Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A 29 year old cat in Sweden is thought to be the oldest in the world. Although the only difference between a dead cat and one that is still alive is that the living cats actually come out of suspended animation once in awhile to clean out their cat food dish.

A report says that in the future, vacations will be uploaded into people’s minds to think they have taken a trip. It will supposedly be so real that people waking up from what they imagined to be a visit to Disneyland will actually have a case of the measles.

A report says that in the future, vacations will be uploaded into people’s minds to think they have taken a trip. As opposed to people who know they have taken a vacation because they are still paying it off eight months later.

A report says that in the future, vacations will be uploaded into people’s minds to think they have taken a trip. The vacations will be so realistic that people booking on United will still have their trips cut short by several canceled flights.

A report says that one third of Americans are living at the risk of financial crisis. The other two thirds haven’t had to worry about financial crisis since they lost their job, house and cars back in 2007.

Ashton Kutcher is encouraging men to explore their sexuality by “kissing a dude.” Although there is pretty much no question of your sexuality if you have Mila Kunis at home and you still want to make out with another guy.

A study says that taking frequent saunas can be good for the heart. At least until your wife finds you sharing a hot tub with the next door neighbor’s daughter.

The Smithsonian is investigating a scientist who denies climate change is being caused by humans while accepting $1.2 Million from the fossil fuel industry. Apparently his system of research checks and balances is accepting a check from Big Oil to add to his bank balance.

New technology can actually generate facial images based on samples of DNA. In fact, those weren’t polka dots on Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress. They were hundreds of pictures of Bill Clinton.

Some colleges are allowing students to do work for reduced tuition. What’s even better is that they can earn the money while getting experience on their future career by running the cash register at the student union convenience store.

Russian President Vladimir Putin says that war with the Ukraine is “unlikely.” At least until they are able to afford to send their troops into battle with more than an umbrella and trash can lid.

The DHS says that a shutdown in their funding by Congress could bring “serious consequences.” Which if true would be the first time that the DHS has actually seen one of their warnings actually be right.

Patrons at the Mall of America are being told to be careful after a threat by terrorist group Al Shabaab. It is the first time shoppers have ever been warned about potential dangers at malls since the inception of the food court.

California is reportedly spending $20 Million to build a “hydrogen highway” with filling stations for hydrogen powered cars. Which is not to be confused with the “helium highway” where drivers all talk in really high pitched cartoon voices.

A report says that typical portrayals of Millennials as lazy and narcissistic or energized optimists bent on saving the world are wrong. The truth is they are lazy and narcissistic but are only interested in saving the world if it is in the form of a video game.

The price of a one day ticket to Disneyland has gone up to $99. The increase is due in part to the new attraction of QuarantineLand for any kids who are showing any symptoms that they have contracted measles.

The price of a one day ticket to Disneyland has gone up to $99. Now at least the Seven Dwarfs aren’t the only ones coming up a little short at the gate.

Lady Gaga’s performance of a medley from “The Sound of Music” was the most tweeted about part of the Oscars. Other than wondering how many socks Neil Patrick Harris stuffed into his tighty whities.

Honda is replacing its CEO after poor sales following the airbag crisis. You know it is getting serious in the auto business when the latest carmaker recalls include their executives.

The U.S. Treasury says there are $649 in small bills in circulation for every person in the country. Otherwise known as their life savings and retirement account.

The ratings for the Oscars dropped to their lowest level in six years. You know the ratings have fallen dramatically when the Academy is considering whether or not to bring back David Letterman as the host.

The ratings for the Oscars dropped to their lowest level in six years. It could have been worse. They could have spent the same amount of time along with $8 going to see “The Expendables 3.”

President Obama says that financial retirement advisers need tougher standards. Although how difficult can it be to tell people they have enough money saved for retirement as long as they work to age 93?

A study says that eating late at night could disrupt learning and memory. Especially when they never learn and can’t remember that all those late night snacks are the reason they have become morbidly obese.

A study says that 15% of American two year olds drink coffee. Which is understandable for countries like China where their toddlers like to have a little something to wake them up so they can be alert while they sew together pairs of Air Jordans all day.

A report says that medical marijuana could be marketed as kosher. Which is good news for Jewish stoners who want to mix a little weed in with the other ingredients when they are making matzah balls.

A report says that medical marijuana could be marketed as kosher. Now all that is left for Jewish stoners is finding some kosher pizza, cookies and snack cakes to nosh on after getting high.

A study says that a baby’s bonding with their parents has big implications with the child’s mental health as a teenager. To which the parents who have bonded with their teenagers are asking “You mean it could be even worse?”




A group of pediatricians says that a little fat and sugar is OK for kids as long as their diet is healthy. The only problem is that for most American kids, sugar and fat pretty much is their diet.

A study says that 2.3 Million Americans have suffered medical ID theft. The good news is that most the victims don’t care since the thieves are taking less money than their doctor bills.

A study says that 2.3 Million Americans have suffered medical ID theft. Which some people are blaming on Obamacare, saying if people had no health insurance like Republicans wanted, none of this would have happened.

Little Caesar’s has introduced a bacon wrapped pizza. Which means that for most Americans that now officially qualifies it as a breakfast food.

A study says the food habits of the world are getting worse. Which is still better than the situation in America, where food isn’t a habit but more of a full time occupation.

A report says that few seniors are using Medicare’s obesity counseling benefit. Mostly because who wants to sit there for an hour listening to a doctor tell you to quit eating so much?

A study says that meditation can help people get a restful night’s sleep. Mostly because they feel so much more relaxed after they smash the tape of Jeff Bridges stirring a bowl while chanting “ohhhhmmmmmmmm...”

A poll says that 8 of 10 Americans want vaccines to be required following the measles outbreak. The other two are not planning on taking a vacation to Disneyland this year.

Lady Gaga reportedly worked with a vocal coach for six months to train for her medley from “The Sound of Music” at the Oscars. To which Britney Spears, Nicki Minaj and Kanye West are asking “What’s a vocal coach?”

Lady Gaga reportedly worked with a vocal coach for six months to train for her medley from “The Sound of Music” at the Oscars. Which is also exactly the same amount of time she recommends to age the meat used in making a dress.

Kim and Khloe Kardashian, Kylie Jenner and Kim’s daughter North West were reportedly in an auto accident in Montana. Fortunately for the other passengers, everyone escaped injury when Kim’s rear end deployed.

Kim and Khloe Kardashian, Kylie Jenner and Kim’s daughter North West were reportedly in an auto accident in Montana. Apparently they were in Montana because Kim accidentally typed into their vehicle’s GPS “rodeo” instead of “Rodeo Drive.”

Major League Baseball’s new commissioner says he is open to a shorter season. Which could revert back to the old schedule of 154 games to as little as the three weeks it takes before the Cubs are mathematically eliminated.

New paper cups come with seeds implanted inside so that instead of being thrown away the cup can be planted to grow a tree. Those trees could then be used someday to be cut down and used to make millions of disposable Starbucks coffee cups.

A survey says that American ratings of North Korea are still highly negative with 9% rating it favorably. Which means Congress can feel proud that they still rate three points higher than Kim Jong-un, his haircut and Dennis Rodman.

Lawmakers from cattle producing states say that President Obama is trying to kill their industry with a federal report that encourages Americans to go green. In fact, the only bigger political threat to the beef industry is if Chris Christie is elected to the White House and decides to the daily buffet consisting of red meat.

A study says that climate played a role in the spread of the plague in medieval Europe. Just like in modern times where disease has been spread by people wanting to be in a warmer climate who decide to spend their vacation at Disneyland.

The Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert McDonald is apologizing for falsely claiming he served in the U.S. Army Special Forces. The whole thing unraveled after he claimed he was on the helicopter that came under fire sitting right next to Brian Williams.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am having trouble even sitting today to write these jokes because of a sore back. It is almost as painful as the description I get from people who actually read these jokes. But pain or no pain, I am here for you. All I ever ask in return, besides being remembered in your will and charitable donations is that you make sure to remember once in awhile to send the love!

No comments: