Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

An English newspaper says Pope Francis I lives in a “sad world of Make-believe.” To which atheists around the world are saying “we told you so!”

A report says the planet is in a new stage of extinction with many species including humans essentially becoming “the walking dead.” Which we apparently were designated once pedestrian foot traffic areas were separated to avoid people running into each other while texting.

Scientists say that global warming will result in smaller loaves of bread by 2050. That could be a good thing. If we were restricted to making smaller ham sandwiches, Mama Cass Elliot might still be with us.

Scientists say that global warming will result in smaller loaves of bread by 2050. Raging wildfires, widespread drought and killer tropical storms we can deal with. But when there isn’t enough bread around to make a full sized turkey sandwich, that is people will finally demand we take action.

Ohio Governor John Kasich has told Pope Francis I that the environment “shouldn’t be worshiped.” Kasich backed up his comments by saying if the Pope doesn’t believe the people of Ohio don’t worship the environment, he should come visit Cleveland.

The Weather Channel is taking an active stance in climate change. Mostly so they can blame global warming as the cause each time they blow a forecast.

The Weather Channel is taking an active stance in climate change. Mostly as an excuse to try to get more viewers by insisting global warming is the reason all their women meteorologists are wearing shorter skirts.

A report says that 1 in 10 workers in North Carolina are foreign born. Those are mostly the people the state has been paying to go wading in the beach areas at least through the end of shark season.

An audit says that some Amtrak workers are claiming to have worked up to 40 hours a day. It’s the biggest case of time card padding since several members of Congress claimed to have once worked an eight hour day.

A survey says that marijuana prices are crashing in Colorado. Which won’t be anywhere near as much crashing as the pot smokers who can buy more weed and spend their entire day on the couch.

A survey says that marijuana prices are crashing in Colorado. More pot available at lower prices means if there was ever a time to invest in Domino’s Pizza, this is it.

Facebook can now recognize people in photos even if it can’t see their faces. Apparently it just compares the the food stains on their shirts and matches them to all the photos of meals they have posted over the years.

Angelina Jolie says we are living in an era of “mass displacement.” Mostly all the children from Third World countries that Jolie has adopted and brought back to the U.S.

Eateries in a southern Chinese town held an annual festival featuring dog and cat meat. Or as the rest of the country calls that, “Tuesday.”

Data says that U.S. adults have surpassed children in taking ADHD drugs to improve their focus. Remember the days when adults took drugs so they could become completely out of focus?

A study says that the number of people who are obese now outnumber those who are just overweight. Which means the battle for the chief mode of transportation is no longer between GM and Toyota, it’s down to Rascal versus Shoprider.

A study says that the number of people who are obese now outnumber those who are just overweight. Which means we have finally gotten to the point where fat is the new thin.

General Mills is dropping artificial ingredients from its cereals. Which means their latest breakfast food product will pretty much be a box of air.

A former Gulf Stream executive has been sentenced to 11 years in prison for embezzling $10 Million. What do you call someone who embezzles $50 Million? The average Gulf Stream customer.

A former Gulf Stream executive has been sentenced to 11 years in prison for embezzling $10 Million. The good news is that his sentence could have been much worse. The judge could have ordered him be restricted to flying coach.

A study says that increasing extreme weather events are linked to climate change. Although conservatives are still clinging to the argument if extreme weather is a recent phenomenon, how do climatologists explain Noah and his ark?

Airlines were forced to cancel 500 flights out of O’Hare International Airport on Monday. Or as United Airlines calls that, a pretty good start to the week.

South Carolina is eyeing taking the Confederate flag off the Statehouse grounds. Not only that, they are also considering removing the refrigerator and couch off the porch of the Capitol Building and moving the pickup truck off the lawn.

Chilean authorities have declared an environmental emergency across the country. It’s the biggest environmental disaster in South America since pretty much South America.

“Jurassic World” has become the fastest movie to ever gross $1 Billion, hitting the mark after only 13 days. It’s the fastest billion dollars ever made from dinosaur remains other than the same amount taken in about every ten minutes by Big Oil.

Niagara Bottling has recalled 14 brands of water for possible E. coli contamination. That’s what they get for filling all those bottles of fresh artesian spring water from the same garden hose.

Airline fees for checked bags and reservation changes hit a record in the first quarter. Mostly from passengers needing to rebook after their flight was canceled and having to pack three suitcases in case the airlines lose the other two.

KFC says a lab test proved that a “deep fried rat” that was turned in by a customer was actually a piece of chicken. They were pretty sure it was chicken all along because the piece was served extra crispy and rats are only offered in the original style.

Former Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke says he is appalled at the decision to replace Alexander Hamilton on the $10 Bill. It’s almost as confounding a question to the average American as “Who was Alexander Hamilton?”

A study says CEO pay at the nation’s largest companies is 303 times that of the employees. Apparently they arrived at that number by dividing the CEO salaries by $7.35 an hour.

McDonald’s is packaging takeout food aimed at cyclists. The tricky part was pureeing a Big Mac so it could fit inside one of those detachable water bottles.

McDonald’s is packaging takeout food aimed at cyclists. The new meals come with two Quarter Pounders, a large order of fries and a defibrillator.

A report says that first time home buyers lifted home sales to their highest number in more than five years. Which will give them a chance to join everyone else in another few years to become first time mortgage foreclosees.

Experts are warning that the health risk from climate change is a “medical emergency.” Although if extreme weather events bring infectious diseases, poor nutrition and stress, it will make us all healthier in the long run by at least ending the obesity crisis.

The EPA says climate change could cost the U.S. $180 Billion by the end of the century. Mostly for all the money being paid to researchers to keep coming out with the latest scary scenarios of what climate change is going to do to us.

The EPA says climate change could cost the U.S. $180 Billion by the end of the century.  Which is actually a bargain compared to the amount of money going through Congress every day and the resulting damage they inflict on all of us.

Doctors say a woman in Australia was severely injured by staying in a squatting position long periods of time while wearing skinny jeans. And that was just while she was trying to put them on.

Doctors say a woman in Australia was severely injured by staying in a squatting position long periods of time while wearing skinny jeans. To which fashion experts say if they were really skinny jeans she shouldn’t have been able to squat in the first place.

The American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists is discouraging pot use during pregnancy. Mostly just to stop their fetuses from kicking uncontrollably every time they pass a Domino’s.

The American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists is discouraging pot use during pregnancy. The first sign a woman is smoking pot while pregnant is when she says one of the names they are considering for the baby is Little Caesar.

The American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists is discouraging pot use during pregnancy. The first sign that a woman is smoking pot while pregnant is when she tries to check in to the maternity ward three months after she gives birth.

The CBO says 19 Million people could lose their health insurance if Obamacare is repealed. Which means all those people will never get the chance to find out what it is like to have coverage that allows them to sit three hours in a doctor’s waiting room and fight the next six months with their insurance company over the cost.

Studies say that mothers should be paid another $66,500 a year to make up for the stress cost of having children. Which coincidentally is exactly enough to cover the cost of hiring a nanny.

A study says that children who are good liars have superior memory skills. Mostly because you can’t be a good liar if you can’t remember which story you told to your boss, your wife and your girlfriend.

Doctors in Chile found a four pound fetus inside a 92 year old woman. Apparently she was holding off giving birth until she felt there was finally enough money in the kid’s college fund.

Sean “Diddy” Combs was arrested for assault with a deadly weapon for reportedly swinging a kettlebell weight at his son’s coach. Not to say rappers have gone soft, but that is almost as annoyingly upscale as trying to strangle someone with a yoga position.

Former “Star Wars” child actor Jake Lloyd was arrested in South Carolina after leading police on a high speed chase at more than 100 miles an hour. Apparently he raised suspicions when he was see driving the only vehicle in South Carolina without a rebel flag posted on the bumper.

Hugh Hefner says his former girlfriend Holly Madison has “chosen to rewrite history” in her memoir. Hefner says her claims that dating him was like being in the Paleozoic age is a complete exaggeration as he is not a day older than Mesozoic.

Amazon is testing paying self-published authors by the number of pages read instead of by the book. Which is good news for people writing self-help books for seniors who have to use a font large enough so that only one word fits on each page.

Amazon is testing paying self-published authors by the number of pages read instead of by the book. Which is bad news for murder mystery writers who find their readers like to save time by going straight to the last page to see who did it.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope you enjoyed this batch of my daily joke-fest. The good news is if you didn’t just wait another 24 hours and I will have another batch of equally bad humor. The quality control department here has a pretty easy job. Which is still easier than your job which is to make sure to remember every day to keep sending the love!

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