Sunday, May 31, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Google says it is going to use conductive material to turn clothes into computers. Although the worst part of that is when the wearer realizes that someone has just hacked into their Jockey shorts.

Google says it is going to use conductive material to turn clothes into computers. The worst part of that is when teenage boys realize that not only do girls’ bras have a series of snaps and hooks, they also need to know the password.

Google says it is going to use conductive material to turn clothes into computers. That means when someone says they need to reboot, they will actually be doing it by putting on a new pair of boots.

The man who is accused of shooting at George Zimmerman says he will use the Stand Your Ground defense. Although that strategy might not work since Zimmerman could sue for copyright infringement since he owns the trademark.

Bob Schieffer, who retired from CBS News over the weekend at age 78 says that technology has made it so we don’t know where people get their news. Although by looking at the ratings, we are pretty sure it isn’t from CBS.

Bob Schieffer, who retired from CBS News over the weekend at age 78 says that technology has made it so we don’t know where people get their news. That’s not true. Any time you see a middle aged white man who is angry, it’s a safe bet they are watching Fox News.

Police in New Jersey shot and killed a man inside a library. People were surprised. There is a library in New Jersey?

Police in New Jersey shot and killed a man inside a library. Authorities became concerned when the man exhibited suspicious behavior. Mostly the fact that he walked into a public library.

Scientists have found a way to use light to retrieve lost memories. Which is the second most effective way to dig up forgotten memories other than to ask a man’s wife if she can list the things he has ever done wrong.

Scientists have found a way to use light to retrieve lost memories. The embarrassing part was when the scientists went to demonstrate the technique and they couldn’t remember where they put the light bulbs.

Public pools across the country are banning people from doing exercises where they hold their breath for long periods of time. Except in Arkansas which is the one place where people at public pools have to hold their breath when they are out of the water.

Sepp Blatter was reelected as President of soccer organization FIFA despite a corruption scandal. To which even NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is saying some people just don’t know when it’s time to quit.

The Texas Legislature has approved a law making it legal to openly carry handguns. Apparently they wanted to give equal protection to people who can’t afford or find it restrictive to walk around with assault rifles, machine guns or grenade launchers.

A report says the U.S. and Europe will likely bid on the World Cup for 2026. The only problem will be estimating the changing economy and taking inflation into account that far in advance to determine how much it will cost for bribes for everyone at FIFA.

California could become the first state to legalize lane splitting, where motorcycles can ride between cars in heavy traffic. Mostly to keep motorcyclists off their usual alternate throughways in carpool lanes, shoulders and sidewalks.

President Obama has signed a disaster declaration for Texas. Not so much for the recent flooding as it is a warning for people there who are either immigrants or unarmed.

A woman in Indiana was stabbed in the eye with a fork over taking the last rib at a barbecue. Which gives a whole new meaning to ordering a ribeye.

Lindsay Lohan is off probation for the first time in seven years. Which has everyone asking the question “What was she ever famous for in the first place?”

A poll says that two thirds of Millennials hate the term “Millennials.” Although they still think it is better than the alternative of “lazy, entitled basement dwelling slackers.”

A report says the number of students enrolling in college dropped 1.9% last year. To which the students who did enroll are saying “That’s almost half!”

A report says the number of students enrolling in college dropped 1.9% last year. Which means the other 98.1% are trying to pick a major that gives them the best chance of staying employed until they are 90 to pay off their tuition loans.

A report says that U.S. auto sales are on track to reach 17 Million for the first time since 2001. Mostly because people have no choice because the 1985 Buick they couldn’t afford to replace before has finally been driven into the ground.

A report says that U.S. auto sales are on track to reach 17 Million for the first time since 2001. Apparently people feel they need a backup vehicle to have while all their other new GM, Ford and Chrysler cars are in the shop for the latest recalls.

A study says that people think their homes are worth more than what they actually paid for them. Mostly because they aren’t taking into account the price their home will be sold for in another few months when it goes into foreclosure.

Bank of America has been fined $30 Million for improper debt collection practices. The irony is that the customers got into trouble in the first place by falling for the improper practices of the bank’s loan department.

A new alarm clock wakes people up with different smells. That’s nothing new. Women have had a device that has awakened them with a variety of smells every day for years. It’s called a “husband.”

A lock of Mozart’s hair was auctioned off at a higher price than a sample of hair from Beethoven. Apparently their hair began falling out the first time both composers were exposed to hearing rap music.

A lock of Mozart’s hair was auctioned off at a higher price than a sample of hair from Beethoven. The winning bidders were just identified as a couple of longhairs.

A study says that loud noise can cause weight gain. Apparently the study was conducted at some Buffalo Wild Wings restaurants on Super Bowl Sunday.

A study says that people who dress more formally tend to be more creative. The study was done after someone noticed what the Beatles were wearing on the album cover of “Sgt. Pepper.”

A study says that people who dress more formally tend to be more creative. Although the study was debunked when it was pointed out that tuxedos are usually the evening wear of choice for ring announcers at the WWE.

Bruce Jenner will reportedly appear on the cover of Vanity Fair magazine as a woman. Most people are just glad he decided not to make his debut photo shoot with Playboy.

Dustin Diamond from “Saved By The Bell” has been convicted of two misdemeanors stemming from a barroom stabbing. No one had any idea that his character’s name “Screech” came from the noise people make when he sticks them in the ribs with a four inch knife blade.

The movie “Jaws” is coming back to theaters on its 40th anniversary. It’s part of a cross promotion between Universal Studios and the only other business that is still making profits with fish that have been in storage for four decades. Red Lobster.

Paul McCartney says he last smoked pot “a long time ago.” In other words, he took his last hit right around the time he had his last hit.

Disney is saying there will not be a “Tron 3.” Not to say that Jeff Bridges is getting a little old and behind the times, but half of the movie’s running time would be used up waiting around for his Commodore 64 to finally boot up.

A former designer for Victoria’s Secret has engineered NASA’s new space suit. The only problem is that no one wants to see John Glenn come out of retirement to model the agency’s new “space thong.”

A former designer for Victoria’s Secret has engineered NASA’s new space suit. Apparently the space agency commissioned the new wear after not wanting to go through another episode with Lisa Nowak driving across the country wearing astronaut diapers.

Jerry Dior, the man who designed the MLB logo has died at age 82. He was the first person to be associated with professional baseball past the age of 80 since Jamie Moyer.

Jerry Dior, the man who designed the MLB logo has died at age 82. Although it was rumored he based the logo on Harmon Killebrew, he claimed he based it on a generic player. Meaning it could have been pretty much anyone who ever played for the Houston Astros.

St. Thomas University pitcher Ben Ancheff tips the scales at 300 pounds. Apparently he claims he tried to base his style on the speed of Randy Johnson, the accuracy of Greg Maddux and the table habits of David Wells.

St. Thomas University pitcher Ben Ancheff tips the scales at 300 pounds. He was warned once by an umpire for going to the rosin bag too often when it was discovered it was actually a funnel cake stuffed in his glove webbing.

7 FIFA soccer officials have been arrested for racketeering, money laundering and fraud in connection with taking bribes for media and marketing rights. At their first court appearance, their lawyer said they were all pleading “Not guiltyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!”

Secretary of State John Kerry broke his leg while bike riding in France. To which George W. Bush says that’s what happens when you go biking in a place where they don’t offer training wheels.

Secretary of State John Kerry broke his leg while riding a bicycle in France. He says it was still a better experience than trying to do business with the French person who rented him the bike.

Researchers say they have made the first semiconductor almost entirely from wood. Which means the latest bug people have to worry about in their computers is termites.

Researchers say they have made the first semiconductor almost entirely from wood. That means that the part is a chip off the old chip.

The head of GoogleX, the company’s secret innovation lab says that failure is something that engineers must strive for. Which finally answers the question as to why Microsoft has been keeping Windows going all these years.

Martin O’Malley has officially announced he is running for President. People were immediately divided over the news. There were those asking “Who?” and the rest who are asking “Why?”

Nebraska Senator Deb Fischer says the proposed $612 Billion defense bill tales a “common sense approach.” To which anyone with common sense would be asking why we are spending $612 Billion on the military?

A poll says that 1% of Americans have never heard of Hillary Clinton. The good news for her is that the other 99% have never heard of her challenger Martin O’Malley.

A poll says that 1% of Americans have never heard of Hillary Clinton. The worst part is that when they are told she is the wife of Bill Clinton they say “Oh, you mean Monica?”

U.S. regulators say they want no part of a fight to eliminate the new “.sucks” domain name. Mostly because we already pretty much have a domain with that same designation. It’s called “.gov.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! June is underway as of Monday, which means one thing to most people. We have absolutely nothing to show for the first five months of the year. Unless you have read this blog every day during that time. Then at least the time you have wasted has been for free. Imagine having to pay for this stuff! I am glad you continue to log in every day. All I need you to do now is spread the word to all your friends and family members so that I can continue with my quest for 7 Billion daily readers. If you tell everyone you know and they do the same we can wrap this thing up by early November. Of 2572. In the meantime, at least try to remember once in awhile to keep sending the love!

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