Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Johnny Depp could reportedly face up to ten years in prison for illegally bringing his dogs into Australia. It’s the biggest crime he is accused of committing other than the eight dollars he took from every person who paid to see “The Lone Ranger.”

A report says that China creates a new billionaire every week. Which isn’t hard in a nation of 1.4 Billion people. Just send out a chain letter that asks for a dollar and hope it eventually gets around to everyone.

A spec home in Los Angeles is reportedly going to have a price tag of $500 Million. It’s main selling point is that it is in one of the few upscale areas that is nowhere near any of the homes currently lived in by any of the Kardashian family.

U.S. warplanes were scrambled to escort in an Air France jet flying from Paris to New York City following threats against the plane. The incident ended with the plane landing safely, no passengers harmed and France offering an unconditional surrender.

Taco Bell and Pizza Hut are the latest restaurants to say they will do away with artificial ingredients. Which in the case of Taco Bell means the only thing they serve that will pass the test are the wrappers.

A report says that 3.2 Billion people have used the Internet worldwide so far this year. Mostly to help load up Youtube with even more than the already available 10 Billion cat videos.

A report says that 3.2 Billion people have used the Internet worldwide so far this year. Most of them as a way to finally get rich through a proposal sent to them by a very friendly and wealthy Nigerian prince.

A report says that 3.2 Billion people have used the Internet worldwide so far this year. The other 3.8 Billion are women who aren’t online because they just aren’t interested in spending ten hours of their day staring at porn.

A Twitter trend has teenagers trying to summon a demon named Charlie. Although so far parents are better with that than letting their kids fall under the cult demonic influence of being a Twitter follower of Justin Bieber.

A claim says that road and jet noise are possibly fueling obesity. Mostly because people find the only way to escape all the racket is to constantly stick their head in the nearest refrigerator.

A study says that air pollution is lowering the IQ of kids in New York City. How else can anyone explain away the large number of Mets and Knicks fans?

A report is blaming social media and hookup apps for a spike of STDs in Rhode Island. Mostly because the new technology is allowing more people around the state to line up dates with people in New Jersey.

The IRS says that hackers stole personal information from 100,000 taxpayers. People were shocked. There are 100,000 people who still make enough money to have to pay taxes?

A food vendor at a country music concert was reportedly drunk, got into a fight and then got into an SUV with a gun and ran over four people. The good news is the country band has used the incident to come up with lyrics for six new songs.

The Supreme Court has agreed to settle the meaning of “one person one vote.” Or as they know that in Illinois, “one dead person three votes.”

The Supreme Court has agreed to settle the meaning of “one person one vote.” Or as the Court decided back in the 2000 election, “Five votes gets you one new President.”

The Supreme Court has agreed to settle the meaning of “one person one vote.” Or as they know it in Florida, “one person one vote unless there is a dimpled, bulging or hanging chad.”

ISIS is offering its fighters a bonus of $1,500 if they get married. Apparently they want their soldiers to settle down, start a family and hear the tiny footsteps of little jihadists running around the house.

ISIS is offering its fighters a bonus of $1,500 if they get married. The only problem with marrying an ISIS soldier is that at the wedding the bride must wear something old, something new, something borrowed and something Boom!

Nielsen says that Liam Neeson is the best pitchman to put in an ad. That claim will really be put to the test if he can get more than a handful of people to see his new movie “Ted 2.”

Republican presidential hopeful Carly Fiorina says that the Chinese “don’t innovate.” That’s not true. It’s just that when you are a civilization that has already given the world gunpowder, pasta and alcohol, what more do you need to contribute?

CBS is replacing David Letterman with reruns of “The Mentalist.” Apparently they are hoping viewers will confuse that with thinking they are about to hear the “Top Ten List.”

CBS is replacing David Letterman with reruns of “The Mentalist.” The first job of the mentalist will be to figure out why anyone who is used to watching Letterman in that time slot stick around to watch a show that couldn’t even make it on the CBS prime time lineup?

A study says there was a better way to respond to the Ebola outbreak. The first way would have been to not wait three months after there were reports of Ebola to try to come up with some kind of plan.

A study has connected students’ vision with literacy. How are students expected to complete their reading assignments if they can’t even see well enough to identify the black and yellow cover of their CliffsNotes?

Researchers are using the Herpes virus to help fight some types of cancer. Which is just more good news for anyone who has recently been dating Paris Hilton.

A study says that cutting the umbilical cord later can make for smarter children. Which is OK with most health insurance companies as long as it happens within a half hour of birth before they make the parents check out and take their baby back home.

A study says that moderate drinking can harm seniors’ hearts. Which is OK with most seniors who realize if they have been moderate drinkers their whole life their liver is going to fail them way before their heart gives out.

A study says that people who anticipate temptation can prevent unethical decisions. Meaning if everyone who anticipated and resisted the temptation to vote, we wouldn’t have all the crooks who are serving in elected office.

A Chinese herbal plant can reportedly help people lose weight by eating 80% less. Although if anyone wants to try something Chinese that makes them eat 80% less just go to a Mandarin restaurant and order the pigs colon, duck’s head or dried lizard.

A study says that when people are happy they generate chemicals that produce a smell. Which most of us are familiar with, especially when the person who is getting a bit overexcited also has a problem with bladder control.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson set a new record by taking 105 selfies in 3 minutes. Which answers the question about how he got his name “The Rock,” which describes what someone has in their head to make them want to take 105 selfies in 3 minutes.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson set a new record by taking 105 selfies in 3 minutes. Although there will be an asterisk with the record as it applies only to selfie amateurs who don’t have the last name “Kardashian.”

Taylor Swift was placed 64th on Forbes “Most Powerful Women” list. The selection was based on her business sense, marketing abilities and being able to dump seven boyfriends who were named to the “Most Powerful Men” list.

Some family members of B.B. King say the Blues legend died from poisoning. He was 89. What did they do, give him an overdose of Metamucil?

Some family members of B.B. King say the Blues legend died from poisoning. The only thing questionable about the death of a Mississippi blues guitarist is how they actually managed to live to be 89?

Kris Jenner has filed to trademark the word “Momager.” Which will be very lucrative for her when she collects royalties from the three people who actually wouldn’t be embarrassed to be described by that term.

Kris Jenner has filed to trademark the word “Momager.” If that works, she will then try to file for her other descriptions including “greedy, self-absorbed, meddling harpy.”

Taylor Swift says that being a pop star is “not that hard.” She wasn’t talking about her own career, that took a lot of work. She was just commenting after seeing what Justin Bieber has accomplished.

Philadelphia Phillies GM Ruben Amaro says that fans who are impatient with their rebuilding plan “don’t understand the game.” Although they do understand the game better than the Phillies fans who boo a player who strikes out late in the game with a ten run lead.

Shaquille O’Neal reportedly said he would “murder” Kobe Bryant in 2004. Fortunately Bryant was able to foil the plan by standing 15 feet away from Shaq and pretending to be the basket.

Shaquille O’Neal reportedly said he would “murder” Kobe Bryant in 2004. The good news is that if Kobe had committed suicide he would have finally been credited with an assist.

An app claims it can guess a student’s GPA just by looking at their iPhone. Which is pretty easy to do when you figure if the iPhone is already low on its charge at 7:00 am from looking at selfies all night, their GPA has to be somewhere between  “academic probation” and “flunking out.”

Charter has struck a deal to buy Time Warner Cable for $55 Billion. The deal includes the cable operation, broadband and two free weeks of Showtime.

A Goldman Sachs research paper describes the car of the future as being driverless. Which is bad news for the people who work at Goldman Sachs who will no longer have their chauffeur to browbeat and abuse every time their limousine is five minutes late to an appointment.

A Goldman Sachs research paper describes the car of the future as being driverless. Which means the entire staff of thousands of their chauffeurs will be laid off. Fortunately, they can reapply to be the people who light executives’ cigars with $100 bills.

AOL says it had three interested buyers before Verizon bought them out. No one even knew there were that many companies who needed that big of a write off for their taxes.

Experts say that taxing organic products could solve the California water problem. Which sounds like a solution that could only make sense if you are smoking your own organic products.

Nebraska Governor Pete Ricketts has vetoed a bill that would abolish the death penalty in the state. Apparently his reasoning is that it would be cruel and unusual punishment to make someone serve out a life sentence in Nebraska.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! To be honest, I am still disappointed in your efforts to help me reach my goal of 7 Billion daily readers on this site. You are going to just have to try a little harder to reach out to all your friends and family and the people who log in to your Facebook page to see what you ate for breakfast. Together we can do this! Just keep spreading the word to everyone you come in contact with. At work, school, or the free clinic, I don’t care. If nothing else, you can also feel free any time to take a few seconds out of your day to remember to send the love!

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