scalia says the decision showed that “words no longer have meaning.” To which everyone in Washington, D.C. says words are just there to throw off the people who think there is more to any issue than money.

Government officials say foreign hackers stole intimate personal details of government workers, including information about their sex partners, drug and alcohol abuse and gambling problems. The question is, why is the government hiring people with all those personal issues?

Government officials say foreign hackers stole intimate personal details of government workers, including information about their sex partners, drug and alcohol abuse and gambling problems. The first question is who puts all that information into their work file in the first place?

Government officials say foreign hackers stole intimate personal details of government workers, including information about their sex partners, drug and alcohol abuse and gambling problems. And that’s just from the election filing forms of all the members of Congress.

A survey says many businesses live in fear for their future in the digital age. Although it’s hard to believe the digital age is going to really change anything if after all these years AOL is still in business.

A report says that red eyes from a swimming pool are not caused by chlorine but instead urine. The report also means that people who are drunk don’t have red eyes from the alcohol, but from putting their heads a little too far in the toilet when they throw up all night.

British scientists say that experiments with humans and artificial blood could take place within two years. The good news is that if it works out, blood transfusions won’t need to be done at hospitals but more conveniently when you take the car in to Jiffy Lube.

Apple cofounder Steve Wozniak says one day humans will end up as robots’ pets. Which is not exactly a surprise considering we have already become slaves to our iPhones.

The auto industry has been enlisting ethicists and philosophers to determine how driverless cars should react in an accident, which means picking where the car could swerve and who would be hit. Although car makers don’t really need to feel guilty about anything since no one will survive any accident due to the faulty airbags they install.

The auto industry has been enlisting ethicists and philosophers to determine how driverless cars should react in an accident, which means picking where the car could swerve and who would be hit. The question is where were all the ethicists and philosophers when they started building cars that get recall notices every other week?

A smelly refrigerator at the University of Kentucky sent eleven people to the hospital. Apparently members of the fraternity that owned the refrigerator mistook several food expiration dates that said “8/16” meant they were good through August of 1916.

Patrick Macnee, who starred in the 1960s show “The Avengers” has died at age 93. The family says to whomever is responsible, there will be retribution.

Jimmy Carter says he hopes the play “Camp David” about the 1978 peace agreement will make it to Broadway. It’s the play that is filled with constant intermissions and has no real ending.

Data says that people who eat liquid foods like soup are more likely to have Apple phones while people who eat solid foods like pizza are more inclined to have an Android phone. Mostly because they spend so much time on their cellphones they can’t get a job that pays them enough to eat anything other than soup and pizza.

The U.S. issued a report on human rights, criticizing China for corruption and dealing with activists with repression and coercion. The reported ended with a hearty “Well done!”

A consumer agency has released thousands of complaints from disgruntled customers about banks, credit card companies and other financial institutions. The good news is that all of the complaints were made before 2008 when people still had enough money to have a bank account credit card and needed financial services.

Ford is showing off its latest wearables that lets people keep tabs on their car even when they are not in them. As opposed to people who own GM cars who know exactly what their car is doing, usually sitting on a rack at the dealership for the latest recall.

A report says that Americans’ spending in May jumped to its highest rate in the past six years. Most of the spending came on new vehicles, since the economy has improved to the point where people are making enough money to buy an even bigger car to live in.

A study says that mistakes made on memory and thinking tests may signal early warning signs of Alzheimer’s Disease. Especially when the person was three hours late for the test because they wrote down the wrong address four different times.

A study says “fitness” labels on food may lead to people eating more and exercising less. At least until they see that someone has slapped a label saying “Wide Load” on the backside of their jeans.

A British bioethicist says men should freeze their sperm when they are 18 because of the risks attached with being an older father. Also because in this economy most men won’t be financially secure enough to start a family until they are in their 80s.

A study says that military veterans report only limited use of sunscreen protection while on duty. Mostly because of the mess, inconvenience and the lack of proof that anything even with an SPF of 45 has never been known to stop a bullet.

The U.S. has fallen in a survey of the world’s happiest countries, from 12th to 23rd. Mostly because 11 other oil producing countries jumped past us knowing that with the price of oil coming down they don’t have to be worried about a U.S. military invasion.

AT&T says that one in ten drivers are video chatting while behind the wheel while 61% are texting and 17% are taking selfies. People were shocked. They had no idea that many AT&T customers could be connected long enough to do any of that.

A study says that having more sex doesn’t necessarily make people any happier. Especially the ones who are caught by their wives.

Bristol Palin has announced she is pregnant again. She says she wants no sympathy. It’s too late for that. You have to feel sorry for anyone who has to go through life admitting that their mother is Sarah Palin.

Bristol Palin has announced she is pregnant again. It’s just unfortunate that no one explained that she is a bit to old to audition for “16 & Pregnant.”

Buckingham Palace needs some repairs which may force Queen Elizabeth II to move out for awhile. The worst part will be when Kate finds out why William insisted they move into a house with a mother-in-law suite built on the back.

The first openly gay professional pitcher will make a start in the minors. The only problem has been finding someone who will volunteer to be the catcher.

The CEO of Microsoft says he wants to help the world achieve more. Although the best way is to be picked as the chief executive of a company that has already been around for 40 years and is worth $460 billion.

The CEO of Microsoft says he wants to help the world achieve more. Which they will find is a lot easier once they get rid of their devices operated by Windows Vista.

45 newspapers have united to bring their readers uplifting, solutions-based news. The first solution they will work on is how to get people to start reading newspapers again so they can climb out of their mountain of debt.

NASA says it will use holographic glasses on the International Space Station. Mostly so they can pretend to be somewhere other than inside a tiny room orbiting 200 miles above the Earth along with several other socially awkward nerds.

Google search is already indicating that Hillary Clinton will be the next President. Apparently the algorithm was based on the number of attractive young women already applying in advance to be White House interns.

A survey says Americans worked an average of 7 hours and 45 minutes a day in 2014. Which really works out to 45 minutes when you take away the three hours of watching Internet porn and four hours spent looking at cat videos, taking selfies and texting friends with their cellphones.

McDonald’s says it is selling fewer sodas with its Happy Meals. Mostly because soft drinks just seem to leave an after taste that lingers a bit longer than usual when mixed in with the insulin injections.

Police in Pennsylvania used a fitness tracker to determine a woman was lying about a crime. Mostly because her alibi was she was out jogging but the police knew otherwise when they saw the wrist band was stained with bacon grease, pizza sauce and Haagen Dazs.

An analysis says that Netflix will show higher Nielsen ratings than any of the major networks. Which isn’t that impressive since their offerings of reruns of “Hogan’s Heroes” are already singlehandedly beating out NBC.

Apple is removing apps from video games that contain the Confederate flag. Apparently they don’t want young children to be distracted with the controversial emblem while they are chopping heads off zombies, stealing cars and blowing up buildings.

Startup companies are trying ways to automate hiring employees. Apparently the algorithm is programmed to detect which resumes are from people most likely to learn the quickest how to clean and repair the Slurpee Machine.

Alex Stamos, head of security for Yahoo is moving over to Facebook. In his years at Yahoo, there were no security breaches. Mostly because who would want to waste their time to find out what Yahoo is hiding?

Alex Stamos, head of security for Yahoo is moving over to Facebook. Which questions how good he is since he couldn’t even keep himself from being pilfered.

A survey says that 62% of Americans have lost sleep over at least one financial concern. Mostly worrying about the price of their prescriptions for all their sleep medications.

A survey says that 62% of Americans have lost sleep over at least one financial concern. The other 38% quit worrying back in the crash of 2008 when they lost their home, job and any hint of finances they still had left.

A proposed law gives Congress the right to define who is and isn’t a craft brewer. Which answers “yes” to the question that it really does take an act of Congress to get a decent glass of ale.

Bob Beckel has been fired from the Fox News Channel show “The Five.” Apparently budget freezes have caused them to cut back the show to just ”The Four.”

Bob Beckel has been fired from the Fox News Channel show “The Five.” Which is a coincidence that a show on Fox had the same name as the number of viewers who still watch CNN.

Chris Christie will reportedly announce his candidacy for President on June 30th. Apparently he is waiting because he feels campaigning really gets to be a grind if it lasts any longer than 17 months.

Members of Congress weighed in on who they think should be pictured on the $10 Bill. Many were going to select their favorite lobbyist but decided it would be better to wait until there is an opening for the bill they more closely associate them with. A stack of unmarked twenties.

Polls show that Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders is gaining in popularity but is still mostly unknown to black voters. At least outside of the three black families who actually still live in Vermont.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This is the last weekend in June. Which means absolutely nothing, but I have nothing else to talk about. What it does mean is that the year is about half over. The good news is that I have only half a year’s debt to still pile up before I start over. I always love it when people say “Can you believe it is July already?” To which I usually say “Yes I can. Because we are just getting done with June and before that was May, April, March, February and January, which gave us five months advance notice this was on the way.” Which is why I have no friends. Except for all of you, of which the only thing I ever ask is that once in awhile you remember to keep on sending the love!

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