Thursday, February 26, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

James Cameron is set to launch the first vegan elementary school in California. Kids are already trying to figure out how they can send an avatar to the lunch room.

James Cameron is set to launch the first vegan elementary school in California. The idea will go over like the Titanic once the kids see their only option for lunch is the iceberg lettuce.

A surgeon in Italy says that full body transplants could be a reality in two years. Which is good news for the people at Disney who can finally take Walt’s head out of the cafeteria freezer.

A surgeon in Italy says that full body transplants could be a reality in two years. Hasn’t that already been done? Her name is “Cher.”

A 28 year old Tennessee man has been arrested for domestic assault of his 92 year old girlfriend. At first police thought he knocked all her teeth out until they remembered she is 92 and from Tennessee.

A 28 year old Tennessee man has been arrested for domestic assault of his 92 year old girlfriend. If nothing else, it brought into question the algorithm used in the computers to find the perfect matches at eHarmony.com.

Jamaican lawmakers have decriminalized “small” amounts of ganja. Which in Jamaica, a small amount of marijuana is anything less than the 3 acre crop that is currently growing behind every house on the island.

Snow postponed the first execution of a woman by Georgia in 78 years. It was postponed by snow? What were they going to do, have a snowball fight to the death?

T.J. Maxx says it will raise workers’ pay to $9 an hour. Which was discouraging for workers who previously knew the max at Maxx was the minimum.

T.J. Maxx says it will raise workers’ pay to $9 an hour. You know it’s bad when you work at a store that is desperately trying to hold onto employees by following the compensation policy over at Wal-Mart.

Donald Trump says he is serious about running for President in 2016. It’s good to know at least someone is serious about Donald Trump running for President.

Donald Trump says he is serious about running for President in 2016. Or as his Administration would be known as, “The Apprentice, White House Edition.”

Senate leaders are moving on a deal to avoid shutting down the DHS. If there is a shutdown, there would be major repercussions. For one thing, people would have to figure out what to do with the extra two hours they have at the airport not having to go through the TSA body search.

ATMs in Russia give out small loans on the spot, but charge a 730% annual interest rate. To which American banks are saying “You can do that?”

ATMs in Russia give out small loans on the spot, but charge a 730% annual interest rate. Or as American payday loan companies call that, unfairly underselling the competition.

ATMs in Russia give out small loans on the spot, but charge a 730% annual interest rate. The hardest part was figuring out how to equip the machines with a baseball bat so it can break the legs of the people who are too slow paying back what they borrowed.

Washington, D.C. has legalized marijuana despite threats from Congress. The last thing the country needs is for the rest of the nation’s capital to become as lazy and unproductive as Congress.

Southwest Airlines canceled 100 flights earlier this week because of missed inspections of their airplanes. Or as United Airlines calls 100 canceled flights, a morning warm up exercise.

A report says that U.S. wine exports were down 4% in 2014. Apparently the economy has recovered to the point where local winos have enough money to keep all the domestic vintage right here at home.

A study says that U.S. car communication technology is twice as likely to break down after three years as it is in the first three months. Except with Chrysler vehicles which weren’t part of the study since no one has ever had one that has actually lasted a full three years.

Siri will soon be able to speak in Russian, Portuguese, Swedish and four other languages. Which is great news for anyone trying to understand what the person on the other end of the line at the Apple tech support center is trying to say.

Siri will soon be able to speak in Russian, Portuguese, Swedish and even Turkish. The ability for Siri to understand Turkish is just for people who like to talk turkey.

A New York financial regulator is considering new rules to protect against an “Armageddon-type” cyber attack that would devastate U.S. financial markets. Although if any group wanted to destroy the economy, all they would have to do is bring back subprime home mortgages.

KFC is testing edible coffee cups in the UK. If that works, all they have to do is try to figure out how to make some edible chicken.

Google Artificial Intelligence has reportedly been able to teach itself how to play and become unbeatable at video games. The only problem is that no one has seen it in the last six months since it graduated college and moved back into its parents’ basement.

A study says that most requests for medical tests by patients are appropriate. Of course, that depends on whether the money for the test will go to pay off the doctor’s vacation condo, Mercedes Benz or country club membership.

A report says that international travelers to the U.S. spent $222 Billion in 2014. And that was just the ones who wanted a blanket and bottle of water on the flight over.

A study says the function of the length of eyelashes is to keep eyes from drying. Which is ironic when a woman has mascara dripping down her face which wouldn’t have happened if she didn’t use it in the first place to make her eyelashes longer.

Food experts are concerned about people who have Orthorexia, where they are obsessed about healthy eating. Or as those people are called in America, foreigners.

A study says the “love hormone” oxytocin can dampen the effects of alcohol. Which is ironic in that for most people, alcohol is the love hormone.

A man received a bionic eye that allowed him to see his wife for the first time in ten years. His first words were “Don’t you ever clean up this place?”

A study says that women are at a greater risk for suffering fatal heart attacks. Mostly from ignoring the symptoms because they are too busy working a job, cleaning the house, and taking care of the kids while their husbands are permanently attached to the living room couch.

A report says that apples are the produce with the most pesticides. Which must work because every tech will tell you that a Mac has fewer bugs than any PC.

The Supreme Court has ruled that dentists do not have a monopoly on whitening teeth. And as any hillbilly with a pair of pliers and a bottle of whiskey will tell you, they don’t have a monopoly on pulling them, either.

The Supreme Court has ruled that dentists do not have a monopoly on whitening teeth. Which is good news for the people of Alabama who can take advantage of shopping mall salons who run specials if you are whitening three teeth or less.

Researchers say that emulsifiers that make foods creamy may also be responsible for the obesity epidemic. Which is ironic in that the ingredients that make our food creamier are doing the same thing to us.

A study says that helmet add-ons don’t reduce the risk of concussions for football players. The easiest way to tell if a player has suffered a head injury is when they keep repeating “I’m just here so I won’t be fined.”

A report says that chewing tobacco could be banned from California ballparks. Apparently it became a concern when it was discovered that it wasn’t the drought that was making all the outfield grass turn brown.

Beyonce is set to start a vegan food delivery service. Which doesn’t make sense. If you want to make money delivering food, make it pizza where the people who always order it can’t actually be bothered to get off the couch to go get it themselves.

A report says that several of the Victoria’s Secret Angels are leaving because of low pay. Not to say the money was bad, but most of them are going over to Wal-Mart now that they have announced their pay increase to $9 an hour.

A report says that several of the Victoria’s Secret Angels are leaving because of low pay. It turns out that the way for women to make the most money modeling is to either be fully dressed or have no nothing at all.

“The Doctors” TV show blasted Mama June for the obese Honey Boo Boo’s eating habits. Mostly because the family’s biggest habit is eating.

A former Miss Turkey is facing prison time for insulting the country’s president. She may be a former Miss Turkey, but this time her goose could be cooked.

Former “American Idol” winner Kelly Clarkson says she is all in favor of the legalization for pot and also supports the Second Amendment. Which means no one better even think of getting into her stash.

Lindsay Lohan will have to make up 125 hours of community service that she claimed for working in a London stage play. Apparently her contention was that any time she stays off the highways in the U.S. should be considered a benefit to the people.

Marshawn Lynch says his biopic called “Family First” is no good and wants changes made before it can be released. Although he may have as much control as his attempt to rework NFL Films’ final play of the Super Bowl.

A report says that only 40% of the planet has ever connected to the Internet. The other 60% are apparently only in areas that is serviced by AOL.

A report says that only 40% of the planet has ever connected to the Internet. Which is good because once the other 60% discover Internet porn, the entire world will pretty much shut down.

A report says that only 40% of the planet has ever connected to the Internet. Which is good because it means that 60% of us still have a chance at carrying on a conversation with another human, go shopping at a real store and have “friends” whom they have actually seen in person.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Kind of a slow day in the comedy world. Or as all of you who log into this site know that as, “Thursday.” But I was still able to crank out several dozen jokes, some which I understand rate as high as “mildly amusing.” At least the price is right, in my opinion. The bad part is when people start asking for rebates. One thing I will never make a refund on is when you all remember to send the love!

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