Sunday, March 29, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Miami Beach celebrated its 100th birthday last week. Which still makes it four years younger than the average Miami Beach resident.

Fortune Magazine has named Taylor Swift as the highest ranking woman on a list of the World’s 50 Greatest Leaders. Which means Hillary Clinton wasted all those years as First Lady, Senator and Secretary of State when she could have done just as well by taking a few guitar and singing lessons.

Fortune Magazine has named Taylor Swift as the highest ranking woman on a list of the World’s 50 Greatest Leaders. Which means it’s better to have your heart broken by every guy in Hollywood than just by the same one over and over.

President Obama didn’t even make the list of Fortune Magazine’s World’s 50 Greatest Leaders. “Tonight Show” host Jimmy Fallon made the list, just because he must have incredible leadership skills to get an audience to actually watch a show on NBC.

President Obama didn’t even make the list of Fortune Magazine’s World’s 50 Greatest Leaders. Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz made the list, because what’s making health care affordable for 16 Million people in comparison to someone with the leadership skills to get millions of people every day to spend $5 for a cup of coffee?

The federal government is testing a system that can automatically detect cyberbullying. Although most nerds will say that cyberbullying is much more tolerable than walking around all day sporting a real wedgie.

The TSA says that yawning, whistling and complaining while standing in line for airport security could arouse suspicions of being a terrorist. Which is bad news for all the people who yawn, whistle and complain while having to wait the three hours it takes to get through TSA airport security.

The TSA says that bad body odor is a sign that agents use to consider a person a possible terrorist threat. That’s debatable. How many planes have been hijacked lately by someone from France?

Scientists in California have created eyedrops that enable people to have night vision. Which allows them to search for the contact lenses they can’t find in the middle of the night in a dark bathroom.

California Governor Jerry Brown has signed a $1 Billion water pledge for the state because of the drought. It could have been a lot worse but fortunately all the people in Beverly Hills have enough money to make sure they keep getting their daily delivery of Perrier.

A con man in Florida who had fake government identification has been sentenced to more than a year in prison. At least he now has a real government ID which everyone can see right on the back of his orange jumpsuit.

Brazilian government police report a massive tax fraud scheme. Ironically, people go to jail for that in Brazil while in the U.S. they make a fortune as successful tax preparers.

Engineering students in Virginia have developed a way to use a bass hum to extinguish fires. The worst part is having to watch firefighters twerk while they sing “It’s all about the bass…”

The Secret Service has come up with new alcohol consumption guidelines for work. The question is, why the does the Secret Service have any guidelines for alcohol consumption while on the job?

The Secret Service has come up with new alcohol consumption guidelines for work. Apparently they have to stop the game where they take a shot every time an attempted assassin takes a shot.

Suze Orman is off the air at CNBC after 13 years. People were surprised. How has CNBC stayed on the air for 13 years?

Suze Orman is off the air at CNBC after 13 years. Apparently it just wasn’t worthwhile to have someone giving investment advice to the three people who still actually have some money to invest.

A lender says it is working on a “significant” new bid for RadioShack. The only significant part is that there is a lender crazy enough to give money to the people at RadioShack.

Stanford University says it will cover the tuition of any students whose parents make less than $125,000 a year. Mostly because an income of $125,000 a year or less is considered the poverty line for anyone with a degree from Stanford.

Progressive Insurance is using its Snapshot device to charge aggressive drivers more. Although nothing makes a driver more aggressive than seeing their insurance rates double overnight.

Progressive Insurance is using its Snapshot device to charge aggressive drivers more. But there is no faster way to make drivers more aggressive than interrupting their favorite TV shows with seven straight Progressive commercials with that annoying Flo character.

The federal government is planning a crackdown on payday loan companies which they claim are debt traps. If the government really wants to cut back on debt traps, when are they going to do something about the spending habits of Congress.

Aviation experts say the U.S. should require mental health examinations for all pilots. The best way to examine the mental health of any pilot is when they answer “yes” to being asked if they would like to fly for United Airlines.

President Obama is taking a tough stance on superbug viruses, saying “We are coming after you.” To which the leaders of ISIS are saying “Whew! For a minute we thought he meant they were actually going to do something about us.”

Twin boys in Massachusetts who were born 24 days apart recently celebrated their first birthday. Hopefully, after 24 days of labor their father is hoping their mom will start talking to him again by the time they have a party for birthday number 7.

A Missouri school told a 7 year old girl who weighs 54 pounds her BMI is too high. Which is interesting since there are kids who are not getting as much scrutiny coming into the world with a 54 pound birth weight.

A study says that painful knee arthritis in women is linked to an early death. But not as early as for their husbands who come home after their wives have been scrubbing floors for hours on their hands and arthritic knees and ask them what they did all day.

A Dallas woman is in jail after performing illegal injections to enlarge women’s butts. As opposed to all the personal trainers for Major League Baseball players who became millionaires for pretty much doing the same thing.

A study says that kidneys from dead older donors may help seniors who need transplants. Mostly because getting a kidney from a dead senior is a lot easier than getting the Jell-O cup at dinner from a live one.

The first junk food tax in the U.S. has been put in place by the Navajo Nation. Which means the Navajo just say no to Oreo, Dorito and Domino.

A study says that cereal could be the key to living a long life. Unless you happen to run into a cereal killer.

A study says that eating cereal could be the key to living a long life. Mostly because their breakfast cereal is the one healthy meal they eat before eating hamburgers for lunch, pizza for dinner and Taco Bell for fourth meal.

A study says a high fat diet could affect people’s behavior and cause depression. Especially when their behavior of sitting on the couch for 12 hours a day makes them depressed from becoming morbidly obese.

Bruce Jenner reportedly was reduced to tears when Kris Jenner named Khloe Kardashian executor of her will. Mostly because as long as Kris Jenner is able to do that, it means she is still alive.

Britney Spears is reportedly taking a pre-algebra course at age 33 in order to help her kids with their homework. Although the last person any kid wants to have them help with their homework is a 33 year old who doesn’t already know pre-algebra.

Britney Spears is reportedly taking a pre-algebra course at age 33 in order to help her kids with their homework. The amazing thing is that she has had a 20 year long music career obviously without ever taking a singing lesson.

Britney Spears is reportedly taking pre-algebra course at age 33 in order to help her kids with their homework. The only question is when is she going to take remedial courses in English, history, social studies, science, speech, and home economics?

A musical based on Bill and Hillary Clinton is set to make its off-Broadway debut. The play is called “Clinton: The Musical” only because the working title was already taken. “Kill Bill.”

NBC is reportedly bringing back the show “Coach” after 18 years. One idea for the plot line of the show is to have Craig T. Nelson to coach the Buffalo Bills since the mid 90s is about the last time both the Bills and NBC had a winning record.

Shaquille O’Neal says he regrets leaving the Orlando Magic for the L.A. Lakers. It boils down to just two words. Ko. Be.

Data says that elite credit cards like the American Express Black Card are twice as likely to be used for fraudulent transactions as other cards. Mostly because fewer than half of all  merchants would even consider taking a Discover Card in the first place.

The new owner of SkyMall may relaunch the defunct catalogue. Mostly because to air travelers, the high priced novelty goods on the site seem like a good deal compared to how much they are spending on flying with all the additional airline fees.

Dutch companies are looking to heat homes with computer servers. Which would probably work well, especially around Washington, D.C. where the whole city could be warmed by all the heat generated by Hillary Clinton’s e-mail server alone.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Still got my jokes out for you today even though I spent most the weekend in Charlottesville, Virginia. That’s the home of the home of Thomas Jefferson, Monticello. I took the tour which cost $25 and was worth it. There is also the nickel tour where the guide shows you the reverse side of a nickel and says “There you go!” Although there was some sad news in the world of sports. Former West Virginia University and NBA star Rodney “Hot Rod” Hundley has died at age 80. Although he was a bit before my time, I remember listening to him as the color commentator for Laker announcing legend Chick Hearn. That was the toughest job in sports. All he ever had time to do was try to find an opening in Hearn’s delivery where he could squeeze in a quick “That’s right, Chicky!” Great player, great announcer. We’ll miss you Hot Rod!

No comments: