Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A researcher says that robots will replace humans in almost half of all jobs in the next 20 years. Which is no worse than the humans in Washington, D.C. and on Wall Street who crashed the economy and already eliminated the other half.

A researcher says that robots will replace humans in almost half of all jobs in the next 20 years. What will be truly ironic is when robots take over all the jobs at the unemployment office.

A researcher says that robots will replace humans in almost half of all jobs in the next 20 years. The only problem will be programming them to take a bullet while they are working at the only jobs left, behind the counter at a convenience store.

Air pollutions levels in Paris have recently exceeded those in Shanghai, China. How bad is it when even the air in Paris is being told it needs to bathe more often?

Air pollutions levels in Paris have recently exceeded those in Shanghai, China. What’s next after the air becoming dirty in Paris? Becoming rude, snobby and arrogant?

Researchers say that power naps of 45 minutes can boost the memory five-fold. Which comes in handy for people who take a nap and then have to remember to do all the things they would have done if they hadn’t slept away 45 minutes of the day.

Starbucks has ended their “race together” coffee cup campaign after a week. Mostly because the coffee company has already transcended prejudice by training their baristas to be equally rude and arrogant to customers of all races.

Pablo Picasso’s former handyman has been sentenced to two years in prison for stealing 271 of the artist’s works. Just like all the paintings, the worker’s defense is that he was framed.

A British rocket car that could reach 1,000 mph would be the fastest on Earth. It would beat out whatever vehicle is currently being driven by Lindsay Lohan.

A British rocket car that could reach 1,000 mph would be the fastest on Earth. Which means NASA should just put some wheels on their rockets so the next time one of them falls over during launch they will just call it a car and claim a world’s record.

A 100 year old car salesman in Wyoming still works six days a week. Mostly because he has never made enough money to retire by trying to sell anything other than trucks in Wyoming.

A 100 year old car salesman in Wyoming still works six days a week. Mostly because he hasn’t made a sale since 1949 since his dealership license is with DeSoto.

A poll says fictional presidents on TV are more popular than President Obama. As opposed to George W. Bush who Dick Cheney turned into a fictional President in the White House.

A poll says fictional presidents on TV are more popular than President Obama. Although the President doesn’t really have to become concerned until his numbers start getting in the range of “Two Broke Girls.”

Scientists are planning to mine waste water for precious metals. And you thought it was bad when people were mining for gold with their fingers up their nose.

Scientists are planning to mine waste water for precious metals. And people thought coal miners had to deal with noxious gases while they were at work.

A child psychologist says that smartphones are harming children mentally. Which explains how being smarter than the person using them is how they got their name.

Richard III will be reburied later this week, more than 500 years after his death in battle. He will finally be laid to rest in a casket which will change his last words to “My kingdom for a hearse!”

Medea vodka has introduced an app that will allow people to display messages on their bottles. The messages will appear in triplicate so people drinking enough vodka will be able to read them by looking at the one in the middle.

An investment manager says that China looks a lot like the U.S. in 2008. The only problem is that the U.S. still looks a lot like the U.S. in 2008.

An investment manager says that China looks a lot like the U.S. in 2008. What’s worse is that the U.S. is starting to look a lot like China in 1947.

Coca-Cola is looking for advertisers to give the company its next global campaign. Apparently they liked “A Coke and a smile” until all the people who drink the soft drink regularly ran out of teeth.

MillionaireMatch.com, a dating site that pairs wealthy people together is asking women to post pictures without any makeup. Which will get about as many results as asking the men to post pictures of what they would look like if they were broke.

MillionaireMatch.com, a dating site that pairs wealthy people together is getting complaints from users that 54% of the profiles are “seriously misrepresented.” What do people think it is, some kind of dating site?

MillionaireMatch.com, a dating site that pairs wealthy people together is getting complaints from users that 54% of the profiles are “seriously misrepresented.” The other 46% are just outright lying.

Louisville Slugger will be bought by Wilson for $70 Million. Which means with the famous brand of bats continuing production, Cub fans will still be able to go to the ballpark and hear the familiar sound of wood meeting air.

360 degree videos have debuted on Youtube. Which is great news for people who also want to see the backsides of all those cats that are on every video posted online.

The NFL has dropped its blackout rule for TV for 2015. Which means the term “NFL blackout” will now only refer to the men who have downed three cases of beer while watching 18 hours of televised football every Sunday.

California is launching a campaign against e-cigarettes. Which means that in order to get Californians to stop smoking them, they need to ignore the health aspect and just try to convince people they aren’t hip or cool.

Researchers say they have discovered a gene that determines if people are apple or pear shaped and the risk of future disease. Although the best way to get more people to stop being apple or pear shaped is to get them to actually eat some apples and pears.

Tests say that today’s marijuana is three times stronger than pot of past decades. Which explains why stoners back in the 1960s were still actually able to finish college and have a career.

Tests say that today’s marijuana is three times stronger than pot of past decades. Which may also explain why today’s pizza has triple the toppings and fat content.

A study says that baseball players’ hitting drops after getting concussions. The study shows that a player has been hit in the head too many times when their batting average falls below the Mendoza line and their I.Q. falls below the Lenny Dykstra line.

The Travel Channel is launching a show that will last for 12 hours. Apparently it is a real time travelogue of Larry King driving three miles to the beach.

Some models are calling for the fashion industry to lose the term “plus sized models.” Mostly because anyone who is larger than the average American is now more correctly identified as “morbidly obese.”

Will Farrell says the college fraternity system should be abolished. Which is a pretty big stance to take considering fraternity members are pretty much 94% of his movie audience.

Kate Gosselin is denying child abuse allegations from her ex-husband. Apparently he is claiming that putting her kids on a reality show for eight years could produce the same results in the families from “Honey Boo Boo” and “The Kardashians.”

David Crosby reportedly hit a jogger in California with his car while he was driving 55 miles an hour. Crosby has been arrested for driving offenses before, making it just another case of Deja Vu.

David Crosby reportedly hit a jogger in California with his car while he was driving 55 miles an hour. Apparently the jogger made the mistake of thinking Crosby was turning since he was approaching with his left blinker flashing the whole time.

David Crosby reportedly hit a jogger in California with his car while he was driving 55 miles an hour. The worst part is when the ambulance arrived they tried to take Crosby because the jogger actually looked to be in better shape.

Seth MacFarlane has won a copyright suit over his movie “Ted.” Hollywood insiders were shocked. Who would actually claim they also wrote that movie?

NFL owners have tweaked the catch rule which says that Dez Bryant’s catch against the Packers still wouldn’t have counted. Which makes the decision over the catch that happened two months ago the longest video review in sports history.

The Cleveland Browns GM says that he expects Johnny Manziel to play in 2015. Which is another way of saying he has been reassigned to place kick holder.

NFL owners are considering a proposal to order unstable players off the field. Which pretty much ends any ideas of a comeback by Terrell Owens.

NFL owners and officials say they are optimistic there will be a team in Los Angeles in 2016. To which the people of L.A. are saying “We don’t have an NFL team anymore?”

Detroit Lions quarterback Matthew Stafford and his future wife were given a wedding present of matching custom Jordans. Which serves him right for convincing his bride to register at Foot Locker.

A crowdfunding site allows people to donate money to try to build accounts to keep their favorite college athletes in school. Don’t we already have that? They are called alumni associations.

A federal agency is concerned that a winery’s idea of submerging bottles of wine into sea water to test its effects on aging may contaminate the wine. The vintner has promised in the meantime to “sell no wine that tastes like brine.”

A federal agency is concerned that a winery’s idea of submerging bottles of wine into sea water to test its effects on aging may contaminate the wine. Although most connoisseurs are saying that the sea water actually tastes better than anything coming out of a bottle of Gallo.

A survey says that people love news but don’t want to pay for it. Although we are still paying for how Fox News got their viewers to put George W. Bush in the White House twice.

A survey says that people love news but don’t want to pay for it. That’s not news to any Baby Boomer who used to have a paper route 40 years ago and still remembers being stiffed on collection day.

The NFL plans to show an Internet only broadcast of a game between the Jacksonville Jaguars and Buffalo Bills. Mostly because unlike showing the game on TV, with 4 Billion people online there might be someone in cyber space that might accidentally stumble onto the game so they could claim an actual viewer.

Political experts say that Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal is using frequent trips to Washington, D.C. to boost his image in a run for the White House. Mostly so people don’t associate him with Louisiana and think he might do the same thing to the rest of the country.

The U.S. is set to buy $69 Million in marijuana from Ole Miss. Apparently the government must think their pot is pretty potent to make it so the students are so stoned they can’t even call it the University of Mississippi anymore.

The U.S. is set to buy $69 Million in marijuana from Ole Miss. In the old days, schools would hold bake sales to raise extra money. Now they sell things that get people baked.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just another day of cranking out the jokes. I am like a machine. And some people even say I am funnier than almost all the machines they know. I figure if I write like a machine, then I stand a better chance of being one of those people who can’t be replaced by a robot. Although the difference is, I will always appreciate it when you remember to send the love!

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