Tuesday, March 03, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

290 new billionaires have been added to the Forbes list of the world’s richest, including Michael Jordan. Which finally gives men like Bill Gates and Warren Buffett the chance to do something they never could do before. Be like Mike.

290 new billionaires have been added to the Forbes list of the world’s richest, including Michael Jordan. Which no doubt led to high fives between all the ten year olds for a job well done sewing together Air Jordans in all those factories in China.

Researchers say that a treadmill test can predict a person’s life expectancy. The worst scores go to the people who cannot correctly identify which of the objects in the room is the treadmill.

Pope Francis I attacked the “throw away culture” of globalization. Which is not to be confused with sitting around watching “The Kardashians” and throwing away any chance of having culture.

A study says that using Facebook can lead to envy and serious depression. Mostly from people who see their friends are much more successful than they are because they don’t sit around posting all day posting pictures of everything they eat on Facebook.

A study says that using Facebook can lead to envy and serious depression. Mostly for people who realize they have 5,000 “friends” who only like them for the cat videos they post online.

Ikea is turning its furniture into wireless phone chargers. Which is convenient for people who need to call someone to help them figure out how to put together all their Ikea furniture.

Privacy glasses that are made using LEDs can reportedly light up and avoid facial recognition software. Apparently it works by the software seeing assuming the person wearing flashing glasses must be Elton John.

A mysterious priest in San Antonio is taking online digital confessions. The number one confession is from middle aged men who are simultaneously logged in on Myspace.

A mysterious priest in San Antonio is taking online digital confessions. It’s the most confessions involving computers heard by anyone other than the women who catch their husbands in the act with another woman using Skype.

Two Canadian men who were caught digging a tunnel near a Pan Am Games venue say they were using it as a “man cave.” Apparently no one told them they could have saved themselves a lot of trouble by just putting a flat screen TV in their den.

An online documentary on pollution in China has been viewed by 100 Million people. The only way to get that many hits in the U.S. would be if the pictures of pollution were mixed in with cat videos and selfies of Kim Kardashian.

Illinois Senator Mark Kirk says that Chicago could go the way of Detroit if Mayor Rahm Emanuel is not reelected. The worst part is that most people in Chicago are asking if that would be a good or bad thing.

The artist who painted the presidential portrait of Bill Clinton hanging in the National Gallery says it has a hidden reference to Monica Lewinsksy. Which is in addition to the fact that Clinton insisted on posing for the painting not wearing any pants.

A report says that China’s space plans threaten the ability of the U.S. military ability to win conflicts. Apparently their space program has been in effect all the way through Iraq, Afghanistan, Vietnam and Korea.

Goodyear says it is returning to making bicycle tires. The only problem is that any Americans peddling down the road with a Goodyear insignia may be confused with their blimp.

The NFL has set the salary cap for its teams in 2015 at $143.28 Million. Or as NFL owners call $143.28 Million, the going price of a decent second vacation home.

Data says people ate more meals at fast food restaurants rather than full service eateries last year. A full service restaurant is one where your server will actually help operate the defibrillator for customers finishing off their third cheeseburger.

Judge Judy has extended her contract with CBS through 2020. Not to say the show is going to her head, but that is still three years sooner than the release date on the sentence she imposed on three of last year’s defendants.

Judge Judy has extended her contract with CBS through 2020. Not to say the show is going to her head, but she has already agreed for next season to hear one of the appeals on Obamacare.

131 Californians are on the latest Forbes list of billionaires. It’s pretty easy to identify the people in California who qualify. They are the people who have actually paid off their home mortgages.

New Philadelphia Fed Chief Patrick Harker, President of the University of Delaware says traditional universities may become extinct. People were surprised. The University of Delaware is still in business?

A study says that night pain could be linked to sleep disorders. Especially the pain that comes from having your wife catch you sneaking into the bedroom at 4 AM.

A study says that peanuts may lower the risk of death from heart disease. Unless the only peanuts you eat are the ones they give away at Five Guys Burgers and Fries.

A study says that it is easy for teenagers to buy e-cigarettes online. Which is still better than how easy it is to get painkillers, antidepressants and tranquilizers just by going into their parents’ medicine cabinet.

A study says that heart valve repair surgery may ease people’s depression and anxiety. At least until they get their medical bills for their heart valve surgery.

A government report says that antipsychotic drugs are overused for people with dementia. Mostly because it’s probably a lot better to let them live in their own world than to bring them back to the reality of being an old person stuck in a retirement home.

A study says that very obese children may face higher heart risks than thought. Especially the ones who when playing hide and go seek find they are the hiding place for all the other kids.

A study says that very obese children may face higher heart risks than thought. Especially the ones who only want to play freeze tag because they get out of breath when they actually try to move.

Cameron Diaz says the secret to staying young is having lots of sex. Which is not too much of a problem when you are a woman and look like Cameron Diaz.

A pregnant model was on the runway at the Dolce and Gabbana motherhood themed show in Milan. She made the announcement that she is expecting by saying she is now eating for one.

“The Last Man on Earth” premiered on Fox over the weekend. The only good news is that with only one person left on the planet, CNN was the only channel that didn’t see a decline in viewership.

A poll says that George Clooney was chosen as the most stylish man of all time. Which was unfortunate for the GEICO cavemen who never had a chance with all the negative publicity from PETA against wearing fur.

A poll says that George Clooney was chosen as the most stylish man of all time. Which was too bad for all the Roman emperors who saw togas fall out of fashion back in the 1970s.

Suge Knight was sent to the hospital because he claims he is blind in one eye and only has 15% of his vision left in the other. Which apparently will also conveniently be his excuse for how he managed to run over two people in a parking lot with his SUV.

A part time ticket seller for the New York Yankees was fired after sending vulgar tweets about Curt Schilling’s daughter. Although what could be more vulgar than selling tickets to watch Alex Rodriguez play baseball for $1,200 a pop?

Knicks owner James Dolan is reportedly interested in buying the New York Daily News. If nothing else, he could have his own copy printed every day that shows the Knicks out of the cellar.

Former PGA Tour player Dan Olsen is apologizing after saying that Tiger Woods was suspended for a month for PEDs. If he is using banned substances, that’s a good thing as he might not have broken 90 in the second round in Phoenix.

Myanmar has captured a rare white elephant in the jungle. To which most Americans are asking what NASA is doing in a Burmese jungle?

The space suit of Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield was bought at a thrift shop for $40. It was determined to be authentic with the NASA patch, his name tag and several orange Tang stains.

Research says that 30% of all organizations collect big data. The other 70% just wait for all the data to be released to the Internet when the ones doing the collecting are hacked.

Google says it is planning to offer wireless cellphone service. Mostly because at this point McDonald’s could come up with a wireless service that couldn’t be much worse than Sprint, Verizon and AT&T.

A worldwide test put American Millennials near or at the bottom of the list compared to the rest of the world when it comes to literacy and math skills. The worst part was when 78% of them had no idea how to spell “Millennial.”

A worldwide test put American Millennials near or at the bottom of the list compared to the rest of the world when it comes to literacy and math skills. The good news is that it shows there is little change between their performance in high school and how they do in the real world.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban will play the President of the U.S. in “Sharknado 3.” This will give viewers at least one reason to finally root for the sharks.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban will play the President of the U.S. in “Sharknado 3.” It will be the first match pitting a Cuban directly against a shark since the Mariel boatlift.

Buzz Aldrin’s 1966 space photo self-portrait was auctioned for $9,200. It was the most expensive selfie ever that didn’t include a picture of Kim Kardashian’s backside.

Nissan says it will have a car that can drive itself through traffic jams in 2016. Don’t we already have technology to drive us through traffic jams? It’s called the parking brake.

A survey says that two thirds of U.S. consumers expect delivery service by drones in the next five years. The only bad part is after they drop off the package and hover over your porch waiting for a tip.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another day of jokes, gags and pratfalls. The pratfalls are me slipping on the ice when I go out to get the mail. I am ready for this winter to be over. Which is usually what I say about two days into the season. If I lived in a warmer climate I would have more time to write jokes instead of shoveling my sidewalk. Which I don’t do anyway. The one thing that keeps me warm during these cold months is when all of you remember to send the love!

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