Wednesday, March 04, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says domestic spying by feds causes dropped calls and bad reception. Which means you are either being monitored by the NSA or have signed on with AT&T.

A study says there will be a massive doctor shortage in the U.S. by 2025. Mostly because the medical school graduating class that year will have all been turned down because they couldn’t finish high school without the ability to read and write after spending their secondary education years with a smartphone stuck to their face.

A report says that overuse of modern technology is linked to memory loss and depression. Especially when people become sad when they realize they can’t remember how to actually have a conversation with someone because their only “friends” are on Facebook.

Target is planning to lay off thousands of employees in a move to save money. Workers will soon realize that the bullseye drawn on their back is not just the store logo.

Al Gore reported for jury duty in Tennessee and was dismissed. Apparently he showed up wanting to see if he could get an appeal of Bush v. Gore.

A brawl reportedly broke out on the set of the latest sequel in the “Rocky” series. Or as that has been known as in all of the previous films, the final scene.

A brawl reportedly broke out on the set of the latest sequel in the “Rocky” series. Apparently, one of the boxers received a head injury and when he started talking with slurred speech Sylvester Stallone took offense thinking he was trying to imitate him.

CBS CEO Les Moonves says “People can’t live without CBS.” Which may be true, just like the average CBS viewer also can’t live without a walker, large type or a Life Alert button.

A town in Vermont is considering dropping the legal voting age to 16. Mostly because voters are hard to find as anyone living in Vermont is pretty much out of there the minute they turn 18.

Lamborghini has unveiled its fastest car ever that can go 217 miles an hour. And that is just with Lindsay Lohan behind the wheel coming out of a parking lot.

An American who has been kept prisoner in East Timor for six months is set to return to the U.S. She would have been released sooner, but it took that long for authorities to actually figure out where East Timor is.

A new hybrid sport called FootGolf combines soccer and golf. Apparently someone took a dare to figure out a way to make golf even longer and more boring to watch.

A new hybrid sport called FootGolf combines soccer and golf. The hardest part is getting the ball out of the hole without using your hands.

Financial experts say that China’s bid to be an economic superpower is falling flat. Mostly because they made the mistake of loaning the U.S. all that money before 2007 that they have no chance of ever seeing again.

A report says that 13 Million Americans were victims of ID theft in 2014. The rest didn’t have health insurance through Anthem or a credit account with Home Depot or Target.

Apple says it will make its security guards full time employees with benefits. Their guards were apparently holding out so they could make enough money so one day they could actually afford to buy an Apple product.

Apple says it will make its security guards full time employees with benefits. Private contractors were used until now because Apple employees have always felt safe ever since the campus early on was declared a “wedgie free zone.”

Auto industry executives say if Apple starts building cars they will be “a serious competitor.” The only difference will be while everything built in Detroit will be recalled, Apple’s vehicles will only have to be rebooted.

A study says the number of visitors to New York City and Los Angeles from China will jump 200% a year by 2023. Apparently that will be the year all the loans they made to the U.S. will come due and they will just want to check out their new properties.

A study says the number of visitors to New York City and Los Angeles from China will jump 200% a year by 2023. You know your country is a little too crowded when you see a trip to New York and L.A. as a chance to get away from it all.

An analysis says that unplanned pregnancies cost U.S. taxpayers $21 Billion a year. And that’s just for food, housing and education for all the kids of the Octomom.

Pizza Hut and Visa have teamed up to find a way people can order and pay for pizza from their cars. Don’t we already have that? It’s called the drive-thru window.

Pizza Hut and Visa have teamed up to find a way people can order and pay for pizza from their cars electronically. Apparently it is too hard for people who eat a lot of pizza to actually be able to get the wallet out of their back pocket while they are sitting on it.

A report says that Apple has become the world’s top smartphone maker. Their biggest customers are the nerds who think they might actually have a shot at getting a date with Siri.

A report says that GM and Honda lead all automakers with recalls. Mostly because Chrysler doesn’t do recalls anymore as no one can start their cars to bring them back to the dealership in the first place.

A report says that GM and Honda lead all automakers with recalls. Mostly because anyone who has even one recall when paired with GM will have more than everyone else.

Dating site Tinder will start charging more money for members who are over 30. Which will gladly be paid by the men who are over 50 and think it will give them a shot at dating a 20 year old.

Dating site Tinder will start charging more money for members who are over 30. The next move is to charge 20-somethings more money to stop being harassed by all the middle aged divorced men who are stalking them.

Howard University says it will pay half the cost of the final semester for students who graduate on time or early. That means they will be able to pay off the rest of their student loans right around the time they will actually be able to think about retirement.

The CEO of Blackstone says that being nice is more important than having an MBA. Because you have to be nice when taking customers’ orders at the fast food restaurant you will be working at because you never got your MBA.

Apple is displaying a collection of photos taken by people with their iPhones. The only problem was finding any pictures on a smartphone that weren’t just naked selfies.

Apple is displaying a collection of photos taken by people with their iPhones. Apparently the people at Apple have never heard of something called “Instagram.”

A Nebraska man’s seeing eye dog is now starting to have vision problems. It was a simple case of the blind leading the blind.

A study says that most patients overestimate the benefits of medical treatments. Apparently some of them mistakenly think that paying thousands of dollars to doctors, pharmacists and hospitals is going to actually get some results.

A study says that most patients overestimate the benefits of medical treatments. Mostly because the benefits from paying for medical treatments are the Mercedes, vacation homes and country club memberships owned by the patients’ medical team.

A study says that four different hospital ratings systems differ dramatically on the best and worst. Although for most people, the only ratings measure that counts when they go into a hospital is if they are going to walk out alive at some point.

A study says that salt has benefits for some people in fighting bacteria. Although you know your sodium intake is probably a little too high when even the bacteria in your system is starting to die from having strokes.

A study says that three to five cups of coffee a day could reduce the risk of heart attacks. Until you see how much you have been spending every day at Starbucks for three to five cups of coffee.

A study says that three to five cups of coffee a day could reduce the risk of heart attacks. The only problem is telling the difference between someone who is having a heart attack and someone who has just downed five cups of full strength espresso.

A study says that low blood pressure brought on by medications could lead to a faster mental decline. The worst part is when the person’t blood pressure goes up because they think they are getting Alzheimer’s Disease.

A man on a plane flight in South America says he started hallucinating after being stung by a scorpion. The hallucinations were so bad that he thought he was on a United Airlines flight that not only wasn’t canceled but was actually on time.

The FDA is warning against the overuse of Testosterone. Too much male hormone can have serious consequences, the most obvious being “The Expendables 3.”

A study says that poor people are more likely to say that a lack of money has a harmful effect on a person’s health than wealthy people. Except the wealthy people who have been held up by people who need money after becoming poor from their medical bills.

A study says that poor people are more likely to say that a lack of money has a harmful effect on a person’s health than wealthy people. Mostly because the wealthy people actually have health insurance and have never had to worry about getting sick.

A study says that poor people are more likely to say that a lack of money has a harmful effect on a person’s health than wealthy people. As opposed to wealthy people who think the most harmful effect on their health is having any contact with poor people.

A study says that surgery patients may not need a sedative before anesthesia. Researchers say they should hold off on the sedatives until after the patient is given their hospital bills.

A study says that getting kids to encourage their peers to exercise is the best way to inspire children to stay more active. Except when the exercise they try to get other kids to do is get up and hand them their video game remote.

A study says that getting kids to encourage their peers to exercise is the best way to inspire children to stay more active. Except when the exercise they have in mind for other kids is to walk to the closest McDonald’s and get them some Chicken McNuggets.

A study says that most people over 30 get the flu twice in a decade. To which middle aged people around the country are saying “Way to go” to researchers for putting it in doubt every time they call in sick with the flu every time they are too hung over to work.

The NTSB says it is considering reopening the investigation into the plane crash that killed Buddy Holly in 1959. If the government is that far behind in regulating aviation, no wonder the airlines can get away with excessive fees, canceled flights and never arriving on time.

The NTSB says it is considering reopening the investigation into the plane crash that killed Buddy Holly in 1959. The sad part is that the crash would have never happened if it happened today and Holly was booked on United Airlines where the flight would have been inevitably canceled.

The Flaming Lips say they are going into the studio to record with Miley Cyrus and Yoko Ono. That is one group that people are finally rooting for Yoko to break up.

That’s it for now, Oh faithful Readers! In a bit of a rush today and will probably be again tomorrow as a major storm is bearing down on the region. As a meteorologist, for some reason the people at the station expect me to do some extra work. I should have taken that job in L.A. where the TV weathercasts last thirty seconds and you try to guess when the morning fog burns off. Oh, well. It’s a little different here in West Virginia where we are looking at a couple inches of rain followed by several inches of snow. The one advantage over forecasting in Los Angeles is it doesn’t take me three hours of waiting on the 405 Freeway to get in to work. This is just a sideline I do for fun. Of course, I do get my rewards every time one of you remembers to send the love!

No comments: