Friday, March 20, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says that 54% of Democrats say the party should run a fresh face in 2016. Although most candidates come out of Congress and if you have looked over there recently that is probably the last place to find a fresh face.

Google is working on a face recognition system they say is accurate to matching a face to a database of 260 Million photos. The only way to fool the system is to use a picture that is unrecognizable, like the one on your driver’s license.

A new tracking system allows the government to see which federal websites people are looking at. Which will be a lot more useful once the 97% of the people currently online can finally figure out how to navigate their way out of the Obamacare website.

A poll shows that 50% of Americans are still unaware of the Obamacare penalty. Or as Republicans call the Obamacare penalty, “Obamacare.”

A study says that limiting fast food outlets in Los Angeles did not cut the obesity rate. In fact, some diners at restaurants on Melrose Avenue still were measured at having a BMI in double digits.

A 104 year old woman in Texas says the key to her longevity is drinking three Dr. Peppers every day. Which means there is actually someone who followed their logo of having one at 10, 2 and 4?

A 104 year old woman in Texas says the key to her longevity is drinking three Dr. Peppers every day. Which for most people would be followed up by a visit to their other doctor, the endocrinologist who treats their diabetes.

Bill Gates says that Artificial Intelligence could grow more intelligent than humans. Especially the ones who still think they are going to get a computer to work properly that runs on Windows Vista.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu says he still supports a “realistic” two state solution between Israel and Palestine. Which unfortunately won’t be realistic as long as those two states are involved.

A study says that Washington, D.C. has the third longest work week in the country. Mostly because members of Congress consider it part of work when flying back and forth to their vacation homes every weekend along with all the time it takes for their junkets, fundraisers and dinners with lobbyists.

A study says that increasing sugar consumption is hurting the world economy with its detrimental health effects. Meaning that the economy would be growing more if we were growing less.

The NSA Chief says the U.S. cyber defense strategy doesn’t work. Mostly because up until now our cyber defense strategy consists of NSA agents snooping through our e-mails and cellphones looking for people’s stash of naked pictures.

A study says that 5,500 Americans in the past few years have managed to put away $1 Million in their 401(k) accounts. Which would be good except for the $2 Million they owe on their mortgage, credit card debt and student loans.

Graff Diamonds has designed a 150 carat diamond watch that sells for $40 Million. Although that works out to only $37 Million a watch if you buy the set of a dozen available at Costco.

Graff Diamonds has designed a 150 carat diamond watch that sells for $40 Million. The watch itself is digital. Meaning the person wearing it is pretty much showing their middle digit to everyone else in that they can afford a watch that costs $40 Million.

Graff Diamonds has designed a 150 carat diamond watch that sells for $40 Million. The worst part is when it breaks the main spring beyond repair and the owner has no other option than to toss it into the trash.

A study says that law school applications have hit a 15 year low. You know it’s getting bad when there aren’e enough people left to sue for lawyers to make enough money to pay their tuition bills.

A survey says that two thirds of Americans have loaned money that they will never get back. Or as banks call that practice, a mortgage.

A survey says that two thirds of Americans have loaned money that they will never get back. Which is unfortunate, since that Nigerian prince sounded so sincere online.

A study says that support for government safety nets has fallen among those who need it the most. Which can mean only one thing. Even poor people are starting to watch Fox News.

Bacardi has introduced a liquor made from distilled tea called “Tang.” Which finally explains how NASA was able to get those astronauts in the right frame of mind to sit on top of a rocket and be shot into orbit.

A study says the middle class is struggling in all 50 states. Which is really bad for the lower class who now have to struggle to get to the point where they are struggling.

A study says the middle class is struggling in all 50 states. Although the remedy for that is to move to Alabama or Mississippi where just having to struggle to get by is considered upper class.

Standard General says it is bidding $145.5 Million to buy out RadioShack at a bankruptcy hearing, saying it will save 9,000 jobs. Mostly the bankruptcy lawyers who will be working to try to save Standard General after they throw away $145.5 Million.

Standard General says it is bidding $145.5 Million to buy out RadioShack at a bankruptcy hearing. To which RadioShack is asking if they would like any batteries with that.

A Lufthansa pilots’ strike has been extended, resulting in hundreds of canceled flights and stranding thousands of passengers. Or as United Airlines calls that, “Tuesday.”

Alcohol giant Diageo says it will start putting nutrition information on its products which include Johnny Walker and Guinness. In the case of David Hasselhoff, nutritional information that comes along with alcohol includes a cheeseburger eaten off the living room carpet.

Alcohol giant Diageo says it will start putting nutrition information on its products which include Johnny Walker and Guinness. In the case of some women, drinking too much results in them needing to figure out the nutrition needed when eating for two.

A report says the FTC wanted to sue Google in 2012 for using anti-competitive tactics and abusing its monopoly of the Internet. Then they realized if they sued them for being a monopoly that squashes the competition, they would also have to sue the airlines, wireless carriers, oil companies, big tobacco, cable TV...

A report says the FTC wanted to sue Google in 2012 for using anti-competitive tactics and abusing its monopoly of the Internet. They changed their minds when they realized they did us all a favor from keeping Microsoft from doing the same thing.

A top GOP lawmaker called the FCC’s Net Neutrality regulations were just giving in to “politically generated populist furor.” Who does the FCC think they are, Fox News?

The UK is trying to simplify its tax system so that tax returns would be almost completely eliminated. Which is different than the U.S. where tax returns have been eliminated for most people along with the elimination of their income.

The UK is trying to simplify its tax system so that tax returns would be almost completely eliminated. The government’s simplified plan is if you have any income, send it all in.

JetBlue and Southwest Airlines have been ranked as the best carriers for customer experience in the U.S. In all fairness, United was left off the list because they didn’t have any flights that actually got off the ground during the time of the survey.

JetBlue and Southwest Airlines have been ranked as the best carriers for customer experience in the U.S. Apparently those were chosen because as discount air carriers, those were the only ones people could afford to fly and be included in the survey.

A study says that dogs evolved to be man’s best friend because of the presence of the “love hormone” Oxycontin. Researchers say the dogs that didn’t have the hormone in their system turned into a bunch of bitches.

A group of health campaigners says the tobacco industry makes $7,000 for each tobacco related death. Not only that, but apparently it was discovered since 1964 they have been getting kickbacks for the extra business from the casket and funeral industries.

A group of health campaigners says the tobacco industry makes $7,000 for each tobacco related death. Which is a bad business model in that they keep losing all their best customers.

A study says that energy drinks can raise blood pressure to unhealthy levels. Especially when you realize you just paid $3.50 for a 12 ounce drink that made you sweat bullets and shake for three hours.

A study will investigate whether dogs’ saliva can help people with their allergies. If you have noticed what your dog has been licking lately, it might be better to just take your chances with the allergies.

A study says that having a sense of purpose may benefit the brain. Which is bad news for the researchers who spent months of their life on a study that no one will pay any attention to.

Liza Minnelli is reportedly in rehab for substance abuse. Apparently she decided she needed help when she finally got sober enough to realize she actually married David Gest.

A former producer for Jerry Springer is being investigated in the death of her sister. Apparently the two women fought after the sister who was a stripper slept with the other woman’s boyfriend and had a baby which he is now filing a paternity dispute.

Adam Levine reportedly threw a microphone in anger during a performance that hit a woman in the head. The good news is that only a couple of letters need to be shifted to change the group’s name to the more appropriate “Moron 5.”

Actress Eva Mendes says that sweatpants are “the number one cause of divorce.” Especially when a woman catches her husband trying to sneak into the bedroom at three in the morning wearing a three sizes too small pair of sweatpants that say “Juicy” on the backside.

Rapper Iggy Azalea says she may never return to social media. Which doesn’t bother most people who are just trolling around all the sites looking for the latest cat videos anyway.

The government released data on which of the government’s websites are the most popular. It’s the first time anyone has ever used “government’s websites” and “most popular” in the same sentence.

A survey says that 46% of consumers are interested in cutting cable services. The other 54% have still figured out a way to splice into their neighbor’s line for free.

A survey says that 46% of consumers are interested in cutting cable services. The other 54% will put up with the outrageous costs, rude customer service and frequent outages as long as they can still watch the latest episode of “The Kardashians.”

Ikea has stopped a plan for thousands of people to play hide-and-seek in their Netherlands stores. The company says if the point to coming to an Ikea store is to do a frustrating activity with no end that involves trying to locate hidden objects, why not just try to put together an Ikea sofa?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is the first day of spring. More importantly it is the last day of winter. After a long, cold and snowy season, the only question is how long will it be until everyone is complaining about the heat? I will never complain about anything as long as you all remember once in awhile to send the love!

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