Thursday, March 19, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

NFL owners are considering a proposal to let instant replays correct officiating errors. So now we’ll have a timeout for a replay with another timeout to replay whether the officials correctly called the replay.

A former Facebook employee is suing the company for sex discrimination and sexual harassment. She says that kind of behavior should be limited to people who are her Facebook friends.

Donald Trump has announced a plan for an exploratory committee for a run for President. The committee will explore whether there are actually any people in the country insane enough to actually vote for him.

Donald Trump has announced a plan for an exploratory committee for a run for President. He says he won’t renew his contract for another season of “The Apprentice.” That shows he is already listening to the will of the people.

A Nevada lawmaker wants to make medical marijuana legal for pets. Using pot could make animals just want to eat and lay around all day. Which means cat owners will be asking what’s the difference?

A study says the longer a baby is breast fed, the more they will achieve in life. Especially compared to the babies whose parents just feed them with some McDonald’s leftovers, Doritos and pizza they puree in the blender.

A study says the longer a baby is breast fed, the more they will achieve in life. Apparently researchers got the idea after seeing how an obsession with breasts led all the way to the White House for Bill Clinton.

A study says the global population will threaten to outstrip the world’s fresh water supply by mid-century. Researchers say fortunately the French are leading the way to conserve  water by drinking only wine and just bathing every other week.

GM says it will pull Opal and most Chevrolet models in Russia because of plummeting sales. Auto industry experts were surprised. They still make Opals?

GM says it will pull Opal and most Chevrolet models in Russia because of plummeting sales. However, they will keep a staff on hand through 2018 to take care of all the recalls that will be issued for GM cars sold in the past five years.

A new Oregon law will automatically register all eligible voters unless they decide to opt out. A similar law is being proposed in Chicago that would even register people who are still living.

Sigma Alpha Epsilon has announced a plan to end instances of racial discrimination and insensitivity among members. The fraternity says it will try to get back to its more traditional values of excessive drinking and sexual misconduct.

The White House has criticized Benjamin Netanyahu’s “divisive rhetoric.” After all, he just won an election as Israel’s Prime Minister, not as a member of Congress.

A survey says that 46% of Americans are worried they will run out of money during their retirement. The other 54% don’t need to be concerned as they ran out of money back in 2007.

A survey says that 46% of Americans are worried they will run out of money during their retirement. But only if they live more than three months past the day they call it quits.

A survey says that 46% of Americans are worried they will run out of money during their retirement. The other 54% just hope they can live to their projected retirement age of 93.

Microsoft says it will launch Windows 10 during the summer as a free upgrade. Which will be especially true for anyone still running Windows Vista, to which anything would be considered an upgrade.

A report says that Atlanta is the most unequal city in the country, with the wealthy making 19.2 times more than the poor. As opposed to Detroit where everyone who has a job makes the same minimum wage.

Buick topped the list on the J.D. Power customer satisfaction survey for mainstream cars. Which was good news for the average Buick owner who knows that being over 80 is now considered mainstream.

Starbucks says it will launch a delivery service in Seattle and New York City this year. They hope to do better than the last attempt at coffee delivery which took several years just for Juan Valdez to hand pick the coffee beans and get his donkey past border security.

Starbucks says it will launch a delivery service in Seattle and New York City this year. Which means people will be able to wait a half hour for their order to be prepared while dealing with a smug barista’s attitude without ever leaving the office.

T-Mobile has announced it will pay people $650 per line to switch over from their carrier. In other words, they will pay the last monthly bill for anyone who is still with AT&T.

The Chair of the Federal Reserve is warning that workers’ pay may not rise any time soon. At least not for most people until Congress gets around to raising the minimum wage.

A study says that spouses influence each other’s exercise habits. Especially men who are motivated to run long distances after their wife catches them sneaking into the bedroom at three in the morning.

Researchers say they have found a way to cut wine hangovers. Apparently they are recommending the method used by winos for years who realize that a hangover only comes around when you actually stop drinking.

A study says a good night’s sleep is important for a woman’s sex life. Although most women know that if the sex is good enough there won’t be any time for sleeping.

A study done by BYU says that loneliness can increase a person’s mortality. Which is why most people graduating BYU know it’s impossible to be lonely when you have five wives around the house.

A study says that hot flashes and night sweats for women can last into their 60s. And that’s just from looking at their 401(k) account and wondering if they will ever have enough money to retire.

A study says that antipsychotics can increase the risk of premature death for people with dementia. But then, do we really want a lot of demented psychotics living to a ripe old age?

A study says that antipsychotics can increase the risk of premature death for people with dementia. Although if you are old enough to have dementia, how premature can death really be?

A study says that preparing meals from TV cooking shows can lead to weight gain. Which is still better than having your spouse attack you with a spatula after learning how to cook by watching Gordon Ramsay.

A study says that preparing meals from TV cooking shows can lead to weight gain. Especially for the people watching Paula Deen make even grabs a stick of butter to start making the salad.

A research paper says a three part test may be able to predict who will get Alzheimer’s Disease. Which doesn’t look good for patients who fail the first part of the test when they don’t even show up because they forgot where they put their car keys.

E!’s “Fashion Police” is on hiatus until two hosts who are leaving the show can be replaced. Which shouldn’t be too difficult when you consider most the people who watch E! get their fashion ideas from “Honey Boo Boo” and “Duck Dynasty.”

Playboy is defending its interview with Azealia Banks where she said she “hates everything about America.” They were surprised at the backlash, mostly because it’s the first time anyone had ever actually picked up a Playboy for the interview.

Duchess Kate has revealed her due date for her second child in mid to late April which means the birth could take away from the upcoming election. Which is ironic as for anyone in line to the throne, election day pretty much is the day they are born.

Kendall Jenner says she will always love her dad Bruce whether he is a man or a woman. At least as long as he doesn’t borrow and stretch out her favorite top.

Steve Buscemi is producing a documentary about a gay inner city gang. It will be the first time gay gangs will be featured in a film since the Jets and Sharks had their choreographed rumble in “West Side Story.”

A CBS soap opera has revealed one of its characters is transgender. The sex change was a complete surprise to the character’s four ex-husbands, eight lovers and evil twin.

The NFL is considering a bonus point kick following a successful two point conversion. Which would have all the excitement and drama as if baseball followed a grand slam home run with the next batter getting an automatic intentional walk.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver says that talking about a possible lockout in 2017 would be premature. Which means that it really isn’t since he is already talking about it.

A 1792 penny is expected to be auctioned for as much as $2 Million. Which shows that Ben Franklin was right that a penny saved is a penny earned, at least after 223 years.

A Google executive says he wants self-driving cars to be standard within five years because he never wants his 11 year old son to take a driving test. Talk about taking the long way around saving a few dollars for driving lessons.

Honda is conducting virtual crash tests on its cars. Apparently it is to see the damage caused by someone running into oncoming traffic after being distracted while wearing their virtual reality headgear behind the wheel.

Google CEO Eric Schmidt says he wants Congress to increase the number of visas given to high skilled workers. Apparently he wants to bring people to the states to make it easy to keep an eye on the people he is outsourcing all the jobs to.

Aaron Schock’s father says the resigning congressman will be successful in two years, as long as he isn’t in jail. Which is good to see a dad who stands behind and believes in his son, especially when even he doesn’t buy his story.

Aaron Schock’s father says the resigning congressman will be successful in two years, as long as he isn’t in jail. Which means his dad isn’t sure his son stole enough money to pay for the kind of legal team he will need.

The Secret Service says surveillance videos taken the night two agents crashed into the White House gates may have been destroyed. Either that or they may have just been misplaced by the guards on duty who were also drunk.

The Secret Service says surveillance videos taken the night two agents crashed into the White House gates may have been destroyed. More than likely because they showed two Secret Service agents crashing their car into the White House while drunk.

Dick Cheney says that President Obama is the worst President in his lifetime. Only because when George W. Bush was in the White House Cheney still had his old heart which for those eight years made him technically dead.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! March Madness starts today. I am sure you will find me in front of the TV set through the whole tournament. Watching something else. I am not a huge college basketball fan. Who can believe in any sport where the coach actually gets paid a little more than the players? And how about a bracket that lets people bet on the team most likely to graduate some of its players? Now that would take some talent to win. In the meantime, the only talent you need to have to make me pay attention is when you remember to send the love!

No comments: