Sunday, March 22, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says some people have a fat bias that makes them imagine overweight people have a  odor. Although in their defense, the odor always seems to be a Taco Bell chalupa or McDonald’s french fries.

A report says U.S. companies are hoarding a record $1.4 Trillion in cash. It’s getting so bad that next week’s episode of “Hoarders” takes place in the Apple corporate vault.

A report says U.S. companies are hoarding a record $1.4 Trillion in cash. It’s getting so bad that when you search for “hoarder” on Google, it brings up Google.

A report says U.S. companies are hoarding a record $1.4 Trillion in cash. Corporations say they really aren’t hoarding it, they are just keeping it until the company executives find enough room where they can store it at home.

A report says U.S. companies are hoarding a record $1.4 Trillion in cash. The companies are just keeping it in a safe place until the economy gets to the point where they actually have to start paying their employees a livable wage again.

An Ohio man was paid a $1 Million settlement after spending 39 years behind bars for a crime he didn’t commit. That works out to around $25,000 a year. The award would have been larger but the prison is deducting the cost for freeloading off them for a free room and meals for all those years.

An Ohio man was paid a $1 Million settlement after spending 39 years behind bars for a crime he didn’t commit. The former inmate says it works out to more money and better working conditions than if he had spent those years working at a 7-Eleven.

Interior Secretary Sally Jewell thanked a group in Vermont for preparing for climate change. Mostly because Vermont is the one state welcoming global warming as it may finally give some people a reason to go to Vermont.

A report says coalition warplanes have dropped more than 10,000 “smartbombs” that are guided by GPS on ISIS targets since last year. It is the first time bombs have come equipped with a guidance system since GPS became a standard feature on Chryslers.

Fares have gone up on New York City’s mass transit system. At this rate, pretty soon the buses and subways are going to have to be like the airlines and start adding fee, like a pervert toll for the privilege of being groped on the morning commute.

A North Carolina man accused of killing a TV food show contestant reportedly had human remains in his stove. Not only that, but the real giveaway was that they had been cooked at 425 degrees for three hours with a light seasoning of basil, garlic and pepper.

A North Carolina man accused of killing a TV food show contestant reportedly had human remains in his stove. The real giveaway was his Internet search for what wine goes best with a brunette.

Police shot and killed a man who sprayed TSA agents who had insect spray and a machete at a New Orleans airport. Either he was angry at increasing government intrusiveness or Louisiana really has a problem with how big their mosquitoes are getting.

The FBI is looking into the spending of Illinois Representative Aaron Schock who may have broken the law concerning campaign expenses. The question is why aren’t they looking into the real spending problems of Congress, like the ones that have put the country $18 Trillion in debt?

The FDA has approved genetically modified apples and potatoes for consumption. Ironically, the main reason for millions of Americans being genetically modified is eating too many apples in pies and potatoes that have been french fried.

Some colleges are using virtual reality tours to enhance recruiting. Unfortunately, the students will also need to use virtual reality to see what it is like to actually be able to get a job once they graduate.

Some colleges are using virtual reality tours to enhance recruiting. It’s too bad the virtual reality doesn’t show the students what their life will be like trying to pay off their college tuition loans for the next 30 years.

Some colleges are using virtual reality tours to enhance recruiting. All they need now is one for students who are interested in joining fraternities that allows them to sing racist chants while being forced to drink themselves into an alcohol-induced coma.

Chevy Malibu has debuted “Teen Driver,” a new system that allows parents to monitor their kids’ driving. The only problem is finding any teenagers who are actually willing to be seen driving around town in a Malibu.

A new Disney iPhone app allows people to become their favorite Disney character. Which is fitting since most people staring at their iPhone all day have already transformed into being Goofy, Dopey and Dumbo.

A report says that alcohol consumption is rising in China. The biggest question for most Chinese is what wine is best served with poodle?

AIG has settled with investors for $970 Million for misleading them about risks tied to subprime mortgages. Which means the only people who aren’t being compensated for being lied to about the risks of subprime mortgages are the people who lost their homes because they were talked into taking out a subprime mortgage.

A survey says that 40% of Americans can’t spell “Budweiser.” Especially the 40% who have been watching sports all weekend while drinking several cases of Budweiser.

A survey says that 40% of Americans can’t spell “Budweiser.” Which isn’t surprising since 68% of Americans can’t spell any words that are rated above a third grade level.

A survey says that most renters are not ready or willing to buy yet. Mostly because they are not ready or willing to be like all the people back in 2007 who lost everything because they thought they were ready and willing to buy.

A study says that stocks typically don’t perform well during March Madness. Or was that college basketball teams from Texas?

Studies say that nearsightedness is not caused by staring at computer screens, but from people not being outdoors in natural light. Mostly because the glare from natural light makes it too hard to see what is on their laptops, tablets and smartphone screens.

A study says that men prefer an “optimal angle of lumbar curvature.” Which is how anyone talking to nerds would say “awesome booty.”

A study says that yoga may ease depression in pregnant women. Which would be a nice break ahead of the depression they will be dealing with for the next 18 years once they have given birth.

A study says that many acne patients don’t take their medications. Apparently the study was done at the front counter of a McDonald’s.

A Pennsylvania boy survived more than 100 minutes without a pulse after falling into a creek. Which is still well off the record of the eight years Dick Cheney served as Vice President without a detectable heartbeat.

A report says that Bruce Jenner sharing his transgender story with the public has caused a great divide in the family. Otherwise known as the plot line for the next season of “The Kardashians.”

The series finale of “Glee” aired last week. Not to say the show may have been on a bit too long, but all the actors who played high school students now find themselves out of work and at risk of a midlife crisis.

Snoop Dogg is reportedly developing an HBO show. Which could bring on a copyright lawsuit from Showtime over their series “Weed.”

The Emmys has ruled that “Orange Is the New Black” is a drama even though it has previously been nominated as a comedy. There hasn’t been this much confusion over whether a show is a comedy or not since “Two Broke Girls.”

Pharrell Williams says the verdict in the copyright trial over “Blurred Lines” was “shocking.” The only thing more shocking was watching Robin Thicke have a number one selling record.

David Copperfield’s Manhattan rooftop swimming pool burst, sending water cascading down 30 floors. The only thing that David Copperfield has ever made disappear faster is his career.

David Copperfield’s Manhattan rooftop swimming pool burst, sending water cascading down 30 floors. The sad part was when he attempted to avoid legal action by trying to convince his neighbors it was all an illusion.

A report says the Seattle Seahawks and quarterback Russell Wilson are close to a new deal. It is the only contract in the NFL that will pay the quarterback more if he doesn’t throw with the game on the line.

A report says the Seattle Seahawks and quarterback Russell Wilson are close to a new deal. Unlike the final play of the Super Bowl, Pete Carroll is telling him to run with it.

Archaeologists say they have found tools with animal fat that show humans butchered big game 500,000 years ago. That along with the discovery of several empty bottles of honey mustard barbecue sauce.

Researchers say they can explain why some mushrooms glow in the dark. Which is different than how after eating magic mushrooms everything else glows in the dark.

The stock market valuation of Facebook is now up to $230 Billion. Which is $229,999,994,000 more than the value of the company’s total assets consisting of an Internet server in the corner of an office in Menlo Park, California.

House Republicans used GIFs of celebrities including Britney Spears to protest immigration policies. If they really wanted to use the image of a celebrity that would get people to support deporting immigrants, they should have used Justin Bieber.

NASA is testing virtual reality smart glasses that could be used on a trip to Mars. Mostly so astronauts can have something to pass the time when they realize they are stuck on Mars where there is absolutely nothing to do on the entire planet.

Last week was International Day of Happiness. Which is not to be confused where most Americans are happiest when they are stuffing themselves at the International Houses of Pancakes.

A government report blasts IRS security, saying that taxpayer data is left vulnerable to hackers. Which is not a concern to most people who usually don’t have anything left for anyone to defraud once the IRS is done with them.

A study by IBM says that mobile app developers are neglecting security which could leave their customers open to being hacked. Although how much protection is needed for someone who only downloads apps that make their screen look like a glass of beer?


Senator John McCain told President Obama to "get over your temper tantrum" over Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. Although if Netanyahu wants to see a real temper tantrum, just wait until he walks across McCain's lawn.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! March Madness makes its way through the first weekend. I didn’t fill out a bracket this year. Only because I found it much more interesting instead of turning the TV to college basketball to instead watch the grass grow in my yard. But then again, I am not the one to look to for what’s exciting as I am busy getting geared up for the Master’s and the start of baseball season. Woohoo! However, people do keep asking me about the Final Four. Although what they mean is that they enjoy my blog more when they only read the final four jokes and ignore all the other just so they don’t waste as much time. OK, that was a long way to go for a pretty small payoff. The only payoff I ever ask for is that you remember once in awhile to keep on sending the love!

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