Sunday, March 08, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Justice Department is reportedly going to bring corruption charges against New Jersey Senator Robert Menendez, who says “I’m not going anywhere.” Which is true, especially if he is convicted and they put him inside an 8x12 cell.

The Justice Department is reportedly going to bring corruption charges against New Jersey Senator Robert Menendez. The evidence is overwhelming. He is a) a politician and b) from New Jersey.

The Apple Watch gold edition will reportedly sell for $10,000. The watch will let the buyer know that it is time to let someone else start handing their financial decisions.

Beijing says it will try to cap its population at 23 Million by 2020. Isn’t 23 Million people a little late to start worrying about population control? That’s like the U.S. starting to become concerned about the national debt now that it is up to $17 Trillion.

An upstate New York radio station is going to play Christmas music all year. After this winter, they feel it will make people feel better to hear some seasonal tunes while they are still shoveling the snow off their sidewalks in July.

A study says that each hour of sitting every day increases the chance of heart disease by 14%. Which means you should try to move to a spot near the office defibrillator right around 4:00 in the afternoon.

The jobs report says that wages grew by 0.1% in February. Which means that several people said they found a penny in the company parking lot.

The CIA says it will go through a major reorganization. Apparently the spy agency has decided it is time to start spying on people in countries other than the U.S.

A Chinese documentary on pollution has been taken offline. When the government said they film inspired them to clean things up, people had no idea they were talking about the Internet.

A Chinese documentary on pollution has been taken offline. Apparently the government determined since it was about pollution, it qualified to be censored on the grounds it was too dirty.

Red Bull energy drinks will offer selections with new flavors and no calories. The new flavors are Jittery Java, Shaky Sherry and Nervous Nutmeg.

A panic broke out among journalists and economists after the Bureau of Labor Statistics last week sent out its monthly jobs report 62 seconds late. The ironic part is that the mistake led to one more job posting for next week.

The TSA found a live chihuahua inside a checked suitcase at LaGuardia Airport in New York. It was given the OK when the owner said they were keeping it there to guard the guns and drugs they had hidden away inside the bag.

NOAA says this was the 19th warmest winter ever in the U.S. Which is why people in Boston have been able to wear shorts while they are out shoveling the 6 foot high snow drifts off their front porch.

David Hasselhoff is selling his California home for $2.3 Million. It even comes with a new dining carpet especially made for eating hamburgers off the living room floor.

David Hasselhoff is selling his California home for $2.3 Million. Not to say he may be losing it, but the house is listed as having six bedrooms, one of those being the garage that he calls “KITT’s room.”

The Dow Jones Industrial Average has replaced AT&T with Apple. Apparently the idea was to reflect the market more accurately by using stocks that people actually still want to buy.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average has replaced AT&T with Apple. Apparently the DOW wanted to use companies that were more in tune with modern technology. Which shocked executives at AT&T when the news arrived on their ticker tape machine.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average has replaced AT&T with Apple. AT&T had been on the Dow since 1916. Which coincidentally is the last time one of their customers actually had a phone call go through.

The California job boom is stronger than was first thought, with the unemployment rate dropping to a six year low. Although 22 of those jobs moving into the state are based on the assumption the NFL is actually going to bring a team back to L.A. one of these years.

The makers of TurboTax say they have received inquiries from the federal government about a spike in fraudulent tax return filings. Government agents were tipped off when people started sending in returns that claimed they actually had an income.

The unemployment rate in the U.S. has dropped to a 7 year low of 5.5%, although that is attributed to more people giving up on finding work. Labor experts were surprised. There is still 5.5% of the population who think they have a chance at finding a job?

Fiat Chrysler paid its CEO $72 Million in 2014, right before announcing a recall of more than 700,000 vehicles. Apparently the company was rewarding their top executive for being able to sucker that many people into buying a Chrysler.

Fiat Chrysler is recalling more than 700,000 vehicles because of a bad ignition switch. Which is a good thing, because it isn’t until the car actually starts that all the real problems with their cars start showing up.

Studies show that Daylight Saving Time actually costs more by using extra energy. Which finally at least proves the old saying that time really is money.

Studies show that Daylight Saving Time actually costs more by using extra energy. Not only that, but it gave Wall Street banks an hour less to gouge even more money out of the pockets of all Americans.

Studies show that Daylight Saving Time actually costs more by using extra energy. Although it really saves money by giving Congress an hour less to waste even more taxpayer dollars.

Daylight Saving Time started over the weekend. People in the northeast were happy to move their clocks forward out of “Ice Age.”

Daylight Saving Time started over the weekend. Which is different than what happens in Chicago every April when Cubs fans move their clocks forward one week to “mathematical elimination.”

A study says that hot flashes could be a warning sign of heart trouble for women. Mostly from the stress of realizing they are in menopause and will soon have to deal with their husband’s midlife crisis.

Classes are being given in Iowa on how to carry a baby and pack a handgun safely at the same time. Although it is still a tough call as to which is a more deadly weapon, a chambered Glock or a loaded diaper.

Classes are being given in Iowa on how to carry a baby and pack a handgun safely at the same time. It’s for well endowed mothers who like to have one pair of 38s for self defense and the other for breast feeding.

A new app helps people lose weight by shaming them. Don’t we already have that? It’s called online dating sites.

A study says that short naps may improve the health of people who are not getting enough sleep. Is that such a breakthrough? What’s next, coming up with the idea for snacks for people who aren’t eating enough food?

A Kentucky school has added ice cream to its menu after nutritional lunches didn’t sell with students. Mostly because for most kids, the daily servings of fruit and dairy is taken care of with a helping of apple pie a la mode.

British scientists say they want to conduct the first study of people who are tripping on LSD. Hasn’t that already been done? It’s called the 1960s.

A study says the risk of heart attack rises during Daylight Saving Time. Mostly when men forget to set their clocks forward and are caught sneaking into the bedroom while their wives are still awake.

Amal Clooney has joined the faculty of a New York law school, lecturing on human rights. Mostly on how the best way to insure being treated well is to be a smart and beautiful woman who has just married one of the top movies stars in the world.

Kim Kardashian had a nude photo shoot so she says she can remember what her body looked like before she has a second pregnancy. Apparently she somehow lost the other 5,000 nude pictures she has already posted on the Internet.

Madonna says working out saved her from being injured during her recent fall while performing. The 56 year old singer also credited pressing her Life-Alert button while yelling out “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”

Kim Kardashian complained she is having sex with Kanye West “like 500 times a day.” The way Kanye West is able to perform that many times is by fantasizing he is with Kanye West.

An NTSB investigator says about the Harrison Ford plane crash, anytime someone survives a crash “is a good day.” In the aviation world, the odds of that are only surpassed by having a United Airlines flight that takes off and lands safely on time.

Kelly Clarkson says she dated Justin Guarini during the making of “From Justin To Kelly.” She says she still saw him occasionally after that, but only when she went out and he brought her car back from valet parking.

Alec Baldwin will play the Mayor of New York City in an upcoming series on HBO. Anyone who wants to see previews of what it would be like with Baldwin in charge of a major city can just look up the World War II documentaries on The History Channel.

Harrison Ford reportedly suffered a broken pelvis and ankle along with cuts and gashes on his head during his plane crash last week. It turns out the 72 year old actor was taking flying lessons from Billy Joel.

Harrison Ford reportedly suffered a broken pelvis and ankle along with cuts and gashes on his head during his plane crash on a golf course last week. And that was just from the foursome in front of him who thought he was trying to play through.

Jeff Gordon will meet with NASCAR officials to talk about track safety after crashing his car last week. More importantly, other drivers want to know how he can take off his racing helmet after four hours and still have perfect hair.

Archaeologists have uncovered a 15,000 year old stone tool in Oregon. The best part is they were still able to take it replaced by the Craftsman lifetime warranty at Sears.

Scientists opened two bottles of beer found on a 170 year old shipwreck off the coast of Finland and said they tasted like modern beer. The one thing that the discovery shows is that the ship must have gone down incredibly fast for the crew to leave without grabbing all the beer.

Plaxico Burress is reportedly offering investment seminars to athletes in Florida. Financial experts are just wondering if he knows enough about finances to hold classes about it or will just end up shooting himself in the foot.

T-Mobile is promising to unveil a “real piece of work” late this month at an event in New York. Until now, a real piece of work in the mobile communications business usually refers to anything dealing with AT&T.


An English teenager has been found guilty of stabbing three women because he was angry about not being able to lose his virginity. When he is sent to prison he will learn to be careful about what you wish for.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is now Daylight Saving Time. That gives all of you an extra hour of daylight to read these jokes and try to figure out what they even mean. It also means I had an hour less time to write them which probably doesn’t make any difference. I just hope you have enough time left in your busy schedules with the clock change to still be able to send the love!

No comments: