Friday, June 19, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that Brian Williams will stay at NBC but lose his anchor position with the network and be relegated to cable station MSNBC. His first report will be how the news of his moving to MSNBC scared Fox News so much it caused Rupert Murdoch to step down as CEO.

Democratic presidential candidate Martin O’Malley says there will be zero fossil fuels in use by 2050. Which means by then the only place that still runs off the remains of dinosaurs will be the halls of Congress.

BBC technology allows people to change channels with their minds. How lazy have we gotten that now even picking up the remote has become too much work?

BBC technology allows people to change channels with their minds. Which is ironic as people in the UK have been tuning out the BBC inside their head for years.

McDonald’s will shrink in size with more restaurants being shut down than opened for the first time in decades. In fact, the only thing associated with McDonald’s that is still growing are its customers’ waistlines.

A woman who was considered the world’s oldest person has died in Michigan at 116. Her secret to longevity was trying to live long enough to be able to save the money she needed to finally get out of Michigan.

The French government is advising travelers visiting the U.S. about the legal dangers of rude comments, jokes and behavior. In other words, they are telling them when in other countries to not be quite so French.

The Census Bureau says it is considering dropping the word “race” from its 2020 survey. Mostly because it has taken them five years so far just to figure out the one turned in by Rachel Dolezal.

The Census Bureau says it is considering dropping the word “race” from its 2020 survey. At least in Idaho, Montana and Wyoming where the choices will be “white” and “whiter.”

A Catholic newspaper says Pope Francis I is “unduly pessimistic about the world.” How bad has it gotten when even the man who has direct communication with God is telling us we are screwed?

The Encyclical on the environment by Pope Francis I says the Earth is beginning to look like an “immense pile of filth.” The scary part is that he made that statement and has never even been to New Jersey.

Pope Francis I says that businesses are too obsessed with maximizing profits at the expense of the environment. In other words, there may be some oil companies out there that have been a little lax on their tithing.

Russia is calling for an investigation into whether the U.S. Moon landings actually happened. They don’t understand that anything can happen in a country where a business makes billions of dollars selling $5 cups of coffee.

Russia is calling for an investigation into whether the U.S. Moon landings actually happened. Which is no surprise coming from a country that is still trying to get over the U.S. beating their hockey team in the 1980 Olympics.

Russia is calling for an investigation into whether the U.S. Moon landings actually happened. But then, who ever thought that Tiger Woods would have three rounds in the 80s in one year?

Joe Biden says he will make a decision whether he will run for President by August. Mostly because that is when he is expected to finally be done with the speech he is currently giving.

A paper says that every day plastics are responsible for low fertility rates in men. It is the biggest cause for diminishing men's chances of fatherhood since the polyester leisure suit.

People in Florida are hiring their own judges in order to guarantee speedy civil trials. Although trials for people in disputes are becoming unnecessary in Florida ever since it became legal to just shoot each other.

NOAA says it was the warmest May, spring and year so far on record. It has made for everyone’s worst nightmare. Al Gore standing on his front porch yelling out “I told you so!”

The U.N. says there are more refugees in the world now than ever on record. And that is just the people who are still out on the streets after taking out a subprime home loan back in 2008.

Carlsberg has launched a line of men’s grooming products that are made with and smell like beer. Or as most women call that, unscented.

Carlsberg has launched a line of men’s grooming products that are made with and smell like beer. Which now gives men who get pulled over for DUI to tell the arresting officer that odor is just their cologne.

Utah Valley University has a designated lane around campus for people who want to text while walking. Which is ironic in that the only people who are walking around between classes are the ones who don’t have a car because they crashed it while texting behind the wheel.

Allstate Insurance has patented a device that evaluates people’s physiological state while behind the wheel, including their vital signs. Apparently they want to see if their heart rate is anywhere as fast while driving as it is when they open their insurance bill.

The Bureau of Justice Statistics says that 10% of the population commit 63% of the homicides. Criminal experts were surprised. They had no idea that percentage of the people were residents of Florida.

A survey says the average American spends $2,600 a year on their daily commute. Although that also includes repairs to their cars from crashing into each other while texting behind the wheel.

A survey says the average American spends $2,600 a year on their daily commute. Although that amount has dropped some since the recession now that more people are forced to work so many hours they just live at the office.

A report says that applications for U.S. jobless aid has fallen to a 15 year low. Mostly because the people who have been out of work since 2000 have finally used up all their eligibility for more benefits.

A study says that children tend to get the grades their parents expect them to get. Meaning when they wonder why their children sit on the couch all day playing video games and fail out of school, the obvious question is “What did you expect?”

A study says that children tend to get the grades their parents expect them to get. The good news is that kids who are in a family with no job or home in this economy know they can still flunk out and have a chance at doing better than their parents.

A study says that people can improve their chances at losing pounds by using a scale to chart their weight every day. The bad part is for people who realize the only way they can get an accurate measurement is by getting behind the diesels at the freeway truck scales.

A study says that fermented foods and drinks may help with social anxiety. Fermented foods include sauerkraut, kimchi and pickled cucumbers. Fermented drinks include beer that makes you less self conscious about smelling like sauerkraut, kimchi and pickled cucumbers.

Researchers say that new drugs may prevent migraines by interrupting the chain of events thought to create the headaches. Which is otherwise known to most people as birth control.

Scientists say they have found a gene that regulates sleep. Which basically means they decoded the genome of the average cat.

A study says that eating less can slow down aging. The way it works is by just making it seem like time is passing more slowly for people who are starving and counting the minutes until their next meal.

Users of the navigation app Waze can now get turn by turn directions from the voice of Arnold Schwarzenegger as “The Terminator.” Which could be dangerous if his directions are the same as how he led California as Governor, turning hard to the right and taking the whole state over a cliff.

Users of the navigation app Waze can now get turn by turn directions from the voice of Arnold Schwarzenegger as “The Terminator.” If that works, Joe Pesci from “Goodfellas” will soon be available for people in New Jersey who need directions on where to dump a body.

Justin Bieber and Usher are being sued for $10 Million for copyright infringement by two songwriters who say their songs were copied. The toughest part will be for the songwriters to put their careers on the line and say their style is similar to Justin Bieber.

Major League Baseball says it has canceled 65 Million votes for the All-Star game, fearing fraud. Suspicions were raised when some of the votes actually went for some of the players on the Houston Astros.

Major League Baseball says it has canceled 65 Million votes for the All-Star game, fearing fraud. What’s worse is that the leading vote getter is now George W. Bush.

Tom Benson, the owner of the New Orleans Pelicans and Saints has been declared legally competent in action brought against him by his family. To which Donald Sterling is asking “How do I get that judge?”

Tom Benson, the owner of the New Orleans Pelicans and Saints has been declared legally competent in action brought against him by his family. Apparently the judge based his decision on the writ of “Not as crazy as Al Davis.”

San Antonio Spurs forward Tim Duncan says he lost $25 Million to a former financial adviser. The good news is that he was just able to finish wallpapering his entire home with his stock certificates from AOL.

San Antonio Spurs forward Tim Duncan says he lost $25 Million to a former financial adviser. His first mistake was signing on with the adviser after a recommendation from Allen Iverson.

Cuba is offering its citizens better access to the Internet. As opposed to the current method it takes for Cubans to figure out how to get online by watching reruns of “MacGyver.”

Cuba is offering its citizens better access to the Internet. So far, only 5% of Cubans can get online. Which means the other 95% are going to be pretty upset when they see there are cars that were actually built after 1957.

A study says that kangaroos are natural lefties, favoring their left hand 95% of the time. Which may be why you never see one playing at third base.

Twitter says it will allow users to follow live events through streams of tweets, photos and videos. Although it is hard to imagine people getting out the popcorn, chips and beer to settle in to watch the Super Bowl through a series of 140 character descriptions.

The FCC is moving forward with a plan to subsidize Broadband Internet access for poor Americans. Which is ironic in that most poor Americans got that way after losing half what they own when their wives found out who they were messaging on Facebook.

A report says that technology that can brake cars by sensing impending accidents could cut 80% of rear end crashes. Although 100% of rear end crashes could be eliminated if they could develop technology that would shut off people’s cell phones when they get behind the wheel.

Tiger Woods shot an 80 in the first round of the U.S. Open. Which shows he really means it when he says being a dad is important, as he is doing everything he can to make sure he will be home with his kids for the entire Fathers’ Day Weekend.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Fathers’ Day Weekend. That means dad gets to go outside and mow the lawn, wash the car and get the grill ready for the dinner he cooks just before sitting down to open his present, yet another plaid tie. But it is worth it to be a dad. My daughter gives me joy every day. I am talking about the liquid Joy I use to clean up the plates after the dinner I cook for her every night. Just kidding. She is a great girl who is almost 16 and has not taken up the art of rolling her eyes at me. That is worth it right there. The U.S. Open is on this weekend. It’s the main sporting event since the NBA Finals are done before Fathers’ Day since the players need the entire off season to visit all their children. I hope all you dads have a great weekend and that you moms are OK with them watching TV all day and doing nothing even if it isn’t football season. And of course, you can always make my weekend by remembering to send the love!

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