Thursday, May 14, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The chief economist at HSBC says the world economy faces a “titanic problem.” Which is ironic coming from one of the major banks, which were pretty much responsible for making the economy like the Titanic in the first place.

A survey says that 40% of all bee hives died in the past year. It was a bad year for bees. Not only that, but Univision’s “Sabado Gigante” was canceled so there are all kinds of guys in bee costumes in line at the unemployment office.

Microsoft says the average person’s attention span is eight seconds. Sorry, there’s a squirrel outside and I forgot what I was saying.

Microsoft says the average person’s attention span is eight seconds. Mostly from people sitting around playing video games all day on consoles like Microsoft’s Xbox.

The top adviser to Pope Francis I blasted U.S. climate skeptics, blaming capitalism for their views. Which means Al Gore could be on the comeback trail as his hat is now back in the ring for being nominated as a Cardinal.

Stephen Hawking says that computers will overtake humans within 100 years. Which is an interesting statement coming from someone who wouldn’t be able to speak without his keyboard-activated synthesized voice.

Stephen Hawking says that computers will overtake humans within 100 years. He would see he is only about 101 years off if he would look at everyone under 30 who can’t go more than 30 seconds without gazing blankly into the screen of their smartphone.

Elon Musk says that Google co-founder Larry Page could “produce something evil by accident.” He already has, if you consider the fact that he started Google.

UK doctors are being urged to not overtest their patients. Apparently medical experts feel if anyone can live off a diet of haggis, jellied eels and Marmite they are pretty much immune from anything else that is going to make them sick.

The CEO of Qatar Air is complaining of what he calls “bullying tactics” of U.S. airlines. If he thinks they are tough in the boardroom, just wait until he tries to reschedule a canceled flight on United Airlines.

The U.S. Olympic 4x100m relay team has been stripped of its silver medal from the 2012 London Olympics. Which is unfortunate for the members of the relay team, which is just slightly more lucrative and marketable than the badminton, water polo and fencing teams.

Facebook has a new rule that any vendors doing business with them must pay their employees at least $15 an hour. Fortunately, the rule exempts Mark Zuckerberg who can continue to pay $7.25 an hour to his domestic staff, lawn crew and pool boy.

A survey says that one third of all sales of children’s hydration drink Pedialyte are for adults, mostly for hangovers. Especially when they got so drunk they ate three jars of Gerber’s strained peas for a midnight snack.

Wal-Mart says it will test unlimited shipping for online shoppers for $50 a year. Which is great news for the three Wal-Mart shoppers who actually have a computer with Internet access.

Wal-Mart says it will test unlimited shipping for online shoppers for $50 a year. Which would work better if the average Wal-Mart shopper had a yearly shopping budget of more than $30.

The CEO of Frontier Airlines has resigned. The airline was recently designated the worst airline for customer service. Apparently the CEO felt that once he beat United Airlines at their own game, there was nothing left to accomplish.

Hackers are now reportedly stealing money by draining bank accounts through people’s Starbucks apps. Mostly because all it takes to get away with several thousand dollars is to make a transfer to pay for three large decaf mocha lattes.

Japan’s top three carmakers are expanding their recall for Takata airbags to another 11 Million vehicles. GM made an official response to the recalls which now total more than 36 Million worldwide. “Amateurs!”

The AFL-CIO says that CEOs in the U.S. make 373 times more than their workers. To which the CEOs responded by saying it’s not really that bad, that they would only really be making about 200 times what their workers take home if they actually paid them a livable wage.

The AFL-CIO says that CEOs in the U.S. make 373 times more than their workers. To which some CEOs are saying that at least they have eliminated the gender pay gap and it is now 373 times more than what they pay both men and women.

The RadioShack name and customer data has sold for $26.2 Million. The only question is why would anyone pay $26.2 Million for a name and a list of customers that combined to make a $329 Million bankruptcy?

President Obama says the U.S. has an extraordinary relationship with the Saudis. Mostly for the fact that they are the one nation with oil we haven’t invaded yet.

KitKat is changing its name on 600 Thousand candy bars to “YouTube Break” as part of a tie-in with Google. That and the fact that most people who eat KitKats do so while they are sitting around all day watching cat videos on YouTube.

A survey says that 19% of Americans over 65 have no teeth at all. Which means if you want to hear a lot of whistling just step into a Social Security office in Alabama.

A study says that people who quit smoking when they have angioplasty have better outcomes. Although not quite as good as the people who never needed angioplasty because they don’t smoke.

A study says the western mountain states have a high suicide rate possibly because of the thinner air. Either that or because there are plenty of mountains around for depressed people to jump off.

A study says a two minute walk every hour offsets the effects of sitting all day. Except for the people who use their two minutes to walk back and forth to the refrigerator.

A report says that a half million Americans take home at least $50,000 in prescription drugs every year. Half of that amount is for their illnesses, the other half for medication for the depression they suffer from spending all their money at the pharmacy.

A study says that poor sleep is tied to heat fatigue. Mostly from tossing and turning wondering how they are going to get enough money to be able to turn the air conditioner back on.

A study says that long-term depression over the age of 50 can double the risk of having a stroke. Mostly from people who are over age 50 and worry about losing their job and health insurance and going bankrupt if they have a stroke.

A study says that a quarter of elderly Americans use a cane and have a greater fear they will cause them to fall. Especially the ones who lose their balance when they use their canes to swing at the kids who are playing on their lawn.

“America’s Got Talent” host Nick Cannon says as a child he wanted to go into the armed forces. Now he wishes more than ever he had training in hand-to-hand combat when it came to working with David Hasselhoff, Sharon Osbourne and Howard Stern.

Jennifer Aniston says she hated the Rachel haircut she had while on “Friends,” saying it was hard to maintain. But not as much as having six divas starring on the same show who were constantly looking for more camera time than their co-stars.

A report says there is no consensus among NBA GMs to change the “Hack-a-Shaq” rules about fouling players who are poor free throw shooters. A better question would be how does anyone who can’t make a free throw make it into the NBA in the first place?

UAB is reportedly going to decide what to do about their football program, having eliminated it last year. Apparently the administration realizes that having a football team was the only way to get anyone to enroll without fully checking into the school’s academic status.

UAB is reportedly going to decide what to do about their football program, having eliminated it last year along with the rifle and bowling team. Although there was some confusion about the other two sports. In Alabama, aren’t bowling and rifle pretty much a combined activity?

The NFL is reportedly considering three proposed changes to the extra point rule. Which the management of the Raiders is saying they have no input since none of them would actually ever apply to their team.

The NCAA says attendance is down across the board for college football. Mostly from students who figure by putting the money they would be spending away for their tuition, they will be able to have a chance to pay off their student loans before they are 50.

The Catholic Church in San Francisco is using a digital collection plate so people can make their donations using their smartphones. Apparently the Church came up with the idea after seeing how people were pretty much making daily posts on Facebook their version of going to confession.

The Catholic Church in San Francisco is using a digital collection plate so people can make their donations using their smartphones. Apparently the Church decided to get involved after seeing how parishioners were already tithing every month to Verizon, Sprint and AT&T.

The FAA says that Washington, D.C. is a no drone zone. Apparently none of the administration officials at the FAA have ever made it to a congressional hearing.

An Apple store in Monterey, California was evacuated after a package sickened employees. The last time an Apple package made anyone sick was when the executives at Microsoft got their first shipment of iPhones.

Scientists say they are working on a circuit that mimics the human brain to be used to help computers learn. Which means if it is modeled after a man’s brain it will take a fraction of a second to be able to access millions of online porn sites.

A poll says that the approval rate of Congress is still near historic lows at 19%. Which is good news because imagine how much people would hate them if they got over their gridlock and were actually able to get anything accomplished?

That’s it for now. Oh Faithful Readers! Only two days left until the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation’s Great Strides Walk. I am involved because the illness took my lovely wife, Karen four years ago and I want to make it possible to find a cure so that the people who are still fighting it have a chance for a long and healthy life. I am asking you to click on the picture of me and Karen which will take you to the CFF website. Any donation you make will be very much appreciated. This could be your way to show you really want to send the love!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Come on, fellow Jim Barach blog readers. It's time to give back--Jim makes us all laugh,that's why we read it. If you use Jim's jokes on your radio show, you especially should help out--his blog is work hundreds of dollars a year. A $20 or $50 donation to his cause won't hurt, OK?