Friday, March 06, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Census Bureau says that white children will be a minority by 2020. Except the ones that are morbidly obese by then.

A columnist for the Hollywood Reporter says social media is the “great wasteland” of the modern age. Although no one actually paid any attention to what he said because it wasn’t posted along with a cat picture on Facebook.

Samsung has launched a dog house that is selling for $31,000. Which is ironic in that the person who will really be in the dog house is the man who explains to his wife how he just spent $31,000 on a kennel for their poodle.

A Texas couple says they were “terrorized” by fraternity members living next door. Although authorities say in the future the couple might want to consider buying a home that isn’t in a neighborhood where all the other homes have large Greek letters hanging on the outside.

Ringling Brothers says it is planning on phasing out all its elephant acts. The only problem is finding any other performers who will work for peanuts.

Ringling Brothers says it is planning on phasing out all its elephant acts. Although it just won’t have the same effect to see a bunch of clowns taking their place parading around the ring in a conga line.

Ringling Brothers says it is planning on phasing out all its elephant acts. Apparently they became concerned when schools reported that students’ number one answer to what the natural habitat is for elephants was “a large tent.”

Experts say that health data entered into apps on smartphones is raising privacy concerns. Although privacy can’t be that much of an issue with the people who keep all that information stored right next to all their naked selfies.

A report says that dentists may soon start screening patients for diabetes. Especially the ones whose teeth have already started to rot from a diet of candy, cake and soda.

A Delta Airlines flight skidded off the runway at LaGuardia airport in New York. To which United comforted its passengers saying the same thing could have happened to them if the airline had any flights that weren’t actually canceled.

A new online dating app called Lexy caters to the 1%. Although if young women wanted to be incessantly pawed at by wealthy old letches they would just get a job working in an office in Congress.

A report says that self driving cars will be in 30 cities by the end of next year. And not just the ones where the drivers are using their knees to hold the wheel while they eat a sandwich with one hand and are texting with the other.

A dozen sheriffs and county attorneys from three states are suing to overturn Colorado’s legalization of marijuana. To which Colorado’s Attorney General is saying the action is really harshing his mellow.

Amtrak says it may allow cats and dogs to ride on some of its trains. Besides providing companionship for the riders, it will also help keep down the rat and raccoon population inside the dining car.

Jobless claims have risen to the highest level in 9 months, partly blamed on the harsh winter. Except in Boston where anyone with two good arms and a snow shovel can be assured of steady work for the next six months.

A poll says that Americans see an improving job market but that the economy is still vulnerable. In other words, they have finally gotten back into the workforce but it is standing behind the counter at a 7-Eleven.

The company that sells Snuggies has settled a lawsuit claiming they deceived customers. Mostly because they were charging people $15 plus shipping for a blanket with sleeves.

The new Ford GT Supercar will sell for $400,000. It costs so much because it will be the first time that the words “Ford,” “super” and “car” will ever be used in the same sentence.

The new Ford GT Supercar will sell for $400,000. Which is amazing since before now the term “GT” when used with Ford used to mean “get towing.”

A report says that Millennials make the best public servants. Mostly because playing video games in their parents’ basement all day has taught them how to be rudely arrogant and pretend to be busy while people are waiting in line for service.

A report says the largest U.S. banks have passed the latest federal stress test. Although for most people, the only stress test involving a bank is when they look at their latest checking account statement to see if they are overdrawn yet.

A report says the largest U.S. banks have passed the latest federal stress test which determines if they have enough capital to withstand a depression. Although it pretty much stands to reason that the whole idea of a depression is when no one has any money to put in the bank.

Federal health authorities say the number of cavities in preschool children is falling. Mostly because their diet of candy, cake and soda has also dropped the number of the teeth they still have.

The FDA has backed an injection that reduces double chins. Which is ironic in that the reason most people have double chins in the first place is from the injection of the creme filling in their Twinkies.

A study says that teens who have trouble coping with stress are at risk of future heart trouble. Especially when they become adults and realize that worrying about acne and an upcoming math test is nothing compared with trying to figure out how to pay off your college debt, a mortgage and loans on two cars.

A study says that gout may shield people against Alzheimer’s Disease. Except for the ones who are convinced they have the disease because they are a 15th century nobleman.

The White House says it has no Plan B for Obamacare in the wake of the upcoming appeal to the Supreme Court. Although it would have been nice if they had ever come up with a Plan A.

A study says a veggie rich diet lowers the risk of heart disease. Although who wants to live longer if it means more years of eating tofu and quinoa for every meal?

UK researchers says the benefits of a drink a day is exaggerated. Although not as exaggerated as any Irish who say they only have one drink a day.

Some gyms are offering “cardio theaters” where people exercise while watching a movie. They got the idea from seeing people walk out of the movie theater five minutes into the Adam Sandler film they paid to see.

A study says that the consistency of the amount of sleep teenagers get determines weight gain. Especially because the longer they are awake, the longer they have to lie on the couch and eat junk food.

A study says that 1 in 8 households has an adult with a failing memory. Which is great because that is the person you can keep telling that it is their turn to wash the dishes.

A study says that 1 in 8 households has an adult with a failing memory. As opposed to a household with an adult who never forgets anything, also known as a “wife.”

A study says that kids in California are breathing easier than they did in the 1990s because of the reduction of air pollution. Also because the air they are breathing is mostly from their parents basement as they haven’t gone outside in more than 20 years.

Neil Patrick Harris says he doubts that he will return to host the Oscars. Although with the low ratings from the telecast, the odds of him being asked again are about the same as Adam Sandler needing to prepare an acceptance speech for Lifetime Achievement.

Harrison Ford was seriously injured when the plane he was flying crash landed on a golf course near L.A. Not to say he is getting old, but he radioed the tower asking why someone planted grass on runway 3.

Harrison Ford was seriously injured when the World War II plane he was flying crash landed on a golf course near L.A. Authorities say the vintage 1940s antique looks like it can be repaired. Although unfortunately, the plane is a total loss.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has been ordered to testify in a case filed by ticket holders who were left without seats for Super Bowl XLV. Apparently they needed several dozen extra seats after Jones put Chris Christie on the guest list.

New York Yankees GM Brian Cashman says that Derek Jeter should be the last Yankees captain ever. Alex Rodriguez has been mentioned as captain material, although usually when people are talking about the Titanic, Costa Concordia or Exxon Valdez.

An author says that Homer Simpson discovered the Higgs boson 14 years before scientists. When told that despite the equation, he missed out on a share of the 2013 Nobel Prize, Simpson said “D’oh!”

An author says that Homer Simpson discovered the Higgs boson 14 years before scientists. Although actually Simpson says he was actually looking for a solution to the problem asking what would actually happen if he ate Bart’s shorts.

Facebook is testing an automatic “reactivate” button for people who close their accounts. It’s to try to encourage people to come back after they realize they have nowhere to post pictures of every meal they have eaten in the past five days.

A study says that self driving cars could save $190 Billion a year in damage and health costs. And that is just when they are programmed to not turn into any McDonald’s drive-thru windows.

Google paid homage this week to Momofuku Ando, the man who invented instant Ramen noodles. Mostly because without Ramen noodles, starving computer nerds would not have been able to survive and create Google along with the rest of Silicon Valley as we know it.

Google is launching a tool that can sell car insurance. Apparently they are hedging their bets to try to make money just in case those self driving cars they are designing aren’t as good as they thought.

A study says that ISIS is adept at using social media, especially Twitter. Although they aren’t fooling anyone by constantly posting everything with the hashtag “deathtoAmericaninfidels.”

A study says that ISIS is adept at using social media, especially Twitter. Although they still have a ways to go in catching up with technology when they send out tweets that are just pictures of the most recent petroglyphs they have carved.

Chemists say they have developed self cleaning paints that can be applied to clothes, paper and glass. Which is great for when they find any actual need to use paint on clothes, paper or glass.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Been a rough week here with some pretty wild weather. Heavy rainfall followed by a huge snowstorm. Which really confused both sides in the global warming and global cooling debate. All I know is that the Sun has come back and it is time for the weekend. It’s time to rest and relax and hopefully go through all those e-mails that will be pouring in when you all remember to send the love!

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