Friday, February 27, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The TSA says it is unlikely to be able to detect what is being called “the greatest incendiary threat to aviation.” Although fortunately, they still are pretty good about taking away any bottles that contain more than three ounces of shampoo.

DC Comic’s Catwoman is coming out as bisexual. The announcement was given away when the comic changed its name to AC/DC.

A study says that people who get more than 8 hours sleep are more likely to have a stroke. Mostly from their spouse repeatedly hitting them over the head to get their rear end out of bed.

The FCC has voted to regulate the Internet as a public utility. The FCC says they will get around to making any necessary changes just as soon as they figure out what they should do about the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction at the 2004 Super Bowl.

The FCC has voted to regulate the Internet as a public utility. Hopefully that will end all the misinformation that is floating around online about subjects like the FCC regulating the Internet.

The FCC has voted to regulate the Internet as a public utility. Which Internet providers say is important so they can get away with the same lack of service and constant rate hikes as electricity, phone and water companies.

Puerto Rico is seeking protection for its corporations under the Federal Bankruptcy Code. The island’s businesses say they want to be able to get some help just in case they become as insolvent as Puerto Rico.

A Canadian court has upheld an oath to the Queen for anyone applying for citizenship. Which is pretty much of a moot point since no one has actually applied to be a Canadian citizen since the end of the Vietnam War.

Verizon responded in Morse Code to the new government rules on regulating the Internet. The reason was to protest what they feel is a move back in time by the FCC. And also to reach any AT&T customers who are still getting service over telegraph lines.

A California couple married for 67 years died together holding hands. As opposed to many more modern couples who die together with their cellphones in their hands as they are texting each other while driving.

A court in South Korea has ruled that adultery is no longer illegal. Ironically, cheating on your wife before could lead to prison time where you would end up being your cellmate’s wife.

A court in South Korea has ruled that adultery is no longer illegal. In America, we moved past that decades ago. Now instead of going to jail it just costs you half of everything you own.

Several economists say that a sharp rise in unemployment is no cause for concern. At least not for economists who can only actually find steady work any time the economy is tanking.

Sears has reported quarterly losses again, but their CEO says there is hope in the smaller declines. Which is like the Cubs manager praising the team for only losing a game by a single digit margin.

A survey says that 43% of Americans want a larger home. Mostly the ones who finally  have enough money to move out of their family sedan and into an SUV.

A survey says that 43% of Americans want a larger home. Which means one of two things. The economy is getting better and people have more money to put into a house, or the obesity thing is getting more out of hand than we thought.

A study says that auto recalls will be high again in 2015. The worst part is that it is mainly for GM cars that are still being recalled for defects dating back to 2009.

A study says that auto recalls will be high again in 2015. What’s even worse is that recall notices are already being sent out for all of GM’s 2016 models.

Rankings from the American Kennel Club show that smaller dog breeds are increasing in popularity. The best news from the trend is the report that the Taco Bell Chihuahua has finally found work for the first time since being laid off back in 1998.

The IRS says the average tax return so far is $3,120. That is for the people who made enough to file a return. For everyone else, $3,120 also happens to be their average yearly income.

A study says the price of used electric cars is tumbling. Which is ironic in that it makes them the only vehicles where people won’t be hit with sticker shock.

An analysis says that only 12% of dinners eaten at home include dessert. Mostly because the other 88% of meals consist of only dessert.

United Airlines has issued a stern warning to pilots to get their attention over several recent near misses. That’s what United gets for moving away from its previous policy of just canceling all their flights before they ever got off the runway.

United Airlines has issued a stern warning to pilots to get their attention over several recent near misses. Which is really unnecessary since no one who flies United actually has any real expectations of arriving at their destination safely.

A survey says that only one quarter of Americans plan to retire. The other three quarters just aren’t counting on making it to their estimated retirement age of 97.

A survey says that half of Americans feel financially secure. Mostly by comparison after they see how the other half are doing.

A survey says that half of Americans feel financially secure. The other half are still trying to find a way to qualify for some kind of government assistance.

A group of plastic surgeons says that butt augmentation is on the rise. Remember when men used to get in trouble for answering yes to when their wives asked if what they were wearing made their butt look big?

A study says that better grocery stores alone can’t improve kids’ diets. Mostly because along with the produce section those stores still have a candy, frozen desserts and soft drink aisle.

A report says that despite promises for retirement, hundreds of chimpanzees are still being held at research centers. To which millions of middle age Americans don’t really care, saying “They can retire when we can retire.”

12,000 low wage workers are benefiting from the first phase of Wal-Mart workforce training. Although how much training can it really take to respond to “Clean up on Aisle 5!”

12,000 low wage workers are benefiting from the first phase of Wal-Mart workforce training. The first lesson is how to use their Wal-Mart paycheck as proof to qualify for Food Stamps.

A study says a healthy diet is linked to having healthy lungs. If your diet is affecting your lung capacity, maybe it’s time to stop literally inhaling your meals.

A report says that nearly a half million Americans are infected by a potentially deadly stomach bug every year. Which is pretty low considering the total number of people who actually eat several meals at Taco Bell every week.

A study says that people who have ADHD are twice as likely to die early as others. The most obvious case was William Tell’s other son who just couldn’t sit still while his dad tried to shoot the apple off his head.

A study says that people who have ADHD are twice as likely to die early as others. The report isn’t expected to be of any help since no one with ADHD will actually be able to pay attention long enough to read it.

A study says that people who have ADHD are twice as likely to die early as others. Well,  hearing that news isn’t going to do much to help calm those people down any.

Kylie Jenner has reportedly bought a $2.7 Million home at age 17. Which just gave millions of teenagers an excuse as to why they don’t think they need to get a high school diploma.

A tree was replanted to take the place of another in Los Angeles’ Griffith Park to honor Beatle George Harrison. The tree is reportedly hardier than the previous one as it is made of Norwegian Wood.

A deal will keep “The Kardashians” on E! for another three years. Apparently the entertainment network wants to keep it going just long enough to be there when Kanye and Kim announce their inevitable divorce.

A deal will keep “The Kardashians” on E! for another three years. The show is being watched carefully by anthropologists who know that the day they win an Emmy will signal the beginning of the decline and fall of modern civilization.

CBS is planning to break a record by showing an episode of “CSI” in 150 countries around the world simultaneously. The idea came from the plan by CBS to have a spinoff of “CSI” based in every one of those countries.

Singer Mark McGrath was the victim of an Internet death hoax. People were surprised. Mark McGrath is still alive?

Kim Kardashian celebrated having the most Instagram followers with 27 Million. Which is just more bad news for the economy knowing that nearly a tenth of all Americans have nothing better to occupy their time with than looking at selfies of Kim Kardashian’s backside.

Kid Rock compared Tiger Woods to Axl Rose and Eminem. Mostly because they all have roughly the same chance of winning a Grand Slam tournament this year.

Kid Rock compared Tiger Woods to Axl Rose and Eminem. The only time Tiger should become concerned is when someone starts comparing him to Kanye West.

Australian researchers have unveiled the world’s first 3D printed jet engine. Although it won’t exactly be reassuring when you are sitting on the tarmac in a plane that needs maintenance while the pilots wait for the repairman from Xerox.

Amazon has hired former White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. Which isn’t good news for investors when the company has taken on someone who has experience in explaining away a $17 Trillion debt.

The Oxford Dictionary has added “ridesharing” and “unbox” to its online database. Examples of the new terms are “Mary needed to use a ridesharing app after she crashed her car by texting while driving with the iPhone she just unboxed."


Leonard Nimoy, who played Mr. Spock on "Star Trek" has died at age 83. Trekkies around the world are mourning his passing, saying it feels like their phasers have been set on stun.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Sunday is March 1st. That is big news since it means we are done with this horribly cold February. No wonder they made the month so short. I don’t think I could have taken 30 or 31 days of that. March means spring training which leads to April and Opening Day and then the Masters. The only thing that makes me feel better about the state of the planet is when you all take the time to remember to send the love!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Re your joke "no one has actually applied to be a Canadian citizen since the end of the Vietnam War".

Quoting from Yahoo News:

According to a new report by CTV News, economic woes in the U.S. are driving a record number of Americans across the northern border as they seek better job opportunities and cheaper education in Canada.
Ottawa approved 34,185 visas for U.S. residents — a figure that falls just short of the all-time record of 35,060 approved visas in 2010. By comparison, fewer Canadians moved to the U.S. over the past two years — the lowest number in nearly a decade.