Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Sirius founder Martine Rothblatt says she envisions a world of cyber clones. Which is already a reality if you tune your Sirius radio to the Boy Band Channel.

Hillary Clinton is expected to name 35 year old Robby Mook to manage her 2016 presidential campaign. Mostly because he is young enough to know how to set up an e-mail account that won’t get her into any more trouble.

Hertz is reportedly installing cameras that face the driver in some of their their rental cars. Which means their new slogan is “Let Hertz allow some creepy security guy watch everything you do while you are in the driver’s seat.”

Facebook says it won’t allow people to promote terrorism or hate speech on its site. Which means they will be suspicious of all posts that are anything other than pictures of meals or cat videos.

Coca-Cola is working with dietitians who suggest that the soft drink can be served as a healthy snack. Especially when it is the healthiest part of a meal after using it to wash down three slices of pizza and a doughnut.

Coca-Cola is working with dietitians who suggest that the soft drink can be served as a healthy snack. Because the first thing you look forward to after finishing a Marathon is  gulping down a 2 liter bottle of pure sugar.

A study says that sleeping more can cut the risk of diabetes. Mostly because getting an extra two hours of sleep a night takes away that time that people are usually up late raiding the refrigerator.

U.S. officials have launched an investigation after employees in several cities claim they were injured by hazardous equipment and lax safety standards. Although they were still in better condition than the people who ate all the McDonald’s food they were serving.

Russian President Vladimir Putin appeared in public for the first time in ten days. Apparently he was waiting until he didn’t have any more clean shirts he could put on.

Attorneys for real estate tycoon Robert Durst say he didn’t mean it when he was privately recorded saying he “killed them all” in reference to his connection in three unsolved murders. It doesn’t look good for him. Even O.J. Simpson is telling Durst he needs to get his story straight.

The oil glut has dropped crude to its lowest price in six years. Which makes people think about six years ago, when they still couldn’t afford to fill their cars up because gasoline was still to expensive.

Delays at U.S. airlines dropped in January from a year ago. Mostly because United Airlines was finally able to complete some of those delayed flights that were sitting on the tarmac since the previous January.

A poll says that many Americans believe they are still solidly middle class. Mostly because even though they don’t have much they are in the middle because they are better off than all the people who are now completely broke.

A survey says that half of all Americans are worried the NSA is spying on their online information. The other half are hoping that at least someone is watching all the cat videos they are posting.

Microsoft has introduced a version of Windows 10 that will work with every gadget that can connect to the Internet. The only problem will be having to reboot the refrigerator every time you want to make a sandwich.

The FAA predicts that air travel will grow at an annual rate of 2.5% over the next 20 years. Which brings up the question of where are they going to put the other 50% of passengers on planes which are now already 110% full?

A report says that at the current rate, women won’t reach pay parity with men until 2058. Mostly because the way the economy is going, that is the year we will reach 100% unemployment.

A report says the largest group of people selling their homes is the 35-49 year old Generation X. Mostly because they don’t need them anymore as they are getting ready to move back where they are most comfortable, in their parents’ basement.

The oil bust has resulted in 75,000 people losing their jobs. Mostly the people whose job it was to just follow oil company executives around all day and light their cigars with $100 bills.

Three collection agencies are suing the government for canceling their contracts to collect overdue federal student loans after reportedly misleading students about returning to good credit standing. Although their claims still weren’t as misleading as the students being told a college degree would get them a good job.

Starbucks and USA Today are teaming up to tackle race issues across the country. Although when is the last time you ever saw anyone other than a white person drinking a Starbucks while reading a copy of USA Today?

The New Jersey Senate has approved a bill that would allow Tesla electric cars to be sold directly in the state without a dealership. The only question people in the state have is whether the cars have enough of a range to take a trunkful of bodies all the way to the East River and back on one charge.

A poll says Hillary Clinton’s favorable ratings have fallen to 53%. The goal of the Republican Congress is to open enough investigations about her e-mails to get her down to their approval rating of 12%.

New York City is installing gunshot detectors in some of their most violent neighborhoods. The only problem is having to constantly replace the gunshot detectors which are found to be excellent to use for target practice.

A study says that people can die of a broken heart. Which is different than the people who have heart problems but their medical bills have made them go broke.

A study says that being lonely can ruin a person’s health as much as being obese. Especially when they lose all their friends because they eat all the pizza before anyone else can even get a slice.

France is likely to pass a bill banning super skinny models. Now all they have to do is try to get their models to learn how to use a razor and take a shower once in awhile.

France is likely to pass a bill banning super skinny models. Which is good news for  German models who may finally have a chance to make it down a catwalk.

A report says the Disneyland measles outbreak is linked to places with low vaccination rates. Which is a polite way of saying they are pretty much confined to areas that have a  low IQ rate.

A study says that age linked memory loss may be worse for men. Especially men who suffer related physical injuries when they forget their wife’s birthday, anniversary and Christmas present.

Mama June Shannon says she wants a spot on the show “The Biggest Loser.” Although she pretty much has that title sewn up because how much more of a loser can you be than getting kicked off “Honey Boo Boo”?

Brody Jenner says that he would save Reggie Bush from a burning building before he would Kanye West. Which is still better than most people who if they knew Kanye West was inside a building would get some gasoline and some matches.

Andy Summers says in a new documentary that Sting was not a team player with The Police. To which Sting asked “Who’s Andy Summers?”

Sharon Osbourne says her daughter Kelly “has to move into the big world.” Although she still has yet to say if they have ever figured out what world Ozzy is living in.

Betty White will be honored with a Lifetime Achievement Award at the Daytime Emmys. She would have been given the tribute at the prime time Emmys but at 93 years old she has to be done by 4:00 so she can catch the early bird dinner special.

Betty White will be honored with a Lifetime Achievement Award at the 42nd annual Daytime Emmys. Which is no big deal for the 93 year old since she almost already qualified for the award at the 1st Daytime Emmys since she was already 51.

Betty White will be honored with a Lifetime Achievement Award at the Daytime Emmys. Mostly because she made it all the way to 93 and more than 65% of her body is still original.

Heather Mills says that her ex-husband Paul McCartney needs to sing with Kanye West and Rihanna so people remember who he is. Which is like saying no one would have ever heard of Beethoven if it wasn’t for Walter Murphy.

Kanye West shared some nude pictures of Kim Kardashian on Twitter. Apparently it was for the three people who haven’t seen enough of Kardashian on her magazine spreads, Instagram and her sex tape.

Indiana State Representative Justin Moed says he won’t resign over his scandal in sending lewd texts to porn star Sydney Leathers. He claims he thought Sydney Leathers was an Australian tanner.

Prince Harry says he will leave the armed forces after serving a decade in the military. Apparently ten years to make it to Captain was a lot harder than coming out of the womb already a prince.

Prince Harry says he will leave the armed forces after serving a decade in the military. Why risk your life in a helicopter in combat when you can sit around and know you are just a couple of heartbeats away from being King?

A study says that half of all college students sent sexts when they were teenagers. Mostly to kids who were already in college.

A study says that half of all college students sent sexts when they were teenagers. Especially the kids who started on the Internet when the only social media available was Myspace.

A survey says that 30% of adults try to shield information from government surveillance. The other 70% are much more concerned about what would happen if their wives were ever able to get into their online accounts and see what they are doing.

Microsoft’s search engine Bing has introduced “Bracket Builder,” a program that claims to help people win the office March Madness pool. The question is who is going to let the company that created Windows Vista give them a hand at filling out their brackets?

Cuba has approved its first free open Wi-Fi hub. So far, the first 10,000 hits were all to Google looking for instructions on how to build a raft.

Cuba has approved its first free open Wi-Fi hub. The only problem is that when they open a Facebook account, the only person they can friend is Fidel Castro.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! March Madness is ready to get underway. Not the basketball tournament, the men who are running to the mall because they forgot to get their wives something for Valentine’s Day. Don’t worry if you still haven’t sent me anything. All I ever ask is that you always remember to keep sending the love!

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