Thursday, June 11, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Walgreens and insurers are pushing virtual doctor’s exams. The worst part is when the online doctor tells you to put on a latex glove and drop your pants.

Walgreens and insurers are pushing virtual doctor’s exams. The good news is that instead of sitting in the reception area for hours, patients waiting for the doctor get to watch a series of cat videos.

A Florida woman was arrested for assaulting her boyfriend with a hamburger. Although if she really wanted to hurt him she should have just let him eat it.

California Governor Jerry Brown says he is worried the state will eventually have too many people for the water supply to support. Just like the state has already seen with jobs, schools and affordable housing.

A new hydration bottle glows to let people know when they need to take a drink. How lazy have we gotten that we can’t even decide for ourselves that we are thirsty?

A shark that was being transported from Florida to Coney Island was killed in a traffic accident. It was the first time that personal injury lawyers were beaten to the scene by one of their own.

A shark that was being transported from Florida to Coney Island was killed in a traffic accident. Police are just trying to figure out why the shark was traveling without a seat belt.

A report says that Disney could lose $140 Million on the film “Tomorrowland.” It’s the one time people can actually say they have been to Tomorrowland without having to wait three hours in line.

A report says that Disney could lose $140 Million on the film “Tomorrowland.” Or as Adam Sandler calls that, a pretty good opening weekend.

A study says that one third of the world’s population had more than five health problems last year. No one had any idea that Taco Bell had come up with a fifth meal.

A report says that airlines are struggling to please their passengers. Which is erroneous just in the fact that the term “struggling” means they are actually trying.

A report says that airlines are struggling to please their passengers. Maybe they could start with the idea that all travelers want from a flight is to get on, get there and get off.

Delta Airlines has introduced anti-paparazzi service for celebrities at LAX. Which is a great idea for the one time anyone who is rich or famous actually books a flight with Delta.

The U.S. has ousted Russia as the world’s top oil and gas producer. Which means it’s a good thing George W. Bush still isn’t President or we would be getting ready to invade ourselves.

Miley Cyrus says she doesn’t relate to being a boy or a girl. To which Justin Bieber is saying “You too?”

Adult website Pornhub says it is planning to shoot a porn movie in space. Apparently they are mainly doing it to revive the career of some of their older porn stars who have seen their careers set back by the effects of gravity.

A Minnesota company is suing spice maker McCormick, saying they are misleading consumers about the amount of pepper in their tins. Lawyers say the action may seem trivial but is nothing to sneeze at.

The Guatemalan Supreme Court has approved a process that could lead to impeachment of their President. To which most Americans say they had no idea that Monica Lewinsky had moved to Central America.

A survey says that people think if Jurassic Park was real, it would be packed. In fact, it would be the theme park that has the most dinosaurs other than Knott’s Berry Farm.

A report says the California oil spill cleanup has cost $62 Million so far. Which means the oil company responsible for the disaster could lose up to three hours of profits.

Nike will take over the rights to outfit NBA players from Adidas starting in 2017. The companies lose money in supplying the team uniforms but make it back by selling team apparel to all the children of the players.

A federal judge says that Wal-Mart violated state minimum wage laws in California. Mostly because the minimum wage it takes to pay for even the basic necessities in California is $450,000 a year.

Richard Branson’s Virgin Group will start giving paid 12 month leave to new dads. That will allow them to have an entire year to spend doing what fathers do to help raise their child in the critical first few months. Watch TV and drink beer.

Emoji, the emoji only social network is shutting down. Sad face.

Pandora says it will start using eight second promotional videos on its website. Mostly because thanks to the Internet, that is what is left of the average person’s attention span.

Krispy Kreme profits went up 10% in the second quarter. Which is still only half of the increase in their customers’ waist size.

A study says that most Americans are pessimistic about their chances of staying in the middle class. Mostly because the rest are still hoping some day to make it back up to the middle class.

A report says that whiskey sales have gone up 34% in the past six years. Mostly because that is exactly the same amount their 401(k) account has gone down in the same amount of time.

A study says that talk therapy can help people sleep better. Which is no surprise to anyone who has ever had more than a five minute conversation with a therapist.

A study says that older adults need a protein-rich diet to maintain their muscle mass. The first sign you need more protein like in peanut butter is when you need to have someone else help with taking off the top to the jar of Skippy’s.

A study says that one in ten Americans vape, with the majority of those people also smoking cigarettes. Which most of them use to keep from going into a complete rage when the drug store runs out of Nicorette gum and nicotine patches.

The Arkansas Department of Human Services is reportedly investigating the Duggar family. You know things have gotten out of hand with your family’s behavior when even the State of Arkansas says there might be a problem.

Bob Costas says ESPN’s decision to give Caitlyn Jenner an award for courage is “crass exploitation.” If Costas is upset with Jenner being part of an exploitation, it means he has never actually watched an episode of “The Kardashians.”

Comedian Artie Lange says that political correctness is the “direct enemy” of comedy. The only thing that gives comedy a worse name is trying to make people pay to listen to Artie Lange.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Not as many jokes today as I am at a meteorology conference in Raleigh. I need to go to the conference because if you think my jokes are bad, you should try one of my forecasts. Consider the lower output of humor my gift to you in saving you from wasting even more time out of your day. You can pay me back as usual by remember to send the love!

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