Friday, June 12, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The DHS is starting to videotape airport passengers to try to be able to predict future criminal acts. Although it’s hard to tell which ones will commit a crime, they will all pretty much become victims once they are forced to pay all their extra airline fees.

Rupert Murdoch will reportedly be stepping down as CEO of 21st Century Fox. Not to say he is getting a bit old, but when he took over it was still 19th Century Fox.

A massive rally is being held this weekend in South Carolina for six hours to “pray and fast” for America. Mostly because any time anyone from South Carolina goes six hours without eating it officially becomes designated as a fast.

Doctors are warning that drinking too much water can be deadly. Especially if it is mixed in with sugar and food coloring and comes in a can labeled “Coke.”

Tennessee country singer Randy Howard was killed in a gunfight with a bounty hunter. The only good news is that he ended his life like the last verse in a country song.

Paleontologists are slamming “Jurassic World” for its inaccuracies. Apparently they feel it went a bit over the top when it got to the part where the T-Rex and velociraptor were involved in the high speed car chase.

A Philadelphia woman who gave illegal butt injections was sentenced to 10-20 years in prison. Not because her injections killed another woman, but for copyright violation as the size butt she was giving women had been trademarked by Kim Kardashian.

An “intelligent bikini” tells the wearer when they have had too much sun. What they really need is a bathing suit that tells the wearer that they probably need to lose a few pounds before wearing it out in public.

Wearable technology is now able to tell people when they need to pee. Apparently it lets them know by getting their smartphone to start playing Cat Stevens’ “I Can’t Keep It In.”

New Range Rovers will be able to detect potholes and report them to authorities. Apparently they are able to detect them when the Mini Cooper in front of them suddenly disappears from sight.

A new line of BMW cars will come equipped with hand gesture controls. Which is the first time hand gestures have been associated with BMWs other than when people give the finger when they are cut off by someone driving a 320i.

Zimbabweans will receive five American dollars in exchange for 170 quadrillion local dollars following their own currency’s hyperinflation. Apparently the country opted to convert to U.S. dollars since ours is the closest in value because the way things are going, our national debt will be up to $170 quadrillion in another three years.

A report says the U.S. is spending $9 Million a day fighting ISIS. And that is just to pay Middle East experts to figure out on each day whether they are still called ISIS or are now ISIL or IS.

Women in Oregon will be the first in the nation to get a full year’s birth control with one prescription. Although for years Oregon women know the best form of birth control is to wear a help top with tie dyed pants and a pair of Birkenstocks.

Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina says it is time to redefine feminism to be any woman living her life as she chooses. Which to Republicans means she can be anything she wants as long as dinner is on the table by 6:00.

A report says that Disneyland generates $5.7 Billion in economic activity every year. And that is just at the theme park stands that sell churros and souvenirs.

The IRS has announced new steps to catch criminals who use stolen information to file fraudulent returns. As opposed to the usual criminals who every year file fraudulent returns with their own information.

A report says Americans’ net worth has reached a new high of $84.9 Trillion. The bad news is that we still owe our creditors a total of $275 Trillion.

China says it wants to clean up space junk that is circling the Earth. They can start with the satellite that relays the signal to broadcast “The Kardashians.”

China says it wants to clean up space junk that is circling the Earth. Apparently they need more room for additional satellites they can use to let their hackers get online to steal more of our personal information.

McDonald’s and Pizza Hut have announced new menu items. The main ingredients for both are expected to be the usual fat, sugar salt and some kind of wrapper.

A survey of business managers says the biggest time wasters for workers is using the cellphone and texting. As opposed to the biggest time waster for managers which is spying on their employees to see what they are doing and taking worthless surveys.

A report says that synthetic pot has killed 15 people so far this year. Not from smoking chemically produced weed but from getting the munchies for fake food made out of plastic.

A study says that U.S. kids aren’t drinking enough water. To which most American kids who were taking the survey said “What’s water?”

A study says that sleeping pill use may double the risk of car crashes. Mostly because they make people too drowsy to still be able to text while they are driving.

A study says that sleeping pill use may double the risk of car crashes. In fact, they are the biggest cause for people falling asleep behind the wheel other than having Kenny G in the CD player.

A study says that eating nuts and peanuts every day could lower the risk of death. Except for people who get their daily serving of nuts by ordering a Dairy Queen Peanut Buster Parfait.

A survey says that fewer than half the men in the U.S. who suffer depression and anxiety get treatment. Mostly because they would be even more depressed and anxious after getting the monthly bill from their therapist.

LeBron James cut his head during Game 3 of the NBA Finals when he fell into the crowd and hit his head on a camera. Which explains why he just can’t seem to get focused.

Notre Dame football coach Brian Kelly says all of his team’s players are at risk academically. Which is true for just about every college team whose coaches know if their players wanted to compete with other students in the classroom, they would have enrolled at UNLV.

Twitter says it will increase its 140 character limit to 10,000 for personal messages. If people wanted to send 10,000 character messages to each other they would just go over to Facebook.

An airport in Stockholm has installed a weather simulator that lets travelers sample the weather where they are going before they arrive. The only problem is before they get there they still have to adjust to the plane thermostat which is set to 20 below zero.

An airport in Stockholm has installed a weather simulator that lets travelers sample the weather where they are going before they arrive. As opposed to people flying in to Stockholm who are prepared for year round snow and temperatures below freezing.

Several personal letters written by Albert Einstein sold at an auction for $420,000. Apparently the collection included his theories that he mailed to all his relatives.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am wrapping up my trip to Raleigh today so the jokes will be back in full force on Monday. That gives you an entire weekend to prepare for the next onslaught. You have been warned! In the meantime, you can always make my trip back home more pleasant when I arrive to find you have all remembered to send the love!

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