Sunday, June 14, 2015

Greetings, Oh faithful Readers!

Scientists say they have successfully grown a human breast in a lab. Not for any medical research, just so lab workers could actually see what one looks like.

Gas prices went up 17% in May, the largest increase since 2009. Apparently the price jump had something to do with the arrival of summer and oil company executives needing a little extra money for a new vacation beach house.

Katie Couric has reportedly signed on to stay at Yahoo. Her contract includes incentives that could put her pay up to $10 Million a year. That means instead of being on top of breaking news faster than the other network anchors, she needs to figure out how to get more clicks than Courtney Stodden, Psy and Grumpy Cat.

The State Department says ISIS is winning the social media war. Apparently they are attracting new recruits with selfies of jihadist besties, videos of cats dressed in burkas and the latest Pinterest recipes for Molotov cocktails.

A Japanese court has ruled that adultery is acceptable if it is conducted for business purposes. Adultery has been big business in America for years, and to prove it just ask any divorce lawyer.

A study says that gun murders fell sharply in Connecticut after the state passed laws restraining gun sales. The law didn’t actually stop people from shooting each other, it’s just that after it was passed they all moved down to Texas.

Recent trips to the UK, Mexico and Canada by New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has cost state taxpayers $124,000. Although they know he must be serious about using the trips for political purposes as none of those countries have a world’s top ten rated buffet restaurant.

“Jurassic World” is reportedly on track for a $200 Million opening weekend. The movie’s main draw is that it claims to feature more dinosaurs than “The Expendables.”

A poll says that most Americans say lower gasoline prices make a difference in their finances. For one thing they can now actually fill up the tank and still have enough money left over to not worry about the car being repossessed.

A study says a mobile app can help some heart attack victims. Especially the ones who go into cardiac arrest when they get their monthly cellphone bill.

A report from the World Health Organization says 400 Million people around the world still lack access to basic health care service. But those are just the people who are still trying to navigate through the Obamacare website.

An Italian surgeon who says he will be able to successfully transplant a human head is asking for support. Most Americans say they are on board as long as the first one puts a head with decent hair and half a brain on the shoulders of Donald Trump.

A study says that marriage benefits the health of men more than women. At least until their wife sees who they are sending messages to on Facebook.

San Francisco General Hospital says it will no longer serve sodas to patients or visitors. Which is kind of a slap in the face to the soft drink manufacturers whose products give the hospital about 90% of their business in the first place.

A study says there is no evidence that adjustable desks improve the health of office workers. Although most employees don’t want them for health purposes, they just need a desk that can be made to expand along with the size of their waistline.

Monica Lewis, the voice of Chiquita Banana has died at age 93. She was originally hired because the banana company sponsors thought her voice had a peel.

John Stamos was arrested for DUI in Beverly Hills. Which means he was taken right from “Full House” and ended up in the Big House.

Caitlyn Jenner says she wouldn’t trade her marriage to Kris Jenner “for anything.” Mostly because that Vanity Fair cover shoot would never have happened without the Kardashian girls around to help tighten up some of that stubborn cellulite.

Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl broke his leg falling off the stage during a concert. Which was immediately condemned by Bono and the Edge from U2 who say he is stealing their act.

Miss Zimbabwe had her title taken away after it was discovered she had posed for some nude photos. In other words she was stripped twice.

LeBron James’ barber says the basketball star’s hairline has not been enhanced. People were skeptical. Why would LeBron James get his hair done by someone who just calls himself a “barber”?

New smart glasses tell the wearer when they need to take a nap. The first sign that someone is tired and not focused is when they fork over $300 for a pair of glasses that tells them they are drowsy.

Amazon has released a report of the number of government data requests it has received. Which is of interest to anyone who wants to know just how many people are going online to buy a bunch of cheap crap.

The White House says it is considering sanctions against hackers who gained access to the files of millions of federal workers. The only question is how do you impose sanctions on hackers, threaten to take away their couch?

The White House says it is considering sanctions against hackers who gained access to the files of millions of federal workers. Although they say they might be lenient if the hackers disclose if their snooping allowed them to find out what any of those government workers actually do all day.

A new surf watch uses an app for weather, surf and tidal data. It also has an alarm specially designed for surfers that cannot be programmed to go off before noon.

A new surf watch uses an app for weather, surf and tidal data. Which the surfer can then set to translate if that means the waves are tasty, pumpin’ or crankin’.

A study says the main reason people choose a bank is for access to ATMs. Just in case one day they ever actually put enough money in their account to where they can withdraw the minimum $20.

A Colt .45 pistol once owned by General George S. Patton was auctioned for $75,000. It will be the most expensive colt ever sold other than the ones that involve a stud fee for American Pharoah.

Facebook says it will update news feeds based on the amount of time people spend reading stories. If the TV networks did that, the lead story every night would be a tossup between a cat video, pictures of restaurant meals and selfies of the Kardashians.

Lumosity is offering an app that features brain teasers to improve people’s focus. Apparently it works by getting people to use their cellphones for something other than watching cat videos all day.

Lumosity is offering an app that features brain teasers to improve people’s focus. The first sign that people are losing focus is when they realize they just got conned into spending $12 for a Lumosity app.

A study says that chimps in the wild get drunk by drinking fermented palm sap. Apparently it all started after they visited Bubbles when he lived at Neverland Ranch and he got them hooked on some of Michael Jackson’s Jesus Juice.

A 15 year old student in England is being given credit for discovering a planet 1,000 light years away which is being called WASP-142b. Apparently the “WASP” name comes from the possibility that one day the planet could become a vacation ground for the families of wealthy Harvard grads.

A study says that Americans use an average of 26.7 smartphone apps a month. Mostly because using a different app nearly every day decreases the chances of ever having to watch the same batch of cat videos twice.

A study says that Americans use an average of 26.7 smartphone apps a month. Mostly so people don’t miss out on seeing what their friends ate for breakfast whether they post all their meals on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram.

Jeb Bush returned from his trip to Europe saying “I love Estonia.” Mostly because they are the only country still actually enrolled in his brother’s Coalition of the Willing.

The CIA has declassified a report of the intelligence agency’s shortcomings that led to the attacks on 9/11. Which have pretty much already been documented as the attacks on 9/11.

The CIA has declassified a report of the intelligence agency’s shortcomings that led to the attacks on 9/11. The report says that agents did not perform their jobs satisfactorily. Which is good news in that the agency knows its agents are already to be reassigned with no further training to the Secret Service.

A no-fly zone was ordered for Hillary Clinton’s campaign kickoff rally in New York City over the weekend. A similar order was not necessary for Ted Cruz since his campaign just can’t seem to get off the ground.

Bill Clinton says he trusts Hillary with his life. He knows that if she really wanted to hit him with any of those pieces of White House China he wouldn’t be here today.

A poll says that fewer Americans view the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan as mistakes. Mostly because they look better than ever when compared with what we’re doing about the economy, energy and immigration.

A poll says that fewer Americans view the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan as mistakes. Mostly because that also includes people who don’t consider the wars so much mistakes as disasters, catastrophes and fiascos.

Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe, speaking about the Pope’s comments on global warming told him “to stay with his job and we’ll stay with ours.” Which people wonder exactly what that job is considering Congress has put us $17 Trillion in debt with record unemployment and two wars that won’t end.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just got back from a meteorology conference in Raleigh, North Carolina. If you have never been to a convention full of meteorologists, you haven’t lived. Those people are crazy. Someone sent half the attendees back to their hotel rooms in a panic by posting an official looking sign that read “No Bow ties allowed.” Out of control. What a bunch of party animals. Anyway, I have decompressed from all those wild times and will be back on my regular schedule of writing dozens of hilarious jokes. Meaning thousands of jokes a year, dozens of which are hilarious. It’s good to be back and I hope you let me know how much you missed my full load (and I do mean load) of humor by remembering to get right on your keyboard to start sending the love!

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