Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

J.P. Morgan says it will start charging its larger clients fees for deposits. Which is still a good deal for corporations that will find it cheaper to pay for the deposits rather than have to buy the thousands of mattresses needed to stuff all their billions in profits.

Pakistanis have been ordered by the government to surrender their fingerprints or lose their cellphone service. Which is still less of a burden than being caught stealing a cellphone and surrendering their fingers.

Pakistanis have been ordered by the government to surrender their fingerprints or lose their cellphone service. Which is not that big of a deal considering that to keep access to a smartphone, most Americans would give up their firstborn child along with their video game console and seven of the guaranteed protections of the Bill of Rights.

A study says that fluoride in drinking water may trigger depression and weight gain. Mostly because people are depressed about becoming fat because they still have enough teeth left to use to eat solid foods like cheeseburgers, pizza and doughnuts.

A report says that nearly 17,000 federal employees made more than $200,000 last year. Although those are just the ones who bothered to actually report all their bribes, kickbacks and payoffs as income.

NBC Nightly News ratings are reportedly up since Brian Williams was suspended for lying. Apparently new anchor Lester Holt comes from a larger family.

NBC Nightly News ratings are reportedly up since Brian Williams was suspended for lying. Mostly from people who figure there is no need to tune in to Jon Stewart when NBC gives them even more of the fake news they love to watch.

A report says that half of all the people in New York City speak a language other than English at home. That doesn’t even count the people in Brooklyn who technically speak English but still need an interpreter for anyone outside of the Five Boroughs.

A report says states use secret surveys to predict the likelihood that offenders will commit future crimes. Which of course, the answer is pretty likely since they are only given the form if they are already sitting in prison.

Qatar says the 2022 World Cup that will be held there will not have any games on Christmas. At least as long as none of the contests are started less than three days before December 25th.

Alaska has become the latest state to legalize marijuana. Although it wasn’t legal before, no one has ever been arrested because no police officer would ever go out in -50 temperatures to bust someone for firing up a bong.

Alaska has become the latest state to legalize marijuana. The state will incorporate it into their new motto, “Finally, a reason to come to Alaska!”

Keith Olbermann has been suspended by ESPN for tweets he sent out about students at Penn State. He would have gotten away with the remarks if he would have just said them on his TV show as long as none of his three viewers were Nittany Lions.

The U.S. Embassy in Afghanistan says that U.S. citizens can expect to be the targets of imminent attacks. Or as Americans living in Kabul call that, “Tuesday.”

The U.S. Embassy in Afghanistan says that U.S. citizens can expect to be the targets of imminent attacks. In other words, it is an update of the continuing alert to anyone living in the Middle East which has been in effect for the past 5,000 years.

The U.N. climate chief has resigned over sexual harassment charges. Apparently he went around to all the women in his office claiming there was global warming. In his pants.

A report says that 50 Million Americans with retirement funds through their jobs may get a boost from the Supreme Court about high 401(k) fees charged by employers. The extra money could mean some workers could retire ten years earlier than expected, when they turn 87.

Former New York Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver pleaded not guilty to taking $4 Million in bribes. He says he is shocked and humiliated by the charges. How dare the state think he is only worth a measly $4 Million in kickbacks?

A study says that consumers are terrible at estimating air fares for flights. Apparently they go wrong when they figure out the maximum amount anyone should be charged for a trip and then multiply it by only three.

A study says that consumers are terrible at estimating air fares for flights. They don’t take into account all the extra money it costs airlines to cancel all the flights that still have one or two vacant seats.

A study says that consumers are terrible at estimating air fares for flights. Apparently they aren’t aware of how the cost is figured, by airlines doing intense studies to see just how much people can actually be suckered into paying for a seat.

Goodyear is paying $16 Million to settle bribery related charges in other countries. The tire company agreed to the payments but says they feel the amount was overinflated.

Goodyear is paying $16 Million to settle bribery related charges in other countries. The tire company says they had to give bribes because it isn’t enough to get business anymore by offering to give free rides on the blimp.

Nobel Prize winning economist Robert Shiller says people can save much more money by living like students. Which ironically, living like a student is why many of them are still living like students while they pay off $100,000 in tuition loans.

J.P. Morgan says it will close 300 bank branches as more people are using online banking services. Mostly the ones who are now making all their financial plans through e-mails with a Nigerian prince.

Donald Keough, a long time Coca-Cola executive has died at age 88. He had six children 18 grandchildren and two great-grandchildren, but everyone just called him “Pop.”

Photo sharing site Reddit has banned nude pictures that are posted without the consent of the subject. Which will mean a lot more views for the three people who actually post something other than naked pictures of all their exes.

A report says that 96% of all smartphones operate on Apple’s iOS or Google’s Android operating systems. The other 4% are still a bit behind the times and are holding out until someone comes up with a cellphone that still uses rotary dial.

Seattle running back Marshawn Lynch has filed to trademark the phrase “I’m just here so I won’t get fined.” Which will soon be replaced by his new phrase, “Actually I’m just here to watch them throw a last second interception.”

A study says that marijuana is 114 times less deadly than alcohol. Which sounds like a number that could only be concocted by someone who is incredibly stoned.

A study says that marijuana is 114 times less deadly than alcohol. Obviously the study didn’t factor in the long term health risk from eating three pizzas a day while being stuck to the couch over a 20 year period.

Two anti-aging scientists have wagered $1 Million that will go to the person who outlives the other. To which Larry King says “I’ll take a piece of that!”

Two anti-aging scientists have wagered $1 Million that will go to the person who outlives the other. People don’t take the bet seriously. Where are anti-aging scientists going to get a million dollars?

A study says that two of three smokers will die early if they don’t quit. The other one third are older than 35 and have already exceeded the life expectancy of the average smoker.

A study says that intense anger increases the risk of having a heart attack by eight times. Especially when the anger comes from seeing the cost of the latest visit to the cardiologist.

A report says that a simple skin test could be able to detect Alzheimer’s Disease. Especially when the skin is frozen and full of frostbite because the person is wearing only shorts and a T-shirt because they forgot it is the middle of winter.

A study says that gerbils, not rats may have caused the 14th Century plague in Europe. To which Richard Gere is saying “Don’t look at me. I wasn’t even born yet.”

Taylor Swift has given $50,000 to New York City schools. She would have given some to Los Angeles schools but is withholding the money because she has recently been dumped by three students in the L.A. school system.

A report says the estate of Ernie Banks was only worth $16,000. You know things are messed up when a Hall of Famer like Banks has $16,000 to his name while someone is actually paying Alex Rodriguez $191,000 for each game.

LeBron James set the record for the most assists by a forward with 6,136. To which Kobe Bryant says is no big deal since they both have exactly the same number of assists while playing guard.

The Big Ten is planning to discuss making freshmen ineligible for sports. As opposed to the Southeastern Conference whose freshmen are ineligible mostly because they never actually went to high school.

The Waffle House is teaming up with delivery app Roadie to have customers deliver packages. The only problem is finding any Waffle House customers who still actually have a valid driver’s license that hasn’t been suspended.

The Waffle House is teaming up with delivery app Roadie to have customers deliver packages. The only problem is finding a Waffle House customer who will be driving anywhere other than southern Georgia.

Scientists say that comets are like deep fried ice cream. To which most movie goers now say the film “Deep Impact” should be reclassified from science-fiction to fantasy.

A newly discovered wasp was named for Boston Bruin goalie Tuukka Rask. Mostly because “Tuukka Rask” is the name that sounds most like what people say when they are stung by a wasp.

A newly discovered wasp was named for Boston Bruin goalie Tuukka Rask. What makes more sense than to name a wasp after someone in a sport that is owned, played by and watched by nothing but WASPs?

Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert A. McDonald has pledged to “do better” after being caught lying about being in Special Forces. Although he says he may not have been in Special Forces, he did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert A. McDonald has pledged to “do better” after being caught lying about being in Special Forces. Next time he says he will lie about being in the Navy SEALs.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! What’s with all these people being caught lying about what they have done in their careers? Brian Williams, Bill O’Reilly, Veteran Affairs Secretary Robert McDonald? I can understand the last guy lying because what man wants to go around saying they are a secretary? Maybe I should start lying. Obviously being a TV meteorologist who writes jokes hasn’t impressed the right people. Except for my loyal readers, of course. I don’t need to tell lies about what I do because there is nothing better than when you remember to send the love!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I don't think O'Reilly has been "caught" lying, although the Left would love it if her were.

http://www.mediaite.com/tv/ex-nbc-bureau-chief-backs-up-oreillys-account-of-falklands-war-riot/