Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A research paper says humanity is past 4 of the 9 planetary boundaries keeping Earth hospitable to modern life. It says if we go past another 3, the whole planet could end up being New Jersey.

The Secret Service is asking for $8 Million to build a fake White House for training purposes. Which seems a bit pricey just to show someone how to keep people out by remembering to lock the front door.

The Secret Service is asking for $8 Million to build a fake White House for training purposes. It would be used so that agents can practice how to navigate around the property while driving drunk without actually crashing into the gates.

The Secret Service is asking for $8 Million to build a fake White House for training purposes. A better idea would be to build a fake Capitol Building and fill it with a replacement Congress that would actually do some work.

A United Airlines flight had to return to Washington, D.D. after a passenger charged the cockpit. To which United says that is what happens when you have a flight that isn’t canceled before takeoff.

A study says that workplace suicides are on the rise. Which is finally some good news for people who haven’t been able to find work since the recession started in 2007.

A study says that workplace suicides are on the rise. Or as people who know they will have to work until the day they die call it, “early retirement.”

San Francisco is considering allowing 16 year olds to vote. Which will give young people at least one chance to vote in the city before they become adults and have to move somewhere they can actually afford to live.

A Manhattan lawyer is being accused of dressing as a TSA agent in an S&M session with his girlfriend and choking and threatening her with a knife. Although his girlfriend does say the experience wasn’t as demeaning and invasive as being screened by a real TSA agent at the airport.

The EPA wants to install equipment in hotels to monitor how long guests stay in the shower. Which they will find will be much longer times for people staying at Super 8 Motels who need the extra time to try to get clean after spending the night in one of their rooms.

A study says that living in isolation brings the same health threats as obesity, smoking and drinking excessively. Mostly because the people are in isolation since no one wants to be around a fat drunk who smokes.

President Obama gave an interview where he told young people they should care more about jobs than legalizing marijuana. Which they do, mostly because they know they need a job so they have money to be able to buy some more weed.

A car mechanic in California says he bought a winning lottery ticket worth $1 Million but can’t find it. Which is ironic in that when he finds it after the expiration date he will need to find someone to fix the gasket he will blow.

A car mechanic in California says he bought a winning lottery ticket worth $1 Million but can’t find it. Until now, winning the lottery for mechanics meant finding a wealthy customer who owns a Chrysler.

An 11 year old student in Virginia was suspended for a year for having a marijuana leaf that turned out to not be pot after all. Which upset the student who thought it went along nicely with his collection of coca plants, opium poppies and magic mushrooms.

The Pentagon says it can’t find $500 Million in Military aid given to Yemen. Which shouldn’t be hard to locate since $500 Million would probably pretty much cover the entire cost of Yemen’s military.

 The Pentagon says it can’t find $500 Million in Military aid given to Yemen. Mostly because to the Pentagon, $500 Million is one tank, three toilet seats and a hammer.

Facebook will start allowing people to send friends money through their Messenger app.  Which means everyone can expect to start getting friend requests any day now from several Nigerian princes.

A report says that Jeeps are the cheapest vehicles to insure. Mostly because the insurance companies know the Chrysler products won’t be getting into any accidents since they will be spending 90% of their time at the dealer for the latest recalls.

Indiana Representative Aaron Schock has resigned after questionable spending practices, including decorating his office to look like a room from “Downton Abbey.” Although if other charges are proven against him, his new digs could look more like something from “Orange is the New Black.”

President Obama says the new Republican budget proposal “doesn’t reflect the future.” Mostly because it is based on the assumption the country will still have some money left to actually spend.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz says promoting social good is also good for business. Because what is more socially responsible than taking $5 that could actually help someone and using it instead to buy a large mocha latte every morning?

The Treasury Department says the national budget is now more than $18 Trillion. Apparently the government’s idea is to just let it grow to the point where there isn’t enough money in the world to pay it off and our lenders will just have to forget about it.

A study says the U.S. is the most expensive place to have Type II Diabetes, with a lifetime cost of $283,000. Mostly because the cost adds up quickly when you eat breakfast every day at Krispy Kremes, lunch at McDonald’s, and dinner at Pizza Hut.

A study says that memories weaken without reinforcement. Which is why men have wives, so they never let them forget anything they have ever done wrong.

A study says that diet soft drinks are linked to belly fat. Especially when they are used to wash down a lunch of three Big Macs, two large fries and a couple of apple pies every day.

A study says that smoking causes weight loss. Mostly because after paying $8 a pack, smokers don’t have enough money left over to actually be able to afford to buy any food.

An association of doctors says guidelines should be reconsidered to not give heart screening tests to low risk patients. Which is good news for all three Americans whose lifestyles haven’t already given them symptoms of heart disease.

A study says the length of the index and ring fingers in men could indicate the risk of schizophrenia. Especially for the men who are paranoid because their fingers are always pointed at themselves.

A study says that American kids eat too much sugar and salt, not enough fruits and vegetables and too many are overweight. Which is good because it takes the attention away from how badly they are also doing at school.

Stephen Sondheim says that Lady Gaga’s performance of a medley of songs from “The Sound of Music” at the Oscars was “a travesty.” Although still not as much of a travesty as when the awards were hosted by James Franco and Anne Hathaway.

Stephen Sondheim says that Lady Gaga’s performance of a medley of songs from “The Sound of Music” at the Oscars was “a travesty.” Apparently he thought this should have been the proper occasion to bring out the meat dress.

Sinead O’Connor says she will stop singing “Nothing Compares 2 U” in concerts. Which means that she will have to instead sing that other hit she had, whatever that was.

Sinead O’Connor says she will stop singing “Nothing Compares 2 U” in concerts. Which is fine because if she wants to forget her past, all she has to do is stop shaving her head and no one will have any idea who she is in the first place.

Prince Charles and Camilla have arrived in the U.S. for a visit that includes a trip to Louisville. Apparently Camilla figures she can pay for the trip by going to Churchill Downs and having Charles betting for her to win on the Daily Double.

A book says that rich kids use the Internet to get ahead, while poor kids use it mindlessly. Meaning the poor kids post naked pictures online and the rich kids have figured out how to extort them to keep from showing them to everyone at school.

The domain “.sucks” will be available by the end of the month. Which will come in handy as a convenient location to find reviews of GM vehicles, Adam Sandler movies and the latest McDonald’s menu items.

Tesla CEO Elon Musk says his cars have the technology to drive themselves today although it wouldn’t be as safe as it needs to be. Which could be said of any car when the driver decides to take their hands off the wheel.

An algorithm has been elected to a corporate board in Hong Kong. Although there are already criticisms that the the new board member is just a numbers man.

The State Department’s unclassified network is back up after four days to clean up malware. Apparently the malware was traced back to Hillary Clinton’s private server as someone was using it to check out a porn site called “Naked Chubby Interns.”

Chip maker Nvidia has introduced a $10,000 computer that can reportedly teach cars to drive by themselves. Or you could just use that money to hire a chauffeur.

Pieces of metal found in boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese have prompted a recall of the product. The bad part is that it turns out the metal filings were actually the most nutritious ingredient in the meal.

Pieces of metal found in boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese have prompted a recall of the product. Although before they issued the recall, executives at Kraft thought they might start a new campaign to boas the product now comes fortified with iron.

The maker of Kim Kardashian’s video game is planning to team up with Kendall and Kylie Jenner for their own mobile game. Apparently it’s a road race game where you try to get the girls down PCH before they are knocked into oncoming traffic by Bruce.

Apple has patented a portable fuel cell power supply, paving the way for days’ long power supply. Which is another way of saying those rumors of the Apple Watch lasting only three hours on a charge may be true.

Microsoft has sent their Internet Explorer search engine to the electronic scrap heap after more than 20 years. Ironically, after it is tossed no one will be bothering to search for it.

Microsoft has sent their Internet Explorer search engine to the electronic scrap heap after more than 20 years. Mostly because the only thing people were using it to search for was how to make Windows actually work.

Microsoft is searching for a name for their web browser to replace Internet Explorer. Which really isn’t all that necessary except for the seven people who still actually use Internet Explorer as their search engine.

Tesla CEO Elon Musk says cars that people can drive themselves will eventually be outlawed. Mostly because no one will want to drive themselves once the car does everything and it will be OK to get behind the wheel and drink, text and catch some Zs.

Hackers compromised the medical information of 11 Million policy holders at Premera Blue Cross insurance. They will now be able to know the health history of all the customers by seeing what claims the insurance company denied.

The NSA’s top lawyer has left to join the private sector. Political experts were surprised. The NSA has people who know what the laws are?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The start of spring is just two days away. Which comes just in time for the St. Paddy’s Day revelers to finally get sober. Spring is a great season because it isn’t winter. Anyone who likes winter is either lying or younger than 6. Or living in Florida. But no matter what season it is, it is always the best time of year when you all remember to send the love!

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