Thursday, May 28, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says that looking at scenes of nature can help the brain work better. Which really explains a lot of what is going on in New Jersey.

Lamborghini is planning to produce a 600 horsepower SUV. Which is all we need is to put a vehicle that can take a hairpin turn at 220 miles an hour in the hands of a soccer mom who is running late.

Lamborghini is planning to produce a 600 horsepower SUV. Finally a practical vehicle that can go 0-60 in 1.8 seconds that can go into a power slide with out spilling out the grocery bags in the back seat.

A Singapore Airlines jet went into a steep dive after losing both engines in midflight before getting them restarted. People were amazed. It’s hard enough to get AAA to come out for a jump start in rush hour on the freeway let alone at 25,000 feet.

Mississippi is once again rated as the fattest state, with 35.2% of the population considered obese. There is a word for the other 64.8% in the state who don’t tip the scales at a dangerous level. Tourists.

The tour manager for U2 was found dead in his hotel room. Apparently with Bono’s bike accident and the Edge recently falling during a concert, it was just too much stress trying to make the stage handicap accessible.

L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti says he hopes the film “San Andreas” will get residents to prepare for a major earthquake. Just like “Titanic” helped prepare people who were planning to take a cruise with Carnival.

L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti says he hopes the film “San Andreas” will get residents to prepare for a major earthquake. Just like every Adam Sandler movie helped people prepare to lose eight dollars for 90 minutes of disappointment.

L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti says he hopes the film “San Andreas” will get residents to prepare for a major earthquake. Just like how the mayor’s mansion was equipped with a safe room for protection from zombies after he started watching “The Walking Dead.”

The head of the NSA is calling for the Internet to be governed by international rules like the Law of the Sea. Although for most men, the only time they associate the ocean with the Internet is when they go online to look at pictures of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel has been named the most powerful woman in the world for the fifth straight year. Although most men concede the most powerful woman in the world is the one who will take half of everything they own if they ever see what their husbands are doing on the computer.

CBS’ Bob Schieffer is set to retire this week at age 78. Which is nothing at CBS, as the entire staff of “60 Minutes” doesn’t even open up a 401(k) account until they reach 80.

CBS’ Bob Schieffer is set to retire this week at age 78. His plans are to go home and spend time like other people his age. Watching prime time programming on CBS.

Former Senator Rick Santorum has officially joined the race for President in 2016, promising to restore the economic power of middle class workers. Which would come full circle after his work in the Senate helped wipe out those same people back in 2007.

The National Hurricane Center has put out its hurricane season prediction that calls for 6-11 named storms and 3-6 hurricanes. The news caused the usual preparations with stores stocking up on bottled water, people buying wood to board their windows and home insurance companies raising their rates 50%.

The National Hurricane Center has put out its hurricane season prediction that calls for 6-11 named storms and 3-6 hurricanes. Which will be updated every week through November until they actually wind up close to the actual total.

Tracy Morgan has settled his lawsuit with Wal-Mart over his injuries caused when his car was hit by a Wal-Mart truck. The store agreed to pay for his medical costs as long as they can be covered with gift cards redeemable at any Wal-Mart Wellness Center.

A report says that government auditors repeatedly warned the IRS about computer security risks long before the breach that exposed personal information of 100,000 households. The good news is that it’s not like any tax returns sent to the IRS actually contain any truthful information.

Chevrolet says several 2016 models will allow access by smartphones operated by either Android or Apple. Which means Chevy owners can now conveniently use their phones to get immediate notification of the latest Chevrolet recalls.

CBS CEO Les Moonves says that the network will “probably” be a part of Apple’s TV service. The only problem is that the average CBS viewer is at an age where their first question is how do you hook up Apple TV to work with rabbit ear antennas and a VCR?

Fallen Lehman Brothers CEO Dick Fuld has reportedly opened a real estate business. Apparently the idea is to start buying all the homes back at a reduced price that were foreclosed on people who insured their mortgages through Lehman Brothers.

A report says a cash drop involving FIFA soccer executives at a Paris hotel consisted of stacks of tens of thousands of dollars. Police were able to identify the culprits they were looking for when they tried to carry out the suitcases full of cash without using their hands.

A report says a cash drop involving FIFA soccer executives at a Paris hotel consisted of stacks of tens of thousands of dollars. The good news about the scandal and resulting trials is that the courtroom proceedings that may be televised will be more watchable than the World Cup.

Detroit political and business leaders say the Motor City should be the place where driverless cars are developed. The only problem is that if the driverless cars sit in one spot too long in Detroit it’s hard for them to get back into traffic without any wheels.

Detroit political and business leaders say the Motor City should be the place where driverless cars are developed. The people in Detroit are excited about technology that could equip the first vehicle to be involved in a driverless-by shooting.

The FAA says it is considering new mental health rules for pilots. For one thing, anyone claiming to be a pilot for United Airlines needs to be checked for being delusional since no one has actually seen a United plane complete a flight since 2009.

McDonald’s says it will stop reporting its monthly sales data. They aren’t fooling anyone. You don’t need to see the box score every day to guess the Cubs probably lost again.

Ford has recalled another 423,000 vehicles for power steering problems. Chrysler has never had that problem with their cars mostly because when it comes to steering, with no power there is no problem.

A study says that within five years, 80% of the Internet will be videos. The only problem will be finding enough cats to make enough of those videos to give people something to actually do with their time all day.

A study says that within five years, 80% of the Internet will be videos. The other 20% will be for traditionalists who still like to look at their porn one picture at a time.

McDonald’s says it will improve its food by toasting its buns five seconds longer. Although what they should really try is cooking the buns five seconds longer and then actually putting something edible in between them.

McDonald’s says it will improve its food by toasting its buns five seconds longer. Which finally gives a new metaphor to be used instead of “rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.”

A study by the AAA says that teen drivers are a danger for everyone else on the road. To which the teens say it’s not their fault, that if older people would just be a little more tech savvy they would be able to intercept the teens’ text messages they are sending  while driving and would know to get out of the way.

A study says that electric current zaps may improve the thinking of schizophrenics. If nothing else it will at least make them realize that there really is someone after them.

A survey says that 28% of Americans say they are clinically obese. The other 72% prefer to use the term “pleasantly plump.”

A survey says that 28% of Americans say they are clinically obese. The good news is that it means only 72% of us are in denial.

The European Food Safety Authority says that drinking more than five espressos a day may damage a person’s health. Especially when their partner finds out drinking five Starbucks espressos a day has pretty much wiped out the couple’s life savings.

A report says that TLC is planning a spinoff of “19 Kids and Counting.” Apparently it will star Josh Duggar and be a combination of “Orange is the New Black,” “Oz” and “Prison Break.”

A report says that TLC is planning a spinoff of “19 Kids and Counting.” How bad can a new program tied to child molestation be for the network that brought us “Honey Boo Boo,” “Jon & Kate Plus 8” and “NY Ink”?

Bruce Jenner responded to a wrongful death lawsuit involving his car crash by saying the woman’s stepchildren have no right to sue. Besides, when it comes to lawsuits involving greedy stepchildren you are going to have to go a long ways to beat the person who headed up the Jenner/Kardashian household.

Courtney Stodden’s mother says she is resigning her position as her daughter’s manager due to “creative differences.” Although considering her daughter is famous for marrying a man 35 years her senior and releasing a sex tape, she couldn’t have been as bad a manager as she is a mom.

Police in Indiana had to respond to a domestic violence case between a husband and wife that started with an argument between NASCAR and IndyCar racing. It looks like the husband may have traded in his checkered flag for a black and white striped jumpsuit.

Police in Indiana had to respond to a domestic violence case between a husband and wife that started with an argument between NASCAR and IndyCar racing. The husband is the NASCAR fan who was cooking dinner at the time. Even money says the implements needed to prepare that meal were a can opener and microwave oven.

The Dodgers traded infielder Juan Uribe to the Atlanta Braves, to which Uribe says he is OK with as long as they sent him to another baseball team. Which means it was a good thing they didn’t line up the trade with the Houston Astros.

A former prosecutor says the U.S. is pursuing the case against FIFA corruption like Bobby Kennedy went after the Mafia. It’s just a good thing the FIFA officials didn’t do something really stupid like letting the air out of some of the soccer balls.

The CEO of Sprint says that in two years his company will blow right past its rivals. Apparently that means the company is going to try a strategy never before attempted by a wireless carrier, offering an uninterrupted signal along with good customer service at a fair price.

Astronomers and geologists are trying to dispel the myth that a rare alignment of the planets is going to cause an earthquake. They say the alignment is more likely responsible for a much more cataclysmic event, namely Cleveland meeting Golden State in the NBA Finals.

A text message being sent to people reportedly has the ability to crash iPhones. The only other message that could cause a bigger jam up on the Internet is the one that says “click here for naked pictures of Jennifer Aniston.”

An analysis says that automakers are ahead of schedule with their fuel economy targets for 2020. Especially GM, Ford and Chrysler whose cars aren’t using any gasoline since they have all been sitting at the dealerships on recalls since March.

Apple has reclaimed the top rated brand value in the world at $247 Billion. Although the company is actually worth $215 Billion, but it’s just that someone will pay another $32 Billion just because it says “Apple” on it.

A study says that the average cost of a data breach is $3.8 Million. Or in the case of any men whose wives have gotten their Facebook password and seen who they are talking to, right around half of everything they own.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another treasure trove of hilarious jokes. That is what people are saying about the other websites they have been looking at before they come over to my blog. But you have to admit, this isn’t bad for the price. Unless you actually value your time as I obviously do not. All I need for you to do is spread the word about the site so I can continue my ascent up the Internet ladder on the way to commanding 7 Billion daily readers. That is hardly asking too much. In the meantime, you can always win a few points from me if you just remember to send the love!

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