Monday, May 25, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

An 11 year old California boy has graduated with three degrees and a 4.0 GPA from American River College. The good news is that he can start working at such a young age, he has a chance to pay off his college loans by the time he is 58.

An 11 year old California boy has graduated with three degrees and a 4.0 GPA from American River College. Although some of the other students say it was a little awkward to see someone at a keg party who was drinking out of a sippy cup.

An 11 year old California boy has graduated with three degrees and a 4.0 GPA from American River College. The hardest part was trying to write his thesis paper using alphabet blocks.

A Czech reality show recreates life for a family under Nazi occupation. Until now, the only way for reality show contestants to get that experience was to try out to be on Gordon Ramsay’s “Kitchen Nightmares.”

A new book says that mindfulness and meditation can trigger depression and psychosis. Especially when they realize that it would have been a lot better to achieve nirvana and realize the meaning of life by doing something other than contemplating their navel.

The government says it will review the mystery of why the economy always grows more slowly during the 1st quarter. Although it could be on account of that January through March are the only months that don’t typically have some sort of Christmas sales taking place.

Las Vegas was shaken by a 4.8 magnitude earthquake over the weekend. It rocked the city so hard that what stays in ‘Vegas was now shaken all the way over to Pahrump.

A study says that insecure, narcissistic people are more likely to post on Facebook. Which is annoying in that it takes up space from the rest of us who are trying to show everyone how good our lives our with our vacation selfies and pictures of what we are eating for breakfast.

Google has patented toys that watch and listen to kids. Which is a good idea since parents pretty much quit doing that back in the 1970s.

Ireland voted overwhelmingly to approve of same sex marriage. The Irish don’t really support gay rights, they just like the idea of having more occasions where alcohol is served.

A study says that connected cars could cause data traffic jams. Which is pretty much the way your car will be able to give other vehicles the finger.

A report says that Fiat Chrysler talked to GM about a possible merger. The two companies could save billions of dollars by working together to combine Chrysler’s engineering incompetence with GM’s experience at organizing the resulting recalls.

The NSA has begun winding down their phone records collection program. The sad part is that they would have saved a lot more lives and protected more Americans if instead of spying on our calls figured out a way to keep people from using their phones to text while driving.

The NSA has begun winding down their phone records collection program. Which means once again the only person you have to worry about intercepting naked pictures sent to your smartphone is your wife.

A report says the nation’s top 15 CEOs were paid a total of $1.1 Billion last year. Mostly because they don’t need that money for employee salaries anymore since the CEOs cut their wages, laid off their co-workers and sent most the other jobs overseas.

GM is set to face criminal charges and a possible $1 Billion fine over their ignition switch defect that killed more than 100 people. As opposed to Chrysler’s ignition switches that killed no one as their defect just meant nothing happened when the driver used the key.

A consumer group is blasting insurance companies that don’t give discounts to low mileage drivers. Which is pretty much everyone who still won’t be able to afford to drive where they need to go until gas gets back down to a dollar a gallon.

The former Korean Air executive who was jailed over “nutgate” has been released from prison. Authorities say after all that time in jail along with constant interrogations finally made her crack.

A report says the number of jobs requiring college degrees is increasing. The bad part is that the jobs now demanding a degree include making coffee at Starbucks, taking orders at Applebee’s and folding clothes at the Gap.

A report says that some government agencies are spending up to $120 per line for cellphone service. Mostly the ones who keep seeing their data use increase because they keep getting pictures sent to them by Anthony Weiner.

France is making it illegal to throw away edible food. England is thinking about passing similar legislation although it wouldn’t do much good since all their restaurants would pretty much be exempt.

A study at Cornell University says that airline food tastes bad because of excessive noise in the cabin areas. Mostly from all the passengers who are complaining about how bad the airline food tastes.

A study at Cornell University says that airline food tastes bad because of excessive noise in the cabin areas. Although most Cornell undergrads are wondering why they aren’t trying to figure out why the food tastes so bad in the school’s student union cafeteria.

The Obama Administration is expected to issue a plan to help reduce water pollution. Apparently they are just adopting the Jerry Brown plan which did away with concerns about pollution by simply eliminating the water supply.

Wal-Mart is pushing for improved animal welfare by its meat, seafood and poultry suppliers. Once that is taken care of, they will also try to work for improved welfare benefits for all of the company workers who can’t make it on a Wal-Mart salary.

A study says that fish oil may boost brain function in older adults. Especially for the ones who forget how much they hate the taste of fish oil.

A study says that treating gum disease may help with prostate symptoms. Men just have to make sure their doctor doesn’t confuse which one they are going to work on when they put on the latex gloves.

Research says that helmets don’t reduce the number of concussions for bull riders. Mostly because it helps to have a concussion to be convinced to sit on top of an angry spinning, jumping and kicking 1,600 pound bull in the first place.

A study says that smokers who quit could have a brain that is wired for success. Or they might be just tired of having their brain injured from being hit over the head constantly after lighting up too close to a militant non-smoker.

Sharon Osbourne is taking a one month hiatus from “The Talk” after collapsing from exhaustion. She was mostly exhausted from trying to get a word in edgewise over the other hosts on “The Talk.”

Sharon Osbourne is taking a one month hiatus from “The Talk” after collapsing from exhaustion. The most exhausting part is talking with other people on the show and then having to go home and interpret whatever it is Ozzy is trying to say.

Kim Kardashian gave an interview where she defended her life’s work. Most people don’t want her to justify her work, they just want to know what it is she actually does.

A hurricane expert says the northeast U.S. will take the brunt of the increased hurricanes caused by global warming. Which is no big deal since it will be no change for all the people who have been underwater on their home loans since the mortgage crisis back in 2007.

A popular adult website in California is investigating a breach by hackers that exposed the sexual habits and orientation of 4 Million members. The only other way to immediately learn about the sexual preferences of 4 Million people is to enroll on Match.com.

The Marines are using technology to create an augmented reality battlefield on a golf course. The only other way for marines to experience combat conditions on a golf course is for a group of enlisted men to hit into a foursome of generals.

A study says that even people who think they can’t sing can learn to carry a tune. Or as in the case of Justin Bieber can become major pop stars by having producers who know how to work auto-tune.

A study says that even people who think they can’t sing can learn to carry a tune. Which is still a long ways for Britney Spears who is still trying to figure out how to be able to lip sync properly.

Uber’s first autonomous car was taken out for a test drive. Customers like the idea as an alternative of their other Uber option which is being driven around town in a 1998 Kia and being overcharged while having to listen to the driver talk endlessly about the screenplay they are working on.

Twitter is opening a 4,000 square foot facility in San Francisco to give low income and homeless families access to computers and technology classes. Although they would be doing more good to convert the building into a shelter since the homeless people are using the available technology to try to find a place to live.

Twitter is opening a 4,000 square foot facility in San Francisco to give low income and homeless families access to computers and technology classes. Which works out well since the people can now use the technology to set up a site on Gofundme.com instead of standing on a street corner panhandling all day.

California Governor Jerry Brown is proposing an amnesty program for people who can’t afford to pay off their traffic debt. It is mostly for people who have racked up thousands of dollars in parking tickets because their car has sat in the same spot since 1997 and they are afraid of losing their parking space.

Chevrolet engines finished in the top four spots with 16 engines in 33 cars overall in the Indy 500 in Sunday. But Chevy was most proud of the fact that before the race was done they only had to recall seven of them.

The Indy 500 was won by Juan Pablo Montoya on Sunday. Danica Patrick was offered to drive the pace car but turned it down saying if she wanted to run two laps and not get out of third gear, she would have just entered the field.

Fellow Republican Senators were critical of Rand Paul’s long speech about the Patriot Act which lasted into Saturday, calling it “grandstanding.”  If there is one thing politicians in Washington, D.C. need to understand, there is no better way to make everyone mad than by cutting into their three day holiday weekend.

Fellow Republican Senators were critical of Rand Paul’s long speech about the Patriot Act which lasted into Saturday, calling it “grandstanding.” Mostly because the only speeches that Congress considers worthwhile are the ones given at fundraisers.

Hillary Clinton says she supports the current U.S. policy in Iraq. Which caused a lot of confusion, especially to most people who are saying “We have a policy in Iraq?”

A poll says that 31% of Americans consider themselves socially liberal, with another 31% saying they are socially conservative. The other 38% said they didn’t understand the question and couldn’t be bothered to take the survey anyway because they were too busy watching cat videos on their iPhone.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope you all had a great holiday weekend. I enjoyed having an extra day off. You would think that the extra time would mean more quality jokes for today but you would be wrong. In any event, hats off to the people who fought for the right of people like me to post lousy jokes on the Internet. Fortunately, there were other things that they were putting their lives on the line to protect that were more worthwhile. In my spare time I am into grillin’ and chillin’ but there is never any billin’. The jokes are always free which is good for me so that never means any refunds. All I ever ask is that you all remember once in awhile to make sure to send the love!

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