Friday, March 13, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Nielsen says that Americans are moving away faster than ever from traditional television. Mostly because traditional television has moved away from the Taylors of Mayberry to the Kardashians of Brentwood.

A company is developing an app that uses music to treat depression and insomnia. Which is caused from people being so tied to all their other smartphone apps they don’t have a life or ever get any sleep.

A report says that fake IRS agents have targeted 366,000 people in a huge tax scam. The problem is that no one is reporting them because they are easier to deal with and ask for less money than the real IRS.

A survey says there is near record low confidence in all three branches of the U.S. government. Political experts were shocked. There are people who know the three branches of government?

A survey says there is near record low confidence in all three branches of the U.S. government. Political experts were surprised. When has there ever been a reason to have even less confidence in our leaders?

A report says the two Secret Service agents who crashed into a White House gate while drunk disrupted a bomb investigation. Which was timely since anyone crashing into a gate at the White House must have been bombed out of their minds.

A report says the two Secret Service agents who crashed into a White House gate while drunk disrupted a bomb investigation. The latest scandal shows that if the Secret Service is performing any real service to the country, they are certainly keeping it a secret.

Capitol Police say that the September visit by Pope Francis I is going “above and beyond” their budget. To which Congress is asking when that has ever gotten in the way of doing anything?

A minor league ballpark in Delaware is selling a hot dog wrapped in bacon and served on a Krispy Kreme doughnut. Or as that is called in Delaware, a combination of all the basic food groups.

A minor league ballpark in Delaware is selling a hot dog wrapped in bacon and served on a Krispy Kreme doughnut. How bad is it when a meal’s most healthy ingredient is the hot dog?

Madonna is criticizing English station Radio 1 for banning her music. To which everyone under 30 is asking “What’s radio?”

Madonna is criticizing English station Radio 1 for banning her music, calling it “discriminatory and unfair.” Or it could be that their 15 year old listeners don’t want to hear songs sung by someone who is old enough to be their grandmother.

A Russian spokesman, commenting on health rumors about President Vladimir Putin says his powerful grip can “break your hand.” Putin’s health has been in question ever since he was seen in public recently wearing a shirt.

A Russian spokesman, commenting on health rumors about President Vladimir Putin says his powerful grip can “break your hand.” People shaking the hands of politicians in the U.S. aren’t so much worried about broken bones as they are losing their watch.

A report says that Americans own 54.5% of their properties, which is up from three years ago. They own their tent and sleeping bag, but the other 45.5% of their home is the park land underneath them that is still owned by the city.

A report says that U.S. households’ net worth saw their biggest gain in a year, up to $82.91 Trillion. Of course, $81.90 Trillion of that is the net worth of the households of Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Mark Zuckerberg.

A study says that most people who smoke marijuana have had little or no college. Mostly as they never finished high school from missing too many days because they were stoned out of their minds.

A study says that most people who smoke marijuana have had little or no college. To which most stoners say “Oh, yeah. I knew there was something I forgot to do.”

A report says that people who are 65 or older and are supporting their adult children are half as likely to retire as those who aren’t. It isn’t about money. They like having a job so they don’t sit at home and have to listen to all the noise coming from their basement.

U.S. airlines set a record by filling 83.4% of all available seats on flights in 2014. The only problem for travelers is sitting next to someone who is filling up 157% of their seat.

U.S. airlines set a record by filling 83.4% of all available seats on flights in 2014. Which means the planes are even more crowded when you figure the other 16.4% of seats are sold on United flights which are never going to get off the ground.

Warren Buffett’s $1 Billion March Madness perfect bracket challenge has gone bust after one year. In NCAA terms, that means it didn’t even make it past the play-in game.

A survey says that for a wealthy country, the U.S. is unusually religious and optimistic. Mostly because people are confident that if they pray enough they will get back everything they lost back in 2007.

The CEO of Coca-Cola has turned down a bonus but still received a 20% raise. Although the soft drink company’s poor performance in 2014 has a lot of investors want to do away with the bottle and see him get the can.

Disney has announced they will make a sequel to the hit movie “Frozen.” The animated film will feature a plot that concerns climate change and will be called “Room Temperature.”

Dollar General has reportedly excited investors with its growth plans. It’s also good news for the economy knowing the expansion is based on knowing there are more people out there who actually have a dollar to spend.

GM is cutting back on warranties and free service offered on some of its vehicles. Mostly as they are losing money doing so much free service because of all their warranty recalls.

A study says that a healthy lifestyle can guard against dementia. The first sign that things are going bad is when you can’t remember the last time you could actually see your toes.

A study says setting a work schedule based on employees’ preferences may improve their performance. Especially when their preference is working just two days a week, from 9 to 11 in the morning.

A trend finds some churches combining services with a gym experience. Until now, eternal damnation in the afterlife was the only time churchgoers had to be concerned about feeling the burn.

The first powdered alcohol drink called Palcohol has been approved by the government. The product makes a drink by adding water. Although it might be time to think there might be a problem when you find it also tastes great sprinkled on your morning cereal.

The first powdered alcohol drink called Palcohol has been approved by the government. Although it might be time to question if there is a problem when you find it tastes great when you prepare it by just adding vodka.

A panel of experts has recommended raising the smoking age in the U.S. to 21. That way it might also raise the age people actually start smoking up to 14.

A panel of experts has recommended raising the smoking age in the U.S. to 21. Although doctors are concerned it could cut back their income by putting off their inevitable health issues for another three years.

A study says that heavy pot use among teenagers is linked to memory problems. Of course, forgetfulness in teens can also be blamed on the fact they never listen to anything anyone ever tells them.

A new drug can reportedly cure double chins. Now all they need to do for most Americans is expand the research to come up with a drug that gets rid of their third, fourth and fifth chins.

A study says cochlear implants may improve the quality of life, thinking skills and social interactions of seniors with hearing loss. Except in the case of those who are much happier not having to hear their kids and grandchildren constantly asking them for money.

Prince Charles praised Camilla for taking on the real challenge of defining her public role. Now if she could just do him a favor and try to define what it is he actually does.

Kraft Singles has become the first product to earn a nutrition seal from the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics. How bad has our diet gotten that processed cheese product is now considered health food?

Kraft Singles has become the first product to earn a nutrition seal from the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics. What’s bad is that the Academy is recommending people throw away the cheese slice and eat the plastic wrapper.

A study says that conservative people say they are happy, while liberals actually are. Although conservatives really are happy as long as there is still a Clinton around they can bash.

A study says that conservative people say they are happy, while liberals actually are. The thing that makes liberals the most happy is knowing how much conservatives hate the thought of Barack Obama being President for another two years.

World box office movie receipts were up 1% last year over 2013. Mostly because so many people felt it was finally safe to go back into the theaters with “The Lone Ranger” out of circulation.

Lindsay Lohan and prosecutors have agreed on new community service guidelines. Which could all be taken care of with less cost and less danger to the public if Los Angeles would just pay to hire her a full time chauffeur.

Former Navy SEAL Rob O’Neill, who calls himself “the man who shot Osama bin Laden” has joined Fox News. The only tough part is keeping him away from Bill O’Reilly when he claims he was knocking on bin Laden’s door when he heard him being shot.

A study says that the use of proper nouns in songs has been increasing over the years. Especially for any of Kanye West’s songs where he keeps singing about how much he loves Kanye West.

A pair of shoes worn by Michael Jordan in a game in 1984 will go up for auction. Another pair of Jordan’s shoes previously sold for $104,000. Which is still cheaper than a brand new pair of Air Jordan XX9s.

Archaeologists in Germany found what they call the first pretzel which dates back 250 years. Which was just slightly more stale than the previous oldest pretzel which was found inside a vendor’s cart at a Chicago Bears game.

Researchers are arguing that the Anthropocene or the “age of man” began in 1610. Which means you have to give us credit for being able to go more than 400 years past that without completely destroying the entire planet.


The Milwaukee Brewers have temporarily banned the celebratory high five because of an outbreak of pinkeye. To which the Houston Astros were asking "What are high fives?"

The Milwaukee Brewers have temporarily banned the celebratory high five because of an outbreak of pinkeye. Which is different from the red eyes still apparent on Seattle Seahawks fans since the last play of the Super Bowl.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! March Madness starts next week. Not the basketball tournament, the last efforts of people to try to find receipts to back up their claims for all the phony deductions that got them an IRS audit. I couldn’t care less about the basketball thing. I just find it interesting how a bunch of college graduates go to cheer on a team that won’t compile an aggregate of one semester’s worth of credits during their entire four years of eligibility. They should have a separate tournament for schools that actually graduate some of their players. The only problem with that would be finding a team that would qualify. All I know is that college educated or not, the way to truly show your appreciation here is to always remember to send the love!

No comments: