Friday, February 06, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The CEO of Gallup says the number of full time jobs as a percentage of the population is at its lowest ever. Which means Gallup is saying the economy has slowed to a trot.

Health insurer Anthem was the victim of a massive data breach that exposed personal information of 80 Million customers. Fortunately, no personal health information was divulged as no one with any real health issues ever qualifies for coverage in the first place.

British scientists say they have cracked the virus code for the common cold. But so far they are still hopelessly stumped on figuring out the genetic sequencing that makes teeth grow in straight.

A study says that antipsychotic drugs prompt a zombie-like state among patients. In other words, they are working.

A study says that antipsychotic drugs prompt a zombie-like state among patients. In other words, they are the medical equivalent of a PlayStation.

The Federal Reserve is lashing out at Senator Rand Paul’s plan to give Congress more oversight over the central bank. Because what could go wrong with putting the nation’s money supply in the hands of a group that has run up a $17 Trillion national debt?

Target is defending selling a line of sex toys. Apparently it’s for women whose husbands can’t hit the bullseye.

CBS CEO Les Moonves is reportedly planning to try to buy the network. The only problem is the purchase comes with the obligation to also buy a rest home for the staff of “60 Minutes.”

A report says a record 3.3 Billion air passengers flew last year. Although the statistics are a bit misleading as 1.2 Billion of those were United Airlines passengers who were still trying to complete their canceled flights that they booked back in 2012.

A report says the world has more debt now than it did before the economic crash in 2007. The question is who still has any money left to loan out?

A report says the world has more debt now than it did before the economic crash in 2007. Which makes sense since nothing has gotten any better in the last eight years.

The “Dog Whisperer” Cesar Millan is being sued by a woman who was attacked by a pit bull he trained. It turns out the term dog whisperer comes from not being able to talk while a pit bull has its jaws clamped around your neck.

Pope Francis I says that parents can “smack” their children over bad behavior. And before they could ask, he told priests it doesn’t mean giving those naughty altar boys an occasional spanking.

Researchers say they have found 637 types of bacteria living in the New York City subway system. The heaviest concentration was in the Bronx, especially the ones that when observed under a microscope said “What are you looking at?”

Researchers say they have found 637 types of bacteria living in the New York City subway system. Many were said to be drug-resistant and pretty much all of them are immune to the smell of urine.

INXS guitarist Tim Farriss severed a finger in an accident and says he may never play again. He told his fans it’s something he just won’t be fretting over.

A Gauguin painting has been sold for nearly $300 Million. It could have gone for even more if he had thought to add a second coat.

Some lawmakers are aiming to protect farm animals used for research purposes. They say that those animals need to be taken out of the laboratory and put where they belong. On the dinner table.

A rival to Instagram says it may pay photographers for their pictures. The only question is should they really be encouraging people to snap even more selfies for the Internet?

Goldman Sachs was picked as the most hated company in the U.S. To which GM, United Airlines and the cable companies are asking “Whose grandmothers did they kill?”

Goldman Sachs was picked as the most hated company in the U.S. Apparently it might be connected to that whole bad-mortgage-home-foreclosure-crashing-the-world-economy thing they did a few years back.

The White House says it won’t comment on the Pentagon study that says Russian President Vladimir Putin may have Asperger’s Syndrome. Other than asking if one of the symptoms is constantly having to take your shirt off in public.

A Brazilian woman says her bra saved her life when it deflected a gunshot. It’s just a good thing she was wearing a bullet bra.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal denounced Common Core education standards in a speech. Because who needs an education when you live in a state where the richest and most influential people achieved their wealth whittling duck calls?

San Jose, California is offering free dinner and a movie in exchange for ideas on people’s favorite places to go. Which is pretty much anywhere that offers free dinner and a movie.

San Jose, California is offering free dinner and a movie in exchange for ideas on people’s favorite places to go. Which in San Jose is pretty much a “Star Wars” memorabilia show or a “Star Trek” convention.

Glu Mobile is crediting the game they created with Kim Kardashian for an increase in their profits. Which means her bottom line ended up helping theirs.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is resisting calls for a run for the White House. Although someone with his background would probably be more qualified for a run for Maxwell House.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is resisting calls for a run for the White House. The thought of being President is nothing new to him. He says the idea has been percolating for quite a while.

A study says that e-cigarettes weaken the immune system of mice. Although the mice prefer it since it is so hard for them to use matches to light up their regular cigarettes.

A study says that half of the British population will eventually develop cancer. The good news is that hardly any of them will ever have an issue with dental cavities.

FDA Commissioner Margaret Hamburg says she will retire in March. It’s the only job that doesn’t have a term limit as much as an expiration date.

A report says that music mogul Suge Knight could be in trouble with California’s Three Strikes law. Which as a celebrity, a conviction means he could be facing as much as 40 minutes behind bars.

Katy Perry has turned her legal team loose on people trying to capitalize on the “left shark” that danced on stage with her at the Super Bowl halftime show. Her lawyers will not be taking any action against the shark itself as a matter of professional courtesy.

New England Patriots running back Jonas Gray says that Tom Brady had a cold during the Super Bowl and player were avoiding touching anything he had touched. He was so contagious that he actually had to let the air out of all the footballs by himself.

A poll says that 63% of professional athletes are in favor of making sports betting legal. Mostly as a way to make a little extra cash when their team is scheduled to play the Clippers, Cubs or Browns.

A poll says that 63% of professional athletes are in favor of making sports betting legal. The other 37% are afraid it will mean getting unsolicited calls 24 hours a day for the latest “sure bet” from Pete Rose.

A high school football coach in South Carolina has banned Louisville head coach Bobby Petrino from recruiting his players. Other head coaches were surprised. They have already signed most their players before they are out of elementary school.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver says he is considering how to reformat the league’s playoffs. Apparently he doesn’t think it’s fair for the three teams that currently don’t make it into the postseason.

Tiger Woods withdrew from the golf tournament at Torrey Pines with a bad back. Doctors aren’t sure if the injury happened while he was scaling a seaside cliff or hanging from a tree branch while looking for some of his tee shots.

Tiger Woods withdrew from the golf tournament at Torrey Pines with a bad back. Which some people thought might have been an excuse for poor play because that is the same course where he didn’t let a broken leg and stiff knee keep him from winning the U.S. Open.

Researchers say they have found a bacteria that hasn’t evolved in 2 Billion years. It was left so far back in the evolutionary process that scientists are considering naming it after Sylvester Stallone.

Pope Francis I told an audience he doesn’t know how to work a computer. Which brought a sigh of relief to all the priests who were afraid he might someday try to access their altar boy photo database.

Pope Francis I told an audience he doesn’t know how to work a computer. You would think the person who has a direct pipeline to God could ask him for a quick lesson on how to use Windows.

Popular Mechanics reports that South Korea has developed a “super steel” that is stronger than titanium and cheap to produce. People were amazed. Popular Mechanics is still in business?

RadioShack has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy after 94 years in business. Apparently their idea to start charging people to test their vacuum tubes just came in 40 years too late to turn things around.

Microsoft’s CEO says that pens will be extinct in the next decade. To which everyone under 30 is asking “What’s a pen?”

 

Lawmakers are proposing free birth control pills be given to female troops. Which means the government is finally considering the suggestion of the hippies back in the 1960s to make love not war.

Lawmakers are proposing free birth control pills be given to female troops. The idea is that the military wouldn’t be giving men soldiers live ammunition if they wanted them to start shooting blanks.

A bill in Indiana would allow dead people to vote. Which would save corpses from having to travel all the way to Chicago to register.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This could be the issue that puts my blog over the 300,000 hits mark. Which is just shy of being completely pathetic. Oh, well. At least I don’t have to worry about how much potential money I am missing out on by charging a fee for the site. Even though I am still 6,999,700,000 away from my goal of 7 Billion readers, I still have hope. All I need for you to do is tell your friends about the blog and have them tell everyone else on the planet. Easy, right? If you can’t do that I hope that you will at least remember to try once in awhile to send the love!

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