Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Apple has added a feature to its iPhone that tracks the user's sexual activity. Apparently it is based on the number of times the phone is used to log into Match.com.

Apple has added a feature to its iPhone that tracks the user's sexual activity. It works off the idea that the more active the sex life of the user, the fewer times they try to hit on Siri.

Researchers say that Wi-Fi can be used to count the number of people in crowds by scanning through Wi-Fi activity, and can even count those who don't have Wi-Fi devices. Which is easy to do since anyone not actively using a Wi-Fi device is assumed to be over 80 or dead.

HSBC says it is going to cut 50,000 jobs to cut costs. The only problem is that most of their customers can't use an ATM since their account has less than the minimum withdrawal amount of $20.

Police in California are looking for a woman who pepper sprayed a Del Taco worker after an argument over a burrito. Although police say if she really wanted to hurt the employee she would have hit him with the burrito.

A New York Times article says that Marco Rubio has been struggling with debt for years. To which supporters are saying who better to move into the White House and take over an operation that is $17 Trillion in the red?

The nation's first resort for pot smokers has opened in Colorado. It's the one that features horseback riding, hiking trails and pristine lakes which can all be enjoyed by guests with a panoramic view that takes it all in from their living room couch.

The new Cinnamon Roll Frappuccino from Starbucks contains 102 grams of sugar. The drink contains white mocha syrup along with cinnamon powder and comes with a shot glass chaser of insulin.

McDonald's has hired former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs as a spokesman. Which is only fitting for them to hire someone from the White House where the economic policies have caused millions of other college graduates to wind up working at a fast food chain.

McDonald's has hired former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs as a spokesman. Apparently they felt that someone who has spent all that time working with the White House and Congress would be better qualified than anyone to work for a clown.

The White House Press Room was evacuated Tuesday after a bomb threat. Which anyone who has ever sat through a White House press briefing will tell you, everyone in the room was secretly disappointed when it didn't actually detonate.

An airline association is recommending smaller carry on bags that passengers can bring on planes. Mostly in response to fliers trying to save money on luggage fees by trying to stuff full sized steamer trunks into the overhead bins.

A report says it is becoming more acceptable for people to cry at work. Mostly because it is something that pretty much just happens anymore on every payday.

Ann Coulter is accusing Carlos Slim of bailing out the New York Times so they would write favorable stories about immigration so he could make more money when undocumented workers call home through his phone service. The accusation would make slightly more sense if she also figured out a way to throw in the blame for creating the Ebola virus outbreak.

A report says there are more job openings in the U.S. now than in the past 15 years. Apparently companies are waiting for Congress to do something about immigration reform so there are enough undocumented aliens coming into the country that they can hire.

A report says there are more job openings in the U.S. now than in the past 15 years. The bad news is that they are the same ones that millions of Americans are still waiting to get back that they lost in 2000.

A study says that people are more likely to tweet about loving their job than hating it. Not that so many more people love their job, they just like the idea of keeping it.

A study says that people who tweet they hate their job usually work in low paying retail or fast food restaurants. Ironically, those people would probably have a chance at getting a better job if they got off Twitter and actually did some work.

A report says that more people are falling behind on home equity loans. People were surprised. After the housing crisis, who actually has any equity in their home to borrow on?

A report says that more people are falling behind on home equity loans. The sad part is that they are taking out home equity loans to pay off all their foreclosure fees from their previous home.

A lightbulb manufacturing company says it will start putting warning labels that electric lighting may be harmful to people's health. Especially for men when their wife turns on the light and catches them sneaking into the bedroom at 3:00 in the morning.

A study says that one in four U.S. kids 2-17 years old have either been victims or witnesses to violence by weapons. The bad part is that the other three were the ones who were using the weapons.

A study says the best way to get a good night’s sleep is to adjust your attitude to eliminate stress. Which is easy to do once you figure out how to convince yourself you don’t have a job, kids or any bills that need to be paid.

New York City may become the first city to post high sodium warnings on menus in chain restaurants. However, customers say they would rather be alerted that they are going into an establishment where waiters sing “Happy Birthday” to their customers every three minutes.

A study says the widespread use of a vaccine against a germ that causes gastrointestinal infections in young children has been a success. That and making sure they don’t go along on any vacations on a cruise ship.

A study hints at why obesity may run in families. Mostly because when dad pulls into the drive-thru at McDonald’s, he isn’t going to make an extra stop at the Whole Foods store on the way home.

A study says having a stroke ages the brain by eight years. Which is good news for people who had a stroke back in 2000 who missed out on the entire George W. Bush Administration.

A study says that humans and dogs are in sync when it comes to stress. Which is hard to believe in that the only time a dog experiences stress is when they wonder how many times their 18 hours of sleep will be interrupted to chase a squirrel, bark at the mailman or beg for table scraps.

A study says that eating less at night may help people with insomnia sleep better. For one thing, that will leave them another two hours to use to catch up on their sleep instead of constantly raiding the refrigerator.

SC Johnson has disclosed the ingredients in its fragrances, including Hawaiian Breeze. No one had any idea that tropical aroma of the island state came from the natural occurrence of Allyl Caproate, Benzyl Salicytate and Ethyl 2.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt flew coach along with their six children on a trip from Paris to Nice. Mostly because they knew they wouldn’t have to deal with them as airline seating would guarantee they wouldn’t be sitting anywhere near any of them.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt flew coach along with their six children on a trip from Paris to Nice. Which doesn’t sound like that much of a sacrifice when you figure most other people are packing up all the kids in a Kia Rio and driving from Omaha to Branson.

Charlie Sheen was reportedly treated for a case of severe food poisoning. Apparently someone accidentally served him some organic food which didn’t react well with all the other chemicals floating around in his system.

Model Valeria Lukyanova says she finds it degrading when people call her the “Human Barbie.” Mostly because supermodels hate to have themselves described with such a generic term as “human.”

Kris Jenner reportedly cut off her daughter Kylie financially at age 14. Which explains why she never had enough money to go and get herself some acting lessons.

Kris Jenner reportedly cut off her daughter Kylie financially at age 14. Apparently she felt that she had prepared her daughter to make it on her own with the skills to pout in front of the camera and post an endless series of selfies online.

Joe Montana says he would have considered deflating footballs if the thought had crossed his mind. Or if he had ever decided to throw a pass that went more than five yards in the air.

NBC Sports Chairman Mark Lazarus says he wants NHL players to stop growing playoff beards. The players insist on doing it because they know it’s the only time anyone is actually watching and the beards hide the fact they only have three teeth.

The NBA admits that referees blew four calls in Game 2 of the NBA Finals. The most embarrassing one was when one of the refs called LeBron James for icing the puck.

A company is making virtual reality zoos and aquariums that have become popular in China. Next on the agenda a virtual reality animal shelter as all the dogs at the real ones for some reason keep getting adopted by restaurant owners.

A study says only 8% of workers in the U.S. get “summer Fridays” which are bonus days of vacation. The only time employees get off work early Friday anymore is so they can make sure to get enough sleep to be able to come into the office for the entire weekend.

Archaeologists in Ethiopia say they have found the 2,000 year old grave of a real life Sleeping Beauty who was buried gazing into a mirror. Which means that in another 20 centuries scientists will dig up our society and find the remains of people spending eternity staring into their iPhone.

A new smart oven by June sells for $1,500 and can identify the food inside. It’s called a smart oven because it isn’t as dumb as the person who needs an appliance to tell it what they are actually cooking.

Intel is launching a $125 Million investment fund for minority and women led startups in Silicon Valley. The first $120 Million will be used to actually find any women or minorities who are living in Silicon Valley.

North Korea has reportedly threatened the U.S. with a cyber attack. The word is that the attack will happen as soon as the phone operator can make a connection to the main AOL dialup number.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from the legal world. Although it is very rare for anyone to mourn the passing of a lawyer, one of the few really great ones has died. Vincent Bugliosi, who put Charles Manson away for life has passed away at age 80. He prosecuted and also defended murder suspects in more than 100 trials and never lost. He also became a successful author and TV analyst. He was always interesting to listen to about ongoing trials, including bashing the prosecution for their failures in the O.J. Simpson trials. He seemed to really be about the law and will be missed for that. I am heading to a weather conference in Raleigh for the next few days, but will continue dishing out the lame attempts at humor. I hope you appreciate me thinking about you even when I am away from home, and I hope you will reciprocate by making sure to remember to send the love!
 

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