Sunday, February 08, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A Detroit woman has been accused of killing her friend after arguing about politics with a slow cooker. Apparently she thought the other woman’s political views were a crock.

The latest jobs report says the average wage in the U.S. have jumped the most in 6 years. Which for most people over the past six years is anything more than zero.

The latest jobs report says the average wage in the U.S. have jumped the most in 6 years to $24.75 an hour. Although when the salaries of Bill Gates and Warren Buffett are removed it is actually more like $7.25.

A report says the average price of a house in Manhattan is now $1.7 Million. Although it is hard to use the word “average” when talking about homes that are worth $1.7 Million.

A report says the average price of a house in Manhattan is now $1.7 Million. The only good news is that a converted refrigerator box on a street corner in Midtown can still be had for less than $250,000.

TurboTax had to shut down their operations briefly due to a fraud outbreak. Technology is so amazing. Before the digital age people used to have to hire high dollar accountants in order to swindle the government on their tax return.

A study says that meditation may slow the brain’s aging process. But then who needs a young brain to sit in the lotus position for three hours a day while thinking of nothing?

A “Fifty Shades of Grey” lubricant is claimed to be ineffective in a lawsuit. Although they won’t need a really good lubricant until their legal team gives them their final bill.

69 year old “60 Minutes” correspondent Steve Kroft has apologized for lurid sexting between himself and his mistress that were released to the public. People were shocked. A man who is nearly 70 knows how to send text messages?

69 year old “60 Minutes” correspondent Steve Kroft has apologized for lurid sexting between himself and his mistress that were released to the public. The worst part was the naked pictures he sent her while he was being helped in and out of his walk in bathtub.

A new reality TV show called “The Sex Factor” has contestants competing for a contract to be a porn star. Which is exactly the reverse of how “The Kardashians” got started.

A new reality TV show called “The Sex Factor” has contestants competing for a contract to be a porn star. One of the contestants is a Wall Street intern who is apparently trying to instead go on a career path that will give her a better reputation.

The University of California is widening its vaccination requirements for 2017. Although most high school seniors applying for admission may be stumped when asked to spell “vaccination.”

The University of California is widening its vaccination requirements for 2017. Although the students’ parents would be happier if they were immune from college tuition debt.

An underage drinking pilot program has been launched at six North Carolina universities. Which pretty much would take away the only reason anyone actually ever goes to college in North Carolina.

A study says that cocaine impairs circuits in the brain responsible for recognizing and predicting loss. Which may explain why so many people who use cocaine end up losing their job, home, family and life savings.

A study says that cocaine impairs circuits in the brain responsible for recognizing and predicting loss. Which is obvious with all the people who are willing to lose $100 every time they snort a gram.

A report says that China will have the most robots in the world by 2017. Which means if they can be taught to make athletic shoes there will be millions of workers who will need to to through employee retraining before they go through potty training.

The spokesman for Al Queda has been sentenced to 25 years in prison for “horrific” crimes. If being an annoying spokesperson from an evil organization is enough to warrant hard time in prison, that is really bad news for Flo from Progressive Insurance.

A satellite that will stream back pictures of the Earth from space that was inspired by Al Gore has finally been launched. In other words, we just spent $120 Million to give the planet a constant global selfie.

The IRS says the average federal tax refund this year is $3,539. Which is good news for the seven people who actually had enough of an income through the year to need to file a return.

The IRS says the average federal tax refund this year is $3,539. Which is great news for the identity thieves who have been collecting about 90% of the money by sending in fraudulent returns so far.

Health insurance company Anthem is warning customers about e-mail scams after their recent data breach. The good news is that customers who get scammed are much more satisfied by the service from the hackers than they are with their health insurance.

Travel website Expedia is facing claims of $800 Million in hotel taxes from state and local governments. Although the hotel industry says if they pay off the full amount they will get an extra mint on their pillow.

A survey says that 60% of people expect a response to an e-mail within 48 hours. If they want a faster response they can always just post some cat videos on Facebook.

A survey says that 60% of people expect a response to an e-mail within 48 hours. Although an easier way to get a faster response is to pretend to be a Nigerian prince who is willing to give them $30 Million.

The former CEO of United Technologies has departed the company with a $195 Million severance. He left after angering investors by taking a side visit during a company trip to check on the progress of the building of his yacht. Well, that $195 Million sendoff showed him what happens to people who abuse their position.

A survey says that two thirds of investigative journalists believe the government is spying on them. The other third are investigating what causes schizophrenia and don’t care because they think everyone else is spying on them, too.

A survey says that two thirds of investigative journalists believe the government is spying on them. Media watchdogs were surprised. There are still investigative journalists?

A mysterious creature found in a can of tuna in England has been identified as a type of small crab. Although the person who discovered it said it added a different kind of tasted to the tuna than the usual dolphin and mercury.

Pope Francis I says that spanking a child is OK as long is “dignity is maintained.” Although most children would say it is hard to feel a great amount of dignity while being beaten in public in front of strangers because you were acting like a child.

Researchers say they found traces of Bubonic Plague in the New York City subway system. People were surprised. They find it hard to believe even the plague could last more than a few minutes in the subway.

Pepperidge Farms has recalled 46,000 packages of bagels. To which GM is saying “Amateurs!”

The NAACP gave out its Image Awards last week to honor outstanding people of color. Although some people think they might want to investigate the award for Outstanding Host of a News or Information Program that was given to Brian Williams.

Jerry Rice has admitted to an illegal use of stickum when he played. Apparently it isn’t easy to catch footballs that have been inflated to the proper air pressure.

Researchers are conducting a census of octopuses off the coast of Washington State. Although some people are question their method of counting all the tentacles and dividing by eight.

A study says that chimpanzees can learn foreign “dialects” from other chimps. Although all of them say no matter how long they were in the jungle they still had no idea what Tarzan was trying to say.

A study says that record labels are taking 45% of the money from streaming services with the artists receiving only about 7%. Record company executives were upset at the news. What happened to the other 48% they should have been getting?

A study says that 4G data use per smartphone will average 5.5 gigabits a month by 2018. Which will mostly be from people checking to see how many “likes” they get on all of the selfies they post on Facebook every day.

A study says that 4G data use per smartphone will average 5.5 gigabits a month by 2018. The only question is whether there are enough cats in the world for people to make videos of to post online to meet the demand.

Mel Brooks is hinting that he may be making a sequel to his 1987 “Start Wars” spoof “Spaceballs.” Even Adam Sandler is asking if that would be a worthwhile use of film.

Mel Brooks is hinting that he may be making a sequel to his 1987 “Start Wars” spoof “Spaceballs.” At least it would be one film where it be nearly impossible for the sequel to be worse than the original.

A survey showed that 2% of people thought a picture of Brian Williams was Joe Biden. Which is interesting because Williams’ resume says he actually served two terms as Vice President.

A poll says that Mississippi, Alabama and Louisiana are the most conservative states. Especially Louisiana where the people are so far to the religious right they call their counties parishes.

A poll says that Mississippi, Alabama and Louisiana are the most conservative states. Which is a warning to anyone planning to move there that they will be living among neighbors who consider Texas, Florida and Georgia too liberal.

The IRS has reportedly rehired 141 former employees who had issues with paying their own taxes. The worst part was they were originally let go when they worked as operators on the IRS hotline who were asking the callers how to fill out their tax returns.

The IRS has reportedly rehired 141 former employees who had issues with paying their own taxes. The IRS took them back after reminding them that only the extremely wealthy are allowed to evade paying any taxes.

A federal report says there is no link between marijuana and car crashes. Especially for the people who get high and take three hours to remember where they put their car keys.

A federal report says there is no link between marijuana and car crashes. Fortunately, it’s hard to hit anyone else on the road when you never go faster than 15 miles an hour.

A federal report says there is no link between marijuana and car crashes. Other than indirectly from when all the stoners get the munchies at the same time and traffic is doubled from all the pizza delivery vehicles being called out at once.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Did you hear the latest lie from Brian Williams? Apparently he is still telling everyone he still has a job. At least all his fabrications will pave the way for him to transition from broadcasting into a career in politics. I just hope all of you are telling the truth when you remember to send the love!

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