Tuesday, February 03, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Angelina Jolie and Bill Gates topped a survey for the most admired people in the world. They attribute their likability to being successful, charity minded and never running for public office.

A new promotion at McDonald’s will allow some customers free food if they “pay with love.” Which is no problem for regular customers of McDonald’s who will be able to pay that back with their Big Mac induced love handles.

A review says the movie “Fifty Shades of Grey” features 20 minutes of sex scenes in the 100 minute movie. Which apparently was a conscious decision by producers to save money on the film’s wardrobe budget.

A review says the movie “Fifty Shades of Grey” features 20 minutes of sex scenes in the 100 minute film. Or as men call the other 80 minutes of the movie, “filler.”

Nile Rogers and Chic have signed a deal to make a new album. Which is big news to anyone who actually still has a working record player.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says that parents should have some choice on whether to vaccinate their children. He later backtracked on the remarks, saying he was in favor of choice but that he was referring to the essence of a good lunch buffet.

President Obama is defending his proposed $4 Trillion budget citing national security. His strategy is that no one would want to invade and take over a country that is $18 Trillion in debt and going deeper by the minute.

A proposed law in Illinois would ban convicted terrorists from serving as professors at publicly funded schools. Which means they will all have to just hope they can be hired at the still private University of Jihad.

A proposed law in Illinois would ban convicted terrorists from serving as professors at publicly funded schools. For one thing, colleges who hire them keep seeing enrollment drop after each session of Suicide Bombing 101.

The federal government has told the Pittsburgh zoo to stop using cattle dogs that cause stress to their elephants. To which the dogs are saying what could be more stressful than spending all day weaving between the feet of a herd of elephants?

The U.S. and North Korea have reportedly been secretly discussing talks about having talks. Apparently the U.S. is being very careful about the way they are going to suggest Kim Jong-un might want to start looking for a new barber.

A study says that teenage unemployment in the U.S. remains high at 27%. The main problem is that the kids would be working except they don’t want to compete for the paper routes and convenience store jobs their parents are also applying for.

A survey says the average amount of money spent by U.S. consumers is $81 a day. That adds up to $29,565 a year. Or as corporate CEOs call that, a pretty good minute’s wages.

A survey says the average amount of money spent by U.S. consumers is $81 a day. That makes a good case for the $10 an hour minimum wage which would give those people $80 a day for expenses with $1 left over to go crazy with.

Pizza Hut set an online record for business on Super Sunday. How did people survive through the old days when getting food meant you had to dial a number on the phone and actually take the time to talk to someone to place your order?

Pizza Hut set an online record for business on Super Sunday. People couldn’t even look away from the game long enough to make a phone call anymore. The real evidence of that is that a record for business was also set on Super Sunday by the makers of Depends.

A survey says that one third of U.S. mortgage holders don’t know their interest rate. The other two thirds say it must have been a little too high or they wouldn’t be currently going through foreclosure.

An analysis says that there was only 12 minutes and 6 seconds of actual gameplay during the Super Bowl. The other 47:54 was spent by Pete Carroll on the phone taking game strategy advice from Jean van de Velde.

A study says that airlines could succeed better and make more money if they were nice to their customers. The study takes into account that airlines are on a consumer satisfaction par with cable TV and the IRS. The good news is they are still slightly ahead of Congress and Ebola.

 A study says that airlines could succeed better and make more money if they were nice to their customers. To which the airlines asked “So what is Plan B?”

Verizon is reportedly close to selling off $10 Billion of assets including several cellphone towers. It’s not like they ever use them for anything like, say providing their customers a way to make cellphone calls.

Radio Shack is reportedly ready to close down after 94 years in business. They should have known it was coming by the recent bankruptcies of Telegraphs R Us, Typewriter Depot and Folding Map Express.

Experts say they fear that with Americans using less power, utilities will not have as much revenue to use for maintenance. To which power company executives agreed, right before they all broke out in a long, uncontrollable belly laugh.

Carl Djerassi, credited with being the father of the Birth Control Pill has died at age 91. Ironically, he became the father of the product that kept lots of other men from being one, too.

Carl Djerassi, credited with being the father of the Birth Control Pill has died at age 91. Or as most single men call him, the person who allowed them to remain single.

Carl Djerassi, credited with being the father of the Birth Control Pill has died at age 91. Which is only second to the invention of the traffic signal in the number of accidents it helped prevent.

A report says that rehab centers see an increase in enrollment after the Super Bowl. Especially for gambling addicts who admit they need help after betting on Pete Carroll being chosen Coach of the Year.

A report says that rehab centers see an increase in enrollment after the Super Bowl. Mostly people who bet on Seattle and became alcoholics right after the final play call by Pete Carroll.

A 17 year old boy from Africa underwent surgery to correct a deformity that wouldn’t allow him to lower his arms below his head. Apparently it only became a problem when everyone assumed he was gay anytime he started to dance.

The National Sleep Foundation has released a review of ten years of studies to come up with their sleep duration recommendations. The results say that anyone who is having any trouble falling asleep can overcome that by trying to read more than a few sentences of the report.

Simon Cowell reportedly fell asleep after being hypnotized on the set of “Britain’s Got Talent.” Which was pretty much the same reaction the audience got during the entire run of “The X Factor.”

Super Bowl XLIX was the most watched telecast in the history of television with an average audience of 114.4 Million people. Even media experts were surprised. It takes nothing less than the Super Bowl to give that many Americans an excuse to get drunk and overeat chicken wings and pizza?

Rap mogul Suge Knight has been charged with murder over the hit and run death of an acquaintance. Knight says it was an accident. He accidentally hit the accelerator while he was looking around for his gun that he was going to use to shoot the victim.

Seattle cornerback Richard Sherman is set to have Tommy John surgery. He is going to have the bad tendon transplanted over to Russell Wilson to make sure he never tries to throw another pass from the one yard line again.

A Snickers commercial won the best advertisement award for the Super Bowl. It barely beat out the V8 commercial with Pete Carroll saying “I could have had a Super Bowl Trophy!”

A Snickers commercial won the best advertisement award for the Super Bowl. Although the real snickers award went to New England fans watching the replay of the Pete Carroll final play call.

Baltimore Ravens defensive tackle Terrence Cody was charged with illegal possession of an alligator. Apparently there was a misunderstanding where he thought someone told him to get a ‘gator to dump on the coach.

Tiger Woods is listed as a 50 to 1 favorite to win this week’s tournament at Torrey Pines.  The only thing that has gone downhill faster than his game are the World Cup qualifying runs by Lindsey Vonn.

Tiger Woods is listed as a 50 to 1 favorite to win this week’s tournament at Torrey Pines.  At least he has finally figured out a way to stop being interrupted during his swing by people wanting to take his picture.

The Post Office is expanding its experiment with same day delivery. The only problem is that it doesn’t count when deliver a package on the same month and day if it happens to be three years later.

BMW has designed a self-driving car that parks itself and picks up people when they are ready to go. Which most women will see as the elimination of the last reason they have to ever need to have a husband.

Google has given $775,000 to support tech diversity. Which means they are basically writing a check that will go to Microsoft, Apple and Yahoo.

The White House says it wants a 10% increase in cybersecurity spending. To which Congress is saying we won’t need to spend money to keep people from trying to hack into government computers if they all run with the same efficiency and dependability as the Obamacare website.

Uber says it is developing its own self-driving car. Just as soon as it can be programmed to recognize drunk passengers it can charge $150 for a three mile fare.

Hillary Clinton has been selected to the Irish American Hall of Fame. Mostly for the way she took the shillelagh to Bill Clinton after she found out about Monica Lewinsky.

A study says that closing the education gap in America will lift the economy. Although it would be a lot easier and cheaper to just figure out a way for young people to make money sitting on the couch while snacking playing video games all day.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I just figured out why I am not getting the readership I have been hoping for with this blog. It might have something to do with the marketing plan I learned from the book “Pete Carroll’s Tips For A Winning Strategy.” On that note, I am coming close to the 300,000 mark in total views. Note every day. I mean ever. Which over a ten year span is pretty pathetic. Especially when there are piano playing cats who get more views when they lick themselves. Maybe I should try that. No? Hopefully there will be more people reading one of these years, especially if you help spread the word to all your friends and other acquaintances and mainly perfect strangers you will never see again. If that isn’t possible, I will always be happy if you just remember once in awhile to send the love!

No comments: