Sunday, March 01, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Vatican has condemned the leaking of documents showing a power struggle inside the Catholic Church. Although it has to be tough to play corporate politics when you are dealing with a boss who reports directly to God.

Apple CEO Tim Cook says the Apple Watch could forever alter people’s daily lives. For one thing, it has the potential to do what nothing else can. Get their attention away from their iPhones for more than a few seconds.

Phil Robertson from “Duck Dynasty” says he blames the “revenge of the Hippies” on 110 Million cases of STDs. If the revenge of the Hippies is responsible for anything, it is making a celebrity out of someone with long hair and a beard who sits around doing nothing but whittling duck calls all day.

A 108 year old New York man and his 105 year old wife recently celebrated their 82nd wedding anniversary. The only bad part is that they won’t really be able to enjoy their golden years together until the great-great-grandchildren are able to move out of their basement.

The WHO says 1 Billion young people are at risk of damaging their ears from loud music. To which those people say to WHO, “What?”

The WHO says 1 Billion young people are at risk of damaging their ears from loud music. So the WHO says the Who may be the ones who are responsible for everyone saying “Huh?”

The WHO says 1 Billion young people are at risk of damaging their ears from loud music. Women say it isn’t that big of a deal since half of those people are men who never listen in the first place.

Southwest Airlines says it is nearly done inspecting 128 planes that were grounded. Apparently it was just too hard to land them all in the parking lot at the same time to have Mr. Goodwrench take a look at them.

Jeb Bush told conservative skeptics he wants to be their second choice. For once he had some support from Democrats. They also are hoping for a second place finish for him, but not until the 2016 election.

A stolen NASCAR auto was found abandoned in Georgia. It was identified because it was the only car in the state that didn’t have a Confederate flag emblem and a streak of tobacco juice down the driver’s side.

The DHS narrowly averted being shut down when Congress agreed to a one week extension of funding. The only question is how are they going to win the fight against terrorism if they can’t even get a group of old men to hand over some money once in awhile?

An opponent of Russian President Vladimir Putin was shot dead in public near the Kremlin last week. Or as they call that in Russia, losing the primary election.

An American Airlines flight from Oklahoma City to Dallas was delayed nine hours because of snow and mechanical problems. Or as United Airlines calls that, right on schedule.

An American Airlines flight from Oklahoma City to Dallas was delayed nine hours because of snow and mechanical problems. Which was still faster than trying to drive the 405 Freeway between L.A. and San Diego on a sunny day.

Ethan Allen says it is bringing back its manufacturing to the U.S. Which makes sense since what better place to make couches than where they have become a way of life?

Johnny Walker has unveiled a new “smart bottle.” Which is nothing new as even their old glass bottles became smarter than anyone who drank half or more of what was inside them.

Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred says he could see baseball expanding to Canada and Mexico. Or they could even go one better and expand to Cuba now that the trade embargo has been lifted and just cut out the middle man.

The FTC says that identification theft is their number one consumer complaint. Other than the people who don’t have any credit to worry about thanks to the FTC not doing anything to stop the economic crash.

The U.S. says that Iranians hacked into American casinos. The casinos found out the hard way that sometimes what happens in Las Vegas stays in Tehran.

The U.S. says that Iranians hacked into American casinos. Gaming officials knew something was wrong when they found out someone got into the casino’s computers for something other than trying to get free tickets to the buffet.

A California bill would reduce the sales tax on green cars. To which students at Cal State Fresno are asking suppose someone wants to buy a car that is blue?

A study says that gasoline prices don’t always influence car buyers’ choices. In fact sometimes there are no intelligible reasons for people’s decisions on car purchases, like when someone puts down their money for a Chrysler.

A study says the economic downturn can be linked to an increase in the adult suicide rate. You know things have gotten bad when the cost of living has literally made it too expensive for people to keep living.

An analysis says that parents’ money may be more likely to impact their kids’ well-being than if they stay married. Especially if they are living with mom who has just sucked dad’s bank accounts dry in the divorce.

Leonard Nimoy, who played Mr. Spock on “Star Trek” has died at age 83. People knew he didn’t have long to live when he showed up on the set wearing a red uniform shirt.

Three people were infected with measles at a Las Vegas seafood restaurant. They were just lucky they didn’t get the crabs.

A study says the coloring in cola drinks is linked to a higher risk of cancer. Which is no big deal since the sugar is going to kill anyone drinking a lot of cola long before the other carcinogens can get to them.

Three cases of leprosy have been confirmed in Florida. They would have been diagnosed earlier but doctors first had to rule out the plague, smallpox and consumption.

Three cases of leprosy have been confirmed in Florida. The patients were immediately treated with the most modern techniques for laying of hands, bloodletting and checking their bile levels.

A Maryland woman who posed as a physician’s assistant was able to diagnose 137 children before being caught. The kids came to her support, saying she was the only one who could ever completely cure them of cooties.

Harrison Ford is set to reprise his role in a remake of “Blade Runner.” His character chases down bioengineered replicants who are made to look like humans. Otherwise known in the film industry as women over 40.

Kendall and Kylie Jenner are being considered for a spinoff program on E!. If they have any more reality shows about the Kardashian family, the network will have to change its logo from having an exclamation point to a question mark.

Kendall and Kylie Jenner are being considered for a spinoff program on E!. Apparently the network wants to have a show that features main characters who can actually get their backsides to fit on the entire screen.

Speaking about the death of Leonard Nimoy, President Obama says he “Loved Spock.” Which may be why he has been so adamant about changing the law giving amnesty to all aliens.

Adam Sandler will play a magical shoeman in the movie “The Cobbler.” Although for most Americans, the only interest they will have in a cobbler depends if it is made of peaches or blueberries.

Adam Sandler will play a magical shoeman in the movie “The Cobbler.” For most people, the only reason they will ever need a cobbler is to make sure their shoes are in good enough shape so they can walk out of an Adam Sandler movie.

The NFL says it may do away with the 40 yard dash at the scouting combine. Mostly because they just want to make sure their quarterbacks are able to recover in time to play on Sunday following a Saturday night pub crawl.

The NFL says it may do away with the 40 yard dash at the scouting combine. The only speed test NFL players ever need to pass is the one where they can outrun the cops who are trying to arrest them the night before a game.

A report says a proposed football stadium in Inglewood, California is a possible target for terrorists. To which the people around L.A. are saying they will be afraid when they see a terrorist who has a chance of making it through Inglewood in one piece.

A report says a proposed football stadium in Inglewood, California is a possible target for terrorists. The good news is that if the Raiders are the stadium’s home team, terrorists would never blow up a site full of Raiders fans out of professional courtesy.

Tampa Bay Rays reliever Ronald Belisario fractured his shoulder while getting out of a swimming pool. The only problem is he now gets completely spooked by anyone who sneaks up behind him and yells “Marco!”

Google has paid $25 Million to buy the entire “.app” web domain. Which ruined Amazon’s plan to use the domain to sell all their goods under the address “cr.app.”

A report says that 5 Billion Android apps are vulnerable to hackers. Mostly the ones that have a button to press to be eligible to collect millions of dollars being given away by a Nigerian prince.

A new keyboard may help people type faster. Which may be a little too late for all the people who have crashed their cars because they couldn’t get their text message out quite fast enough.

An astronaut on the International Space Station was set to go ahead with a spacewalk despite finding water in his helmet. Although the Americans are still trying to figure out what the Russian astronauts on the ISS meant when they asked if they could borrow one of their small space toilets.

A study says that a big brain gene that is found in humans is not present in chimpanzees. Although it obviously wasn’t part of Tarzan’s DNA either as he kept calling his pet chimp a cheetah.

A study says that dogs remember events for no longer than two minutes. Which when it comes to birthdays, anniversaries and gifts is still a minute longer than most men.

A study says that dogs remember events for no longer than two minutes. Which is why even after several years, they still always fall for it when you fake throwing their ball.

A report says the data breach at Target that affected 70 Million customers could end up costing the retail giant more than $1 Billion. Business experts say a similar attack that got into the finances of Wal-Mart’s customers could cost upwards of $15.72.

A London based company is using used coffee grounds for fuel. Although the question is whether or not that is what we all do every morning?

Former Mercury Astronaut Buzz Aldrin says the U.S. needs a colony on Mars. He wants another crack at it as he is apparently still mad about being only the second person to walk on the Moon.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is March 1st, which puts us that much closer to opening day of baseball. It also puts us that much closer to April 15th tax day so that makes it kind of a wash. I figure these jokes at least rate somewhere above the IRS so at least I have that still going for me. But I know I really rate every time you remember to make sure and send the love!

1 comment:

benson said...

We're also a day closer to Oberon Day. March 23rd. (It's our local seasonal beer, brewed here and many people take the day off, etc. It gets a little nuts.)

Sending the love, and keeping a cold one waiting for you on 3/23.