Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Health officials in New York have ordered day cares to not let children sit for more than 30 minutes without some sort of physical activity to promote exercise. The only question is when have you ever seen day care age kids sit still for more than 30 seconds?

Ford says it is hoping to reduce accidents and speeding tickets by preventing drivers from going over the speed limit. That and the fact their engines can’t go any faster than 55 miles an hour.

The U.S. says it is slowing down its troop withdrawal from Afghanistan. The question is, once you have already been there for 14 years can you even slow things down anymore?

The U.S. says it is slowing down its troop withdrawal from Afghanistan. Apparently the military wants to wait until something happens that can enable us to claim a victory and then leave.

A report says that one half of American households are living paycheck to paycheck. The other half is still working on a way to actually get a paycheck.

A report says that one half of American households are living paycheck to paycheck. The other half is trying to make it on government assistance check to government assistance check.

Students at a California high school came back from a weekend to find their chemistry teacher had transitioned from a man to a woman. Apparently the teacher just felt as a man there just wasn’t a real chemistry.

Apple employees selling the new Apple Watch are being coached to offer fashion advice. The question is, who wants to get advice on style from someone wearing a polo shirt and khakis?

The White House head florist has left her position amid rumors as to why. So far, the best reason that flower experts say she is gone is that she was just cut.

The White House head florist has left her position amid rumors as to why. Apparently she felt the position just didn’t give her the opportunity to grow.

The White House head florist has left her position amid rumors as to why. If anyone wants to get a garden to grow, they should move over to Congress where there is always plenty of available fertilizer.

The White House head florist has left her position amid rumors as to why. Her number one job was sending funeral bouquets to the idea of ever getting rid of the national debt.

The White House has named an adviser to Joe Biden as their message strategist. If people were confused as to what President Obama was doing before, just wait until one of Joe Biden’s people tries to get the message out.

A study says that commutes in the U.S. are getting longer. That doesn’t even include the people who are out of work because they couldn’t make the daily trip to where their job moved to in China.

A study says that commutes in the U.S. are getting longer.  Not so much in distance but in the time it takes to get to work for most people who can’t afford a car and have to take the bus, walk or hitchhike.

A former University of Toledo basketball player has been sentenced to probation in a point shaving scandal. The only problem for the prosecution was showing that it made any difference for the University of Toledo when their players actually tried to score.

A former University of Toledo basketball player has been sentenced to probation in a point shaving scandal. In order for those charges to ever be leveled against anyone on the Jacksonville Jaguars, the team would actually have to finish a game with a negative final score.

The NFL has approved medical timeouts during games. Apparently the idea is to help losing teams that can’t have their players wait until half time to get a steroid booster injection.

Data says that HUD and government printing office employees are the most likely government workers to fall behind on their taxes. Which is no problem for those in the printing office who can take care of any debts by just having the $100 bill printers work a little overtime.

An atheist group is facing charges about how donations were raised and spent. Apparently the group doesn’t like to deal with any currency as they are a little uncomfortable handing anything that says “In God We Trust.”

An atheist group is facing charges about how donations were raised and spent. The question is, how do atheists raise money when it is so hard to get churchgoers to bring out their cash when they pass the donation basket on Sunday?

Montana says real estate mogul Tim Blixseth owes nearly $74 Million in property taxes. Which is confusing to people who wonder if there is $74 Million worth of property in the entire state?

A report says that diet soda sales have fallen 20% in the past five years. The report was based on the fact that waistline sizes have increased 20% over the same time frame.

A report says that Wyoming has been rated the best state in which to retire. The only problem is finding a job in Wyoming that actually pays enough to allow people to stop working before they are 90.

A report says that Wyoming has been rated the best state in which to retire. Especially for cranky elderly people who can move there and never again have to worry about yelling at someone to get off their lawn.

A study says that even in the nursing profession where 90% of all nurses are women, men get paid more. Mostly for having to deal with all the snide comments from their friends about being a male nurse.

News outlets may be able to start showing their content on Facebook. It’s for people who like to get information while they are on Facebook that is something a little more substantive than knowing what their friends ate for breakfast and seeing how their cats can dance.

U.S. auto workers could be in for their first raise in ten years. The workers were supposed to get bonuses but apparently automakers even had to recall all of those.

Researchers say that power naps of 45-60 minutes can raise people’s work performance. Mostly because it would be less than the eight hours of nap time that currently takes up their work day.

A study says that smoking in front of your children can increase the chances they will develop heart disease. Which apparently means if you are going to smoke, at least make the kids turn around.

A study says that men are drawn to women with a 45.5 degree curve between their back and their rear end. Which really would have made for a different kind of vibe if Sir Mix-A-Lot in “Baby Got Back” instead sang “I like a 45.5 degree angle between her back and butt...”

A report says that many Alzheimer’s patients are not told of their condition. Or maybe they are but they just keep forgetting.

A study says that men who get the most physical activity have more erections and orgasms. And vice versa when their wives find out what they have been doing and end up chasing them down the street.

A study says that taking people off cholesterol medications when they are near their end of life may actually be beneficial. Mostly because if they are close to dying, the drugs obviously didn’t work in the first place.

4D ultrasounds reportedly showed fetuses grimacing when their mothers smoked cigarettes. However, the ultrasounds also showed them ordering pizza on their phones whenever their moms would fire up the bong instead.

4D ultrasounds reportedly showed fetuses grimacing when their mothers smoked cigarettes. Especially when their mothers were smoking while they were watching “The Kardashians.”

Studies show that air pollution raises the risk of strokes. Which is good because it takes people’s minds off their non-stop coughing and concerns about their constant chest pains.

Khloe Kardashian says her brother Rob is “not at his best place.” Mostly because the best place for anyone is as far away from the rest of the Kardashians as possible.

Mattel has introduced their new Barbie doll that was inspired by Cindy Crawford. The bad part is that compared to the original Barbie, even supermodels are now considered to be Plus Size.

Will Ferrell received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Although the award has lost some of its prestige. Ever since Adam Sandler was given his own star they have awarded them to three soap opera extras and two people who played cadavers on “Law & Order.”

Iggy Azalea says she got breast implants several months ago. Apparently she realized the only way for some women to ever make the A-list is by getting D cups.

The Dodgers have signed Cuban infielder Hector Olivera to a 6 year, $62.5 Million contract. The good news for the Dodgers is that they paid him in the equivalent sum to put him in the same income class in Cuba which amounts to $4.85.

NFL owners have shot down most of the replay proposals at their annual meeting. It turns out video replays are something owners would rather avoid ever since someone discovered there was a camera in the elevator with Ray Rice and his fiancee.

A Houston Astros farm team in Fresno, California has withdrawn a promotion to hand out 2017 World Series rings because they didn’t want to jinx the Major League affiliate. Although the real only jinx for any team is having the word “Astros” on their uniforms.

A report says that spring is getting 30 seconds shorter every year, with summer getting longer because of the tilt of the Earth. Which will no doubt be seen by conservatives as the smoking gun to finally explain why global warming has nothing to do with human activity.

A report says that spring is getting shorter every year, as the season arrives 30 seconds earlier with summer getting longer. To which the people in Boston are saying “It’s about time!”

A study says that stars may be emitting sound waves. The only bad part is that they are now being sued for copyright infringement by the family of Marvin Gaye.

An iPhone breathalyzer app comes with a video game that becomes more difficult the more a person drinks. Don’t all video games become more difficult the more a person drinks?

An iPhone breathalyzer app comes with a video game that becomes more difficult the more a person drinks. If you need an iPhone breathalyzer with a game to show if you are too drunk to drive, you should just turn in your car keys for a permanent bus pass.

Google fiber, an online connection that is 100 times faster than normal Internet speeds is headed to Salt Lake City. It was needed there because of the slower connections when men are on the Internet at the same time as all five of their wives.

A study says that one third of Americans say they would never buy a self-driving car. Mostly because the recession has made it so they will probably never be able to afford any car ever again.

Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak says Artificial Intelligence may make for a future that is scary and bad for people. It’s too bad the blame can’t fall on any individuals, like maybe the ones who gave us the potential for Artificial Intelligence by starting the computer industry in a garage back in 1976?

An analysis says that every four days, the U.S. power grid is subjected to a cyber or physical attack. Remember the good old days when power went out every four days because of a lack of maintenance and upkeep by the power utilities?

An analysis says that every four days, the U.S. power grid is subjected to a cyber or physical attack. Which is OK because one out of every four U.S. households are without power anyway because they couldn’t afford to pay their utility bills the last six months.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, today is my birthday. Ugh. Another year closer to whatever. I’m just glad I still have enough air in me to still blow out the candles. I just wish it didn’t take a fire permit to light enough to represent my age. As usual, I spent the morning cranking out the jokes for you. And if you don’t know my size or what color car I was hoping to get for a present, you can always skate by with just remembering to send the love!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday :)