Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

America’s biggest ranch, a half million acre spread in Texas has been put on sale for $725 Million. The owners are reportedly ready to divest their holdings, are tired of the upkeep and figure the federal government is going to confiscate the land as part of Jade Helm 15 anyway.

 America’s biggest ranch, a half million acre spread in Texas has been put on sale for $725 Million. If that is too much of a yard to upkeep, you can go to southern California where the same price will still get you a two bedroom fixer upper on a half lot in Pacoima.

HSBC will start changing customers to hold deposits in savings accounts. To which most Americans are asking “What’s a savings account?”

HSBC will start changing customers to hold deposits in savings accounts. It only applies to customers who have enough money where stuffing it all into their mattress makes for an uncomfortable night’s sleep.

HSBC will start changing customers to hold deposits in savings accounts. It’s for people who are getting old enough that they can’t remember where they buried all the tomato cans full of cash in the yard.

A study says that boys who smoke marijuana tend to be four inches shorter on average than their non-smoking peers. Which means if it wasn’t for pot, the average NBA player would be 7’5”.


A study says that boys who smoke marijuana tend to be four inches shorter on average than their non-smoking peers. Which brings up the question of back in the day, just how much weed was Spud Webb smoking?
 
New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft says he will “reluctantly” accept the NFL’s discipline over “Deflategate.” Just like he will “reluctantly” open up a $500 bottle of Champagne along with a Cuban cigar and imported caviar while he polishes the Lombardi Trophy and prays for forgiveness.

A study says that one in seven people on the planet still live without electricity. No one had any idea that the Long Island Power Authority had that many customers.

Japanese airbag maker Takata has expanded its recall in the U.S. to 34 Million vehicles. To which GM finally had to give in and say “Bravo!”

A poll says that 46% of Americans say they want George Stephanopoulos to be banned from campaign coverage because it was revealed he donated $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation. The other 54% want him banned because they are already tired of nonstop TV coverage of a presidential race that is still a year and a half down the road.

KFC is planning on bringing back former “SNL” star Darrell Hammond to play Colonel Sanders in some upcoming ads. People were surprised at the resurrection. “Darrell Hammond is still around?”

The U.S. says that North Korea is still years away from being able to launch missiles from submarines. Mostly because it looks like they are not even close to their goal of providing country wide indoor plumbing.

The White House is pushing a plan to save bees and other pollinators. Which is more good news for the biggest cross pollinator in the country, Kevin Federline.

A surge in home construction is reportedly lifting hopes for the U.S. economy with the most home starts in the past seven years. Mostly because the people who went into foreclosure seven years ago have waited the necessary time to clear it off their record before they try to lose it all again.

A report says that poor and minority college students are left with the most student debt. Which is good that the college experience brings everyone together no matter their race, religion or culture and leaves them all equally broke.

A report says that at the top 50 U.S. airports there are 38% more delays in the summer than winter. Mostly because that’s the time United Airlines is trying to catch up with the 38% of flights they canceled during the cold season.

A report says that Newark Liberty International Airport in New Jersey has the worst on time rate at 64%. Mostly because the pilots like to circle the airport a few times before landing just to let the passengers try to gradually get used to the smell.

The Los Angeles City Council voted to raise the city’s minimum wage to $15 an hour by 2020. Which means in another five years the workers will have enough money to afford the cost of living they had back in 1974.

A new table from Zero Energy Furniture reportedly keeps the room temperature at 71 degrees. It’s the first table that is able to bring down the room temperature other than the one Bill and Hillary ate breakfast at when she found out about Monica Lewinsky.

Four cancer charities are being accused of using $187 Million in donations on cruises, dating websites and new cars. The people running the charities are being charged with impersonating a Wall Street bank.

New energy drinks that are trying to appeal to gamers advertise they are made with more natural ingredients. The question is why does someone who sits on a couch all day playing video games need an energy drink in the first place?

An Ohio man is crediting Taylor Swift for inspiring him to lose 400 pounds. He saw how easy it was for her to lose 400 pounds in no time by just dumping her last three boyfriends.

A study says that pot smokers who use prescription painkillers don’t appear to increase their risk for alcohol or drug abuse. Mostly because by that point they are so stoned out of their minds they really don’t need to use anything else.

A study says that moms are better than dads at baby talk with young children. Mostly because the only time men use baby talk is when they are rolling dice, brushing their dog or sitting behind the wheel of a new sports car.

A survey says that the world has 1 Billion smokers and 240 Million alcohol abusers. No one had any idea that many people were now living in Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia.

A study says that playing with food helps preschoolers become less picky eaters. If you have seen any of our preschoolers lately, the last thing we need is to try to encourage them to actually eat any more.

A study says that playing with food helps preschoolers become less picky eaters. Which using that logic means maybe we should let them play with books so someday they may actually learn to read.

A study says that most Americans are still not using sunscreen. Mostly because most Americans haven’t gotten up off the couch to go outside more than three times since they reached drinking age.

A study says that NFL players who suffered concussions serious enough to lose consciousness are at risk of brain damage that could affect their memory later in life. Which is good news for any players who spent their whole career wearing a Cleveland Browns uniform.

Crayola is telling people to stop using its colored pencils for makeup and for people to use them as they were intended. Which was for members of Congress to write up all their proposed legislation.

A student at Guilford College in North Carolina had to miss her graduation ceremony when she gave birth to her son. The good news is that she now has a diploma that will allow her to get a good job so she can struggle for the next 18 years to put together his college fund.

A study says that one third of all Americans have heart risk factors. Meaning they live less than two miles from the nearest McDonald’s.

A study says that one third of all Americans have heart risk factors. The other two thirds have already graduated to full blown heart disease.

A study says that one third of all Americans have heart risk factors. When people were told, it was such a shock they almost dropped their cigarette, beer and Big Mac.

Honey Boo Boo’s mother Mama June made a personal appearance at a Florida strip club. Apparently she wanted to show Honey Boo Boo her other career possibilities if the waitress gig at Waffle House doesn’t work out.

The world’s smallest theater has opened in New York City, a four by eight foot room called “Theatre For One.” The worst part is they still couldn’t sell it out for the latest Adam Sandler movie.

Sandra Bullock says the new “Magic Mike” movie trailer “made her ovulate.” Or more likely the 50 year old mistook getting heated up for what was really just her first hot flash.

A report says the L.A. Clippers Chris Paul and DeAndre Jordan clashed over Jordan’s lack of commitment to working on his free throws. Which means it is a good thing that Paul was never on the same team with Shaquille O’Neal.

Floyd Mayweather says that if people want to be upset with his latest fight, they should blame Manny Pacquiao. Actually, they should blame themselves for paying $100 for a pay-per-view fight that makes paying $8 for an Adam Sandler movie a bargain.

The Fresno Grizzles 3A baseball team is offering a “Frankenslice” pizza with hot dogs baked into the crust. Any fans who can eat a whole pizza get to be carted off on the seventh inning stretcher.

NFL owners have voted to move extra point kicks back to the 15 yard line. Which doesn’t really apply to the Oakland Raiders who still couldn’t make a touchdown if they moved the end zone to the 15 yard line.

NFL owners have voted to move extra point kicks back to the 15 yard line. Which means the percentage of PATs made could drop from 99.5% all the way down to 99.2%.

President Obama picked up 1 Million Twitter followers in just five hours after his new @POTUS account opened. It was good to see there are so many people interested in getting daily updates on what the President is eating for breakfast.

Wal-Mart profits dropped after they gave their store employees a pay raise. Apparently Wal-Mart executives are still sore about having to actually pay their workers a decent wage, saying they are just going to go out and spend it all on food and clothes and stuff.

Wal-Mart profits dropped after they gave their store employees a pay raise. It was especially tough on corporate accountants who had to scour the ledger to find out where to actually put in an entry for money given out as workers’ salaries.

The FBI is warning people that seeking love online can lead to fraud. And that is just with the dating profile of anyone who has signed up on Match.com.

The FBI is warning people that seeking love online can lead to fraud. They say it is much safer to find love after becoming financially independent, and the best way is to first go online and make a fortune through this one Nigerian prince they know.

A study says that 17% of people take selfies or other pictures while they are driving. The most common one they usually take is the selfie of themselves going into the oak tree they are about to hit when the look up from texting behind the wheel.

A study says that 17% of people take selfies or other pictures while they are driving. The other 83% haven’t yet figured out how to take pictures with their cellphone while they are still in texting mode.

A poll says that Republican voters are happy with their 2016 options. Mostly because Mitt Romney and John McCain are not going to declare this time.

A poll says that Republican voters are happy with their 2016 options. Mostly because they figure out of the 50 candidates who have already announced they are running, there has to be at least one person they can stomach pulling the lever for.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I haven’t had a chance to post yet on this, but last week the world of Blues lost a great one in B.B. King. I saw him perform at the Greek Theater in L.A. several years ago with another great we lost some time back, Stevie Ray Vaughan. Although Vaughan was much bigger then, out of deference to King he was the opening act. Now they are both gone. Ugh. King wasn’t blazing fast like the other Blues greats but he was a big influence on all of them with his stylized playing techniques. The Thrill is Gone, and so is King. The best way to pay tribute is to listen to the greatest music around. Put on some Blues for awhile. It’s the best music around. And when you get a break between songs, make sure to take some time and remember to always send the love!

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