Thursday, February 05, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Jordan’s King Abdullah quoted Clint Eastwood while talking to U.S. lawmakers about the situation with ISIS. He said he also was going to quote Senator John McCain but in Jordan it’s too hot to have a lawn to tell them to get off.

A Pentagon study says that Russian President Vladimir Putin has Asperger’s Syndrome.  Which is possibly the reason their economy is crumbling because he thinks every project he wants to spend money on costs “about 100 dollars.”

Scientists say that even cockroaches have their own personalities. Which still won’t be enough of a reason to keep anyone from stomping on them when they are caught scampering around in a kitchen.

The head of the Department of Homeland Security is threatening Congress with “consequences” if they are not funded. Which members of Congress will know what he means when they go through a TSA security screening and see all the agents putting on latex gloves.

A gas station robber in Washington state was caught hiding the cash he stole in his butt. That is the one time it will actually be permissible to do some money laundering.

North Korea is accusing the U.S. of being close to “igniting a war of aggression” against them. Political experts were surprised. When did North Korea discover they had oil?

North Korea is accusing the U.S. of plotting to “bring down” its regime. If we really wanted to do that we would just send over a handful of congressmen to help them prepare their national budget.

The number of billionaires in the world is reported to be up to 2,089. The list is made up of Bill Gates and Warren Buffett with the rest just being anyone related to the founder of Wal-Mart.

Researchers have developed a sensor that sniffs fish to ensure restaurant customers are getting the type of seafood they ordered. Which means if someone ever came up with a beef sniffer it could put Taco bell out of business.

Researchers have developed a sensor that sniffs fish to ensure restaurant customers are getting the type of seafood they ordered. The only problem is taking one to the Red Lobster and getting it to even recognize anything on the menu as actually being “fish.”

Jeb Bush says the American dream is “a mirage.” Although not as much as the illusion that Americans are willing to put someone named Bush in the White House for a third time.

Jeb Bush says the American dream is “a mirage.” Although the last time a Bush warned us about something that turned out to be a mirage he was talking about Weapons of Mass Destruction.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie canceled three news conferences on the last day of his visit to the UK. How bad is the food in England when even Chris Christie wants to leave early because he can’t stomach another helping of semolina pudding and haggis?

GM says it will trim executives’ bonuses because of the automaker’s performance last year. The company has realized the only way to get management to stop their vehicles to keep coming back for repairs is to make a recall of their cash.

Staples is planning to buy Office Depot for $6 billion. However, the formal signing of the transaction was delayed for several hours because no one could find a pen.

Staples is planning to buy Office Depot for $6 billion. The company prefers to refer to the transaction of adding the new stores as “running off some copies.”

A study says the preschool vaccination rate in 17 states, mostly in the South is less than 90%. Which is still better than their literacy rate.

Harper Lee is preparing to release the sequel of “To Kill A Mockingbird,” 55 years after the original. Which is good news for the people of Alabama, where the book is set who have just barely had time to finish the first.

A report says the world’s wealthiest people own $3 Trillion worth of homes. Or as $3 Trillion worth of homes is called in California, anything with a beach view in Malibu.

Washington, D.C. has added more than 20,000 jobs in 2014. Mostly congressional staffers who were hired to cart wheelbarrows full of cash back between the Capitol Building and the lobbyists’ offices.

A new paper says that 13-36% of U.S. workers have had a dysfunctional boss. No one even knew that many people were working for Donald Trump.

A new paper says that 13-36% of U.S. workers have had a dysfunctional boss. The rest will find out what it is like just as soon as they can finally find a job.

Apple is reportedly testing cars with roof top cameras. They are either rumored to be self-driving prototypes or specially ordered vehicles for the Kardashian women that help them take selfies while they are driving.

A former U.S. auto safety regulator is reportedly the frontrunner to lead the probe into the faulty Takata airbags. Although the investigation probably wouldn’t be necessary if the auto safety regulators had actually been doing their job.

FCC Chairman Tom Wheeler is proposing the Internet be regulated like a public utility. Which is good news for cable Internet providers who already act like public utilities with poor service, frequent outages and frequent price increases.

Jeb Bush says the U.S. should have twice the GDP growth it had under George W. Bush. Which means if we elect him President we can look forward to a 20% unemployment rate.

United Airlines is considering Chicago and two other cities as sites to consolidate its pilot training centers. Mostly because with the number of cancellations they have every day they can pretty much operate with only three working pilots.

A survey says that 1 in 3 adults would prefer a shorter life than to have to take a heart pill every day. The other two could avoid the heart pills if they would quit eating a dozen Krispy Kremes every day.

A survey says that 1 in 3 adults would prefer a shorter life than to have to take a heart pill every day. Mostly because it would be confusing with the other pills they have to take for their blood pressure, diabetes and high cholesterol.

A survey says that 1 in 3 adults would prefer a shorter life than to have to take a heart pill every day. Mostly because they would shorten their life span taking on the three extra jobs it would take to pay for their prescription medicines.

The House GOP voted once again to repeal Obamacare. They have voted on the same measure more than 50 times in the past two years. Remember when the Republicans cut through all the paper work when they didn’t like a President and just went straight to the impeachment vote?

A survey says that Millennials and Gen Xers feel more stress about money than other Americans. Mostly because they are the ones who are still paying off a college degree with the money they are making working behind the counter at a 7-Eleven.

Scientists have identified 35 genetic factors tied to motion sickness. Mostly in the DNA of the children of Billy Joel and Britney Spears who had to spend their childhoods in the back seats of cars driven around by their parents.

A study says that slow joggers live longer than people who run faster. Which means maybe there really is something to that tortoise and the hare story.

A study says that a healthy diet may lower the risk of lung disease. Although if what you eat is causing problems with your lungs, you might want to try to stop inhaling your meals.

A study says that people are either inclined to cheat on their partner or be faithful, without much of an in between. People who tend to cheat on their partners are otherwise known as “men.”

A study says that three out of four Americans say they experience financial stress at least some of the time. The other one in four are trying to send their kids to college and experience financial stress all of the time.

A study says that three out of four Americans say they experience financial stress at least some of the time. The other one in four have lost their job, their their home and life savings and haven’t even thought about finances since 2007.

A new smartphone app can reportedly test for syphilis accurately within 15 minutes. The  app just scans through the person’s smartphone to see if their contact list contains the phone number of Paris Hilton.

The head of the CDC is telling vaccine worriers to ignore Internet myths. If people were to ignore all the false claims on the Internet there would be no Facebook, Twitter or Drudge Report.

The head of the CDC is telling vaccine worriers to ignore Internet myths. Although he is telling this to people who just sent another payment for the fortune awaiting them from a Nigerian Prince.

NBC News anchor Brian Williams says he really wasn’t in a helicopter that was shot down in Iraq, but had actually arrived on the scene an hour later in another chopper. In a related story, he also recanted his version of being the copilot on the Miracle on the Hudson and intercepting Russell Wilson’s final pass in the Super Bowl.

NBC News anchor Brian Williams says he really wasn’t in a helicopter that was shot down in Iraq, but had actually arrived on the scene an hour later in another chopper. He says it was an honest mistake, because it’s not like he was trained to be a journalist know how to base a report on actual facts.

Snoop Dogg’s son Cordell Broadus has committed to play football for UCLA. Although Snoop says he would have been much happier if he would have been able to sit through home games if his son had picked a school in Washington or Colorado.

Syracuse University has instituted a self-imposed ban on the basketball postseason in the wake of an investigation that includes academics. As opposed to the Mountain West Conference schools who have a self-imposed ban on postseason play because they have lousy teams.

Syracuse University has instituted a self-imposed ban on the basketball postseason in the wake of an investigation that includes academics. Although how can anyone have an academic investigation on a college that hasn’t graduated an athlete in the past 15 years?

Archaeologists say that opium, magic mushrooms and other hallucinogenics have been used by humans since prehistoric times. Researchers cite a cave inscription that reads “Dude, where’s my wheel?”

Microsoft has bought the calendar app Sunrise for $100 Million. They can make a computer that brings images from around the world into your home in seconds and they need to pay someone a tenth of a trillion dollars to tell them what day it is?

Microsoft has bought the calendar app Sunrise for $100 Million. It shouldn’t have cost that much to buy an app for a calendar but the computer geeks in Silicon Valley have learned sometimes they need to pay a lot more than anyone else to get a date.

A new social network called Brag urges people to post a constant stream of selfies and information about themselves. The only problem is getting other people who are just as narcissistic to get away from fawning over their own page to give ten seconds to care about what anyone else is posting.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! As many of you know, I work in the TV news business. Yeah, they will let anyone go on camera these days. But I am amazed that Brian Williams finally came out and admitted he was telling a fib about being shot down in Iraq back in 2003. Now I know that I lie to the viewers every day, but I am a meteorologist and that is part of my job description. Having an anchor who openly lies to the public is not acceptable. Unless you work for the Fox News Channel. I’ll bet the three people who still watch NBC Nightly News aren’t going to be happy to hear they have been hoodwinked. Which brings up the question of why would anyone wink at a hood? Or is that winking while wearing a hood? Or winking at someone in the ‘hood? In any event, I will never lie to you. Except when I call what I write “jokes.” But then, all I ever ask from you in return is that you remember once in awhile to make sure to send the love!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I always enjoy reading your blogs. You are a funny, talented man. It is obvious that you have a grudge against Taco Bell, Red Lobster, United Airlines and FOX News. You are entitled to your opinions, especially on your own blog.

From my vantage point, I have never had a bad meal at Red Lobster, I don’t like Mexican food. My best friend is a captain for United Airlines and try as I may, I have never caught FOX News in a lie. Maybe I missed some. However, I remember 60 Minutes rigging a GM truck to explode and calling the explosion the result of a collision. I remember Dan Rather lying about George Bush’s military service. And now we have Brian Williams admitting he lied about being in that helicopter. I have been in broadcasting all my life. I research everything so I can present the most accurate picture possible to my audience. I have never knowingly lied on the air. The examples I stated were intentional lies and not mistakes. I have very little respect for most of the media today. A large percentage of people in this country are grossly misinformed, and the mainstream media bear the brunt of the blame.