Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says spending on prescription drugs is up 13%, the largest increase since 2003. Which just means that 13% of the population has been able to trade in getting their weed from a dealer for having their doctor to write them a prescription from the medical marijuana dispensary.

The president of Google Ventures is investing in projects to expand the human life expectancy, which he believes can reach to age 500. The biggest problem will be when Congress raises the minimum age of Social Security to 430.

The president of Google Ventures is investing in projects to expand the human life expectancy, which he believes can reach to age 500. The only problem with that will be trying to remember the birthdays of all your great-great-great-great grandchildren.

The president of Google Ventures is investing in projects to expand the human life expectancy, which he believes can reach to age 500. Although he came to that conclusion because it just looks like Larry King has already lived that long.

The president of Google Ventures is investing in projects to expand the human life expectancy, which he believes can reach to age 500. And you thought it took forever now to wait behind an elderly person in line at the ATM.

The French Parliament is debating whether terminally ill patients should be sedated until they die. To which the French people are wondering the same thing about Parliament.

A scent-trained dog was able to identify the presence of thyroid cancer in urine samples. The only problem is that if you have thyroid problems that are showing up in your urine, you probably need to pee a little more often.

A self-driving Mercedes has been seen around San Francisco. Which is a great place to test the idea and let the car spend the three hours it takes to find a parking place in the city.

Chelsea Clinton says she would consider a run for public office. The only bad part is that the announcement was found in an e-mail on Hillary’s server.

Chelsea Clinton says she would consider a run for public office. Is there some kind of gene that determines an entire family being gluttons for punishment?

The CEO of CNN says he wants to “age down” the network. Mostly because “Anderson Cooper 360” refers to the average age of CNN’s viewership.

The CEO of CNN says he wants to “age down” the network. Apparently he became concerned when viewers said they turn to CNN because CBS is geared to much to the kids.

A conservative religious leader has been chosen to lead an Iranian council. That’s about as newsworthy as reading that an old white man has been elected to Congress.

A conservative religious leader has been chosen to lead an Iranian council. Why does the Tea Party hate Iran when they have so much in common?

A bill is being proposed in Nevada that would boost the speed limit to 85 mph. Although it isn’t known if people need to drive faster to get to Las Vegas to start partying or to drive home when their wives find out where they are.

Hillary Clinton says she used one e-mail account for work and personal business out of “convenience.” Although not as convenient as her giving Republicans another reason to launch a series of attacks against her.

President Obama has signed a student aid Bill of Rights that will make the process of repaying student loans easier. How much easier can it be than it is now to just send in half your paycheck to the loan company for the next 40 years?

A federal report says California is nearly guaranteed to get a major earthquake in the next 30 years. No one is paying any attention. It’s been just as long that they have been telling L.A. they are going to get an NFL team.

A federal report says California is nearly guaranteed to get a major earthquake in the next 30 years. The report also says there is also a good chance that the Sun will rise in the east tomorrow.

Auto sales in Russia have dropped 38% in the past month. Who needs a car to drive anywhere when you are spending eight hours a day in line at the grocery store waiting for the latest rationing of toilet paper?

Burger King has dropped soft drinks off their kids’ menu. Which would be a great idea if anyone who cared about their caloric intake ever actually went into a Burger King.

Snoop Dogg is urging investors to unload their gun stocks. Apparently he is concerned about the number of people who could be hurt or killed by guns now that he has made it past the average rappers’ life expectancy of 25.

Snoop Dogg is urging people to unload their gun stocks. Those investors will listen to Snoop since he already made them rich by getting every teenager in the 90s who was into Gangsta Rap to buy their own arsenal.

A report says that companies are drug testing fewer people because it doesn’t work. Especially since most people are working to have enough money to buy drugs to get them through their day at the office.

Treasury Secretary Jack Lew says the economy is a “well oiled machine.” Especially because Congress sets the economic policies that are dictated by donations from lobbyists who work for Big Oil.

Dunkin’ Donuts says it will remove titanium dioxide from its powdered donuts. Which is too bad since it was actually the most nutritious ingredient in their recipe.

Dunkin’ Donuts says it will remove titanium dioxide from its donuts. They knew they would have to make a change when they noticed people were buying donuts just to snort the powder.

United Airlines is considering replacing its fleet of 757s. The airline feels it would be more practical to put their money into upgrading where their passengers spend most of their time. Sitting on the chairs at the airport gates waiting for their canceled flights to be rescheduled.

United Airlines is considering replacing its fleet of 757s. In a related story, Frontier Airlines is looking into replacing its current fleet of Piper Cubs.

Facebook has dropped its “feeling fat” emoticon. It will replace it with a new “feeling like a loser because I spend all day looking at what other people are posting on Facebook” emoticon.

The Labor Department says the number of people quitting their jobs has gone up 17% in the past year. Mostly because they figure that they make a lot more money on unemployment than they do after taxes on the jobs that only pay minimum wage.

The Labor Department says the number of people quitting their jobs has gone up 17% in the past year. The other 83% are still waiting until they actually find a job before they turn in their notice.

A group is planning to flood North Korea with 10,000 copies of the movie “The Interview.” Mostly because they would rather dump them there than take up all that space in domestic landfills.

A study says that holding kids back in school can lead to them getting lower scores. And vice versa.

A report says the sugar industry shaped government advice on cavities. Although critics say like kids’ teeth, the report is full of holes.

A report says the sugar industry shaped government advice on cavities.  Mostly so the government would ignore their role in obesity, diabetes and heart disease.

A study says that young men with a lower IQ are more likely to get drunk. That’s because the men who are smarter stay sober and spend their money getting their date drunk.

A study says that young men with a lower IQ are more likely to get drunk. Mostly because they don’t have as far to go to reach their intended mental capacity.

The FDA has issued a warning for the anti-smoking drug Chantix. How bad is it when doctors are having a hard time telling people which is more dangerous, smoking or quitting smoking?

A study says that depression and stress can increase the chances of heart disease patients dying. Well, that news is certain to make those people feel happier and more calm.

A jury has ruled against Robin Thicke in a case that claimed he copied the song “Blurred Lines” from an old Marvin Gaye tune. Not only that, but that he stole those aviator glasses from Tom Cruise back in “Top Gun.”

A restructuring at Viacom will result in layoffs at MTV. Mostly for tape operators who are still waiting for the latest Go-Go's video to be delivered.

A restructuring at Viacom will result in layoffs at MTV. Remember when the latest videos from the Police were played at MTV instead of on cable news?

Ride sharing business Uber is pledging to create 1 Million jobs for women drivers by 2020. Which sounds pretty empty because that is right when all the self-driving cars are projected to be on the roads.

Ride sharing business Uber is pledging to create 1 Million jobs for women drivers by 2020. Although most people are hoping the economy will improve enough to where women don’t need to work for tips by driving strangers around town.

A report says CIA researchers worked for nearly a decade to try to break the security protecting Apple iPhones and iPads. Apparently none of them thought of trying to use the password “12345.”

A report says CIA researchers worked for nearly a decade to try to break the security protecting Apple iPhones and iPads. Which is embarrassing considering how many of the people owning those devices have been contacted easily by a Nigerian prince.

Apple CEO Tim Cook agrees with Jesse Jackson that diversity in Silicon Valley is still elusive. If only tech companies had some money and smart people at their disposal to come up with a solution to that problem.

Facebook is reportedly allowing advertisers to mine “topic data” from users’ posts. The only problem is no companies have figured out what to do with the information gleaned from tracking 17 Million cat videos.

Apple says it will have thousands of apps for its new Apple Watch. It’s just hoped that at least one of them will do what the watch can’t. Keep accurate time.

Microsoft and Google were named as the most ethical IT companies. When it came to the oil industry, every oil company came in at a tie for last.

Microsoft and Google were named as the most ethical IT companies. Mostly because they know how to make their security tight enough so that no one knows what they are really up to.

A man who was on trial for fraud by claiming he rightfully owned half of Facebook has disappeared. Not only that, but Mark Zuckerberg and all the other company executives have officially defriended him.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! You have to love the technical age. 20 years ago Bill Clinton was impeached for having an affair. Now his wife is on the hot seat for having only one e-mail account. I think credit should be given for someone over 60 who even knows how to turn a computer on. I have just one e-mail account, jimbarach@hotmail.com. I say that so you can click on it right there and have no excuse to not send the love!

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