Friday, May 22, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A man stripped naked at the Charlotte Airport when he found out his flight to Jamaica was overbooked. It was either that or he finally found a way to figure out how to avoid paying a fee for his luggage.

A man stripped naked at the Charlotte Airport when he found out his flight to Jamaica was overbooked. Apparently he was determined that at the end of the day, if he was on a Jamaican beach or anywhere else he would not be wearing any clothes.

Donald Trump talked of his plans to run for President, saying the nation is “a hellhole.” So who would be better to lead a country that needs to start over than someone who has had his TV series canceled, been through four bankruptcies and is on his third marriage?

A reports says 82 apartments in New York City were renting for $50,000 or more a month so far this year. Which is way too much for most people who know that half of that will get you a double door Amana refrigerator box on the Upper East Side.

A study says the gap between the rich and poor in advanced economies is at record levels. The good news is that all it takes anymore to get into the upper class is to not have had a foreclosure, bankruptcy or been laid off in the past eight years.

A study says that dogs have been man’s best friend for the past 40,000 years. It hasn’t changed since the invention of the wheel when man could first ask dogs if they wanted to go for a ride.

A report says more people are complaining that Wi-Fi makes them feel ill. Especially people who use a wireless Internet connection to log on to Youtube and watch Justin Bieber videos.

A poll says that 61% of U.S. voters expect biased coverage of the 2016 presidential race. Which is no big deal as no one is paying attention since it is not even halfway through 2015 yet.

TV’s Dr. Oz reportedly helped a woman who collapsed in a Florida mall. Ironically, she became ill after using one of the fake remedies he advertises on his show.

U.S. Capitol Police will go through special instruction after three officers accidentally left their loaded guns in bathrooms. The bad part is telling uniformed officers they have been temporarily reassigned to potty training.

A list of the top ten beaches in the U.S. includes Coast Guard Beach in Massachusetts. The only problem is timing which three days out of the year it is warm enough there to actually go into the water.

The annual list of the top ten beaches in the U.S. came out this week. While no New Jersey beaches made the grade, they did get an honorable mention for the best place for people with no health insurance to get the prescription medication they can’t currently afford by stepping on a discarded needle.

David Letterman’s last show was seen by 13.7 Million people, which was less than Jay Leno’s 14.6 Million viewer finale. Not to say those two dislike each other, but they have already arranged to have a counter at their future gravesites to see who gets the most visitors.

A report says that Americans are spending more money, just not on things they want. Which is unfortunate for so many that things like food and rent still come before the boat, country club membership and Rolex.

Scrabble came out with a new guide that allows “lol,” “ridic” and “sexting” as acceptable words. Although anyone who uses the terms lol, ridic and sexting has never gotten within ten feet of a Scrabble board.

A survey says that people living in high rent areas like San Francisco, Washington, D.C. and New York City say it is worth it and are happier than people in lower rent cities like Milwaukee, Albuquerque and Detroit. Mostly because when they wake up every morning they realize they aren’t in Milwaukee, Albuquerque or Detroit.

A report says that three of the nine stocks that rallied back the most from 2009 make underwear. Mostly because they are selling a lot of their product to everyone else who was in the market then and lost their shirt.

China’s wealthiest man reportedly lost half his fortune, $15 Billion in a half hour. That will be the last time he decides to take some of his money and loan it to the U.S.

A Tennessee high school student who was accepted at all eight Ivy League schools turned them down to attend the University of Alabama. Apparently he wants to be a dentist so he figures if he wants to get some coal the best place to go is right into the mine.

A Tennessee high school student who was accepted at all eight Ivy League schools turned them down to attend the University of Alabama. Mostly because he knows that having a high school diploma along with an SAT score of more than 350 crowns him class valedictorian by default.

A report says the Takata air bag recall could take five years to complete. In the meantime customers probably won’t be happy with the temporary fix that gives the driver a straw to blow into to inflate the bags when they see a crash coming.

A report says the Takata air bag recall could take five years to complete. Which doesn’t do much good for people who own Chryslers with the airbags as the cars won’t be roadworthy after they make it past three years anyway.

Mars and Hershey candy companies are set to offer snack bars for health-conscious consumers. When told about the plan for healthier snacks from the two companies, most health experts just snickered.

CVS says it will buy drug distributor Omnicare for $10.4 Billion. Although it will actually be more than that as the final price doesn’t include their annual deductible and copay.

Playboy has introduced an app they say is safe for work. Mostly because anyone who still remembers Playboy magazine was already eligible for retirement back in 1983.

A study says that one in five Millennials says they have been depressed on the job. The other four will get to experience that once they finally leave their parents’ basement and try to actually get into the workforce.

A study says that men who drink more caffeine have a lower risk of developing erectile dysfunction. Especially the men who use coffee, soda and energy drinks to wash down their Viagra pills.

An 86 year old California man with demential survived walking around the Mojave Desert after getting lost while on vacation with his family. People were amazed. Who calls it a vacation to take an 86 year old man into the desert?

A study says that skipping meals may increase belly fat. The study uses the term “may” as they have not found any Americans in the past 20 years who have actually skipped a meal.

A study says that 4.3 Million Americans with a full time job suffer from an anxiety disorder. People were surprised at the news. There are 4.3 Million people in the U.S. who still have a full time job?

A study says that 4.3 Million Americans with a full time job suffer from an anxiety disorder. Mostly from worrying every day if they will become a part of the 93 Million Americans who are out of work.

A study says that the average American gets 61% of their calories from highly processed foods. The other 39% of calories come from the fat, salt and sugar we put on those foods to make them taste better.

A study says that cold weather is more deadly than heat. Which means Fox News will finally admit that global warming is real, but now it is something that is actually good for all of us.

A study says that cold weather is more deadly than heat. Apparently the study took into consideration that the average age in Florida is 53 years older than it is in North Dakota.

A report says the California drought is making for a much worse allergy season there. Especially for people who break out in hives when they see their monthly water bill has tripled again.

A study says that single motherhood is tied to poorer health later in life. Mostly from the stress from raising all the grandchildren now that their kids have followed mom’s lead and have all become single parents.

“Real Housewives of Orange County” cast member Tamra Judge says she has had five boob jobs. To which most people watching the show are asking why a woman would want five boobs?

“Real Housewives of Orange County” cast member Tamra Judge says she has had five boob jobs. Or as that is called in Hollywood, “the natural look.”

Elton John attended his 57th reunion of his grammar school class. Although many of the other classmates feel a bit cheated when they show up because when John commits to show up, the event is advertised to be attended by the Queen.

Golf writer Dan Jenkins says that Tiger Woods’ major championships don’t mean that much since he beat a bunch of “nobodies” to win them. Which is true only because they used to be somebodies but became nobodies when he started winning major championships by 15 shots.

Golf writer Dan Jenkins says that Tiger Woods’ major championships don’t mean that much since he beat a bunch of “nobodies” to win them. Which was probably upsetting to all those golfers who read the article by a golf writer while they were flying in their private jets to their Florida mansions to pack for their vacation in Monaco.

Milwaukee Brewers relief pitcher Will Smith was ejected from a game for having pine tar on his arm. The only reasons for him to have pine tar on his arm was to doctor the baseball or he didn’t have time to shower after his date with Paris Hilton the night before.

Liquor bottles are now coming with LED message boards that will display personal messages programmed by an app. The most popular message so far is “This was a lot smoother going down than it is coming back up.”

A rapping computer uses an algorithm to generate rap lyrics. Which isn’t all that hard when you realize most rap songs consist of the singer’s name, their home town and 87 different obscenities.

HP’s second quarter profit was down 21%. Computer industry experts were surprised. HP is still making a profit?

A poll says that Hillary Clinton is at her lowest favorability rating in the past seven years. Although as she already knows, the best way to get your favorability ratings to crash is to spend eight years in the White House.

The Clinton Foundation has disclosed it has received another $26 Million in additional undisclosed donations. Which were made public when George Stephanopoulos revealed the latest statement from his checking account.

Rick Santorum says the Fox News debate rules are arbitrary and unfair to voters. Which to be fair is pretty much just keeping in line with their prime time programming.

Osama bin Laden was reportedly considering leaving his compound in Pakistan. Apparently he got tired of living in a man cave and wanted to go back to the good old days when he was just a man living in a cave.

That’s it for now, Oh faithful Readers! This weekend is Memorial Day, the day we set aside to honor all those who died while trying to race down the highway and beat everyone else to their destination for a three day weekend. And the soldiers who died defending those peoples’ right to drive in excess of 85 mph. I am planning on enjoying the holiday weekend by taking off Monday, so my next batch of stale jokes will be here Tuesday. I hope you all have a great holiday weekend, and take the time to remember those who died fighting for our freedom to write mediocre humor. And while you are at it, don’t forget to take the time to also remember to send the love!

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