Thursday, June 18, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Former Spokane NAACP President Rachel Dolezal says she was in a sex tape because her husband forced her. Although that does make it the first to be marketed as “Blaxploitation” since 1978.

Former Spokane NAACP President Rachel Dolezal has reportedly been offered her own reality show by two different cable networks. Which is only fitting since by claiming she is black means that she is already living in her own reality.

Beach goers in North Carolina are being warned against ocean swimming because of sharks. As opposed to New Jersey beach goers who are warned against ocean swimming because of raw sewage, medical waste and assorted floating bodies.

A mystery buyer is reportedly planning to put several apartments together to make a $250 Million, 14,000 square foot penthouse in Manhattan. The owner was hoping for a backyard with a playground but may just settle for also buying Central Park and Coney Island.

Fox Sports is planning to use a drone in its coverage of the 2015 U.S. Open golf tournament. It will be the first time the term “drone” has been used in golf announcing since Johnny Miller moved into the broadcast booth.

A report says that Clinton Foundation head Donna Shalala has described the Clintons as “paranoid.” Which means if the president of their own charity is claiming they are worried that people are after them, they are probably right.

A calculator from NPR shows how likely it will be to have your job automated in the next few years. Which means that if it can be done with a simple algorithm on a hand calculator, you are probably out of luck.

A calculator from NPR shows how likely it will be to have your job automated in the next few years. Which is really bad for the person who used to be in charge of figuring out which jobs would be disappearing and has now been replaced by the calculator.

A calculator from NPR shows how likely it will be to have your job automated in the next few years. Which is ironic in that since the advent of satellite and Internet radio, who needs NPR anymore?

A survey says that Americans’ confidence in religion is at a new low. Mostly because no matter how hard people pray, they keep ending up over and over with the same people getting reelected to Congress.

A massive disinfecting campaign is taking place in South Korea to fight MERS. Although apparently it is just a continuation of the decontamination attempts that have been going on ever since Paris Hilton visited the country last year.

Goldman Sachs is telling its interns they need to leave the office by midnight and not show up before 7 AM to prevent burnout. The company feels it could set a dangerous precedent. Besides only a 17 hour workday what demands are next, bathroom breaks, minimum wage and removing the shackles?

The Encyclical by Pope Francis I says the effects of global warming will have the biggest impact on the poor. It could be the biggest cause of widespread poverty other than people with limited means continuing to tithe to the Church.

A restoration of the Colosseum in Rome is helping historians and visitors re-imagine battles between gladiators and wild animals. Although American tourists are not impressed, saying the parking is terrible, there’s no domed roof and whoever heard of a stadium without any luxury private corporate boxes?

The U.S. birth rate has gone up for the first time since 2007, mostly from an increase in pregnancies in women in their 30s and 40s. Which can only mean one thing, that Kevin Federline is getting older and is no longer attractive to women in their 20s.

A British lawyer convinced a newspaper to let him hide a marriage proposal in the daily crossword puzzle. The sad part was her answer was “Two letters, a negative expression of an alternative possibility.”

A British lawyer convinced a newspaper to let him hide a marriage proposal in the daily crossword puzzle. The only bad part was that being a lawyer, the rest of the crossword contained the prenuptial contract, division of property and spousal support.

India saw the biggest jump in millionaires last year, with an increase of 26%. Which means we’ve outsourced them our jobs, our factories and now all of our wealth.

AT&T has been fined $100 Million by the FCC for slowing down data speeds for some customers. The only question is how could AT&T customers tell that their Internet speed had gotten even slower?

AT&T has been fined $100 Million by the FCC for slowing down data speeds for some customers. The first clue that things were slowing down was when customers noticed their AT&T smartphones came with a rotary dial.

AT&T has been fined $100 Million by the FCC for slowing down speeds for customers on unlimited data plans. Unfortunately, they didn’t realize that “unlimited” meant the time it would take to download any data.

Ben & Jerry’s has announced a line of non-dairy ice cream. Apparently the company figures how much trouble can they get into if Coors Light can still be sold as an alcoholic beverage?

A report says the wealthiest Americans are putting more money into stocks than any other asset class. Mostly because the middle and lower classes barely have enough money to fill a sock they keep under their mattress.

An airline trade group is scrapping a proposal for passengers to use smaller carry-on bags. Travelers were outraged. It’s hard enough stuffing their kids into the bags they already have to avoid being charged for another seat.

Fiat Chrysler came in at the bottom of the annual J.D. Power quality survey. You have to admire their courage. Fiat Chrysler entering a car quality competition is like Adam Sandler putting his name in to be considered for Oscar balloting.

Senators are probing sales of dubious brain supplements. Although manufacturers say they are protected since the labels on their products only guarantees users to be as smart as their congressman.

A survey says that fewer than half of Americans understand the SPF readings on sunscreen labels. Apparently most just know the different levels of sun exposure as “tanned,” “burned” and “spontaneous combustion.”

A survey says that fewer than half of Americans understand the SPF readings on sunscreen labels. Like Rachel Dolezal says the different levels of SPF determine if you will be able to pass yourself off as Hispanic, Indian or Black.

A study says that watching cat videos online boosts the viewers’ energy and positive emotions and decrease negative feelings. At least until they open their pay envelope to find a pink slip for not getting anything done in the office for the past eight months.

A study says that teen smoking can be cut by raising the legal age to buy cigarettes up to 21. An even easier way to end all teen issues would be to just consider all newborns to be 20.

Experts say a rising birth rate is a sign of an improving economy. Mostly because the odds for men to even get close to being intimate with a woman are pretty much at zero when they pick them up in their Kia for a dinner date at McDonald’s.

A Georgia father helped deliver his own baby in a Waffle House parking lot. People were amazed. No one even knew Britney Spears was pregnant again.

The CDC says the teen birth rate in the U.S. has dropped to a record low. The reasons are better birth control information, less sexual activity and that ever since it was canceled, there is no reason to audition for “Teen Mom 2.”

An Italian surgeon says there is a “90% chance” that a human head transplant would be successful. Especially if it combined the awesome body of Nicki Minaj with a head that actually has a brain.

A movie theater in L.A. has installed seats that move with the action on the screen. Actually they are just the regular fixed seats, it’s just that the theater only shows screenings of “The English Patient.”

A movie theater in L.A. has installed seats that move with the action on the screen. Which means if it is a Sharon Stone film, the seats pretty much immediately go into a horizontal position.

Hollywood actresses are supporting a call by the ACLU to investigate how woman filmmakers are hired. To which Hollywood executives say it is like anything else in the business. They go through an intensive interview and audition and the one who looks hottest in a bikini gets hired.

Three of the couples who appeared on the reality show “Married At First Sight” have split up. Although the contestants don’t like to use the word “divorce.” They prefer to say they failed to be renewed for the following season.

Three of the couples who appeared on the reality show “Married At First Sight” have split up. Apparently the problem was their compatibility in bed. The women kept complaining the sex was nothing but reruns.

The Mayor of San Diego says he questions whether the Chargers are serious about staying in the city. To which everyone else is wondering how serious any team is that puts lightning bolt decals on their helmets.

Astronomers have named a newly discovered galaxy after soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo. They picked a soccer player because the cluster’s distance in light years has as many zeros as “gooooooooooooooooooooal!”

Astronomers have named a newly discovered galaxy after soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo. Which is no big deal when you consider the galaxy that contains our own planet, the Milky Way was named after a candy bar.

The NBA Finals this year were the most watched since 1998. All the league has to do is get all the players’ children to watch the games and they are guaranteed a 40% rating.

Johnny Manziel says he is ditching his money sign. Mostly because the hand gesture he is most associated after a rough season and going through rehab is the extended index finger and thumb “loser” sign.

Microsoft has just gone through a major shakeup in the company’s leadership. There hasn’t been such complete upheaval in the company since Bill Gates changed the type of bowl he used for his haircuts.

Canada’s government websites were shut down after a cyber attack. Official Canadian sites are easy to find. They are the ones that use the domain “.eh?”

Methane gas found on meteorites from Mars suggests the possibility of life. Either that or the planet has gotten its first Taco Bell.

The Treasury Department says a woman will soon be pictured on the $10 bill. Although they haven’t made a final selection, it is apparently down to the three women most Americans associate with money. Either Khloe, Kourtney or Kim Kardashian.

The Treasury Department says a woman will soon be pictured on the $10 bill. Most Americans were excited about the idea. Not a woman being featured on the currency, but thinking that some day they might actually get their hands again on a ten dollar bill.

The U.S. exported a record $120.8 Billion to China in 2014. Which is good news for the Chinese as it means now that we have given them all our jobs, factories and income they no longer have to buy the same cheap crap they export to us.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The U.S. Open golf tournament starts today. Which means in about five holes Tiger Woods will be officially in danger of missing the cut. The U.S. Open is my favorite tournament of the year, even better than the drunk fest they have in Phoenix every year around the Super Bowl. I just hope you give me polite applause when you finish reading the blog, and that you remember to replace your divots and always make sure to send the love!

No comments: