Thursday, March 05, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A Japanese woman, the world's oldest person turned 117. Which means if she lived in the U.S. she would be just a few years shy of being able to seriously think about retirement.

A Japanese woman, the world's oldest person turned 117. She says her life seemed short. Which makes sense when you get that age and have trouble remembering all the way back to breakfast.

Jeb Bush has asked his large donors not to give him more than $1 Million right away. If he becomes President like his brother and dad he will want them to enjoy their money as long as they can before his economic policies take all the rest of it.

Two NFL champion players say they are donating their brains to science. Although scientists have turned down a similar offer from Pete Carroll after he showed it doesn't work all that well with his final play call in the Super Bowl.

Sony executive Amy Pascal's move to an office formerly used by Seth Rogen was delayed while the smell of marijuana is removed. Hollywood experts were surprised. What did Seth Rogen need an office for besides getting high?

Sony executive Amy Pascal's move to an office formerly used by Seth Rogen was delayed while the smell of marijuana is removed. Which is starting to explain how the whole idea of "The Interview" came about.

The first GOP Presidential debate is set to be held in Cleveland. Apparently the party figures only those candidates who are willing to do anything to become President will actually show up for a debate in Cleveland.

A report says there are $248 Billion invested in 529 college savings plans. Which is exactly enough to pay for a full four year degree for as many as 12 students.

A report says that 14% of new auto loans are for seven years. Which means the loans will last people roughly twice as long as the Chrysler they are buying.

The Gallo Glass Company in Modesto, California is being accused of using hazardous waste in its wine bottles. Although it is still less hazardous than actually drinking any Gallo wines.

The Gallo Glass Company in Modesto, California is being accused of using hazardous waste in its wine bottles. Which is still less harmful than trying to live in Modesto.

A survey says that women save far less than men for their retirement and are less likely to take risks with their investments. Mostly because they know their biggest risk is their husbands finding and spending any retirement money they have hidden away.

A report says that Tribune Company profits were down 54% in the fourth quarter. Financial experts were surprised. A newspaper company is still making profits?

Ride sharing site Uber is putting tablets for kids in hundreds of cars in the Washington, D.C. area. Apparently it’s for passengers whose two nannies and nursemaid can’t find enough gadgets and toys to keep their kid quiet during an entire two mile ride.

The inventor of Keurig K-Cups says he regrets the idea because they aren’t recyclable. And that he also wishes he wouldn’t have sold the rights to the idea so quickly that he wouldn’t have to collect recyclable aluminum cans as a way to make a living.

Transcripts from the Federal Reserve show that officials struggled in 2009 over how to boost the economy. Which if they would have seen it coming would have meant the rest of us wouldn’t still struggling with the economy today.

A report says the average car payment is $482 a month on a 4.56% loan. 4.56% is coincidentally also the odds of buying a GM car that won’t be sitting in the shop six months out of the year for the latest recall.

A report says the average car payment is $482 a month on a 4.56% loan. $482 is also the average amount of money spent on gas every month to fill the tank of the SUV the buyer is trying to pay off.

A poll says that one quarter of all people getting a pay raise say it has no effect on their feeling appreciated at work. The other three quarters feel even less appreciated when the company cut their pay to cover the other people’s raises.

A poll says that one quarter of all people getting a pay raise say it has no effect on their feeling appreciated at work. Mostly the ones who get a pay raise only when the minimum wage is increased.

A poll says that one quarter of all people getting a pay raise say it has no effect on their feeling appreciated at work. The other three quarters say they don’t feel appreciated at work because they haven’t actually had a job since 2007.

Ben & Jerry’s says they are open to a marijuana flavored ice cream. Which sounds about as appealing as pouring some bong residue over a bowl of Haagen Dazs.

Ben & Jerry’s says they are open to a marijuana flavored ice cream. Apparently the idea is to satisfy stoners who get the munchies and cut out the middle man.

A report says that workplace injuries are driving low income Americans deeper into poverty. Most of those injuries could be avoided if people would just wait until the french fries are out of the hot oil before grabbing a handful to eat.

A report says workers’ compensation payouts differ greatly from state to state. For example, the loss of an eye gets a payout of $27,000 in Alabama while Pennsylvania pays $261,000. As opposed to the Middle East where the cost of losing an eye is another eye.

A report says workers’ compensation payouts differ greatly from state to state. For example, the loss of an eye gets a payout of $27,000 in Alabama while Pennsylvania pays $261,000. Which makes it dangerous for all the people trying to drive from Alabama to Pennsylvania with the use of only one eye.

McDonald’s says it will only use chickens that have not been given antibiotics. Which is bad news for people whose health insurance prescription plan when they start to feel sick only covers the cost of an order of McNuggets.

A study says that 15% of two year olds in Boston drink coffee. You know it’s bad when the local Starbucks are offering mocha lattes in a sippy cup.

Therapists in New York City say that business is up during the long and cold winter. People aren’t feeling depressed, they just find it cheaper to pay for getting to lay down on a couch for an hour in a heated office.

The WHO says that Pakistan is the only country still spreading polio. Which is really bad for anyone planning on taking their vacation to Disneyland Islamabad.

A report says that 7% of children worldwide have ADHD. The other 93% are just hyper kids whose parents can’t afford to send them to a psychologist.

A study says that the fleas on rats in New York City subways are carrying the Bubonic plague. Although anyone in New York knows that Bubonic plague is around 17th place on the list of things that can kill you while riding the subways.

A study says the reason we shake hands is an interchange of odors called chemosignals. So all this time what was seen as a polite exchange has really just been a way to see what the other person has had for lunch.

Researchers say a popular antidepressant has the power to reverse heart failure. What’s more, the medication can also kick in to help the patient deal with their depression when they try to figure out how they are going to pay their prescription bills.

Bruce Jenner has reportedly bought a $3.6 Million mansion in Malibu. Apparently he was kicked out of his house when his ex-wife Kris finally got tired of him always wearing her favorite outfits.

Peyton Manning will take a $4 Million pay cut to quarterback the Denver Broncos in 2015. Apparently he is planning to make up the difference by making all his audible calls start out with “Omaha!,” “Papa John’s!” and “Nationwide!”

Royal St. George’s golf club in England is ending a 128 year ban on women members. Apparently many doors were opened for women in the world of golf ever since Elin Nordegren showed that a female can handle a 9 iron as well as any man.

Scientists have revealed the smallest form of life ever seen. Until now it had been a tossup between Tom Cruise, David Spade and Danny DeVito.

A laser procedure promises to change people’s eyes from brown to blue. The best part is going through the treatment and seeing your friends eyes turn green with envy.

A study says the Rocky Mountains are the best place to avoid becoming the walking dead in a zombie outbreak. Mostly the mountains of Colorado where pot is legal and it’s hard to tell who is a zombie and who is just stoned out of their mind.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says there are no plans for a Facebook car. Mostly because people don’t have time to drive anywhere while they are busy posting pictures of all the meals they have eaten that day on their Facebook page.

Wal-Mart says it believes mobile payments will be the future for its shoppers. Which means Wal-Mart customers will one day be paying from their mobile phones instead of the present where they are making payments from their mobile home.

Facebook has announced it wants to get better at detecting fake profiles. Although the best way is just to find pictures of a hot woman from another country who wants to friend a bunch of middle age men.

A security firm says that 2014 was a record year for malware. Although the firm has since retracted their statement, saying it was erroneously sent out after their site was hacked.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Rough day yesterday and today here in West Virginia. Which is usually only the case if you are a WVU fan. But this time it is the incredible amount of snow we are seeing following rain that caused widespread flooding. It was a long day yesterday and will be today but I still crank out the jokes for all of my great readers. Now all you have to do to make it all worthwhile for me is to always remember to send the love!

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