Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Golden State won the NBA Finals over Cleveland last night. The MVP award went to Golden State’s Andre Iguodala. The good news for LeBron James is that he threw up so many bricks he was made an honorary Mason.

A leaked Encyclical from Pope Francis I says that rich nations are "looting the world." He says they should just be like the Church and get everyone's money eventually through tithing.

A Russian TV reporter was fired for criticizing President Vladimir Putin. Or as criticizing the current President is called in the U.S., the Fox News business model.

The Congressional Budget Office says government debt will reach 107% of the economy by 2040. The worst part is that if it weren't for government and personal debt we wouldn't even have an economy.

The federal government claims it stops more than 100 Million cyber attacks a year. And that's just from GOP operatives trying to break into Hillary Clinton's private e-mail server.

A poll says that teenagers are losing faith in the American dream. Although it is a lot easier to reach now that teenagers have changed the American dream to be able to sit on the couch all day playing video games.

A poll says that teenagers are losing faith in the American dream, although they do have more faith in social mobility. Meaning it's easier to move up while just sitting still and watching everyone around you keep moving down.

The FBI is investigating the St. Louis Cardinals for allegedly hacking into the personal information of players on the Houston Astros. Which makes about as much sense as the New England Patriots had doing Spygate to steal signals from the Oakland Raiders.

A report says 5,000 U.S. households are worth more than $100 Million. The depressing part for most people is that three of those homes are the families from "Honey Boo Boo," "Duck Dynasty" and "The Kardashians."

A townhouse in New York City has the highest list price in city history at $120 Million. Mostly because it includes a rare view of Manhattan that doesn't include a skyscraper with a big "Trump" splashed across it.

A report says that .2% of the world's population controls 41% of the wealth. Which means they are now wealthy enough to be able to concentrate on their lifelong dream, which is to come up with a way to eventually control the other 59%.

Barclays says it wants to use robots to make money transfers. Although most people figure if their money is controlled by automation run by a bank, they would have about as much of a chance of getting it back if they put it into a slot machine.

A report says that 60% of New York City residents speak a language other than English at home. Mostly Bronx, Brooklynese and Long Island.

A Maine man donated a kidney to a woman who put a request on the window of her car. It was the most successful medical case originating from writing on a car other than the man who wrote "Wash Me" on his Buick and ended up with a sponge bath.

A Florida county is proposing citations for possession of pot instead of arrests. Apparently law enforcement officials got the idea ever since Florida declared it legal to shoot random strangers on the street.

A study says that Twitter users who stay up all night are providing insight into sleep disorders. Mostly because they never had a sleep disorder before the creation of Twitter.

A report says that government computers were hacked because they were too old to be encrypted. Apparently they didn't want to get new computers because they finally got them all secured for Y2K.

The St. Louis Cardinals are being investigated for hacking into the personal files of players on the Houston Astros. It is the worst case of hacking in sports since Tiger Woods shot 85 at the Memorial.

A report says Al Queda's second in command was killed in a U.S. airstrike. That has to be the worst job in the world. Isn't that the 37th time we have said we have killed Al Queda's number two man?

A poll says that one in ten millionaires say they are living paycheck to paycheck. Apparently it's tough to make ends meet when trying to keep up with payments on two mortgages, a vacation home, three cars and those monthly shopping trips to Paris.

A poll says that one in ten millionaires say they are living paycheck to paycheck. The other nine are rich enough to have to ask "What's a paycheck?"

A survey says that only some workers are getting bigger pay raises even though the economy is improving. Those people are called the CEO and the other top executives.

The FDA has ordered food manufacturers to stop using trans fats within the next three years, saying they are “not generally recognized as safe.” Mostly because the people who eat them become so unhealthy and fat they are not generally recognized at all.

The FDA has ordered food manufacturers to stop using trans fats within the next three years. The fats are linked to weight gain, heart disease and memory loss. Which works out well since people don’t get depressed since they can’t remember how thin and healthy they were before they started eating them.

United Airlines says it will stop flying to JFK in October as they switch over to Newark. They are giving the advance notice so they still have time to complete the flights they scheduled that were supposed to land at JFK last October.

United Airlines says it will stop flying to JFK in October as they switch over to Newark. Mostly so when their passengers get a whiff of Newark they will think by comparison the rest of the flight wasn’t that bad.

Toyota has added another 1.4 Million vehicles to its Takata airbag recall, putting the total for all manufacturers up to 33.8 Million. The real danger is how many accidents could be caused from the traffic of 33.8 Million vehicles coming in for a recall all at the same time.

The rights to New York license plates that read “Wall St.” are being sold on eBay for $12,000. It’s just too bad the plates weren’t stamped out in prison by the Wall Street executives who were actually responsible creating the economic crash in 2008.

The rights to New York license plates that read “Wall St.” are being sold on eBay for $12,000. The plates should be bought by the city and placed on the bus that hauls around the people who thanks to Wall Street executives don’t have enough money to afford a car.

Nintendo’s Mario video game character is turning 30 years old. Which is significant as because of Mario most people 30 and under haven’t gotten off the couch or been outside for more than a few minutes at a time for their entire life.

Goldman Sachs says it is planning to start a consumer lending unit to make loans to individuals and small businesses. The company feels why should they stop at just bankrupting large businesses, states and entire countries?

Tesla says it wants 1 Million of their electric cars on the road by 2020. To which Chrysler says it would like to just see any of their cars on the road in 2020 that they make before 2018.

A poll says that most Americans feel drug prices are too high and that pharmaceutical companies are to blame. Mostly because the drug manufacturers know if they keep the prices high enough, people will need more drugs when they get depressed after opening their pharmacy bill.

Researchers say that chocolate may be good for people’s hearts. Although chocolate can still prove to be bad for a person’s overall health, especially for men when their wife catches them raiding their chocolate stash.

Google now has a feature that shows the amount of calories in specific foods. Which wouldn’t be necessary to know if people would burn off some of those calories by getting off their chair and not searching on Google all day.

A study says that showing people pictures of their own clogged arteries can convince some heart disease patients to adopt a healthier lifestyle. Although you would think it would be enough to make them change once they are labeled “heart disease patient.”

A study says that showing people pictures of their own clogged arteries can convince some heart disease patients to adopt a healthier lifestyle. Although if that reasoning worked, putting someone on a scale should be enough to make them start working out.

A study says that in places where medicinal marijuana is legal, there is no increase in pot use by young people. Mostly because it’s not as much fun to use it when you can’t get in trouble for it.

Neil Young says that he did not authorize Donald Trump to use his song “Rockin’ in the Free World” as a campaign theme. Although because Trump is pushing 70 as he runs for President, Young says it would be fine to use “Old Man.”

Neil Young says that he did not authorize Donald Trump to use his song “Rockin’ in the Free World” as a campaign theme. Although after looking at his haircut, Young says it would be OK to use “Like a Hurricane.”

Josh Duggar has gone back to social media after it was revealed he molested children as a teenager. At least it was his first return to social media other than his daily views to check out who is on Myspace.

Donald Trump says Oprah Winfrey would be a great vice presidential candidate. To which Oprah says no thanks, she isn’t ready to take a demotion.

Donald Trump says Oprah Winfrey would be a great vice presidential candidate. To which Oprah says no thanks, she already owns a tropical island for the day she wants to disappear from sight.

Tom Brady reportedly wants to be completely exonerated in Deflategate. He could lose $1.88 Million dollars if his suspension is upheld. Which would prove economists right that people could lose a fortune in this economy because of deflation.

Nevada is creating an “electric highway” with charging stations for electric vehicles. As opposed to the state’s more typical mode of transportation with people ending their trip to Las Vegas by getting a ride back home using their thumb.

GM is using old Chevy Volt batteries to power one of their buildings. The only problem is that as soon as they hooked it up, the building inspector came by and issued a recall.

President Obama says that Healthcare.gov was a “well documented disaster.” At least for anyone who has watched Fox News for more than ten minutes over the past five years.

President Obama says that Healthcare.gov was a “well documented disaster” but that it helped the government better understand how to handle technology. But if people ever really learned from their mistakes, why is there more than one Adam Sandler movie?

The scientists involved in the Mars simulation have emerged after being kept in isolation for eight months. The experiment went well except for the three participants who went crazy because the inflight movie was a continuous loop of “The Lone Ranger.”

The scientists involved in the Mars simulation have emerged after being kept in isolation for eight months. The participants say they were refreshed and excited to be back in society, especially since the experiment lasted through the entire NBA and NHL seasons.

The world’s thinnest light bulb has been made from a sheet of graphene. However, the light still isn’t thin enough to cast a shadow when Nicole Richie walks by.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The NBA Finals are finally over. I didn’t get home until 1:00 in the morning because our late news was pushed back by the game, the trophy presentation and the live coverage of the Cleveland team physicians performing the Heimlich maneuver on LeBron James. Although it’s hard to tell if someone is really choking in Cleveland because everyone just assumes it’s the air quality. Now we can get back to the important stuff, mainly the U.S. Open this week. It will be interesting to see if LeBron James’ performance in the clutch will inspire Tiger Woods to actually break 80. I am personally an expert in identifying when people are choking, just because it’s pretty much the same reaction I see when people read my jokes. To keep the air flowing smoothly for me, all you have to do is remember once in awhile to keep sending the love!

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