Tuesday, June 02, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Kim Kardashian is reportedly pregnant with her second child. Apparently she is upset with her step father Bruce Jenner because if it is a girl she wanted to name it Caitlyn which is the name he is now using.

Bruce Jenner is being featured on the cover of Vanity Fair magazine, introducing himself as “Caitlyn.” The family is just glad he didn’t go with his original pick for a magazine to come out in, Juggs.

A study says some prescription drugs including anti-anxiety medications can be linked to homicidal behavior. Which means the person who is taking anti-anxiety medications is now going to be less anxious than everyone else in the house.

Enrique Iglesias was injured at a concert when he tried to catch a drone taking pictures. Apparently it was part of a military training exercise to see if a drone strike could be successfully used to take out Justin Bieber.

Enrique Iglesias was injured at a concert when he tried to catch a drone taking pictures. It was the first time the words “drone” and “concert” were used together since the last tour by Madonna.

KFC is suing some companies in China for starting false rumors about their food on social media accounts, including that their chickens have eight legs. To which KFC is saying their genetic labs have only come up so far with chickens that have five legs.

KFC is suing some companies in China for starting false rumors about their food on social media accounts, including that their chickens have eight legs. You know you need to start looking at what you are serving when China is criticizing your food quality.

President Obama’s top aide Dan Pfeiffer is leaving the White House to join CNN. Apparently he wanted to disappear from public life and figured CNN was a lot easier than going to a deserted south Pacific Island or entering the Witness Protection Program.

TSA agents failed 67 of 70 tests to detect weapons and explosives at airports. Mostly because they were more concerned about keeping their perfect record of not letting even one bottle with three or more ounces of shampoo, juice or any liquid getting past while they were on duty.

TSA agents failed 67 of 70 tests to detect weapons and explosives at airports. Although in the agents’ defense, not one piece of contraband would have made it through if it had been hidden in someone’s shoes, bra or underwear.

A marijuana church in Indiana was given tax exempt status by the IRS. Mostly because the IRS knows there wasn’t a chance of collecting any money since all the profits would wind up being spent on Oreos, Doritos and Little Caesar’s.

China has unveiled the world’s first face recognition ATM. The hardest part was getting the software to recognize faces that were twisted into a frown when the customers see their account is overdrawn.

A small robot has been developed that can self-destruct on command. All they needed to do was develop an operating system that was powered by Windows.

An American woman was killed by a lion that jumped into her car at a wildlife park in South Africa. The sad part is all she wanted to do was put a tiger in her tank.

A Muslim woman is accusing a United Airlines flight crew of discrimination because they wouldn’t serve her an unopened can of soda. Apparently the woman would not be so harsh if she had ever flown United before and seen they treat everyone, no matter what race or religion with the same level of hostility.

A Muslim woman is accusing a United Airlines flight crew of discrimination because they wouldn’t serve her an unopened can of soda. If she thought that was rude, she should try the reaction you get when you ask for a free, inflight meal.

A Michigan teenager impersonated an FBI agent to be able to test drive a car which he crashed. He could have gotten away with it if he had not raised any suspicion with his actions if he just said he was with the Secret Service.

Sweden is moving to give dads a third month of paid paternity leave instead of the current two months. Which would never go over in America as dads here would then feel obligated to actually help change a diaper or two.

Sweden is moving to give dads a third month of paid paternity leave instead of the current two months. If that works out, it could force American businesses to give new moms more than the afternoon off to give birth.

Officials at the Central Bank of Nigeria have been arrested as part of a $40 Million scam. To which 50 Nigerian princes all laughed and said “Amateurs!”

IHOP is sporting a new logo for the first time in more than twenty years. The new look displays a smile, which some critics say is just too syrupy.

IHOP is sporting a new logo for the first time in more than twenty years. Although at first glance it just looks like a rehash.

Several airlines are trying to save time by speeding up the boarding process. Apparently they are demanding all the passengers’ cash up front to cut back on the time it takes to get it all inflight with all their fees.

Caitlyn Jenner will receive an “ESPY” award for courage. Not for coming out as a transsexual, but for being in the same family all those years with both the Kardashians and Kanye West.

The UAB football program will be reinstated after dropping it only six months ago. Apparently the feeling was that even the football team couldn’t fumble it as badly or as often as the school’s administration.

The UAB football program will be reinstated after dropping it only six months ago. Apparently they found out that students didn’t mind going into debt for thirty years as long as it was for an experience that included getting passed out drunk inside a stadium with 50,000 other people every Saturday.

Two congressmen say the FBI wants to make smartphones less safe. Although it has been proven that a smartphone is never more dangerous than when it is placed in the hands of Naomi Campbell.

A report says that the average American spends $91 a day. Which is good news for the economy other than the fact they are earning $42 a day.

Caitlyn Jenner broke President Obama’s record for reaching a Million Twitter followers the fastest, at just over four hours. It was amazing to see how someone could go and get two new boobs and immediately turn it into a million more that fast.

A report says the average size of homes in the U.S. increased for the fifth straight year. Especially since all the Duggar children are not wanting to share a bedroom anymore with Uncle Josh.

A report says the average size of homes in the U.S. increased for the fifth straight year. Apparently Americans can afford larger homes, are planning for bigger families and are tired of being so fat that they have to walk through their current homes sideways.

A report says that Millennials prefer getting their political news off social media over TV. Which is probably why the frontrunner for the next presidential election in polls of 18-34 year olds is now Grumpy Cat.

A report says a U.S. cyber attack against North Korea failed because they basically have no Internet. Apparently Kim Jong-un is preventing the people from having the Internet because it’s bad enough everyone else in the world uses social media to make fun of his haircut.

A California woman who was recycling her late husband’s electronic items included a rare Apple 1 computer that was worth $200,000. Apparently she wanted to get rid of it because it was in the way of that ugly Picasso painting and ratty old Gutenberg Bible she wanted to unload at Goodwill.

A study says that cinnamon may protect people against infections. Which is ironic, especially for people who are sick from being so obese after spending all their time in the neighborhood Cinnabon.

A drug for female sex drive is set to be considered for approval by the FDA. If that doesn’t happen, men will have to go back to the traditional drug to enhance a woman’s desire for sex. Alcohol.

A study says that poor sleep may contribute to the chances of developing Alzheimer’s Disease. Especially for people who are losing sleep from trying to get into bed in the wrong house every night.

A study says that women sleep more but wake up feeling worse than men. Mostly from being awakened all night by the smells and noises coming from the other side of the bed.

A California man set a record by planking for five hours and fifteen minutes. Apparently he decided to quit after that long when be became board.

A California man set a record by planking for five hours and fifteen minutes. He finally had to stop since the bottle of Viagra said he was supposed to call his doctor after being stiff more than four hours.

Beijing’s new smoking ban will name and shame tobacco users on the Internet. Apparently they will be like every other country and keep naming and shaming people for their other behaviors on Facebook.

A 92 year old North Carolina woman became the oldest woman to finish a marathon. Which was especially rewarding considering she started the race when she was 89.

A seismologist has debunked many of the scenes in the movie “San Andreas.” Like the one scene where Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson actually completes a sentence in fewer than five takes.

A seismologist has debunked many of the scenes in the movie “San Andreas.” Apparently the biggest quake ever associated with a movie is the stampede of people trying to leave halfway through an Adam Sandler film.

CBS CEO Les Moonves, who made $65.4 Million last year stiffed a valet at an event because he didn’t have anything smaller than a $100 bill. What’s worse is that his CBS wardrobe allowance didn’t cover the red vest that Bob Schieffer had to buy for his new job.

Shaquille O’Neal says he would take Kobe Bryant in his prime over LeBron James. Mostly because when you are on the court with Kobe, it’s not like anyone else on the team has to be stressed out about what to do if they get their hands on the ball.

Johnny Manziel reportedly threw a water bottle at a fan who was heckling him at the Byron Nelson Classic. Manziel could have escaped suspicion as being the one throwing the bottle if he only could have managed to actually hit him.


LeBron James says he is playing the best of his career. Mostly because he can concentrate better at home games since there is nothing to do afterwards but be in Cleveland.

Adam Scott has rehired Stevie Williams as his caddie. Apparently Stevie will consider working for Tiger Woods again when he goes into semi-retirement and only wants to work two days a week.

Companies are providing mobile help with job hunting for college graduates. For one thing, they can start by actually looking for work instead of sticking their face to the screen of their smartphone all day.

Porn stars in California may be required by the state’s health department to wear goggles on the job. You know you aren’t right for the business when your leading lady has to wear goggles that are ground to magnify the size of smaller objects.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is a special day for me. No, sorry to tell you I am not retiring from joke writing. It is the 35th anniversary of my first day as a broadcaster. June 2, 1980 was the day I started at a radio station in Durango, Colorado. It was a great memory as it was my entry into the field of my choosing, I got to live in a great town and was one of the few jobs I wasn’t fired from. Somehow, more than three decades later that worked into me forecasting the weather in Charleston, West Virginia. Go figure that one out. I have been writing jokes for a shorter length of time, but with about the same career success. Neither one makes for much of a living. But at least I always have all of you readers out there who make it all worthwhile when you remember to send the love!

1 comment:

Jay said...

Congrats on 35 years Jim! I'm just into my 26th year and I feel you're pain. Lol