Sunday, March 15, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

“Empire” co-creator Lee Daniels is accusing network television of “dumbing it down.” Where has he been since 1962?

“Empire” co-creator Lee Daniels is accusing network television of “dumbing it down.” The one thing still in their favor is “The Kardashians” are still relegated to cable.

A working meth lab was found in the restroom of a Wal-Mart in Indiana. Which means the Wal-Mart store where it happened was then officially designated as “full service.”

An autonomous car is set to make a 3,500 mile trip across the U.S. Apparently it was designed in mind with allowing Lindsay Lohan to get from L.A. to New York without being hauled into court again.

A report says that ISIS jihadists have a fondness for junk food, especially McDonald’s. Which is no problem to eat unhealthy food when your life expectancy is already down to 19.

A report says that ISIS jihadists have a fondness for junk food, especially McDonald’s. The worst part was when it was revealed that Ronald McDonald has switched over and is personally cutting the heads off all the chickens used to make McNuggets.

Scientists say that California has only one year of water left in its reservoirs. Which is no big deal since they also fortunately have several decades worth of water waiting to be bottled up by Perrier.

A new glove can reportedly transmit “touch” over the Internet. Which is completely different than the Internet touch being referred to when someone is looking at porn while typing with one hand.

Tunisia has arrested a comedian for offending their president. In the U.S. that is usually punished by giving them their own TV show.

Tunisia has arrested a comedian for offending their president. Apparently he offended him by identifying him as the president of Tunisia.

A study by researchers says there are too many studies. A grant was quickly applied for by other researchers for a study to see if there could be more studies commissioned on whether there really are too many studies.

A study by researchers says there are too many studies. Which is good because it keeps scientists busy and from bothering everyone else while they look for something to do.

The rent on a studio apartment in Manhattan is up to an average of $2,352 a month. Which is still $114 more than a coveted Viking refrigerator box on a prime corner in Midtown.

The world’s biggest home is for sale in Italy which boasts 115 bedrooms. It was built for the purpose of being a European destination that could accommodate a reunion for the entire family of Mitt Romney.

A survey says that London has the greatest number of super rich individuals in the world. Which is a good thing, because if several members of the Wal-Mart Walton family hadn’t recently moved it would be Bentonville, Arkansas.

A lawsuit in Texas could allow a cloned horse to be registered as a thoroughbred. The only problem with clones entering in the field is that people could cash in on win, place and show by betting on just one horse.

Health rumors are swirling about Russian President Vladimir Putin who hasn’t been seen for several days. Even more suspicious is that he hasn’t invaded a neighboring country in three weeks.

A United Airlines flight had to return to Denver International Airport after blowing a tire on takeoff. It serves the airline right to actually have a flight that they allow on the tarmac before anyone remembers to cancel it.

Three people died in a Kansas hospital after eating contaminated ice cream. Which is ironic as all the other people in the hospital were there from the effects over the years of eating too much regular ice cream.

Automakers are blaming car owners for problems with recalls, saying many of them don’t bring their cars in for necessary repairs. Mostly because many of the owners can’t bring their vehicles in for the three outstanding recalls until they get their cars back from being fixed for the previous four.

Automakers are blaming car owners for problems with recalls, saying many of them don’t bring their cars in for necessary repairs. Mostly because the car manufacturers say there wouldn’t be any problems if owners wouldn’t drive their cars in the first place.

A report says that Cuba is preparing for a boom from American visitors. Otherwise known as Major League Baseball pitching scouts.

A report says that 3 Million whales were killed around the world in the 20th century. It would have been even more if someone hadn’t talked the Red Lobster out of putting “blubber bisque” on the menu.

A study says there is an increasing gap worldwide in the pay between management and workers. Which is not going to go over well with the 6 year old kids sewing Nike shoes in China for 65 cents a day when they find out their boss is worth $22 Billion.

BP has signed a $12 Billion energy deal with Egypt. Which shocked many people in the oil industry who had no idea that you could actually have a production agreement with another country that didn’t involve a declaration of war.

Several companies including Wal-Mart are analyzing employee data to try to determine which of their workers is most likely to leave. The answer is just as soon as a chance to work somewhere other than Wal-Mart opens up.

Several companies are analyzing employee data to try to determine which of their workers is most likely to leave. Although one idea to keep workers around might be to take the money they save by not doing the study and instead use it for a raise for the employees.

A study says the average cost of a wedding is now $31,000. Which for men is still a lot cheaper than giving up half of everything they own when it’s time for the divorce.

A study says that six factors determine which people are going to be millionaires. Unfortunately, one of those factors is how much money your parents leave you and the other five concern winning the lottery.

The U.S. is appealing a ruling on the size of the BP Gulf Oil Spill. The difference between the court’s estimate and the government’s was more than 1 Million barrels. BP says is if the spill were as big as the government says, they would have lost too much money for there executives to still be lighting their cigars with $100 bills.

The U.S. is appealing a ruling on the size of the BP Gulf Oil Spill. The difference between the court’s estimate and the government’s was more than 1 Million barrels. Not to say the government had overwhelming evidence on their side, but tuna is now coming in cans labeled “chunk light,” “white” and “10W-40.”

Steve Case, the founder of AOL says we are at a pivotal point in the Internet’s history. Unfortunately, it will take another three years for the news to get to anyone who is still actually using AOL.

A 54 year old Texas man has set a world’s record for the most pull-ups in 24 hours with 4,321. Until now, anyone talking about someone over 50 and pull-ups was referring to adults diapers.

A study says that 30 Million Americans have a normal weight but still have a high percentage of body fat. You know we have gotten too obese as a nation when even getting down to normal weight is considered a health hazard.

A study says that watching e-cigarette ads can increase the urge for former smokers to light up a traditional cigarette. Especially when they are watching the ads on TV after having sex.

Britney Spears says she is working on a new album. Which is good news in that it means maybe this time she is going to wait to record it until after taking a few singing lessons.

Jamie Foxx says he will play Mike Tyson in a new biopic. Which means he will be pummeled by the former Champ after Tyson hears him onscreen and thinks he is making fun of the way he talks.

Jamie Foxx says he will play Mike Tyson in a new biopic. The film will hopefully answer the question on everyone’s mind. Where did Tyson get the notion that a face tattoo was a good idea?

The State Department shut down their Internet service over the weekend to clean up malware and improve security. Apparently there were some problems left over after Hillary Clinton sent several e-mails in response to messages from a Nigerian prince.

The first .com domain was registered 30 years ago this week. Which was celebrated by all the domain’s websites, including the seven still left that don’t feature porn.

A study says that Neanderthals wore eagle talon jewelry 130,000 years ago. Which makes it seem a lot less of a chore by comparison to have to stop by the mall jeweler every year on your wife’s birthday.

CIA Director John Brennan says that social media is making it harder to fight terror. Mostly because all the CIA agents are ignoring all the terrorists by spending their entire day posting pictures of their meals and watching cat videos on Facebook.

A new screen cover makes iPhones glove compatible. Which is good news for the people of Boston who will be able to keep their hands warm while they take pictures of the snow they are still shoveling away in June.

Estimates say that the net worth of Yahoo is negative $4 Billion. Most people thought the only way a company could pick up a negative net value would be if they bought AOL.

Steve Jobs reportedly refused an offer for a liver transplant from Apple CEO Tim Cook. Apparently even at that level no one likes a suck-up.

Four time Iditarod winner Lance Mackey says health problems could force him to retire from racing. The health problems may have something to do with being out in the middle of -50 weather for two straight weeks at a time.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Got my jokes posted a little later than usual this weekend, mostly because I was at a Karate Instructors Seminar. The best instruction I got was “Duck!” Fortunately, I didn’t get beaten up too badly. Next time could be different if they make me actually fight some of the men. The good news is that instead of get out of the hospital soon cards, my request is still as always that you just remember to send the love!

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