Wednesday, February 04, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The CEO of Gallup says that the government’s claim of a 5.6% unemployment rate is a lie. And who would know more about misleading and dishonest statistics than someone who takes polls for a living?

The IRS commissioner says the agency is running the same technology it used in 1963. They use even older methods than that for audits when they pull out the Iron Maiden, rack and thumbscrews.

A poll says that 77% of Millennials can’t name one Senator from their home state. What’s worse is the other 23% can’t name their state.

A survey says that Stephen Colbert is the comedian people think would make the best President. He was followed closely by Jon Stewart with third place going to Ted Cruz.

A survey says that construction workers are the happiest with their jobs. You can always hear them whistle while they work, especially if you are a good looking woman.

A study says that by 2045, traffic in Omaha, Nebraska will be as bad as Los Angeles. Actually, it won’t be from congestion in the city itself but from the 405 Freeway in L.A. being backed up to Illinois.

A study says that by 2045, traffic in Omaha, Nebraska will be as bad as Los Angeles. Not so much from growth in the area as from everyone trying to travel on the city’s one dirt road.

Some scientists say the key to eternal life is through the lengthening of chromosomes. To which Tom Cruise says forget living forever, he’s for lengthening anything if it will make him taller than 5’1”.

A Chinese mummy has signs that brain surgery was carried out 3,600 years ago. Unfortunately, the surgery didn’t work as the patient was found already dead.

A Chinese mummy has signs that brain surgery was carried out 3,600 years ago. You know it’s time to look for a new health care plan when your HMO wants to examine the mummy to try to compare surgical techniques.

A report says that pork will soon pass beef as the most produced meat in the U.S. But that’s only if you include the $4 Trillion worth of pork that is spent every year by the members of Congress.

A 183 year old tortoise has been declared the world’s oldest living land creature. Although it’s not official yet as Larry King is demanding a recount.

A 183 year old tortoise has been declared the world’s oldest living land creature. Only because Larry King spends so much of his time trying to get some circulation back by spending all day in a whirlpool tub.

The Hollywood Reporter has won the prestigious National Magazine Award for General Excellence. You would think if it was such a big deal they would make it sound more exciting than “general excellence.”

The Hollywood Reporter has won the prestigious National Magazine Award for General Excellence. That was great news for the publication’s staff and the four people who actually still have a magazine subscription.

A new book claims that Prince Charles and Princess Diana both wanted to call off their wedding at the last minute. Imagine riding to the procession next to someone you don’t love while the one you want is right in front of you having to pull the carriage.

A Chinese teenager reportedly cut off his own hand to cure his Internet addiction. The worst part is he was immediately arrested for hacking.

Shoe Bomber Richard Reid says he failed because it was what God wanted. Which has now also become the official excuse of Pete Carroll as to what happened on the final pass play of the Super Bowl.

Shoe Bomber Richard Reid says he failed because it was what God wanted. While his act of terror didn’t go as he planned, he has succeeded in annoying the billions of passengers who to this day still have to take off their shoes before ever getting on a plane.

The NTSB says a pilot taking selfies was the likely cause of a plane crash in Colorado. Although in all honesty, no one had to worry about things like that happening in the cockpit before the state legalized marijuana.

The upcoming Supreme Court case challenging Obamacare rests on four words in the 906 page statement. To which the White House is saying “NOW someone decides to finally read the whole thing.”

The CDC says the amount of secondhand smoke Americans are being exposed to has dropped by half in the past decade. Mostly because the majority of smoke is coming from marijuana users who get a better buzz from never exhaling.

A study says that finishing college is becoming a bigger divide between the rich and poor. Mostly because if a student wasn’t poor before going to college, they are once they finally finish paying off their tuition loans.

The founder of Chipotle restaurants says a visit to a McDonald’s chicken farm was the most disgusting thing he had ever seen. Just wait until he takes it a step farther and tries an order of McNuggets.

A report says that employees of RadioShack have not been told of the company’s plans. Is that really necessary? It seems everyone else has pretty much seen where the company is headed for about the past ten years.

President Obama’s proposal for a passenger fee to fund airport improvement projects has sparked a debate among airlines, airports and the travel industry. Apparently some people are drawing the airline fees line at luggage, carryon bags, seat reservations, blankets, Internet access...

A survey says that retired Baby Boomers face emotional adjustments. The most difficult is being at home all day and having to hear the noise coming from their kids who are still living in and never leave their basement.

A survey says that retired Baby Boomers face emotional adjustments. Mostly when they realize they emptied their 401(k) plan to pay for their kids’ college and they have to go out and start looking for another job.

North Carolina Senator Thom Tillis says the market should decide if employees should wash their hands after using the bathroom. Which may explain why North Carolina calls its barbecue restaurants “pits.”

A report says drug makers’ data on side effects is called lacking. Apparently that means the biggest side effect of the prescription drugs was causing the researchers to forget what they were doing.

A study is looking for ways to stop bleeding in trauma patients. Although most hospital patients don’t know what bleeding is until they start getting in the steady stream of all their medical bills.

An investigation says that many store brand herbal supplements are filled with fake ingredients. Namely herbal supplements.

Scientists have identified eight genetic diseases that can lead to schizophrenia. Researchers say they came to their conclusions because they know those microbes are out to get them.

A study says that using too many electronic devices during the day may keep teens from sleeping. Mostly because they are worried their parents will find out about Instagram and see all the naked selfies they have been posting.

Some food experts are saying that many foods can last past their expiration date. Although if you look around at most Americans, there aren’t a lot of foods that are staying on the shelf long enough to go stale.

A study says that infections are the most likely cause for patients to be readmitted to a hospital after surgery. The number one reason they won’t be readmitted for anything is if they fall behind on their medical bill payments.

A Royal Caribbean cruise ship returned to port in Baltimore a day early when more than 200 passengers became ill. Apparently Royal Caribbean felt if they were already feeling ill, what’s the difference if you end up in Baltimore?

A Royal Caribbean cruise ship returned to port in Baltimore a day early when more than 200 passengers became ill. The cruise ship is facing lawsuits from not only the stricken passengers but from Carnival Cruise Lines for stealing their business model.

Lindsay Lohan and her mother have filed a lawsuit against Fox News for defamation. The question is what could anyone on the network have possibly said that could do any more damage to the Lohans’ image?

An angry contestant at the Miss Amazon beauty pageant in Brazil ripped the tiara off the head of the winner. Which made it apparent who should really have been crowned as an Amazon.

An angry contestant at the Miss Amazon beauty pageant in Brazil ripped the tiara off the head of the winner. Apparently she was angry that not only did she not get the title, but someone else was also chosen as Miss Congeniality.

Katy Perry’s leather flame dress for her Super Bowl halftime show reportedly cost as much as $15,000. It’s just a good thing the show wasn’t headlined by Lady Gaga. The rising price of beef would have meant at least double the cost for her meat dress.

Bruce Jenner’s mother has confirmed he has initiated the transition to become a woman. Apparently the whole thing started when results finally came back from the 1976 Olympics decathlon that showed he failed the gender verification test.

Bruce Jenner’s mother has confirmed he has initiated the transition to become a woman. The worst part will be when he starts getting into a selfies competition with stepdaughter Kim Kardashian to see who takes better pictures of their backside.

The owner of the Atlanta Falcons says pumping in fake crowd noises during home games was wrong. People became suspicious when the crowd at an Atlanta Falcons game started making noise.

PGA caddies are suing for compensation over being forced to wear bibs with corporate logos. Corporate sponsors say it’s only fair as they are also forced to wear bibs in their hospitality tents during the tournaments. The only difference is that their bibs come with a picture of a lobster.

New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski is reportedly stuck in Dallas and could miss the Super Bowl parade in Boston. Apparently he has the natural ability to catch anything except a flight.

An NHL referee has been suspended for one game because of a picture that went online of him at a bar. The picture showed him holding a bottle of Smirnoff and he was called for icing.

Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson says he has no doubt in the final play call in the Super Bowl “to this day.” Which means that call has stood the test of time for a whole 48 hours.

Lance Armstrong is being accused of hitting two cars after partying and having his girlfriend take the blame. Apparently he did it because he forgot to bring his usual supply of fake blood samples along in case he had to take a test.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s the Wednesday after the Super Bowl, which means that most people are finally back to being somewhat sober. All except the offensive coordinator for the Seahawks who came up with the idea for that final pass play. Now that the country is back to business as usual, I hope you do the one thing I ever ask from you which is to always try to remember to make sure to send the love!

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