Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Secretary of State John Kerry says the Internet “needs rules to flourish and work properly.” So what kinds of rules do people need to post pictures of what they are eating, view endless cat videos and watch porn all day?

Secretary of State John Kerry says the Internet “needs rules to flourish and work properly.” Especially since most of what is on the Internet is right wing websites who are criticizing everything Kerry is doing with foreign policy.

Saudi Arabia is advertising for eight executioners because of an increase of beheadings under the new king. It’s the only place where new employees are being hired at the same time heads are being chopped.

Saudi Arabia is advertising for eight executioners because of an increase of beheadings under the new king. The government has even gone so far as to have all the prospective job seekers represented by a head hunter.

David Letterman said in an interview about the upcoming end of his late night talk show that he is “naked and afraid.” Which are the same two words that were used to describe their experiences on the show by his interns back in the 1990s.

A Nigerian restaurant was shut down after it was discovered to be selling human flesh. People were shocked to find out that when they ordered calf meat, they were getting the meat from some guy’s calf.

A Nigerian restaurant was shut down after it was discovered to be selling human flesh. Customers don’t even want to know what they were getting when they ordered the “McNuggets.”

The California drought is so bad, a report says that some toddlers have never seen rain. Which is nowhere near as long as the dry spell that goes back to 1970 for the L.A. Clippers fans.

The California drought is so bad, a report says that some toddlers have never seen rain. Which is no big deal as neither have most middle aged people living in Pahrump, Nevada.

A Florida woman is attempting to row a boat from Japan to San Francisco. The woman says she is daring but still didn’t have the courage to book the same trip on a Carnival cruise ship.

A Florida woman is attempting to row a boat from Japan to San Francisco. So far she says the worst part is having someone along who is constantly yelling “stroke!, stroke!” into a megaphone the whole trip.

A poll says that only 26% of Americans are satisfied with the direction of the U.S. The other 74% are old enough to remember what it is like to be headed in a direction other than straight down.

The federal government is targeting what they call “troubling practices” with college debit cards. Although how much of a difference is it going to make to add a few snacks from the campus convenience store to a tuition loan that is already over $200,000?

The IMF says using fossil fuels comes with a hidden yearly cost of $5.3 Trillion for the effects of air pollution and climate change. Which comes out to about $400,000 if you don’t include the cost of cleaning up all of BP’s monthly disasters.

A report says the hardest jobs to fill in the U.S. are trade occupations like butchers, mechanics and electricians. Especially the ones that are advertised as metaphors for mob hit men.

Investor Carl Icahn says that Apple’s stock is undervalued at its current $130 a share and is really worth about $240. In other words, Icahn is trying to get someone to take the stock off his hands that he knows is worth more like $75 a share.

President Obama finally has his own Twitter account @POTUS. Apparently he found out about the social media site just recently through Ask Jeeves.

President Obama finally has his own Twitter account @POTUS.  The only problem is when he tries to update everyone on the national deficit that doesn’t fit on a format with only 140 characters.

Target is shifting away from packaged goods in its grocery section. The only problem is that when you are selling mostly flat screen TVs and Mom jeans, you have to also meet the demand for the macaroni and cheese that goes along with them.

American Pharoah could reportedly command stud fees of $100,000 a foal if he wins the Triple Crown. Which is exactly the same amount that was eventually paid out by Britney Spears to Kevin Federline for the same thing.

A study says that most people have no idea what income inequality really looks like. Mostly because they are pretty much insolvent and live around and work with other people who are just as broke.

Nissan’s CEO says that the company will be ready with autonomous cars by 2020. GM is reportedly beating them to the punch with cars that will be able to drive themselves back to the dealer every time there is a recall.

Financial experts say that privatizing Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac would lead to an increase in mortgage rates. Mostly as a result of not being able to have the federal government pay for the cost of handling all their foreclosed loans.
 

Several startups are selling on demand alcohol to people through their smartphones. Which is good because it means people who want to drink and drive will be using their smartphones for something other than texting while they are behind the wheel.

A federal court says that it is OK for other companies to copy the iPhone design. Mostly because apparently no one else would have ever thought of creating a smartphone that is rectangular in shape and is thin enough to fit inside a pocket.

A report says that summer air travel will be a record breaker. Especially for United Airlines which will be booking new flights while still trying to get all the people back home who started their trips back in the spring.

A report says that summer air travel will be a record breaker, with a 5% increase expected over last year. The worst part is paying extra to book a flight with the private room with the flip top seat only to find out you are sitting on the toilet.

The federal government is ordering Fiat Chrysler to defend the pace of 20 recalls involving 10 Million cars. Auto industry experts were shocked. 10 Million people have bought a Chrysler?

Univision’s new campaign is telling viewers “everything is possible.” Mostly because who would have thought thirty years ago that one day they would be beating out all the programming on CBS, NBC, ABC and Fox?

India claims it will become the world’s fastest growing large economy this year. Mostly because the U. S. economy is no longer considered growing, fast or large at this point.

GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio has cashed out a $68,000 IRA account for personal expenses, including a new refrigerator. Which was a surprise in that no one thought Rubio’s campaign would be running longer than his appliances.

GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio has cashed out a $68,000 IRA account for personal expenses, including a new refrigerator. Which shows the confidence level of the candidates. Rubio is doing improvements on his own home while Hillary Clinton is already measuring the White House drapes.

GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio has cashed out a $68,000 IRA account for personal expenses, including a new refrigerator. Which could be cutting his own throat since if he is elected to the presidency, the first thing he is going to do will be wipe out Social Security.

A study says that depression is tied to an increase in the risk of stroke, even if the symptoms ease. Which they do after having the stroke since the person no longer has to worry about their finances since the medical bills will take everything they own.

A survey says that most kids around the world are happy regardless of their material wealth. Which means that children are satisfied whether they are wearing a brand new pair of Nikes their parents bought them or if they have just sewn together 400 pairs and got paid 32 cents to do it.

A survey says the happiest kids in the world live in Romania and Turkey. Mostly because they realize if they were just a few miles down the road they could be living in the Ukraine.

A study says that the obesity rate for children entering kindergarten has increased since 1998 for all except those from the wealthiest families. Mostly because those are the children whose parents can afford to let them celebrate their preschool graduation with a few sessions at the liposuction clinic.

A study has come up with an explanation for why there are men, which has to do with sexual selection that helps species ward off diseases and extinction. The good news is for most people alive in the world, instead of picking a mate based on health and survival our mothers instead chose a mate in a haze of blackout binge drinking.

The FDA is considering expanding tests for drug residues in milk. Which is good news, especially if they post the drugs on the milk cartons so people who lost their health insurance can fill out all the prescription they can no longer afford.

A study says that humans have lighter bones than our ancestors. Mostly because our skeletons are just getting in the way of the final evolutionary phase that allows us to mold ourselves into the shape of the couch we now inhabit 24 hours a day.

A study says that ballet is not as good for kids’ exercise as hip hop. Except for the boys who walk outside in their leotards and have to run really fast in order to avoid getting pounded by the hip hop kids every day.

Bruce Jenner says he plans to transform fully into becoming a woman this spring. In other words, he is pretty much going through puberty all over again.

Bruce Jenner admits that he stole some of Kim Kardashian’s clothes. To which many viewers of “The Kardashians” were surprised to hear. Kim Kardashian wears clothes?

Bruce Jenner admits that he stole some of Kim Kardashian’s clothes. Although that came to an abrupt halt when he noticed Kanye West kept constantly winking at him.

A 17 year old student from Canada won a $75,000 prize for inventing a system that keeps germs from spreading on planes. Forget that, how about a system that keeps germs from spreading around the rooms of 17 year olds?

A 17 year old student from Canada won a $75,000 prize for inventing a system that keeps germs from spreading on planes. The airlines already have a plan for that. They make sure all the germs on passengers’ cash are all collected in fees before the people even get close to boarding.

Getaround, an app that allows people to rent strangers’ cars has launched in Washington, D.C. The bad part is that President Obama can’t go anywhere because all 17 GOP presidential candidates keep renting the presidential limo so they can get an idea what it will feel like to be chauffeured around when they get into the White House.

A study says that rats will rescue a friend in distress. Which is proven every day when members of Congress hold fundraisers for all their colleagues who are up for reelection.

Experts say that a hacker’s claim that he was able to take over a flight’s engine controls through an infotainment box is “unlikely.” Although some aviation professionals are suspicious since they know the planes’ controls are iPad accessible so the pilots can fly the plane while still playing “Candy Crush.”

Microsoft says they expect Windows 10 to be available on 410 Million PCs within 18 months. Mostly the ones that have been sitting unused in a desk drawer since they were originally equipped with Windows Vista.

A survey says that most Americans want changes made to Patriot Act surveillance. At least that’s what the NSA says people are talking about on their private e-mail accounts.

The FTC says that RadioShack’s plan to sell customers’ data could be illegal. Especially where people fear they could be blackmailed over being revealed as someone who shopped at RadioShack.

The WTO says that shoppers could soon have difficulty finding the origin of where their red meat comes from. To which Taco Bell is saying “and that is a bad thing how?”

The WTO says that shoppers could soon have difficulty finding the origin of where their red meat comes from. Which might explain Wal-Mart’s slogan “The taste of beef at raccoon prices.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the Clippers were eliminated from the NBA playoffs this past weekend. Which is good that they have been able to now hold off their biggest choking until the conference semifinals instead of the season opener. Now Angeleno sports fans can relax and not have to worry about any more choking until the Dodgers make the playoffs in October. That’s a nice break. If you by chance get a break sometime in your busy day, it would be nice to hear from you. Just send me an e-mail anytime. I would love to hear your comments, especially when it is to see that you are sending the love!

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