Thursday, March 12, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The U.S. military is reportedly testing bomb sniffing elephants. The only problem is when the bomb explodes in the four hours it takes to get the elephant in the back seat of the car to take them to the bomb site.

Students at a New Mexico high school voted to make communism their prom theme. The awkward part will be when instead of picking a prom king and queen they will have a supreme leader and tsarina.

Students at a New Mexico high school voted to make communism their prom theme. The only problem is that the dance will cost two years wages and anyone using the bathroom will have to wait in line six hours for toilet paper.

Utah is set to bring back capital punishment by firing squad in case there is a shortage of drugs for lethal injections. They had to go with the firing squad because the guillotine blade is rusted, the rack is in disrepair and no one can find the Iron Maiden.

A town in Italy got more than 100 inches of snow in 18 hours. Which is good in that they now have 364 days and 6 hours to go through the other three seasons.

Disney’s live action version of “Cinderella” has inspired a $4,600 pair of glass slippers. The reason they are so expensive is that they are being made by Nike and sold as “Glass Jordans.”

An Italian court has upheld former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi’s acquittal of participating in sex parties. There was no doubt he was guilty, it’s just that the judge wanted to spare the jury from having to look at any pictures of Berlusconi naked.

A Florida church that held naked paint parties has lost its tax exempt status. Although they can still deduct the cost of buying disinfectant for the pews.

A Florida church that held naked paint parties has lost its tax exempt status. The only problem is that when they do pay their tax bill it is with a huge stack of one dollar bills.

A Boston area man was ticketed for failing to shovel his sidewalk which he says doesn’t exist. The only problem is he won’t be able to prove his case until all the snow melts off sometime in August.

United Airlines is testing a new boarding area model at O’Hare International Airport that will allow customers to be more comfortable and productive while waiting for flights. The new system will automatically notify passengers’ next of kin how many more months it will take before their canceled flight will be rescheduled.

A report says women still can’t shake the pay gap where they are paid 78 cents for every dollar to a man doing the same job. Fortunately, most businesses are doing something about that as they know there can be no discrimination as long as they just pay everyone the minimum wage.

A survey says investors need $2.5 Million in savings to retire and enjoy the quality of life they are used to. Although what isn’t taken into account is the increase in the quality of life in retirement from just not having to go in to work anymore.

Johnny Depp injured his hand while working on the fifth installment of “Pirates of the Caribbean.” Although there is speculation it may be some shrapnel left over from his last bomb, “The Lone Ranger.”

Music industry experts say the “Blurred Lines” verdict against Robin Thicke and Pharrell Williams could have “chilling consequences.” For one thing, it means that artists will actually have to start coming up with some original tunes.

A report says the average Wall Street bonus for 2014 was $172,860. As opposed to the rest of the country that considers it a bonus when the boss tells them they still have a job the next day.

A report says the average Wall Street bonus for 2014 was $172,860. That’s a 2% increase from the year before which was welcomed news in the tough economy. Things have been so tight, some traders have had to cut back to two nannies and lighting their cigars with only $50 bills.

The buyout of PetSmart has been completed along with the naming of a new CEO. In order to get the most out of the $8.7 Billion deal, investors will make sure the new top executive will be kept on a short leash.

Toyota has recalled 112,000 vehicles with steering and software issues. Which is going to be a tough sell for the automaker when they introduce a self-driving car that avoids crashes by using its steering and software.

DirecTV is being charged with false advertising by the FTC. The worst part for the company is that the first witness called by the FTC will be Poor Decision Making Rob Lowe.

A study says that the world is in a new epoch called the Anthropocene where the Earth is being altered by human activities. Some people like to put a positive spin on it by instead of calling it “climate change,” they prefer “planet warming party.”

A report says that optimism among CFOs is at an eight year high. Mostly because people are finally starting to forget what corporate CFOs did to the economy eight years ago.

A consumer advocacy group says a high tech talking Barbie that has conversations with kids is a bad idea. Especially the part where their conversations are stored for two years and Barbie sells them to the NSA to get some new furniture for her Malibu beach house.

A consumer advocacy group says a high tech talking Barbie that has conversations with kids is a bad idea. Although most parents will fork out the $74.99 for the doll just so it will save them from actually having to try to carry on a conversation with their children.

A report says that March Madness costs businesses $1.9 Billion in lost productivity. Apparently people are much less focused on what they are doing when they are watching college basketball at work all day instead of the usual Internet porn.

A study says that many workers could see cuts in their pension benefits under the current system of government support. Which is bad news for the three people who still actually have a job that comes with a pension.

A study says that scientists have made cocaine less addictive in rats by interfering with their memory. Apparently the rats gave up the drug once they finally remembered that they just put their entire life savings up their nose.

The British Parliament has voted to ban cigarettes with branding on the packages. Which means that smokers will now only have to worry about getting the generic form of lung cancer.

A doctor says that women seeking happiness should stop using prescription drugs, including the Pill. Although women are a little skeptical of that idea, seeing as how the Pill may be the only thing standing between them and being the Octomom.

New estimates say that screening men with Erectile Dysfunction for heart disease could save lives along with billions of dollars. The worst part is when someone with ED finds out the only thing in their body getting hard is their arteries.

A study says that 40% of Americans misremember where they were on 9/11. Especially Brian Williams, who says he was on top of the World Trade Center during the attack.

A study says that homeopathic remedies are no better than placebos. What’s worse is that placebos are sugar pills which may be the reason the people were getting sick in the first place.

Bruce Jenner has reportedly put a docuseries about his impending sex change on hold. Apparently he is worried that in the middle of production when he becomes a woman his pay scale will drop by 22%.

Kelly Osbourne says she left the show “Fashion Police” in order to “try other things.” For starters, how about coming up with a way that the rest of us can finally understand one thing that Ozzy ever says?

A new app reportedly helps doctors catch people at risk for committing suicide. Mostly people who realize they actually spent money and several hours on the app for the Kim Kardashian video game.

Selfie sticks have been banned at several tourist locations around the world, including the Palace of Versailles in France. You know it’s getting bad when French people would rather actually be asked to take a picture of someone than see them using a selfie stick.

A survey says that four in ten U.S. homes have a video streaming service. The other six will try to hook up their Roku just as soon as they figure out how to finally get their VCR to quit flashing “12:00.”

Hillary Clinton appeared at an eBay women’s summit in San Jose. She wanted to address workplace diversity, women’s rights and how much anyone thinks she could get in an online auction for that home server she used for her e-mails.

Lumoid will rent the new Apple Watch for $45 a week. The watch costs $350 new. Anyone who goes for that deal for more than a few days needs a watch that tells them it’s time to try to learn some basic math.

The IBM workforce dropped 12% in 2014. Things are getting slow slow for Big Blue that even Watson had two hard drives shut down.

A report says that Hillary Clinton’s e-mail system was not secured for a two month stretch. She should have been more like some of the members of the Senate who find it much less likely to be hacked by avoiding e-mail and just sticking to sending messages by semaphore and Morse Code.

A Nebraska woman has been arrested after threatening to bomb the building of the local cable company. It was hard to find her because she threatened to detonate the bomb on Monday through Friday sometime between 8am and 5pm.

3,000 skeletons were found in England in the path of a proposed train route. Which is different than in the U.S. where the skeletons are found after Amtrak service has actually begun.

Slipknot guitarist Mick Thompson was injured in a knife fight with his brother. Which shows that it doesn’t mean you can use a knife just because you know how to handle an axe.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This Hillary Clinton e-mail thing is puzzling. Is it really that big of a deal that she used her personal e-mail account for work? Let’s just be glad that a digital scandal with a Clinton doesn’t involve Bill sexting naked pictures of himself that we have to see. As far as I am concerned, you can use any e-mail account you like as long is it is for the purpose of sending the love!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It's a "big deal" because it gives her total control of government business she conducted as Secretary of State. This includes conversations about Benghazi that Congress has been trying to get their hands on for years.

If Hillary were a Republican, the Democrats would be screaming bloody murder like they did over the Nixon tapes. The hypocrisy is so obvious here.