Friday, May 29, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Researchers are warning that tattoos can come with long term health risks. Especially when your girlfriend sees that you have several of them that feature the names of other women.

Archaeologists say a 430,000 year old skull found in Spain could be the first murder case on record. To which O.J. says when he gets out of jail he will roam around Catalonia looking for the real killer.

A study says that robots that become damaged can “heal” themselves in minutes. Which is good news for GM in that they can start making robotic cars that can eliminate the need to bring them in every two weeks for the latest recall.

Bill Gates says his biggest fear is a worldwide epidemic that could kill millions of people. Which is ironic coming from Gates in that even western Africa hasn’t been ground zero for as many breakouts of new viruses as Windows.

Nebraska has ended a ban on driver’s licenses for immigrant youths. Apparently they realized the best way to handle the immigration issue is to just give the younger generation a way to get out of Nebraska.

The EPA has announced a plan to take control of any body of water on private land, who which Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe says he will fight. California Governor Jerry Brown has already handled the problem, telling the EPA they can have all the water in his state if they can just find any.

A Detroit woman has pleaded guilty to killing a friend with a slow cooker during a political argument. Her lawyer tried to use the defense that the charges against her were a crock.

A report says that only 26.3% of the country is still in a drought. The other 73.7% is saying that doesn’t sound so bad compared to all the floods, tornadoes and snowstorms they have all been having to deal with this year.

A report says that only 26.3% of the country is still in a drought. Which is ironic that much of that is in California where the only thing still under water are all the homes that people bought with subprime loans back in 2007.

A molestation case against Michael Jackson’s estate has been dismissed. Apparently the judge ruled in favor of the Jackson defense team that says he did not molest the accuser, mostly because he has been dead since 2009.

A molestation case against Michael Jackson’s estate has been dismissed. To which Josh Duggar is saying “How did he get so lucky?”

FIFA President Sepp Blatter says his organization must police itself. Although it’s hard to take anything seriously from a man with a name that sounds more like a medical condition that requires an adult diaper.

Experts say after a century of research they have finally cracked the mystery of what causes the holes in Swiss cheese. The cheese is famous for having more holes than anything other than the backside of Alex Rodriguez.

Google has launched unlimited free storage for photos and videos. Which is already being hailed as the greatest achievement in history by Anthony Weiner.

A report says that Disney theme parks are considering switching to demand pricing. Which is not really different than how they currently do business at Disneyland and Disney World. Their prices demand all your money, and you pay it.

A report says that Disney theme parks are considering switching to demand pricing, based on their peak seasons. The prices will vary depending on which level of Disney park attendance is expected: uncontrolled mobs, smothering waves or crushing masses.

The FCC says it wants to expand Internet subsidies for the poor. Mostly the people who can’t afford Internet service after losing all their money to a Nigerian prince.

Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch is reportedly for sale with an asking price of $100 Million. The site hosted thousands of children while Jackson lived there, who were given a special designation after they left. Material witness.

GM says that Camaros will be made in the U.S. in 2016, the first time that will happen since 1992. Apparently the carmaker wants to make it easier for buyers to not have to keep taking their Camaros all the way back to Mexico for every single recall.

Researchers have placed a value on the worth of CEOs, saying their decisions affect 25% of their companies’ profits. Mostly when the CEOs decide to give a quarter of everything they make in bonuses to all the company executives.

High end matchmaking company Selective Service is cutting its fee for younger members to $15,000. Telling a prospective date you had to pay $15,000 to meet her is just slightly more embarrassing than being set up by your mom.

High end matchmaking company Selective Service is cutting its fee for younger members to $15,000. Whatever happened to the good old days of finding dates by going to a bar and getting women drunk enough so that they gave you their number?

The latest date says the median income in the U.S. is still 2.9% lower than it was before the recession started in 2007. The good news is that people are saving a lot more money by not having to make house payments ever since their home was foreclosed.

The latest date says the median income in the U.S. is still 2.9% lower than it was before the recession started in 2007. Which is actually being brought down even more due to all the people whose median income over the past eight years has been zero.

The U.S. is using the highest percentage of green energy since the 1930s. Especially the people who have traded in the fossil fuels guzzled by their SUV they can no longer afford for the renewable energy alternative of using their thumb to get a ride.

The U.S. is using the highest percentage of green energy since the 1930s. Although when energy experts said they hoped the nation would go green, they envisioned windmills and solar panels, and not the Joad family sitting around a campfire burning wood.

The CDC says that teens are drinking, smoking and bullying less with fewer teen girls getting pregnant. Which means maybe there is a good point to our teenagers spending their entire youth with their eyes constantly glued to the screen of a smartphone.

The FDA is warning that cosmetic face fillers can go wrong. To which Mickey Rourke is saying “Now they tell me.”

A study says that one in twenty people experience hallucinations not associated with drugs, alcohol or dreaming. The other nineteen can relax in knowing that they aren’t going crazy, they just have a major drug dependency.

A study says that alcohol increases the effects of getting high on marijuana. Especially when they are using beer to wash down the pizza they have been craving ever since their morning bong.

Mariah Carey says that being on “American Idol” was “boring and fake.” Apparently she would have rather been on while Simon Cowell was one of the judges and it was just pretentious and self-absorbed.

Courtney Stodden says her mother quit as her manager because she just wanted to be famous herself. Apparently it’s hard to be famous when your only job in life is managing a daughter who has no marketable talents other than wanting to be famous.

Courtney Stodden says her mother quit as her manager because she just wanted to be famous herself. Who does she think she is, Kris Jenner?

A top music programming consultant says taking women out of the rotation is the key to success for a country radio station. Which is the first time in the past decade anyone has used the terms “success” and “radio station” in the same sentence.

A top music programming consultant says taking women out of the rotation is the key to success for a country radio station. Apparently the women artists just need to start singing songs more about what appeals to their male listeners. Trucks, dogs and beer.

Meta World Peace was called for five fouls in one minute and was ejected from a game in an Italian league. Apparently he is trying to get the word out to the NBA that he is back in peak form again.

Researchers in China say they have created a tiny sonic “screwdriver” that can cause particles to rotate. The only problem is that they can’t use the one they created because it only comes with a Phillips head.

A Louisiana man is being charged with selling fake discount coupons on a website. The man could be sentenced to up to ten years in prison but says he hopes he can cut that to five years as he claims to have a 50% off jail time coupon.

A Google survey says that Idaho has the worst spellers. Which is a good thing they are in Idaho because just imagine how bad it would be if they had to spell “Mississippi” all the time.

Amazon is reportedly planning to offer its own line of generic food products. The bad part is ordering a quart of milk that you know has been already been returned by three other customers.

A Swedish designer has made a flag to designate earthlings if we ever set foot on another planet. Although a better way to let other worlds know that humans were there is to leave our traditional calling card of some discarded McDonald’s wrappers and empty bottles of Mountain Dew.

The NSA is testing gesture recognition as a replacement for passwords. The only problem is that when people think the NSA is spying on them through their computer they always end up showing the same one finger gesture.

A report says that Netflix accounts for 37% of Internet traffic. People were surprised. how did Internet porn viewing fall to only 63%?

The National Spelling Bee ended in a tie between Vanya Shivashankar and Gokul Venkatachalam. The tie was declared when neither of the contestants could actually manage to spell their own names correctly.

The Obama Administration is laying out a controversial plan to save the sage grouse. It is the first grouse that Obama has had to deal with since he ran against John McCain in 2008.

The Obama Administration is laying out a controversial plan to save the sage grouse. Republicans consider it controversial mostly because it comes from the Obama Administration.

Federal prosecutors have indicted former House Speaker Dennis Hastert for hiding payments to an apparent blackmailer. He supposedly was caught when he used the same wheelbarrow to carry the cash payments that he used when he was in Congress to take bribes from lobbyists.

Presidential hopeful Ted Cruz says he has reached level 357 of Candy Crush. Which is just three less than it will take to get all the way through the upcoming GOP debates.

A poll says that approval of out of wedlock births has grown to 61%. The other 39% are the ones who have actually had a family member impregnated by Kevin Federline.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The NBA Finals will be a matchup between the Golden State Warriors and the Cleveland Cavaliers. Golden State has to be favored. It’s always better to pick a warrior over someone who is just too cavalier. Not to say the matchup isn’t generating low interest, but ABC is thinking of playing soccer highlights during the halftime show. That’s as exciting as imagining the Astros playing the Brewers in the World Series. The only thing worse about a bad matchup in the NBA Finals is the fact that I have to watch because our 11:00 news comes on after the games so it will also make for a late night. Oh, well. The one way to make me feel better about having to stay at work late because of a game I don’t care about is to make sure to remember to send the love!

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