Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Former NFL quarterback Tim Tebow is reportedly considering a comeback. From what? In order to make a comeback don’t you have to actually be there in the first place?

Former NFL quarterback Tim Tebow is reportedly considering a comeback. Seattle fans know if they had Tebow behind the center there is no way Pete Carroll would have ended the Super Bowl with a pass play.

A poll says that anti-American sentiment is worse now in Russia than it was during the days of the Soviet Union. The worst part is that there still isn’t as much anti-American sentiment there than there is here.

Scientists say they have been able to implant memories in mice while they are asleep. Giving them memories that cats are their best friends will make it so we never have to buy another mousetrap again.

A ransom is being demanded from the Vatican for documents written by Michelangelo. To which anyone under 40 is asking if there has been anything stolen from the rest of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

A report says a growing number of parents are pulling their children out of standardized testing in schools. Apparently they are afraid that everyone else will find out about their kids what they already know.

A report says a growing number of parents are pulling their children out of standardized testing in schools. They think the people in Alabama have an unfair advantage in getting their kids tested against other students in Alabama.

HBO is starting an online streaming service. Which means technology has shifted so that people will be able to intercept HBO off their neighbors’ Wi-Fi instead of having to steal it from their cable.

A man accused of stabbing four people on an Amtrak train in Michigan has been ruled incompetent to stand trial. His lawyers argued the first sign he was crazy was when he bought a ticket on Amtrak.

The Supreme Court has handed Amtrak a victory in a lawsuit that challenges their power over competitors. The only problem is that there hasn’t been a mode of transportation competitive with Amtrak since they got rid of Conestoga wagons.

Stricter oversight has been ordered for animal research at a Nebraska experimental center. Although when it comes to experimenting on animals in Nebraska, it usually involves whether they taste better baked, fried or grilled.

A New York bound Amtrak train derailed in North Carolina. There will be the usual investigation. Mainly to find out how the train got as far as it did before it went off the tracks.

An Iranian man has been sentenced to two years in prison for attempting to fraudulently get a pilot’s license. He took prison over the option handed to him by the court which was to fly two years for United Airlines.

Florida Governor Rick Scott has banned the use of the terms “climate change” and “global warming” in anything officially associated with the state. That means the only scientific terms still approved for use by the state are “flat Earth” and “Sun revolves around the Earth.”

Florida Governor Rick Scott has banned the use of the terms “climate change” and “global warming” in anything officially associated with the state. Apparently he is mad that people who used to vacation in Florida are now booking beach trips to Maine.

Florida Governor Rick Scott has banned the use of the terms “climate change” and “global warming” in anything officially associated with the state. He has also ended the child vaccination controversy by saying all kids will be protected from diseases with daily bloodlettings.

Credit reporting agencies are planning to offer relief to people with bad credit from medical debt. Their advice to all those people is to not get sick anymore.

A study says that poor women are five times more likely than affluent women to have an unintended birth. Which is still one hundred times less likely than the women who date Kevin Federline.

The world’s airline accident rate dropped to a record low in 2014. The improvement was credited to better safety measures, better pilot training and the fact that only three United Airlines flights were not canceled before takeoff.

A new app uses Artificial Intelligence to offer recommendations on where to eat. For example, anyone with gravy stains all over their tie is given the suggestion to go back to HomeTown Buffet.

The FDA is issuing warnings about male enhancement products, like one called “Bigger Longer More Time More Sperms.” Mostly because the government doesn’t think that anyone buying a product called Bigger Longer More Time More Sperms and thinking it actually works needs to be reproducing.

Scientists say they have found a drug that turns bad white fat into good brown fat. Because everyone knows that obese people are much more attractive when they have just gotten an all over tan.

A study says that men and women pace themselves differently when running in a Marathon. Mostly because the men run faster knowing there is some cold beer waiting at the finish line.

A study says that men and women pace themselves differently when running in a Marathon. It’s just like sex. Women haven’t even finished warming up while the men are already crossing the finish line.

Studies say that marijuana may trigger allergies in some people. Mostly people who are already have sensitivities to pizza, Oreos and Doritos.

A study says that alcohol intake peaks at age 25 for most people but continues into old age. Especially for people who are trying to console themselves that alcohol use caused everything else in their lives to go downhill after they hit 25.

Studies show that exercise not only increases longevity, but makes death a faster process as well. Especially for people who are out jogging with their headphones cranked up who don’t hear that truck behind them.

British researchers say they have identified the area of the brain linked to pain intensity. Apparently it is the part that is connected to the hearing center that is activated whenever someone turns the TV to “Downton Abbey.”

A petition has been started to remove the “feeling fat” emoticon from Facebook. Although that is the way most people feel after they have just posted a picture of every meal they have eaten for the entire week.

A study says that too much praise can turn children into “narcissistic jerks.” Although those findings are being disputed by researchers who are asking who ever told Justin Bieber he was actually any good?

A study says that too much praise can turn children into “narcissistic jerks.” Which has been disproven time and again in congressional elections when we end up with narcissistic jerks even when nearly half the people vote against a candidate.

Apple has announced an app that will allow medical researches to collect information and perform studies. Mostly about the health problems encountered by people who are sitting on the couch all day staring at their electronic gadgets.

A new necklace has been created that helps dieters by monitoring how much food they are eating and alerts them when they have consumed too much. Although a traditional necklace works just as well if it is shortened to where it is three sizes too tight.

EBay has been overrun with bagged air samples from Kanye West concerts. Although a bag of air from a Kanye West concert is pretty much a redundancy.

Supermodel Christie Turlington Burns is reportedly the new face for the Apple Watch. Is that really necessary? Don’t all watches already come with a face?

Supermodel Christie Turlington Burns is reportedly the new face for the Apple Watch. Being a supermodel, she really likes the way the watchband that comes with it fits just perfectly around her waist.

The director of “Midnight Rider” the biopic about singer Gregg Allman has pleaded guilty in the death of a crew member who was hit by a train during filming. It was the biggest train wreck associated with Gregg Allman since Gregg Allman.

A producer at E! says there will be no spinoff reality show about Bruce Jenner. Apparently E! feels that show has already been done. It’s called “Nip/Tuck.”

A producer at E! says there will be no spinoff reality show about Bruce Jenner. Mostly because his driving alone will keep him too bust with appearances on “Cops” and “South Beach Tow.”

A new website allows college sports fans to donate money to their favorite athletes. Don’t they already have something like that? It’s called the alumni association.

A new website allows college sports fans to donate money to their favorite athletes. That has already been available for years. Academic students know that as their tuition bills.

A new website allows college sports fans to donate money to their favorite athletes. Which is great since the money can be used by the players once their eligibility is up to help them pay to go somewhere and actually get an education.

New smart luggage can interact with sensors in the cargo holds of planes to identify their location. Which allows the owners to be able to text about their Florida vacation while finding out how their baggage is getting along in California.

A report says that solar energy will be a dominant energy source by 2030. Unless the smog layer is too thick by then from burning fossil fuels that are the reason we need to go with solar power in the first place.

A poll says that 60% of Americans are looking for change in the 2016 election. Which is strange they would think that they are going to get it after electing the same people in 2014, 2012, 2010, 2008...

A poll says that 60% of Americans are looking for change in the 2016 election. The other 40% apparently think it could be worse than having a poor world image, massive national debt and high unemployment.

Jeb Bush says that Obamacare is a “monstrosity” and wants the government to instead focus on a catastrophic coverage plan to help people who experience costly medical crises. Otherwise known as what happened to people before they were able to get health insurance through Obamacare.

A proposed bill in the Senate would decriminalize medical marijuana. Which is sad as half the states have already legalized it, showing that even stoners can get things accomplished faster than Congress.

Hillary Clinton is reportedly preparing to address her use of a private e-mail account as Secretary of State. Apparently her response to any concerns will be sent out on Twitter and Facebook.

Democratic Senators say they are reserving judgment on the corruption charges leveled at New Jersey Senator Robert Menendez. At least until they are sure their names aren’t connected to any of the evidence collected so far.

Democratic Senators say they are reserving judgment on the corruption charges leveled at New Jersey Senator Robert Menendez. They will be happy to speak to his honesty just as soon as his PAC comes through with some campaign funding for them.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Last weekend we had our West Virginia Broadcasters Association awards banquet. I would have mentioned it sooner and put it with a blaring headline but didn’t win anything so who cares. But after the ceremony a young man came up and asked if I was Jokes By Jim and I painfully admitted to it. I didn’t get his name but he says he uses my jokes sometimes on the air. Which is probably why he didn’t win any awards either. But it was just nice to meet one of my readers in person and I wish him the best with his career. And with getting a real writing staff. I just thought I would like to give him a personal shout out for coming by. Even though I can’t meet all of you in person, which might be a good thing for my personal well being you can always keep using e-mail or dropping notes on the blog as a way to stay in touch and to keep sending the love!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I use your jokes almost every day, Jim...you're funny!